Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

[Quootiepie]

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

QP - if he came on here, we'd say the same thing. There's never an excuse for leaving your child unprovided for. If he's that unhappy, he should make the appropriate arrangements to end the relationship.

I'm disappointed but not because you're forgiving him yet again - that's your call. It's your attitude that you have to promise him a spotless house, not to be lazy etc. etc. I see this a lot (even on MN!) and never understand why you would essentially make yourself a servant to your partner.

It does not bode well for your future with this man. Get angry and stay angry. I have plenty of anger to spare (PMT city at the mo) if you would like to borrow some

WEll done for gaining some independence - keep going and you may surprise yourself. Glad DS had such a good time .

You do seem to be clear about what is going on, which is good.

Of course he can go to his Aunt's for a few days - but not without telling you, and not as part of playing a big power trippy game with you about texting to say it's over and refusing to be in contact - and by playing mind games and making out it's all your fault. You do know it isn't your fault he leaves like that, don't you? I mean he is free to leave, any adult is, but not like that.

In all truth, I would find it very hard to live with someone who depended solely on me for thier happiness. I would find that a very big burden, and if their need for me was literally life or death, the truth is that I would be carefully extracating myself. Any relationship, now or in the future, will be happier for you if you learn to like yourself and trust yourself more and more.

Unfortunately, your H's way of dealing with pressure seems very destructive on your sense of self-worth - which is sad, and unfair.

Whether you stay with him this time is only for you to decide...but whatever happens, it will be good for you to get whatever help you can get to become the strong person you have inside. Like PinkChampage talks about. It will help you whatever you choose to do.

But I think you have made some important steps this week. Good for you. And I hope the ADs don't make you feel too spacy for too long as you get used to them again.

Good luck XXXXX

OK, what I do wrong...
Slag of his mum when I am pissed off (at her)
Don't do much housework when I am depressed, so sometimes he works 5am-10pm and has to do dinner when he gets in
Past month or so I have been really tired, so his days off he gets up with DS (to be fair I didn't have one lie in for the first 6 months, and he even slept in another room to get better sleep, and lay in past when DS would get up)
Cry about the past, which to him is like trying to wind him up
When I was really bad I wasn't do his lunch for work, and other wives were
I expect him to provide for his family from his inheritance, which he wants to give half to his mum despite us needing a new front door (ours is actually dangerous) new heating, CURTAINS!, new bed, new wardrobes etc. etc. But, it is his dads money, so selfish of me
Complain about the above but won't sell my car (which I can't drive - no licence) to pay for it, really because my mum bought it for me and thats wrong. But, still, as he says I have the means to pay for the above.
Want too much affection and love

'So, what do you think you do that is wrong?'

That's an interesting question October.

So quootie why do you think you'd a bad wife/make him leave etc?

Not just what he tells you, what do you really believe?

What he said made him go this time was someone (one of my friends) asking if his dad was a facist, and I think I may of said he was abit of a nutter. Can't remember that bit, but if I did it was in a jokey way. That was a few days before he left, so, obviously planned it, made me think everything was ok instead of talking to me.

Quootie. I live in Bracknell myself - my DS is coming up 4 and I know he would love a park companion so please contact me and we will arrange some time at the weekend or something. I have a company car so can drive anywhere at no cost to myself and I am a single mum so don't ahve to worry about anyone else's schedules (just the swimming lessons on Sat morn!). Only say this so you absolutely know that you will not be putting me out. Anyway there is also a selfish reason - as a single mum I don't get out alot so you will be doing me a favour!

O, and I am not "blood" so he isn't being that bad leaving me, because I am not really family

o righty CS1753 Maybe we live close. Be funny if we lived in the same area.

Ok, so how is all that going to be resolved?
Are these reasonable requests?
Is this the sort of relationship you want?

What is he doing for you, except for working?and that on it's own is not enough.

Each of those individual issues, is really part of a bigger issue. It's abut his control, his undermining of your esteem and your consequent spiral downward.

He has no incentive to change the pattern, only you can by putting a stop to it.

Keeping the house clean is not really the issue here.

Which part of Bracknell are you in?

What does he do for me... erm, work? Not really much else right now, he doesn't want to support my depression anymore, doesn't want to do housework anymore, doesn't want to help with DS much anymore erm... last month he did nothing for me or the relationship.

Confession - I was the one who asked if FIL was facist!

You're not really family.

Quootie unless you are as thick as plank, which you are not, that says it all.

and you know it.

You are just scared. Understandable, but ultimately it will have to be overcome.

Have CATed you CS1753

hehe, yes, ahem "one of my friends"

CS1 - I'll join you both for park trips when I can...be really nice. I live in Guildford.

He did say sorry for the not being blood therefore not family comment, but he has same the same type of things a few times now I will take that comment to relate - no doubt he saw his mum and dad being a "family" so he is a big fat hypocrite really. But I can't tell him that.

But his son is "blood" and he left him.

Sorry, that had to be said. I've not posted on this thread before - you have had some really good advice here and I hope you can work things out for you and your ds.

Yeah, but he says because he can't take him with him. He is leaving me, he says. Last time he came back I said "you didn't leave any contact info, or even ring, even via someone else if you didnt want to talk to me, to see how DS was. Anything could have happened" This time he had his phone, and it was on but no doubt it was so friends could contact him. He never answered me, even when I begged him to have DS.

What do you imagine we would say to a man who came on here and said:

'I've left my wife again, I keep leaving her beacuse she's depreesed. She's had post natal depression and I've had enough of it. she doesn't keep the house clean, and sometimes I've even had to make my own dinner! She keeps threatening to kill herself and this time she even called SS to put our son in care! I've had enough of it so I've gone off with my cousin and I didn't answer her calls. Sometimes aswell she slags off my parents, who quite frankly i love more than her and that really winds me up. What should I do? Am I being unreasonable??'

What do you think we'd say QP?

Not seeing counsellor yet, stil in all the sorting out stages of getting some sort of support worker etc. I know only I can change it, but I really feel the "one last try" urge. But this time I can feel I am alot stronger. It seems trivial but for me getting out of the house, 2 days running, one going to a pharmacy and interacting etc. was a huge step in regaining my independance. I want to have my own life now, and see if H can fit into it. If he can, great, if not... well I'll have tried, but since i'll be building my own life, it won't be so drastic when/if he next goes. In a funny way I do expect him back tomorrow. I hope he is, and I have the idea of it sort of in my head, but it's like something you know just isn't going to happen. It won't sink in he is coming back.

I dunno, but he would be more crafty than that! I got a talking to by the police when he strangled me! Because he gave them some sob story about how I was saying bad things about his dad etc. He got the number to Cruise, did I get the number to Womans Aid? Like hell did I.

Get strong Quootie.

I'm glad you've got some friends around you. Make the effort to build those up and prioritise them. Be around people who remind you what you can be like.

Positive, warm, funny and caring.