He sulks over minor arguments and I don't know what to do

[Felinefine81]

I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together now for 9 months and we've lived together for around 7 months (felt right at the time and not too soon- he said he'd never fallen for anybody like this before and I felt the same). Anyway, most of the time we get on great but he has sulked on me now a number of times usually for around a day and I don't know how to cope with it. Also, we have never had an argument over anything serious so to me the sulking is over trivial matters.

Example: last night I was going out to my friend's house and knew I wouldn't be back until around 9pm. I asked if he would mind having dinner ready for me coming in as he wasn't out training for a change due to injury and I was annoyed when he suggested getting a takeaway. To put things into context, he goes out triathlon training most nights and regularly and is out from around 6.30 to 9 most nights. I 9 times out of 10 am the person that goes to the shop to buy the food and have his dinner ready for him coming in. I was pissed off that on the one night I actually wanted him to cook for me and make an effort, he suggested the easy option.

We were on the train at the time and I told him without raising my voice at all that I didn't fancy a takeaway as was trying to eat healthily and asked him why on the one night I had asked him to make an effort he was going for something lazy. This then has resulted in him going into a sulk and giving me one word answers. The only thing I got out of him was that he didn't give a fuck about having to make the dinner but how dare I question him in front of people on the train. I swear I was talking quietly and calmly and didn't make a scene at all so I don't understand his logic. When I got home from my friend's house, dinner was left out for me but he was up in the bedroom with the door closed and he's not talking to me. The last time he went into a huff is because in the little time we do spend together he is on his phone and I called him out on it. He said I spoke to him like a child and then sulked for hours.

I would like advice on how to handle this please. I am a person who has low self esteem and him ignoring me makes me feel awful. I've said to him that it feels like I can never have a discussion with him about anything that is bothering me as this results in a huff but this doesn't seem to be helping. I know that part of the reason his last relationship broke up was because of his moods. However, he tells me that she was a psycho to him and that the arguments were justified. Please help!!

felt right at the time and not too soon

Unfortunately that's why 'it felt right' is rubbish and shouldn't be trusted.
You've shacked up with an emotional abuser. The only solution is to unshack asap.

My advice is to leave him.

His ex was NOT a psycho, I'd bet he treated her exactly as he's treating you. Sack him off now, really this is how he is. What are your living arrangements is it your house?

Thanks so much for the quick response. I'm curious to know if anybody feels that I am in the wrong here. I think he feels he was being thoughtful suggesting a takeaway and I threw it back in his face. I just saw it as not willing to make much of an effort.

I can't deal with sulking at all. My twin sister and I have minor disagreements like this all the time and 5 minutes later it's resolved and we can just get on as if nothing happened. I can't understand how something so minor can become such a big deal. He has told me before that he's not like me and my sister and that it takes him longer to get over things.

Of course he thinks his ex is a psycho.. she had the good sense to become an ex

I also think you moved in way too fast but that's not really relevant. He sounds very difficult to live with and I agree the quickest way to solve the problems is to leave him

You are not in the wrong.

I rent the house and he gave up his rented property to move in with me, officially at the start of February. I do love him and he can be so affectionate and caring. However, I am worried (and have tried to tell him this on several occasions) that he's taking me for granted. I don't have a problem with his training as he did warn me when we first started going out that he would be training a lot. However, I don't think it was unreasonable of me to ask him last night to make me dinner for a change.

sorry, it wouldn't do it for me.
Is it your own home? what, if anything, does he do to make your life better?

Do you want to live with this sulking for the rest of your life? He will not change.

You're of an age to have children - if you want to have a family how would you like to see your children getting this treatment from him? What would you think if your twin sister's boyfriend did this to her?

It was not unreasonable to ask him to make dinner. Even if he was annoyed about your objection to a takeaway he could have discussed it reasonably not gone into a arsey sulk.

I know this sounds stupid but he hugs and cuddles me a lot and tells me I'm perfect. He says that apart from his daughter, I'm the most important person in the world to him and the best person he's ever met. He hasn't changed his behaviour over being glued to his phone though and is still on it a lot. I think that if we're supposed to be watching something together he should be paying attention.

It all sounds like SO much hard work. Relationships shouldn't be this difficult.

You are not in the wrong here.

What are your current living arrangements?.

The only way to handle this is to leave him. There were and are many red flags about him that were missed or minimised; his comments re his ex for instance. He is also one of many causes of your current low state and he will make you feel far worse going forward too.

Sulking is another form of emotional abuse; its never about being silent but about power and control.

I would suggest you enrol yourself on the Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this will help you re boundaries and red flags, your boundaries are very much skewed and he has targeted you accordingly. Whose idea was it as well to move in together after just 2 months?. His?.

"I rent the house and he gave up his rented property to move in with me"

And since that happened, has everything been split 50/50? Housework, food prep, rent, bills? I bet the answer is "no, he moved from his flat into somewhere with live-in staff".

PS I don't want to make him sound like a complete arsehole. He does do dishes and hangs out washing when he's at home.

Sulking is so annoying

Chuck him out

Cut your losses and get rid of him.

Sulkers are the most intolerable people. Childish, self indulgent, passive aggressive. Yuck. Give me an air clearing row any day of the week.

"He does do dishes and hangs out washing when he's at home."

But hes rarely AT home, is he? Not with all the training he has to do... and I bet that the above isnt a 50% share of everything, is it?

its never about being silent but about power and control.

YY

My father was/is a sulker and the atmosphere would be absolutely suffocating when he was in one of his silent moods.

I would also think you are confusing love here with co-dependency.

What you are describing here is in no way a mutually loving relationship but an abusive one in which the power and control balance is skewed mainly in his favour.

This cocklodger targeted you and deliberately so and now you are also living with his emotional abuse of you.

Is he named on the tenancy?. You need to leave this man before he really does start to drag you down with him; he is already doing that now. Such men do not change; he has always been like this and feels entitled to act like this as well. He honestly feels he has done nothing wrong here.

You moved in too soon. I suggest that you think long and hard if you can put up with it.
You prepare the evening meal 9 times out of 10 and when it his turn he wants to get a takeaway.
Do you do all the housework.
Are you a housekeeper 'with benefits'?
LTB.

Feline

re your comment:-
"He does do dishes and hangs out washing when he's at home".

That also shows me just how too low your relationship bar is; you seem almost grateful he does that. When is this man ever home anyway?. I bet the division of labour here as well is nowhere near being 50/50.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up, think about that too.

Really appreciate all the replies. His car broke down in November and then it just kind of happened that he stayed at mine. The bills are split 50/50 but he is paying a lot less than he was at his last house. He earns considerably more than me and it has annoyed me that he talks about how well off he is now and can buy a new bike at 2 grand. Occasionally he throws in that he can also now save for an engagement ring but I don't know whether to trust this or not.

We've been together now for 9 months and we've lived together for around 7 months (felt right at the time and not too soon- he said he'd never fallen for anybody like this before and I felt the same).

Such a quick attachment to you as well is another red flag that you either missed completely or minimised at ultimately great cost to your own self.

Do read this link:-

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Does he pay 50% of rent and bills?

I hate sulkers too; it's the ultimate form of passive aggression, in my book. It's also negative reinforcement - he's training you to comply with his wishes at all times with the threat of silent treatment hanging over you.

Feline

You need to end this relationship with this person now and for your own sake before he really does further make you become a shadow of your former self here. The more you write about him, the worse he sounds frankly.

He won't likely go quietly and will be difficult to get shot of (he likes having you around you see to abuse as and when he sees fit and if you go, he will then have to target someone else) but it will be worth your while to do so.

Do the Freedom Programme in person if at all possible as well. You were targeted by this individual, of that I have no doubt whatsoever.

His talk of an engagement ring is just that; its all designed to keep you in the gilded cage he has constructed for you.

I think it might be worth having a conversation about communication styles with your partner. My DH and I have quite different ways of tackling disagreements. His style came across as rude and disrespectful to me (even when be absolutely did not mean it this way), and led to quite a few tears in my side (always over completely trivial things). We've had a few conversations since then where I've explained how certain phrases / his tone of voice come across to me. These incidents have now become very rare, and we can usually remedy the situation pretty quickly. If you think that's worth doing then I'd pick a moment when you're both relaxing, not in one of his sulky periods. Also be prepared to explain your position as well as really listen to his point of view. I wish you all the best!