I have just caught my husband watching porn.

[Squiggletum]

My husband, who always claimed to agree with me about the porn industry. Walked into the bathroom and hurriedly closed something on his phone. When I jokingly asked what he was doing he couldn't look at me and just said nothing a few times. Then I realised it wa actually something bad. Kids were around so I couldn't say much. I asked again and he said 'I got sent a dodgy video'. It must be how he accessed it. His immature friends send videos Occassionally and they are disgusting. As far as I knew, he deleted them. A lot of them aren't meant to be arousing, I think they're aiming for disgusting and funny. No idea what the content of this one was. Anything even vaguely 'adult' is blocked on our internet and he is not tech savvy at all so would have no idea how to get around that. So he's most likely telling the truth and didn't go looking for it. Still pressed play though. Kids briefly just left the room and he came over and told me he knows there was no excuse and nothing he can say and what do I want him to do. Just wanted him to get away from me tbh. I feel sick. He's offered to take the baby to his nans, said he assumes I now won't want to go to baby group with him this afternoon. I said just leave, as I get out of my face and he thought I wanted him to get out of the house. He asked whether i meant permanently. He obviously knows how much of an important issue this is for me. Aside from the fact he's just destroyed my trust in him, I have been a victim of two attempted rapes and some sexual assaults. He fucking knows my opinions on consent and the porn industry and knowing that it came from his friends doesn't fill me with confidence that this was some female friendly porn. Probably fucking disgusting and degrading.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Feel sick. I don't particularly want him to leave the house and me have all these things running through my mind but I don't know what to say to him either. My mind is a bit jumbled.

And I don't want this to become a thing about how all men watch porn and it's fine. Not fine for me. He watched porn a bit before we got together as far as I'm aware. I don't care. I do care about him doing it whilst in a relationship with me and he knows that and has known all along and has chosen to do it.

*I have lost respect for him.

Then surely it's over, OP?*

^this

Is this how you feel op?
Can you be with someone you have no respect for?

I'm in a very similar situation op, albeit after 38 years of marriage. The hardcore, repulsive porn I discovered my H watches has destroyed our marriage. Apparently it's all my fault.
Am undergoing counselling but feel empty and dirty, umpteen showers a day don't clear the images from my mind. I don't think I will get over this.

I repeat, no one is saying her issues with porn are wrong or not understandable, I'm unsure how to make that any clearer. What's being said is it's unacceptable to abuse and debase her husband in this manner. She's said some horrific things about him. His viewing of porn doesn't make it ok. It's never ok to abuse or debase someone. I really can't get my head round people excusing it. Two wrongs don't make a right.

I agree, I don't see how the marriage can continue.

You've made him feel ashamed OP, which is why he's acting this way. I've no doubt that was your intention and you've achieved it. Much as you have no respect for him and feel absolute vitriol for him right now, that shame he now associates with you will eat at your marriage from his side, too. You either love him unconditionally despite him sometimes being sent gross (legal) videos that he looks at curiously in the moment or you dont. You obviously, clearly, want to stay with him and beat him over the head with it though - which is just not a marriage.

It's a phone that is shared with family, the children have access to it, I'd love to know how any of you can think that ok, cos not one of you have mentioned that.

The OP is wrong here for being angry and slagging him off, even though it's an anonymous forum and he's not on it (I assume), talk about derailing from her very valid thread.

He's 'betrayed' your trust by opening a video in private, you've utterly roasted his whole character on here 'in private". You're no better or worse than each other.

Yes, I suspect my issues with porn would be there whether I'd been assaulted or not. It only strengthens my feelings. I do not believe that all porn is consensual, you can't possibly know that these people have enthusiasically and willingly given consent (especially with videos like this) so why would I want to risk watching people being abused and raped for my own sexual gratification? People doing it out of desperation, maybe trafficked or coerced or with drug problems and their lives going to shit. I have no way of knowing what is really going on, no matter how it is presented on a screen. I'd hate myself if it turned out I was actually getting pleasure from watching the suffering of some trafficked woman. So I wouldn't even take the risk. Didn't think my husband would either.

I really don't know what to do. Gut reaction is that I don't want us to split up but I'm not sure what will make things ok again. I didn't mean that I have lost all respect for him, he still has many other good qualities, but it's got a big dent in it now. It has changed the way I view him. He seems genuinely remorseful and has asked his friends to stop sending videos and I can't see him seeking it out himself anyway. But he's lied to me.

So if he'd deleted it straight away that would be ok? No it wouldnt, because OP wants him to be ashamed about it, regardless of whether it's on there or not. I personally think it's foolish to have it on the phone if the kids are using the phone - by the way - I dont think kids should be using adults phone's at 9 years old anyway. But he's an adult. An adult. He's not answerable to another person - his personal thoughts are his own. So he said those things at the start - now it's like this - OP can choose to leave him and that's it. You dont get to tell someone else how to behave - you get to say what you do and dont accept and act on it accordingly. VERY VERY simple.

I think exactly like you OP, nobody knows what is consensual; with the internet I think all that has done is increase the likelihood of abuse, coercion and rape.

Give it time, he's clearly remorseful, we all have ups and downs in relationships, it's not all plain sailing; if your relationship is otherwise good and solid you will both find a way and of course time, time is a great healer.

How on Earth did I shame him? That came from him. I just walked out of the bathroom and carried on dealing with the kids. I really don't understand what some people expect me to have done. Sit down, stroke his hair and tell him it's ok, don't feel bad? He feels bad because he knows he has lied to me and broken my trust. I don't need to point that out to him.

Of course he's remorseful OP, he's been caught, and these videos sent by friends are likely the tip of the iceberg. He's not anti-porn at all and the likelihood that he's been avoiding it for the duration of your relationship has got to be pretty slim.

I personally think it's foolish to have it on the phone if the kids are using the phone

Foolish, it's downright stupid and dangerous, those types of images could traumatise children for a very long time, in fact, I view it as a form of abuse/neglect.

You are right, the OP needs to decide if she wants to carry on with him or not; her choice.

Nobody on here can tell her otherwise; we all have a choice, I choose not to have sick porn in my home around my kids, the OP is the same, hopefully she can work out what to do for the future.

Totally wrong there, lesis and you've clearly not read all of my posts. I was already aware that his friends send these videos. He told me about it and told me he deleted them without watching. Why would I want to shame him for the actions of his friends? I've never even brought it up. I have just today found out this was a lie.

You have a low opinion of his friends and now you've an equally low opinion of him - that's the gist of your thread. I said you've made him feel ashamed - like a naughty school boy - well you didnt want him to feel good about it did you. In any case, you're in a bad place now both of you. So are you going to stay with him and hope you dont see him doing it again or trust that he wont and absolutely live by that trust? Because that's really your only two choices if you're staying together. YOUR choices. His choice could be to say "OP if my knobhead friends send me stuff I'll probably open them without even thinking about it, but I'll make sure I delete it completely off the phone and that's the end of that". Would you be ok with that?

For those of you calling the OP, controlling OTT, perhaps if you had suffered two attempted rapes and sexual assaults your view on porn would be different, have some bloody empathy.

I have suffered over one thousand sexual assaults and over a dozen rapes. Surviving sexual violence doesn't give someone a free pass to control their partner.

He knows what they are before he opens them. One came through as we were talking and he asked whether I wanted to see it so I could see the content. No! I saw the box it came up with with the play button in the middle and it was kind of a white blur. He said they all start that way, I guess the logo of the person or company who creates them? But he knows. He has chosen to watch them. No, I wouldn't be happy to continue a relationship if he continued to watch porn.

Why does having mutually agreed boundaries equate to control for so many people? When he said he agreed with me about porn in general and use within relationships, was I supposed to instinctively know that it was a lie and slap myself across the face for being such a controlling abuser?

Can I say, I think there is probably a vast number of women who have suffered at least some kind of sexual assault/rape , I know I have as have most of my friends. Sometimes at the time you brush it off and bury it and only later realise or acknowledge what happened to you. It's very very very common. That is not to minimise it, but it's fact. As pocket saviour said - your own negative experience might be your reason for a certain behaviour but never an excuse. There's a salient difference in the two and it's all about self-awareness.

You have a low opinion of his friends

when they come out with racist shit or anything vile he just goes 'mmm'. The bloke who was best man at our wedding said 'how does she know, that's what the bathroom's for'.

I had to ask one of them to leave my house when he said, in front of my six year old son, that he had watched porn the night before and 'you've got to, haven't you?'. They were leaving anyway and others did tell him to shut up but nobody is actually brave enough to tell him straight. He told me that he takes his wedding ring off when he goes on nights out.

OP, his friends sound absolutely vile and disgusting, saying that in front of a six year old, Jesus.

Honestly, I'd lose respect for my partner too for not telling this utterly disgusting human being to fuck off and stop sending me his gross and degrading videos, never mind his actual personality. Your OH does sound pretty immature for a 30 year old.

Also, nothing worse than the person you love pretending to have the same values as views as you on something only to find out the complete opposite.

You do not have to apologise for setting firm boundaries.
You do not have to apologise for drawing a line in the sand.
Your Dh knew your boundaries, but breached them.
He could have left the WhatsApp group, blocked specific senders, or told them face to face never to send it again. He didn't.

I would find niche porn saved alongside baby images very disturbing.

He is not the man you thought he was. If you stay together, you will probably be on the lookout for this behaviour for the rest of your marriage. You will never look at him with the same respect. Only you can decide if you can still live with him.

I am sorry for the pain you have previously suffered, and hope you received all the help you needed to heal.

OP, I think it's a case of living in the now with this one. He said that at the start either authentically or not. He's not living by that now. That's as it is as of now. The past is gone. We can debate it all day about what he said back then but today you're here. I do sympathise with you because it's rubbish having your trust broken but the answer is now the same whatever way you cut it.

I would find niche porn saved alongside baby images very disturbing.

Not one person who is pro porn has made one comment about the children having access to this phone, disgusting, only picking on the OP for being abusive, fucken joke, I'm done, OP, good luck, I hope you get to a satisfactory solution, you sound 100% switched on.

The porn is almost a red herring - OP has told her OH that something (porn) frightens/disgusts her, due to her sexual assaults. Separately, she just doesn't like it anyway morally, but the point being he knows this can be triggering - and triggering what sounds like a big reaction exactly because those assaults were such a traumatic event.

OP I'm so sorry about this . I think speaking to professionals at some time - regardless of this incident - is a great idea. Obviously the feelings are still raw from the assaults, and you don't want to be held hostage by them for life. You deserve a better life than that.

Your OH - I think he's an idiot. He's messed up. Should he be chucked...I don't think so. I think you need some time to process, and then speak very very calmly and explicitly about how frightening lack of consent is, and how it can show in what seems to him like just funny videos. "There by the grace of god go I..." - in different circumstances, any one of us could be the girl being laughed at in these videos. If you are to have a wholeness life together, he needs to take on board those experiences, and seriously.

FYI... I actually do watch porn, but only channels that are run by women (they're a bit middle class! How snobby). It actually helped me after an assault, to see sex again where there was no trauma and knowing the women had control over the whole thing.

I can't believe what I'm reading. It's not controlling to have boundaries. If the DH doesn't agree with those boundaries he could leave. The OP is hardly abusing him, come on.

Squiggle I hope you are okay and can come through this (if that's what you want) with your husband.

•notmyrealname• that is a truly excellent post and I take my hat off to you.