I have just caught my husband watching porn.

[Squiggletum]

My husband, who always claimed to agree with me about the porn industry. Walked into the bathroom and hurriedly closed something on his phone. When I jokingly asked what he was doing he couldn't look at me and just said nothing a few times. Then I realised it wa actually something bad. Kids were around so I couldn't say much. I asked again and he said 'I got sent a dodgy video'. It must be how he accessed it. His immature friends send videos Occassionally and they are disgusting. As far as I knew, he deleted them. A lot of them aren't meant to be arousing, I think they're aiming for disgusting and funny. No idea what the content of this one was. Anything even vaguely 'adult' is blocked on our internet and he is not tech savvy at all so would have no idea how to get around that. So he's most likely telling the truth and didn't go looking for it. Still pressed play though. Kids briefly just left the room and he came over and told me he knows there was no excuse and nothing he can say and what do I want him to do. Just wanted him to get away from me tbh. I feel sick. He's offered to take the baby to his nans, said he assumes I now won't want to go to baby group with him this afternoon. I said just leave, as I get out of my face and he thought I wanted him to get out of the house. He asked whether i meant permanently. He obviously knows how much of an important issue this is for me. Aside from the fact he's just destroyed my trust in him, I have been a victim of two attempted rapes and some sexual assaults. He fucking knows my opinions on consent and the porn industry and knowing that it came from his friends doesn't fill me with confidence that this was some female friendly porn. Probably fucking disgusting and degrading.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Feel sick. I don't particularly want him to leave the house and me have all these things running through my mind but I don't know what to say to him either. My mind is a bit jumbled.

And I don't want this to become a thing about how all men watch porn and it's fine. Not fine for me. He watched porn a bit before we got together as far as I'm aware. I don't care. I do care about him doing it whilst in a relationship with me and he knows that and has known all along and has chosen to do it.

It's ok, I don't know why I'm not allowed to express my anger and hurt, totally away from him and in a way that he will ever see, until I have calmed down and we can talk more. It seems that I should just bottle up any negative feelings I have about him or any ways in which he lies or breaks my trust. Who would have thought you'd get judged for experiencing those emotions and describing them to other people away from the situation.

It's not a one off. Not exactly frequent though. He said roughly once a month a video gets sent through. I have been there when one has been sent in the past and he immediately deleted it. Told me what it was and that he just gets rid of them.

To those asking, he has been very apologetic, said he feels sick and can't explain why he did it. I pointed out that he only feels sick because I caught him and have found out he's been lying to me, he would have happily carried on with his day if I hadn't found out. He took the baby to see his nan for a bit. Asked whether I wanted him to leave the house for a while and sleep elsewhere. I don't think I do. It seems pointless. He said he just watched the gross videos out of morbid curiosity, and then rewatched this video again because it was there. Obviously liked the 'nice bits' and wanked to them.

• Fucking irresponsible piece of shit.
• I'm just looking at him and seeing somebody pathetic.
• I feel like I am married to a child.
• the utter disappointment that is my husband
• *I have actually just lost my temper and told him to get the fuck out of the house*
• his thick, racist, pieces of shit friends.
• he just has no backbone.
• Disappointingly pathetic.
• got pretty funny with me when I treated him like the scum he is.
• I see him as weak.
• I have very little respect or liking right now.
• it is just pathetic
• What he said was the cowards way of dealing with things
• It was honestly... pathetic

Look at the way you describe your husband. I think being so morally opposed to porn because it's "degrading" is hypocritical when you will degrade a loved one in this way. It's honestly scary the vitriol you have for him. It seems like you think he's worthless.

I think your anger is and the way you've expressed it here is completely justified OP.

I used the phrase 'irresponsible piece of shit' to describe my feelings in the moment when I realised he has had extreme porn on his phone, kept in between videos of our baby, with no lock on it, knowing that my 9 year old likes to go through the videos and photos of him and his brother fairly frequently. And my use of that phrase, to other people, is worse than the actions that prompted me to use that phrase. Would other words have been less offensive or is any negative description of him abusive? It seems that I am wrong to expect my husband to stick to our mutually agreed upon boundaries but it is ok to expect perfection from a hurting woman on an anonymous Internet forum. What if swearing is ok in our relationship? Would irresponsible man be ok because it's simply factual? Am I allowed to call him irresponsible? What about an irresponsible idiot? Is is it too strong or is it ok because it's not typically considered swearing? At what point are you going to realise picking over my words is ridiculous?

I'm not "expecting perfection" and I don't think you're being victimised. I just gave my opinion. You can't shout me down like you do your husband.

You're not wrong OP, the ones on here trying to bring you down are wrong and I doubt they've had experience of sexual assault and rape.

Fact is he has lead you to believe he had the same beliefs and morals as you, you have now found out he has not, of course you have a right to be angry, your past traumas are obviously adding to the anger, I get it.

You can't shout me down like you do your husband.

The OP has been made to feel like she has to justify her POV to folk like you who's only come back is a childish one, if you can't offer help or support why not go away?

I don't know why I'm not allowed to express my anger and hurt, totally away from him and in a way that he will ever see

Presumably your DH thought he could watch the video totally away from you and in a way that you would never see... Surely the point of your op is that our partners should treat us honorably and respectfully all of the time, not just when they know we're observing them..?

I'm with Adora 100%.

He's lied to you. He's paid lip service to values that he does not share, and has never shared. It's awful.

You oppose porn because it degrades women, no one has said that is wrong, what is being said is wrong is for you to publicly debase and degrade your husband in this manner,

Can you honestly not see the irony? You clearly have anger management issues because the things you wrote about someone you apparantly love is utterly and completely abhorrent. You degraded and debased him. Your behaviour is much much worse.

Bluntness, I don't think the OP has anger issues, I think she has issues around sex and the exploitation of women, considering she herself has suffered sexual assaults and attempted rape, or are you conveniently forgetting that massive fact, do you not think your view on sick porn would be the same had you suffered the same abuse, I think mines would.

Ps. Adora, I'm not trying to bring anyone down and, actually, I have been raped (not that it's a competition or anything ). Sadly, I expect many of the women on this thread have. It's appallingly commonplace.

Having been on the receiving end of shitty treatment is no excuse for not treating others well.

The problem is adora that she's taking those issues out on her husband in a way that is abusive.

Can't believe the people calling the OP "abusive" for venting on an anonymous forum about the betrayal she's only just discovered
I think you can get past this, OP, if he's genuinely sorry and is willing to leave the WhatsApp chat. You just need some space for both of you to process it, so that you can be calm and settled in your feelings, and he won't be defensive and avoiding taking responsibility.

I have lost respect for him. His actions have caused me to lose respect. My huge crime is verbalising my anger to a bunch of strangers online. He has lied to me throughout our entire relationship. What's wrong with use of the word pathetic? It perfectly sums up his actions. He lied, then tried to save face with his friends and still expects me to make it all ok. He actually asked me what he should say to his friends! Why on earth should I deal with that for him? I assume he was trying to consider my feelings somehow or make it right by doing what I wanted, but I want him to behave like an adult and the man I thought he was and bloody sort it out himself.

She's abusive for how she's trying to control and bully him, not for venting on here.

No it's not an excuse, but I think the OPs OTT anger is due to the fact that she has been sexually assaulted in the past and had attempts at rape, bloody awful, you'd have to be made of stone for that not to cloud your judgement on porn, especially this type of degrading porn, it's not rocket science, it makes perfect sense.

Never been raped myself or assaulted, nor have any of my friends, it breaks my heart to think of women having suffered this.

I have lost respect for him.

Then surely it's over, OP?

The problem is adora that she's taking those issues out on her husband in a way that is abusive.

So venting her anger towards him on an anonymous forum that he won't see is abusing him, ok Hilda, as usual the goader of all goaders.

You'd have issues too Hilda if you'd suffered what the OP suffered.

Is it controlling and bullying to have boundaries and rules in your relationship, that are agreed upon beforehand? And to get furious when you discover they've been going behind your back?
Gosh, I had no idea I was controlling for expecting monogamy from my partner

The idea that the OP is abusive or controlling in any way is laughable. Just, no. It's just people on a wind up.

I've been raped multiple times, sexually abused as a child, and prostituted as a minor, and those things have nothing to do with why I think porn is wrong.
Porn is ethically unacceptable in my opinion because it trains the viewers to associate degradation and harmful sex acts with sexual gratification, and because the people working in the industry are often trafficked, coerced, or vulnerable women.

OP, unfortunately there is a minority on here that no matter what your life experience, no matter what your moral stance is, they will always criticise you for it and/or go on a personal attack.

My heart goes out to you and I admire the fact that you have standards, I'd not have that shit in my home either, a phone that your kids regularly access, again, the pro porno's will forget that massive fact too that your children could be exposed to that shit, he really is an idiot.

(I understand some people are not bothered by this, but it is not unreasonable for people to have a serious issue with porn, for reasons other than past abuse, or prudery.)

It's easy to make someone look bad with a list of statements that are taken out of context.

Don't understand the straw man argument about her venting about her dh. Loads of people come to mn to vent about their partners, family members, friends etc. Mn would be pretty quiet if that wasn't allowed. Seems to be the go to argument from people who disagree with you, but can't seem to think of a valid response.