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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The Dating Thread 119 | Summer days, drifting away...

999 replies

pringlecat · 27/06/2017 08:51

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  1. If it's not fun, stop.
  2. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 30/07/2017 09:01

Oh no Lana at least it was just a coffee date and not a long evening. I hate it when they are nothing like you imagine them to be, I think a lot of people lie or miss a lot out in their profiles.

I went out last night (first time in ages), I didn't meet anyone but I realised that I can talk to people and make new friends so maybe one day I might bump into Mr right.

I'm going out with Mr Surf tomorrow night for drink and maybe something to eat but the is his last chance, he keeps messaging to say how he's looking forward to seeing me.

I have had quite a few messages on POF though s week but haven't had time to reply to them and most don't look that interesting. I have been taking to Mr Bike but he seems complicated (has mental health issues that he is quite open about and doesn't have a full time job) but I think he would make a good friend.

JellyBean31 · 30/07/2017 09:39

Hi all... I've had no Internet for 2 days so am just about to catch up on all the goings on 😉.

Mr california came back from his holiday very jet lagged so messages understandably dropped off a bit... Then... They stopped all together!!! No idea why we'd been talking about meeting up!

So I have zero irons atm and am feeling fairly fed up!

waryandbored · 30/07/2017 09:44

Hello! I'm new here and newly returning to dating after a dreadful violent relationship that ended last year. The fact that I met him online means I'm super wary and mistrusting of anyone I talk to.
So far, I've met one guy - great first date but after the second I felt he became really clingy and needy. He was upset that I didn't text him for a day and when I questioned this, he proceeded to tell me how amazing he thought I was and how he didn't want to lose me - way too soon!!
I've got a couple of chats at the moment and both have mentioned meeting... Anyone got advice on how to go into these things with an open mind rather than always expecting the worst? I'm not even sure if I want a relationship but would be nice to try and find out, if that makes sense.

earthangel797 · 30/07/2017 09:46

It seems we are all having a tough time on here at the moment, but at least we have each other to get through.

pringlecat I'm sure your profile doesn't come across boring at all but they say opposites attract and maybe that is the case with you. You just like someone to be different to you.

Lovemusic good luck with your date tomorrow. Hopefully this one will help you decide whether you want to go forward with Mr Surf or kick him to the curb.

I'm seeing Mr Blue Eyes today for a 4th date. I'm going to his and he is going to cook me dinner. I'm looking forward to seeing him but still not sure I feel as excited as I should and he is super keen which just scares the bejesus out of me when I'm not sure. I've got two other irons I'm talking to Mr Busy and Mr Festival but no idea if a meet will happen with either. All feels a bit slow right now and no one seems to have any real chat. I don't think men understand they need to lure you to go on date with them by being chatty, interested and funny. Hey babe isn't going to cut it!

earthangel797 · 30/07/2017 09:49

jellybean sorry to hear mr california has fallen into the abyss! So annoying when that happens but at least he didn't do it after a few dates when you had maybe started to like him. Hope some new irons pop up soon.

AntiGrinch · 30/07/2017 09:53

"he is super keen which just scares the bejesus out of me when I'm not sure"

Yes. Like they can somehow make you have a relationship with them against your will, and you will regret it - like that feeling when you go to a job interview and realise instantly you will hate to work there and feel the walls closing in on you as if you don't have a choice

"I don't think men understand they need to lure you to go on date with them by being chatty, interested and funny. Hey babe isn't going to cut it!"

I know, right? what do they think you're going to do with that?

I'm probably over-thinking it but I think this comes from an idea deep down that relatiionships are women's work. they just have to find a woman and she'll do the rest - including the very initial conversation. very off-putting. When I am feeling desperate I think "I should think of a way to draw him out, I coudl really like this man if I could just get him talking" and then sanity hits and I realise that's just signing up to a life of responsibility for connectino and communication (which many women have)

AntiGrinch · 30/07/2017 09:56

By the way speaking of sanity hitting, I am definitely going to unmatch that guy. I have decided I may be ok with a sex date in principle but a couple of things about this guy make me uncomfortable. Weirdly one of them is that he says things "you're awesome" "I really like you" and calls me "gorgeous" in messages and stuff.... in theory it should be more exciting not less that he is more into me now he knows me a bit and actually could be, I think, thinking more about a relationship than a hook up now (I could not get him off the phone last night!) but the ways in which he isn't right for me seem all the more glaring when he's being a bit starry-eyes and I think I'm just going to send a short good bye note to be kind and just unmatch

Bant · 30/07/2017 10:05

Interesting perspective anti - but for me I see the exact opposite. Men have to generally make the first move. If I sat there and waited for women to approach me, I'd have two or three 'hey there' messages a week, all from women I just don't fancy whatsoever. And so many women have profiles that say 'just ask' - which immediately puts all the onus on us to be curious yet not intrusive, witty yet not be obviously trying too hard..

Some conversations feel like trying to get blood from a stone. Monosyllabic, never once ask questions about me. Dull dull dull.

I think it's both people's responsibility to be funny, interesting, interested, insightful, whatever. Yes you're the prize but so are they. It's just that in most conversations you're not the right prize for each other.

I let conversations drop quickly if they're not putting their effort in. I'm generally more interesting (to me, anyway :) ) and if someone isn't interested enough to ask questions and tell me what they think about stuff - if there isn't a connection - then I'll move on.

That said, I haven't been on OLD in weeks as I'm up to date twelve or so with MissTattoo. I made her dinner last night and breakfast this morning and she's just gone home.

It is nice. No angst, no awkwardness. I like things the way they are at the moment and so does she so we're just settling into a pattern of her coming round here sometimes so we can watch a film, or meeting for lunch, or going out somewhere once every week or so.

Like I said. It's nice.

AntiGrinch · 30/07/2017 10:10

"I think it's both people's responsibility to be funny, interesting, interested, insightful, whatever."

Yes I guess you're right!

glad things seem to be working out with MissTattoo.

ShatnersWig · 30/07/2017 10:36

Find myself agreeing with Bant

LetsGoFlyAKiteee · 30/07/2017 11:07

Talking to a guy. Seemed lovely and messaging everyday and suddenly nothing. Rather just say sorry no thank you then just completely ignore all of a sudden

Oh well..

LanaDReye · 30/07/2017 12:40

Bant have you decided if 'nice' is enough?

I have come back from a 'nice' date with Mr Jobs. He was honest, friendly and no red flags, but it was all 'meh'. I messaged and said lovely to meet but don't think we have enough in common.

Maybe I am becoming jaded and should have a break.

Letsgofly that is sadly normal for OLD unfortunately. Think 'next' or do something normal.

Bant · 30/07/2017 12:57

Nice is enough for now.

It's not meh at all. There's a lot of chemistry, we make each other laugh. We like lots of the same things and can talk for ages about stuff - although she doesn't generally start conversations, she mostly responds to me.

It's better, so far, than several relationships I've had in the past. But it's not as good as others. It doesn't feel wrong, but it doesn't feel completely right either. It's good enough to enjoy time with her, without falling head over heels in love with her.

It's only been a month. We haven't argued, we haven't disagreed, we haven't met each other's friends or family or kids. I still haven't been to her house yet as she's embarrassed about it being smaller than my place (and my place isn't big)

So it's early days and I'll see how it goes without any urgent need for it to be some forever-thing, and no urge to go back online and hunt for that. I don't know if I'll fall in love with her, I don't think I will, maybe I will. I don't know. I like her a lot.

Most relationships end in failure. This one may do, or it could be something more. I don't feel the need to overthink and overplan it.

AntiGrinch · 30/07/2017 13:27

I messaged Hook-up guy and said something vague and polite that amounted to "good bye". I got a nice, regretful but accepting message in return. And then unmatched. so I feel karmically at peace at not being that person who just drops people and the other person is left hanging.

LanaDReye · 30/07/2017 14:07

I think that's fair AntiG you can move on with a clear conscience.

Bant personally I'm not sticking with 'maybe' relationships, but this may be where I'm going very wrong 😂

I've just deleted MrSameEmployer as he left me waiting to see if he was free this eve...his important task for this morning that prevented a reply was...having a cup of tea Hmm next!

Mr Snowboarder now has my number so I'm writing to three.

Lovemusic33 · 30/07/2017 14:58

Lets it seems to be the norm with online dating. Most people are talking to more than one person at a time, if someone better comes along then they drop one of the others or maybe he went on a date with someone else and it all went well. I did have one man the other week message me to say 'he wouldn't be talking to me anymore as he had got back with his ex' nice of him to tell me as it happens often and they just vanish. It's probably happened to me over ten times in the time I have been OLD, I still find it annoying but I just move on to the next one and try not to think too much about it.

Bant glad it's going well with your date. I think it's hard to tell if things will last but if your enjoying it then carry on and see if things grow.

coffeeandchocolate4 · 30/07/2017 20:46

I've wondered about that too (chatting to more than one person) but have stuck with just one as he's very sweet and kind (so far) aka Mr Green. We've had 6 dates and have now kissed, it seems to have broken the tension as we both know where we stand a little more and we both admitted we're ridiculously shy, it's noticeable that we're both more relaxed now. I took Bants advice and whilst no steps were involved in the end, it happened in a situation where you couldn't but kiss if that makes sense.
I'm dying to know why he's never been married or engaged though. Not that I'm expecting a clear cut answer but he knows a lot about me (mainly due to my situation with child care and separation etc) whereas I feel like I know very little about his past. Is it odd to ask? I really have no clue as when I last dated I was a student (11 years ago) and admittedly met my STBXH on a drunken night out where such conversations were not relevant at the time!

YellowAardvark · 30/07/2017 21:44

Hi everyone- back after a week and still grateful for the advice you all gave me about Mr RL. It helped a lot in terms of mentally disengaging. I need to be a bit better though but it's hard when your lives overlap. Has anyone else managed this and how?

coffeeandchocolate4 · 31/07/2017 07:50

Yellow - can you try to compartmentalise? As in any thought about the person/situation you put in a 'box' in your head and picture yourself opening and closing the box, then walking away from the box. Sounds odd but it worked for me.

eve34 · 31/07/2017 09:27

Morning all. Well sadly I am dipping my toe into the world of old. So watching for tips and hints.

I am just out of long term relationship so just using it as a distraction at the moment. The thought of actually meeting people terrifies me.

JellyBean31 · 31/07/2017 10:38

Help oh wise online cynics daters

I mentioned a few days ago about an ex showing up on tinder, (let's call him Mr flaky) me swiping left but having "what if" thoughts all day!

Well he popped up again, my curiosity got the better of me and I wanted to know if he'd liked me, so I swiped right... We matched!!! I immediately unmatched as I know getting back in touch will be a hiding to nothing.

Now he's sent me a fb message... All just chatty etc... What do I do???

Me & my nosyness... Confused

JellyBean31 · 31/07/2017 10:40

Ignoring a direct fb message seems somehow harder than ignoring a message on tinder..

anothernew · 31/07/2017 11:25

Oh me and my snooping.

I was properly invested up to this morning with my 3 week fledgling 'relationship'.
Something set my spidey senses off.
I went looking, and there he was. Still on dating sites, which wouldn't be a big deal if he hadn't told me he'd deleted his profile.
It's been going great. Better than great. Unbelievably great.

So what does this mean? He lied. That's not great is it. What else does he lie about?
He's still looking? He's not sure about me? He doesn't know what he wants? It's only been three weeks and I shouldn't believe what he says about how lucky he feels to have found me? Gah.

I felt so sure yesterday. I'm fully aware it could all go to shit at any moment but I was v willing to take the risk and enjoy seeing where this went. I've enjoyed the time with him more than anything I can ever remember.

Now I'm annoyed for believing it could be real. Have I fallen for another player? Or am I over reacting?

Oh. And his phone rang in the middle of the night when he stayed over. He said it was a friend. I didn't believe that. I think it was another woman. But I didn't let it bother me because it would have been out of his control, and it could mean anything. Do I need to work on my self respect??

earthangel797 · 31/07/2017 12:09

anothernew I would feel annoyed too in your situation. How did the conversation come about when he told you he had deleted his profile? Was it because you had told him you had deleted your profile? Either way he has lied about it which isn't good. Had you both agreed not to see other people?

I don't think you are overreacting. Its hard to trust someone in the early stages without having it confirmed they have lied to you. Are you going to mention it to him or just leave it? I think you have to trust your gut too about the phone call in the night. Might not mean he is seeing someone else, could have just been a drunken ex maybe.

I feel for you, its rubbish!

anothernew · 31/07/2017 13:19

He showed me he'd deleted it after our first date. I was a bit Hmm but it's flattering isn't it. I hid mine after second date. I can't see the point in talking to others when you've got your eye on someone specific.

He's been keen. I was supposed to be going slow. But I do have that 'if it's not a fuck yes, then it's a no' mentality. And for me, he's a fuck yes. So I allowed myself to get a bit carried away, knowing full well it could all go to shit at any time, and that I'll be fine.

I don't know. Maybe it's a non issue. Maybe it's just a wake up call to the fact that it's early days. Too early to expect honesty though? Am I an idiot for believing him having both feet in at just 3 weeks?

I'm not sure it's my place to tell him whether he should be on the dating sites or not. But suddenly it feels like I shouldn't believe what he says. Maybe I should tell him that?