The Dating Thread 119 | Summer days, drifting away...

[pringlecat]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.

1. If it's not fun, stop.
2. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Ok lovemusic then in that case it's nit hypocritical that you're annoyed that he's still looking online, if you are but didn't tell him you weren't.

He lied. You didn't.

I don't understand why you're persisting with this thing with him? You don't seem to look forward to seeing him, you wish you hadn't slept together. He's off hunting for someone else and has never really seemed that much into you with his rest days and stuff.

Isn't it better to be single than to settle for something which makes you unhappy? Free up some space and you'll be available to meet someone who makes you happier than he does. It's really not worth pursuing this when he obviously just sees you as a temporary thing until somebody me else comes along. Not someone better, just someone else.

If I were you and you did want to keep trying, then you should be upfront and ask if he's still online. You haven't said you were stopping, but he did.

He may try and turn it around on you, and say he thought he'd check if you were, and you were, so he did nothing wrong. Except he lied, you didn't.

So I downloaded tinder again (I'm still a bit sad, really fancied the guy! He was so lovely and normal a rare find) but I'm having such an issue with logging in! I can use it for about 10 minutes a day then it'll log me off and I won't be able to log in again until the next day. It's very frustrating! And not helping at all. Has anyone else had this problem?

I do look forward to seeing him, I'm just confused as to what he actually wants, maybe I should just ask him outright?
I'm not seeing him tonight as he can't get here until late and by then I will probably be asleep, for an hour it's just not worth it, the plan was to see him on Monday. I'm going to try and stop worrying about it. I'm going to stay on POF unless something changes.

If you can't ask him outright, then what's the point?

There's lots of angst in the beginning of many relationships. But the angst generally means that things aren't right. When there isn't the angst, things feel natural and you're happy.

That's very rare to find, of course. That's why people don't get in to long term things very often.

But I think most people try to fit a square plug into a round hole, and they know, really, that it doesn't fit. But they want it to.

That scraping of trying to fit things together when they don't fit - that's the angst.

Bant, when you say that you enjoy spending time with Miss Tattoo but she is more into you than you her, what do you envisage happening in the future? Do you have a time-point by which you either become more into someone or you decide that it's not got longterm potential or could things continue indefinitely as they are?

I'm more of a Yoda.

justme - I'm a bloke. We're usually happier when nodding along, keeping things the way they are. As things are, I see her quite often, we talk a lot, we make each other laugh, the sex is good.

Eventually I want to come home to someone, talk about our days, make dinner and curl up watching tv together. Is this going to become that? I don't know. Possibly, possibly not. I'm not going to think about next month or next year, I'm just seeing how things go at the moment, and if things start feeling wrong I'll deal with it then.

I'm not overthinking

That sounds good bant. By saying that she is more into you, do you think that she may be thinking further ahead than you and may have already decided that she would like it to become more serious?

I'm just never sure what someone means if they say they are happy and enjoying the relationship but not as keen as the other person?

God I'd love to be a man with that logical thinking.

She may be thinking further ahead. Sometimes she seems to start saying something intense, then stops, reconsiders, and seems to tone it down.

I just say whatever comes to mind. I can overthink, and I have done before, in an angsty thing. This isn't angsty so I'm ok. It is what it is, it's making me happy, I'm not making any promises or making out that this is more than what it is, because we're not talking about what this is. There doesn't seem to be a need to.

So we see each other, enjoy it, and it's nice. No need to overthink.

Possibly she wants a long term plan. She hasn't talked about it and I'm not in any rush to make any. Maybe that's what is missing, for me - someone I want to make plans with.

But then, it's been a month, far too early to worry about the future. Or worry about the fact I'm not worrying about the future. Things will unfold in their own time

Not quite two months in for me with someone I met on Tinder. He's nice and we get on well. No red flags. Just not sure what he wants long term. Bant is so right in saying that things will unfold in their own time but I can't help wondering and don't want to be wasting my time if you know what I mean. I just don't know how to bring the subject up without scaring him off. And I don't want to get too heavy. I am enjoying it and trying to play it cool. And sometimes I think perhaps he might think I'm being too cool. It's really hard to judge isn't it?

Bant and Fedup I have been in that position a few times over almost a year on OLD now. Personally I asked the questions about LTR and that's when things ended, but all dating experience is learning but I get the time wasting feeling too

I have a date partially planned for Tue or Wed. I'll call him Mr Serious probably too serious in general for me .

Feeling like I am probably not the type for a sex date after all. I could do with it in a way but I'm feeling pretty freaked out after chatting to the charming filth-merchant. It feels scary in a way I can't articulate. I can't decide whether to chill out and see if I feel better about it, or unmatch and disappear because I'm feeling weird

Urgh been offered polyamory and hook ups. One iron I'm
Not sure about. Ugh. Thinking I need to sign up to match what do you think?

@Bant this is quite interesting. I've always had the crazily, swept away intense feelings very early on with my relationships that were long term. With this I'm just pretty happy/very happy to chat to him and hang out with him and DTD. It's making me wonder if that means it's just going to be short term or if they lack of crazy intense/periods of feeling confused is due to the not knowing if we are exclusive etc.

I also wonder if 'just happy' is actually a better start to something as I'm not putting him on a pedestal as I think I have done with ex's. I'm more realistic about who he is and what a long term thing could be like with him. Or do we all think the crazy infatuation is required?

Oh I'm not sure! The crazy infatuation is great but the last relationship I had was like that and we were completely incompatible but I ignored all that as I was so besotted!
I think there's possibly more chance of longer term prospects if you go in with your eyes wide open but not sure if that means it's lacking a bit in passion, I'm still at the stage where I'm craving the infatuation but I've only been single a couple of months!

What is it with the pictures of men with kids on their profile? Half of them haven't even got kids but have pictures of them holding various kids, I don't get it?

NoBloodyMore - Maybe its to show their caring paternal side!! I'm not sure which I dislike the most lyrca clad men on bikes or kid photo's. Give me strength.

Fedup - I would try to just live in the moment. Enjoy it rather than looking too far ahead. Even if it isn't going to turn into something long term its not a waste of time - its a new experience.

"the last relationship I had was like that and we were completely incompatible but I ignored all that as I was so besotted!" me too. I think also subconsciously thought he would be a suitable father, although I didn't know I wanted children (we did have children together).

Pics with kids - I think it is to show that they are "nice"? maybe to show they are comfortable socialising with children which they think will appeal to women because women are a bit like children? (half joking)

Does anyone want to help me sort through my feelings about potential sexy hook up - or is that just obviously gross to all of you so there is nothing to discuss?

AG - its totally not gross, if you have an itch that needs scratching then do it. Why are you feeling freaked out? Have you done casual hook-ups before? They leave me a bit cold to be honest...... have only ever done it the once.

AG I'm not sure from your previous postings how you want us to try and sort out your feelings. I'm sure some on the thread would be able to offer advice if you perhaps ask some specifics which make it easier to respond?

user1488 - I have never done it before and I am not sure whether it would leave me feeling terrible

Shatner - basically the above. I'm oscillating between thinking a bit of fun with someone who appears to be a basically nice guy with a penchant for talking dirty would be great; and thinking I am going to regret it and feel awful and sleazy - and of course there are practical risks too.

I don't have to decide anything now. I'm going on holiday for two weeks and he knows this. When I am back I will have more childfree time than usual as exP is taking the dcs on holiday. Potential sex date man does not know this. But I do. And I am wondering what I should do with this time!

AntiG nothing wrong with hook ups as long as both people know that is what it is. I have done it a few times but I find it hard not to let feelings get in the way (if you meet on a regular basis).

AntiG why not meet up and see how you both feel? I mean brief coffee and chat and then think about whether you would like a hook up or not?

Rather than hook ups I tend to DTD in dating fairly quickly and don't have much of a gap between (do consider safe sex and ask for STI checks). I don't think I could fully relax unless I thought it could be part of something more longer term. Never say never though!

AntiG I second what Lara says, go for a quick coffee with the possible hook up guy to check him out and see if there is chemistry, don't put pressure on yourself.

There's nothing wrong with hook-up type arrrangements at all. I have several irons in the fire on that front. I don't get emotionally attached, but I think it does take time and experience to get to that place. I've kinda given up on attempting to find a relationship but good sex with hot men is very easy to find :)