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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

From Russia With Love (earrings 2)

449 replies

MarilynMonsoon · 25/06/2017 23:54

Can't believe so many of you helped me that I need a new thread!?

No contact tonight, dread tomorrow's return to the flat though

OP posts:
SaneAsABoxOfFrogs · 03/07/2017 10:26

Why do you feel a fool? He tried to manipulate you by looking all pathetic, and you didn't fall for it!

kaitlinktm · 03/07/2017 10:30

I agree with Saneas - you aren't a fool, you didn't fall for it.

This last "sighting" should convince you (as if you weren't convinced already) of exactly what a callous, conniving liar he is. He wanted to string you along for a bit longer for his own convenience - BUT YOU DIDN'T FALL FOR IT!.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 03/07/2017 10:39

He's probably a sharp dressed man today because he is back in the office with Anna Bolynski.

It'll be a pathetic attempt to impress her as he desperately tries to grab something to come out of the fucked up mess they've caused.

Mix56 · 03/07/2017 10:46

wow, he can't really stoop any lower.

PoorYorick · 03/07/2017 10:56

Why are you a fool? You weren't fooled by it. It's like ignoring a scam email. You're not a fool just because someone tried to sucker you.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 03/07/2017 11:18

You caught him out good and proper. He must have known someone else would see him all clean and tidy on his way to work and immediately tell you. He really is a bit of a dimwit isn't he?

Jayfee · 03/07/2017 11:18

This crappy bloke sounds like my gorgeous daughter's ex's doppelganger. is there a website where they get a plan of what to do next!

magoria · 03/07/2017 11:47

What a pathetic sack.

He id all dressed up and pimped to show OW what she is missing out on.

How desperate and sad.

PoorYorick · 03/07/2017 11:51

Anne Boleynski has already seen him at his best and isn't impressed. Credit card bill should be coming in soon.

Original poster
MarilynMonsoon · 03/07/2017 13:36

I feel like a fool because i really did feel sorry for him when i saw him, but it was all an act and now he's done up to the nines to see his old mistress at work, i keep waiting for the waves of pain to go away but they dont :(

OP posts:
Rightchoiceat46 · 03/07/2017 14:10

The pain will ease.

You are no fool. After what you have been through recently it would be impossible to escape without pain. The pain will ease and remember we all think you are awesome.

ThatsNotMyMarmot · 03/07/2017 14:25

You're amazing MM. New home, new life soon. Bit of painting and decorating and a few nice things around you that are just yours and it will help enormously. He is a twat.

WaitingfortheMiracle · 03/07/2017 14:29

Now that he's getting back into his flat, he probably thinks he can get back into Anne Boleynski pants. He has a lovenest lined up now, hasn't he, as opposed to shagging her on his mammy's sofa?

Can you pack, leave, and return ALL the keys to the LL? That would put the onus on ex to talk his way back in. And YOU would be well out of harms way, sofa surfing at a friends, with his number blocked, and social media on lockdown.

Head up, lipstick on, and pity the poor fool...

ComputerUserNotTrained · 03/07/2017 14:36

His old mistress who isn't interested. And if she is, then she's welcome to him Flowers

Earlybird · 03/07/2017 14:39

Don't feel like a fool. You felt compassion for someone who appeared to be in great distress. That is a natural human reaction.

But, as much as you felt sorry for him, you didn't waver and held true to your position. That took tremendous strength. Thank goodness you didn't fall for his act (that would have been foolish).

And today, hearing about his appearance and demeanour, you realise how much of an act yesterday was. It all should add up to proving again how much you didn't know who this man really is. It isn't pretty, and even though it hurts like hell to be deceived so completely, you'll be far better off out of the relationship in the long term

Hidingtonothing · 03/07/2017 14:50

It was an act and the fact that he's capable of such cold manipulation just confirms how far away from the decent person you deserve to be with he really is. I know it hurts and that's part of the process but once that process is over you will breathe a huge sigh of relief that you found out who he really is before you wasted any more time on him.

He's scratching around trying to salvage something, anything from the shitty situation he's landed himself in, he's desperate basically and that's attractive to no one. I suspect he chose the 'pity me' strategy with you because he knows you're a kind, warm, empathetic person and it speaks volumes that, by contrast, he thinks Anne Boleynski is shallow enough to fall for a sharp suit and a squirt of aftershave.

This is the tough bit Marilyn, the bit where everything that's happened starts to properly sink in and you realise fully that he's not who you thought he was. It will be hard and painful getting your head around it all but those feelings are temporary. He, on the other hand, will always be a snake, a shallow, deceitful, manipulative snake who doesn't deserve to kiss your shoes. Remember that when you're feeling shitty because you can (and will) do so much better whereas I can see him ending up a very sad and lonely man.

Jayfee · 03/07/2017 14:54

It might help to think of it as a physical injury. If you had been in a bad car crash, you would expect pain from the broken bones and bruises. It will take time to get over it. No matter what people tell you about how great you are you will sometimes be running over what he said and what he did and doubting yourself. But then you will have better times when you know it was him, not you, who was weak, dishonest and cruel. It will get better and you will love and be loved again

ProphetOfDoom · 03/07/2017 18:55

Everything that's just been said.

Remember that he has been lying for a long time. To you, to numerous other people, to himself even to make his bastard behaviour all 'okay' in his head. Just because the tawdry affair has come to light doesn't stop him being a devious wanker although you might think it would. He's upbeat because he thinks he has somewhere to move to/getting his life back to how it was. But he's an idiot. Firstly, you're going to be the ghost that haunts that place. Secondly, your landlord isn't keen/thinks he's a twat. And thirdly, there were presumably two incomes going into that rent, not one. You're doing the smart & healthy thing by finding a new place to live. I would also do diddly squat to facilitate a handover - he ain't your issue any longer.

Your integrity shines through. Never be ashamed for being warm & compassionate.

TopangaD · 03/07/2017 19:22

Don't feel a fool.. it is understandable obviously but seriously read the on going viper support her and know you are neither a fool nor alone.. I've been there.. there are a fair few of us who have reading posts and we know exactly every ounce of pain and doubt and anger and questioning you are going through. music really helped me through and ( if it helps here is my mix tape for you going forward..

This is your blank white page ( Mumford and sons)
You will make a brand new start ( Paul weller)
You have been a superwoman - important lyric, even when I'm a mess with an s on my vest oh yes
I'm a super woman! ( Alicia keys)
You need to shake it off ( Florence and machine... 'it's always darkest before the dawn' 'I've been a fool and I've been blind' etc.. fucking cracking song!)
And then power through to
Since you've been gone ( Kelly Clark son)
Fighter ( Christina agrellera)

And on to the future.. this part of the mix is left unwritten..
Xx

FluffyWhiteTowels · 03/07/2017 19:51

As so many have said. You are not in any way a fool. Those of us who ignored and became doormats are fools. It only delayed the inevitable.

He is 'doing' the script to try and make you feels sorry for him because he wasn't prepared at this time for his world to crumble becuasebABski rebuffed him and didn't want quote ' I didn't mean you should leave her '. And yes he wanted to jauntily waltz into work to try and continue to seduce ABski. Note ... you got the smelly didn't make any effort version ... she gets the made a massive effort version.

You got the foul mouthed vile comments including ... I think ... don't come near her/us or I will call call the police as you are harassing her/us. Except there is no 'us' for him as she doesn't want him.

Infidelity is one thing , the foul abusive nasty spiteful messages he sent are a whole different universe. If she had wanted him he would have continued with foul abusive messages. Instead he turned up smelly and hadn't given a toss what he looked like. And the next day tip top looking dandy off to the office .... he's a twunt

ClopySow · 03/07/2017 20:02

Don't feel a fool. It just shows he's manipulative and pathetic.

Fightthebear · 03/07/2017 20:16

You're the very opposite of a fool.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 03/07/2017 20:22

Ok MN let's share future songs ... cheeesy I know but .... It's raining men
Kelly clarkson ... since you've been gone

Hidingtonothing · 03/07/2017 21:08

For the day you realise you're finally over him and all his bullshit, Elbow-One Day Like This.

cordelia16 · 03/07/2017 21:13

OP, you are in no way a fool. You've handled yourself beautifully throughout this whole situation.

My take on the "sharply dressed man" act is not that he's trying to impress the OW... because deep down he knows that ain't happening anymore. Rather, I view it as a way for him to save face at work. All of his colleagues must know what has happened (esp if he missed days of work following that weekend). He's dressing up to show ppl that he's absolutely fine, that he has risen above all of this unfair treatment (in his mind). He has to work with these ppl, and with her, every day, so he can't afford to be viewed as even remotely pathetic. We've seen how big his ego is... he has to project that he's not down on his luck. That's all it is, imho.

Keep on being as awesome as you have been, OP. You'll soon be in your new flat and can finally put all reminders of him in the past. Wishing you all the best Flowers