Will my ex and father of my first born ever forgive me or at least want to be friends?

[jodiemumtodavid]

My first born child is now 4. Me and his father met off pof and were very careless and i fell pregnant. We were totally not right for each other so I called things off with him when i was 5 months pregnant. Please don't judge me but I got back with my childhood sweetheart whilst i was pregnant. Things as you can imagine were very tense for the rest of the pregnancy and when baby arrived. We let him see his son every other weekend and i always let him take him during the week when he wants to take time off work and asks for his boy. We have never asked for any maintenance money from him. We don't argue but he is so cold with me. I try and be nice to him when he picks up ds but he barely says a word to me. Me and my now husband also now have a daughter together so my hubby deffo does not tread too much on the daddy role to my boy. He refuses to be in the same room as my husband. I really feel sad that my boy is going to pick up soon that his dad hates his mum, and also things like birthday parties i just can't see him or his family ever wanting to do a joint celebration.

It might be her right to have who she wants at the birth but letting her ex, who then became her new boyfriend then husband, be there is cruel. It's not the same as having her mother, sister, female friend there.

I don't understand this thread at all.

NEITHER PERSON IS DOING ANYTHING WRONG.

OP: YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. YOUR EX HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG.

He is polite, civil, offered child support and see his child as much as he can. What on earth is wrong with that?

You left him (which you have every right to do!!!) and have allowed him access and have been polite and civil.

Why do you need him to like you? Why do you need to be friends? JUST LEAVE IT ALONE.

Ignore the people beating up on you and ignore the crazy person beating up on your ex. Neither have you have done a thing wrong. You're actually a great model of co parenting.

It might be her right to have who she wants at the birth but letting her ex, who then became her new boyfriend then husband, be there is cruel.

Rot, when giving birth it's important that a woman has who the fuck she wants there, because she needs support and care, not stress. It's not a time to be putting anyone else's potential hurty-fee-fees first.

It's all about you, OP, isn't? Your need to see yourself as the good guy - you need him to play along with that "oh and we're friends now, which is marvellous for our son" perfect narrative.

Re access - you've done nothing wrong. I winced at that "we", but OK maybe it is habit.

But STOP with trying to make yourself feel better. Your need to pretend you can be friends does not trump the fact that he wants to keep you at a distance.

You know how your son calls your husband "daddy" sometimes? Don't you think that hasn't happened at his real dad's house? "Mummy and daddy and and I went to..." Have you ANY idea how much that hurts?

Give it up. He's a good dad and he's civil. That's all you need. Stop thinking about yourself here.

Today 13:34 Goingtobeawesome

It might be her right to have who she wants at the birth but letting her ex, who then became her new boyfriend then husband, be there is cruel. It's not the same as having her mother, sister, female friend there

It's only cruel if you see birth as about the father!

It's about the physical act of a removing a human from a woman's body. And most women want their partners there. He's a long term partner that she'd had a break from. It makes sense he was there.

ALSO not everyone woman has a mother/sister female friend they'd want at their birth. I don't. It was dh or nothing.

Hey op. You haven't done anything wrong. I don't think your ex has either. It's just a difficult situation, complicated and not always comfortable, and you know what, that's life. Nothing to be ashamed of.

I do think you need to let go of the fantasy that you ex will want to be chummy/friendly. Being distant is just his way of protecting himself from this situation and, if that's what he needs to do to feel ok, that is something that you can support him with, by relaxing into it (if that makes sense?) Don't expect him to act differently towards you to make YOU comfortable. Allow him to be himself. When you're around him, focus on your breathing and just stay calm and in the moment, try to wish him well without expecting anything from him.

It sounds like you already are lovely towards DS regarding his dad, and that goes a long long way. I suspect your ex is nice about you to DS as well. And honestly op that's more than enough! You can honour and respect each other's place in DSs life without being warm/nice to each other.

It's going to be ok. DS is loved, and he has a dad plus a bonus dad, and his parents are all calm/respectful around each other. That's a wonderful start in life.

It sounds like you have handled everything as well as you possibly could in my opinion. I know people are very squeamish about pregnant women starting up new relationships, but as long as there is no deception it's nobody else's business. Were you with your ex for long when you became pregnant?

A poor choice of words in your OP is what has certain posters jumping all over you, instead of looking at the reality of the situation. Which is that you are bending over backwards to accommodate your ex, and he is still hanging on to his grudge. If he can muster up some civility around teachers/doctors to ease the atmosphere, he should be able to do that for his son's benefit too. It's his poor attitude that will cause problems in future for their child, and the OP is right to be worried about it.

This is a strange thread! You've done nothing wrong op, I don't understand why you're getting such a hard time. You're ex sounds a dick who has zero respect for you, that's the problem.

Give it up. He's a good dad and he's civil. That's all you need. Stop thinking about yourself here.

But she isn't, is she? She's thinking about her son. Sooner or later he will pick up on the animosity his father has for his mother, and it's totally unnecessary.

What happened to him was painful, yes, but it was years ago, and he has a happy healthy four year old son who he doesn't pay a penny for in maintenance. He needs to grow up.

It might be her right to have who she wants at the birth but letting her ex, who then became her new boyfriend then husband, be there is cruel.

Oh bollocks is it. The person pushing a whole other person out of her body is the person whose feelings count. She went through a lot of pain and not inconsiderable risk having her ex's baby. He could have got in touch weeks before and made friendly arrangements to come to the hospital after the birth. He didn't. She invited him round. He wouldn't. If it was that important to him, he'd have found a way to cope with entering her new partner's house. I'd cross bloody oceans to see my newborn baby! Whereas he thought his feelings about getting dumped were more important.

People have the right to leave relationships and start new ones. The risk of entering a relationship is that you might get dumped. You might be devastated about it, but it's not unreasonable or cruel of the other person. The only thing OP has done vaguely wrong is talking about her and her DH 'allowing' contact, and that's an understandable bit of clumsiness when it's her and her DH who have the little boy most of the time.

OP, he may not come round to the extent that you'd like, but that doesn't mean you've done anything terrible. You couldn't give him what he wanted, and he obviously felt/still feels crap about it, but it is what it is. Try to accept the cool civility without taking it as a sign you need to feel guilty. You're doing fine. Time may heal the rift or it may not, but you can't change it either way, so just keep on being a good mum to your DS.

I agree OP did nothing wrong, but how is the boy's father a dick who has zero respect?

Just because he doesn't want to be OP's bestie?

She says he's a good dad. He's been reliable, he loves his son, buys him things, does things with him, doesn't say negative things to him (according to OP), attends appointments and is civil during those. He just doesn't want to pretend that he likes her.

Now the OP says she didn't have an affair. So it's true. But come on - from his side? If he posted here most people works say "minimising, she'll never admit, she wouldn't have jumped without a warm bed - oh, childhood sweetheart too? Yeah - she definitely cheated on you".

He's wrong if he thinks that - but it's not surprising that he does. He even wanted a DNA test. I don't blame him.

So in his mind, these are the people who not only had an affair - but got the happily ever after with HIS child, too.

Why would he want to be friends?!!!
My XH was a cheat. I am only civil at handovers. My child is fine - happily and casualty invites me to daddy's BBQs with his GF (not OW) so I don't think she's been emotionally destroyed by us not being besties.

Of course it doesn't do anyone to remain bitter. But the child's father doesn't like his cheating ex. End of. Why should he be her friend to make her feel better?

Civil is fine.

And if this man is putting savings for his son as he's not paying maintenance, then he's done nothing wrong at all.

Moving oceans to see his newborn baby?
Don't forget that at this point he believed he had a cheating ex, and didn't even 100% believe the baby was when his. Maybe spare a thought for what he was going through? Can you imagine your baby being born whilst you go through the conflict of not even knowing if it's yours?

Not OP's fault, it was unfortunate timing for her ex that she got back together with the ex-ex at 7 months pregnant. Honestly, if I were the ex is be thinking "who gets together with a 7-8 month pregnant woman if it's not their baby?" (Yes, it happens / but I know what I'd think)

It's a shit situation all round that they have both handled really well. But it has its limits, one of which is that no - OP doesn't get to be friends with him.

You both sound like good parents to your son.

Is there anyway you could have a coffee with him and talk through your concerns?

He might tell you that he is happy with the situation as it is (him being civil rather than nice), and I think you need to accept that if that's the case, but it might be worth a shot?

I'm sure it was a time of massive turmoil for him. But we can't say that it's cruel to have another man at the birth of his baby and that it's totally understandable that he wasn't very cooperative about coming to see the baby because it might not have been his. His feelings are understandable - just doesn't mean the OP did anything wrong, which I think we agree on anyway.

Another comment on the civil-only not friends and impact on the child...

I can't bear my cheating XH. You can't make me like him. I can't be friends with him. But I can be civil for handovers. So our child sees a positive interaction. But he turns my bloody stomach! (lots of back story! His GF comes in for a cuppa - it's him I can't bear)

If I tried to do joint birthdays etc, my child would be far more likely to pick up on an atmosphere. You can't fake friendship.

Actually yeah - totally different situation but the only time my parents have celebrated something together since their divorce was my brother's wedding and it was really really weird. I was so much more aware of the hidden animosity than I am when I interact with them individually. Civil and separate has something to be said for it.

Hi op, I think you've had a really hard time here and have taken it in the chin despite a lot of it being unfair.

The thing that first jumped out to me from your posts is that you seem guilty, maybe I'm wrong here but I think you are wanting to make things right to ease your guilt, that's not a criticism by the way it's just how it comes across.
You cannot change the past. Ds is here. He has two loving parents and a step dad.
What you can do is look to the future and remind yourself that you have been quite fair with ex.

You say he's from a nice family, has many good attributes etc but you knew he wasn't right for you and vice versa, it's bloody hard to walk away in your own and ok you got back with other ex and subsequently married him but you did not just stay with ds's dad because you were pregnant, I agree with that.

Here's my experience of co-parenting-

Was with ds's dad for 7 years in total. We were really young when we got together but bought a house, got engaged and tried for a baby, I went through a lot to get pregnant and ds was very much planned.

When he was born my exdp became very jealous of the baby getting the attention, missed his carefree life and became a nightmare.
We had a nice life on paper, I was thoroughly miserable and left with nothing apart from ds and our clothes when he was 2.
We had several years of arguments, nastiness, name calling etc and one day we actually talked and decided enough was enough.
We have since shared parties, school plays, holy communion, parents evening etc and life is so much better for us all, especially ds.

He's now 14, his dad is married and has a 2 year old. I have a partner and a 6 year old dd. We all get on, many people find it strange but we don't, after those years of hating each other we have both realised that we are both his parents and will have many future events to attend as mum and dad.

Your ex will possibly be hurt still and if anyone would have told me all those years ago that we would be friends I would have laughed my head off, but we are. I hope the same happens for you.

You sound like you have a similar set up to me, apart from my ex pays maintenance. He left me for someone else but continues to see the children regularly and attend apts with me.
We have a similar relationship in that we speak when around the kids but we are not friends. This after 12 years of marriage and 2 years before that as friends. What I mean is you didn't have the friendship before so why would you seek it now? We can't manage it and we had a long history together.
The main thing is he is being a good dad and putting his son's feelings before his own. Not everybody does.
I think things are similar to many people who split up - I won't talk to my ex's partner. She knew me and the boys and still went ahead in having an affair with my ex (his fault too obs).
Believe me, your family function a lot better than many people I know in that situation. Mediation etc is not needed but respect for his boundaries is.
Sorry not the most coherent post. In a nutshell, things are not too bad and you are best not forcing things which will probably create more issues.

You aren't alone OP
Me and DP both have kids with other people.

We both get on ok with our exes, me for kids sake in front of the men and in public although he is a giant knob. I really dislike him and avoid any other contact.

DP gets on with his ex because he's a nice person. I've met his ex and I was perfectly nice to her.

I'm noticing that we both don't like each other's exes when we speak about them and make a huge effort to keep each other apart from them. He's never met my ex. We obviously have told each other the worst sides of our stories (and things that continue to happen) so I have a bad impression of his ex and he has a bad impression of mine. When we first met we were careful not to do this but we have got really moany about them more recently.

It's not a jealousy issue, I think both of us don't like how the exes treated us - I dislike how she treated/treats him, i also think she is an idiot and has a lot of self inflicted drama. DP doesn't like my ex because he can be horrible to me/kids.

I know the answer is to stop complaining about them but the damage is done and although we are good at civility, we still don't bloody like them and probably never will.

I will never like my ex but I just try to do the parenting thing and hope for the best. I think that's all you can do

Christ, you grate on my nerves and I'm only reading your thread. You sound so smug and arrogant. I feel sorry for your ex. He doesn't like you; get over yourself. I'm sure your dc will be absolutely fine when he works out dad doesn't like mom... it's not exactly uncommon

I do wonder what those attacking the OP feel she should have done. Stayed with someone she didn't know that well and didn't think she would be happy with so he could live with his son fulltime? Really?

She's arranged all the contact time she possibly can. She's never gone after the child support she legally is entitled to because she recognises that in this situation, it's better for her son that his father has a home to take him to. She's involved him with schools and all medical appointments. She's offered all the additional contact he wants, when he wants it. She worked to ensure he built up the bond with his son when he was a baby.

I'm not blaming her ex, either. She clearly absolutely broke his heart, and he's stayed an involved and loving father. But the point at which he saw his newborn was HIS choice, not hers. The woman was in hospital and then at home having just given birth, and he wasn't willing to visit. She is not a walking incubator, and while I absolutely feel for how heartbroken he must have been, she'd just given birth. Ridiculous to scream that her ex should have been her priority.

OP this is a painful situation and I do appreciate your concerns. You're right; hostility between parents harms children. Have you thought of writing a letter setting out all your worries on how it may affect your son, while also taking full responsibility for having walked away in pregnancy, and what that meant to him? If you explain that you are worried about the impact on him emotionally as he grows up, and that you would like to at least try for friendly, as friends isn't his wish, then he may be willing to try. He loves his son, after all.

This sounds like a horrible mess in which you both tried your hardest to put your son first. Four years on, perhaps your ex's heart may have healed somewhat, and he will be able to try for a little less cold shoulder. But perhaps not. This may be the best he can do.

Oh, but OP it's not right to say you "let him see" his own child, any more than he "lets you" care for him. You're parents. You both care for your child.

Other than that, and the fact that a six week gap would devastate anyone, I don't see what people want the OP to do differently. She says there was no affair. That's all the info we have. If she's lying then that's pretty shitty, but again, spilled milk. I fail to see how attacking her is going to achieve anything.

Christ, you grate on my nerves and I'm only reading your thread. You sound so smug and arrogant. I feel sorry for your ex. He doesn't like you; get over yourself.

You post like that to a stranger asking for help and you have the nerve to critique HER likability? It's actually comical.

I'm sure your dc will be absolutely fine when he works out dad doesn't like mom... it's not exactly uncommon

It's also believed to underlie the massive, massive pile of data on why separated parents harm children so badly. It being uncommon doesn't correlate to the child being absolutely fine. In almost all measures, children whose parents have an acrimonious relationship do worse than those who don't. But that doesn't work with your position that Daddy is behaving perfectly and the OP is a cunt, does it?