Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will my ex and father of my first born ever forgive me or at least want to be friends?

250 replies

jodiemumtodavid · 24/06/2017 11:26

My first born child is now 4. Me and his father met off pof and were very careless and i fell pregnant. We were totally not right for each other so I called things off with him when i was 5 months pregnant. Please don't judge me but I got back with my childhood sweetheart whilst i was pregnant. Things as you can imagine were very tense for the rest of the pregnancy and when baby arrived. We let him see his son every other weekend and i always let him take him during the week when he wants to take time off work and asks for his boy. We have never asked for any maintenance money from him. We don't argue but he is so cold with me. I try and be nice to him when he picks up ds but he barely says a word to me. Me and my now husband also now have a daughter together so my hubby deffo does not tread too much on the daddy role to my boy. He refuses to be in the same room as my husband. I really feel sad that my boy is going to pick up soon that his dad hates his mum, and also things like birthday parties i just can't see him or his family ever wanting to do a joint celebration.

OP posts:
thestamp · 24/06/2017 15:34

OP I think the reason some are being harsh here, is that they sense that you're expecting your ex to change his behaviour in order for you to feel more comfortable. Which isn't really on, tbh.

I know you're saying you're concerned due to your son, but you've also said yourself that everything is civil on front of him, and you suspect ex hasn't bad mouthed you to DS.

So actually, the concerns re DS are a red herring.

I mean this really gently, I do think that this is really about you feeling a lot of guilt and you're looking to ex to take care of that for you, by being nice to you. Whereas in fact the answer is for you to forgive yourself and not expect ex to change his behaviour. You need to make peace with the past and allow the present to exist just as it is.

I'd not do a letter, coffee, counselling... Ex is not being abnormal. He's just maintaining distance. Let him do that. And focus on processing and letting go of your own feelings of guilt, sadness and disappointment.

Lelloteddy · 24/06/2017 15:35

' I fail to see how attacking her is going to achieve anything'

It gives a few anonymous keyboard warriors the opportunity to be absolutely vile, to throw insults around and to belittle the OP. The very ethos of MN eh?

thestamp · 24/06/2017 15:38

Also bear something in mind... If you model for DS that your self esteem and inner calm exist whether your ex likes you or not... You are teaching DS that even when things are awkward/difficult/someone important is off with you, that doesn't mean the end of the world and it doesn't mean there needs to be a dramatic intervention. You're teaching that self worth comes from within and isn't dependent on the feelings of others.

That's a huge positive lesson tbh.

sleeponeday · 24/06/2017 15:40

It's always astonished me, the way people can be simultaneously horrifically spiteful and cruel, and pearl-hoickingly self-righteous. How do they not grasp the contradiction?

thetstamp has a fair point, though. If this is the best her ex can do/wants to do, then as long as he is also fair to their child by not involving him in any drama, and is polite and non-hostile, then he's doing okay. I suppose it depends on your definition - the silent treatment through simmering hostility, or just not very chatty. They're fairly different atmospheres.

sleeponeday · 24/06/2017 15:43

thestamp that's not an appropriate lesson to learn from your parents' relationship to one another. That relationship being at the least cordial is essential to a child's having positive self image - it doesn't matter how well one side manages it, if there's intense dislike on either side, that's harmful.

The question is, is it cordial but not chatty, which feels unbearable to the OP because she feels ongoing guilt, or is it that loaded silence that feels like a thunderstorm about to break you get when someone feels real hatred, but never voices it. One isn't going to be harmful, whereas the OP being upset may. The other... is just bad news.

thestamp · 24/06/2017 15:46

Is it the best place to.learn the lesson? No. Is it the best the op can focus on, to teach calm, acceptance and boundaries in a less than ideal situation? Probably.

It's not an ideal world and the op can't change her ex. Best focus on the positives that can be found.

AskBasil · 24/06/2017 16:03

Meh. 4 years on and he can't put his child first by making an attempt to be friendly with his ex?

You dodged a bullet there OP.

sleeponeday · 24/06/2017 16:08

Honestly, I'm a bit more optimistic than that. It's been 4 years, and if things really are that hostile then maybe asking if they can meet somewhere neutral for a coffee or something, or a letter explaining her concerns, could help.

We all get into set patterns of seeing a situation sometimes, and his mindset may still be fixed where it was in the horrendous days and months around the split - maybe he's moved on himself now and simply hasn't re-examined how things are. When they split up the baby was a theory - now, he's a person they love. The OP knows best, but at least a shot at improving things might be good? I'd be amazed if they were ever friends - she says herself that they never had much in common, even when things were new. If that's all that's lacking, then I agree she needs to let that go and accept civil. But if it's actively hostile then an attempt to build bridges for their son's sake has to be worth a try?

Ellisandra · 24/06/2017 16:14

Who says he's hostile though?
All OP says is that he's cold. Which given that she wants to be friends, could simply mean if she says "how are you?" she gets shut down with a "fine" without eye contact, instead of a "good thanks - put the kettle on and tell me how you are?"

I can't see what this man has done wrong.

LesisMiserable · 24/06/2017 16:20

Its probably the opposite of this guys ideal situation but in.the face of it he's acting great to be fair. They were casual dating and now he's stuck with a woman he made no commitment to, in his life forever. Its both their faults if they didn't use contraception but there you are. He doesn't have to like you OP, it just has to love his child, which he clearly does.

thereallochnessmonster · 24/06/2017 16:28

Christ, you grate on my nerves and I'm only reading your thread. You sound so smug and arrogant. I feel sorry for your ex. He doesn't like you; get over yourself. I'm sure your dc will be absolutely fine when he works out dad doesn't like mom... it's not exactly uncommon

How rude and ironic Dailydance Shock

BastardGoDarkly · 24/06/2017 17:56

I agree Monster there's some right dicks on this thread.

Goingtobeawesome · 24/06/2017 18:22

Maybe the father would have liked to have seen his baby born..

It's all about men when the mother wants maintenance but it's all about her when it's about whether to have the baby or not, who's at the birth, access.

justabout2016 · 24/06/2017 18:24

As for him meeting the baby before his actual father, that's just indescriblu awful

Really?! I can think of some recent events in the news that are indescribably awful - that's not one of them!

OP - fine to split up

Fine for him not to want to be friends

You have a misplaced sense of guilt. You seem to agree on your child - you're doing better than many

Be happy with the way things are and live your life.

sleeponeday · 24/06/2017 18:38

Who says he's hostile though?

OP repeatedly says she's scared that her son will grow up knowing that his father hates his mother. Hate is a pretty hostile emotion, no? And she knows what's happening, not us.

stitchglitched · 24/06/2017 18:42

Goingtobeawesome- Yes the decision about whether to have the baby and who will be at the birth is of course all about the mother, as it is her body. Is that really a hard concept to grasp?

Maintenance and access are all about the needs of the child.

RoseTico · 24/06/2017 18:43

Maybe the father would have liked to have seen his baby born.

"when baby was born my ex was convinced he wasn't baby's father" It doesn't sound like he was all that interested in being at the birth? He also delayed seeing his baby because the OPs partner was around and used his first meeting with his child to fill in a paternity test. His priorities at the time look pretty clear to me. Perhaps being barely civil to the OP in the birthing suite with her partner banished might have been nice for him. But it wouldn't have been nice for the person who was labouring for hours to bring their child into the world, so thankfully it didn't happen.

CheeseBubbles · 24/06/2017 18:44

People keep pulling the op up for saying let but actually she doesn't have to give him custody on her days. It is kind of her. She probably could have avoided him permanently instead of making the effort when he wouldn't even come to her home to see the baby.

CheeseBubbles · 24/06/2017 18:45

Maybe the father would have liked to have seen his baby born..

Have you got an exes? Would you feel comfortable with them in the room while you gave birth?

Keeping in mind he wouldn't be in the same room as her partner that might have been a difficult situation

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 24/06/2017 19:33

It's not hard to see why he doesn't like you, being polite in public shows he cares about his child and the professionals that are in his life.

If circumstances were reversed, I very much doubt you would have been happy he was playing happy families whilst you had yet to even meet your child. It's all about you.

Lelloteddy · 24/06/2017 19:40

So Rainbow it's ok that he's not polite to the OP in front of his child? As long as he's polite in front of 'professionals' ?

Ellisandra · 24/06/2017 19:46

If I doubted paternity, damn right I'd make that my first priority Hmm

He thought she'd had an affair with her ex. It's wrong, but it's a fair assumption. He got dumped and 6 weeks later his ex is back with her ex, now heavily pregnant. I said it upthread - post that situation in on MN and loads of people would say she could be lying that there was no crossover.

It would have been awful if he'd started to bond with the baby then found it wasn't his.

And OP didn't say he was impolite to her - just cold.

Saiman · 24/06/2017 19:47

Who said he isnt polite?

Or hostile.

The op is worried her son will judge her because of whats happenes when she was pg. She asks, how she should handle telling him.

She doesnt say its directly because he i simpky civil.

Plenty of people are just civil with their ex and their kids dont hate either parent.

Lelloteddy · 24/06/2017 19:53

THe OPs first post, before she got the absolute shit ripped out of her, CLEARLY states that her Ex is cold and doesn't speak to her in front of the child. And that she is concerned that it won't be long before the child realises that his dad hates his mum. And yet people are STILL justifying this after FOUR years.

dailydance · 24/06/2017 22:00

The wording of the OP grated on my nerves lochness. I stand by what I say... lots of children grow up were parents don't like each other. The op and her ex are civil. Ex does not like the op and yes, the dc will pick up on that; but it's how it's handled when the dc picks up on it that matters. If it's handled well then it won't have an impact. I'm sure dc will have friends whose parents are divorced, are not civil etc so imo being civil is pretty good going. So yes, get over yourself op... it's not about how your ex feels about you, it's about how the relationship with your ex is explained to your dc.