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Original poster

Affair - lover has died

162 replies

Question4Yall · 21/06/2017 22:57

NB: This is for a friend - genuinely. The friend is not a 'friend' aka Me, promise. Name changed because I am a prolific regular and don't want any chance of my friend being outed.

She has been seeing a married man for 7 years. He pretty much led a double life. With my friend during the week (works away from home) and at home with wife and 2 kids at weekends. Wife has no idea.

He died at the weekend. Stroke. He was 49 years old and it was completely out of the blue. My friend found out through one of her lover's friends. She is obviously devastated.

I know the situation is horribly fucked up and I have had my opinions about their deceitful situation over the years, believe me. But the question now is - should my friend stay away from his funeral? She is thinking that she must and I am inclined to agree. But what should she do? Would it be horrendous for her to visit his grave, for example?

She is in absolute bits and I feel quite desperate for her. She has behaved atrociously, as did he. But now he is dead and she has no 'rights' to grieve him. I have no clue what to say to her.

What would you advise?

Just to be clear, she has no intention of telling the wife, kids etc or making any sort of scene.

OP posts:
bunnyluv · 21/06/2017 23:00

She must stay well away mourn in silence and make sure the poor wife never finds out.

ImperialBlether · 21/06/2017 23:02

I've always wondered about this sort of thing, when an affair's gone on for a long time. After seven years it doesn't sound as though he was going to leave, does it? At the same time, she was spending more time with him than his wife was.

I think his wife is organising the funeral for herself and their family and friends. Your friend shouldn't go to it.

It wouldn't surprise me if his wife finds out now, anyway. Was he living with your friend during the week? There will be something amongst his possessions that will give it away.

By the way this is very identifying. You might want to get it shut down soon.

user1486956786 · 21/06/2017 23:02

Keep away, mourn with her friends only.

I do feel for her having to mourn silently but it's the situation

PokerRoomRules · 21/06/2017 23:03

I think she should stay away from the funeral unless there is absolutely zero chance of her breaking down and giving herself away.

That said I do understand you feeling the compassion you clearly do for her. Not condoning the affair but as a human being, and a friend, you'd have to be pretty heartless not to.

user1486956786 · 21/06/2017 23:04

And I agree . I'd shut this down. Very identifying, the wife doesn't need to know

HildaOg · 21/06/2017 23:04

She needs to stay away and keep it private. The family don't need to know what a dick he was.

AdoraBell · 21/06/2017 23:06

Agree, stay away, grieve privately it with friends, and get this deleted.

Original poster
Question4Yall · 21/06/2017 23:06

Details slightly changed to keep it vague. Wife doesn't speak English and zero chance she is on MN, so don't think this is identifying.

Thanks for all your replies x

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/06/2017 23:08

She should stay away and grieve on her own or with whoever sympathises with her.

This is something I say to the OW quite a lot, but they never think it will happen.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 21/06/2017 23:08

My married colleague went to his lover's funeral with his wife.

HildaOg · 21/06/2017 23:09

Did his wife know she was his lover TheSnork?

Pigwitch · 21/06/2017 23:10

Grieve quietly and stay away from the funeral

AtSea1979 · 21/06/2017 23:10

How on earth could you possibly know if she's on MN? Do you know her?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 21/06/2017 23:10

Your mention of the wife not speaking English has made it more identifying.
I suggest friend does not go to funeral and you ask to have this thread deleted

MackerelOfFact · 21/06/2017 23:11

I agree this ought to be deleted, it's a very identifying situation and would be utterly devastating if the affair was ever alluded to by someone who knows the wife or family.

Perhaps repost without the details of the age/circumstances of death/family setup.

Categoric · 21/06/2017 23:11

The father of a good friend died just after her A levels and the family discovered that he had had another family for during the week. It is was the week after her parents 25th wedding anniversary.

My friend's family appeared to be the perfect family, all high achievers, sporty, attractive, happy, church going etc etc.

The mother had a nervous breakdown and to this day has not recovered from the shock. The daughter finds it really hard to trust anyone and has been divorced twice. The boys went completely off the rails for a while.

Tell your friend to stay away.

Original poster
Question4Yall · 21/06/2017 23:11

OK let the thread be deleted.

But she definitely isnt on MN. I don't know her, but I know the culture she is from and lifestyle she leads.

Thanks for all replies anyway. Confirms what she and I thought. Thanks x

OP posts:
Categoric · 21/06/2017 23:11

Sorry 'It was'

NotYoda · 21/06/2017 23:13

She should stay away. She can make her own private memorial for him as she wishes. I think her grief is likely to be highly complicated and it might be an idea for her to seek professional help with that

Loopytiles · 21/06/2017 23:13

Of course she shouldn't go to the funeral, or anywhere near his grave at this stage.

There is a high chance his wife will find out, eg after a death people often go through phones, computers and things (for contacts, admin info and so on).

user1487941567 · 21/06/2017 23:15

I am just thinking that whilst it is really really sad that he died so young, imagine if he had had the stroke on a day allocated to the OW and the wife had had to deal with that as well as the death of her husband Sad

user1487941567 · 21/06/2017 23:16

She needs to stay away from the funeral btw. The children don't need this on top of losing their father.

Ojoj1974 · 21/06/2017 23:16

What an awful predicament to be in. Such a mess. A lover unable to morn and a wife grieving for a unfaithful husband.

Strangely part of me thinks the wife should know about the lover. It's a ghastly situation but sometimes the truth is better out than hidden .

Bloomed · 21/06/2017 23:19

People who know her may well be on here OP.

Nowaynowjose · 21/06/2017 23:20

The only reason she would be going would be for herself. She has been thinking of herself uppermost throughout the seven years, and if she now intrudes on the bereaved family and blows it apart it would only be for further selfish reasons. Can't believe anyone with decent morals and values would even consider intruding on the funeral. But I suppose she did carry on with him for seven years, so her morals are rather low anyhow.

Do your best to dissuade her not to go and possibly cause even more pain to an already devastated family.