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Original poster

Affair - lover has died

162 replies

Question4Yall · 21/06/2017 22:57

NB: This is for a friend - genuinely. The friend is not a 'friend' aka Me, promise. Name changed because I am a prolific regular and don't want any chance of my friend being outed.

She has been seeing a married man for 7 years. He pretty much led a double life. With my friend during the week (works away from home) and at home with wife and 2 kids at weekends. Wife has no idea.

He died at the weekend. Stroke. He was 49 years old and it was completely out of the blue. My friend found out through one of her lover's friends. She is obviously devastated.

I know the situation is horribly fucked up and I have had my opinions about their deceitful situation over the years, believe me. But the question now is - should my friend stay away from his funeral? She is thinking that she must and I am inclined to agree. But what should she do? Would it be horrendous for her to visit his grave, for example?

She is in absolute bits and I feel quite desperate for her. She has behaved atrociously, as did he. But now he is dead and she has no 'rights' to grieve him. I have no clue what to say to her.

What would you advise?

Just to be clear, she has no intention of telling the wife, kids etc or making any sort of scene.

OP posts:
overmyovaries · 21/06/2017 23:25

I really don't think the rife needs to know. And I say that as an unwitting ex- affair-ee ( I had no idea he remained married: genuinely). And I could easily have been in this position as 'my' man had a risky congenital heart defect.

It is very hard for your friend but she really cannot go. Grief is private anyway, she can still grieve but it'll be very hard as her relationship was not public and she will therefore have few people to support her.

bunnyluv · 21/06/2017 23:25

On the other hand maybe the wife should know so she can move on quicker and not mourn over his unfaithful s$$

overmyovaries · 21/06/2017 23:26

Wife not rife ...

GrannyD57 · 21/06/2017 23:26

Please ask her to stay away from the funeral for the sake of his children. I had to make contact with the OW when my brother died and got her to see that sharing her grief with a child blissfully aware of her until then was not a good idea. Fair play to her, she stayed away.

Brexitsmexit · 21/06/2017 23:27

I have been the wife in this situation, she must stay away!
She had her life and relationship with him in private, she does her mourning in private! End off!

GrannyD57 · 21/06/2017 23:27

Unaware, not aware, obviously!

overmyovaries · 21/06/2017 23:28

Just because you posthumously find out someone was an unfaithful shit does not mean you will not grieve or will grieve less It means double grief: for the person you knew and the person you thought you knew

Like grieving twice.

WarriorsDance · 21/06/2017 23:28

Of course she has to stay away from the funeral, how on earth would she think it's acceptable to go along?

Sorry she's grieving and can't be part of his final farewell but that's what happens when you mess around with someone else's husband.

Tell her to go along after the funeral is over and lay her flowers but keep away from his actual family in their time of grief.

Janeismymiddlename · 21/06/2017 23:28

Stay the fuck away. You have no idea of the damage this could cause. What horrible human beings.

Brexitsmexit · 21/06/2017 23:30

I bet she won't though! Anyone who has a relationship with a married mad for all that time,accepting the crumbs which come her way, she will be absolutely desperate to tell her story & claim this man as hers!
I'd put money on it!

tararabumdeay · 21/06/2017 23:34

No way go to the funeral.

My DH had a stroke when I was with him. Imagine if it was a lover and so much to explain. So many lives destroyed.

Peanutbutterrules · 21/06/2017 23:34

Lord...stay away. No other behaviour should be given the breath of air.

NuffSaidSam · 21/06/2017 23:38

She should definitely stay away.

Once everything has died down and if she has no chance of bumping into his wife she could visit the grave. But obviously can't leave anything! Tbh though, what's the point of risking it? She can mourn him in secret at home in honour of their relationship.

dementiawidow · 21/06/2017 23:39

I discovered my husband's lover through the discovery of some letters when he was dying of early onset dementia. I tracked her down, met her, and in due course invited her to say her goodbyes in his last days. She came to the funeral. I think I did a good thing. It was hard but I could also feel for her. Life, love, and death are complicated things. I haven't followed her up since, but I hope she is ok, as I am also doing ok.

blueandgreenand · 21/06/2017 23:39

She should do what is best for her emotionally. Her own priority is herself and her own emotional wellbeing.

If she needs to go to "say goodbye" then she should go. She can do that without interacting with people and creating a scene.

On the other hand she should realise that she may find being there devastating - she won't be acknowledged by anyone and the focus of the ceremony will be his wife and his children - not her. So this may make her grief worse.

She should be selfish in her own choice about what will make her feel better - and do what is best for her. She can easily do that without hurting or interfering with anyone else. Another person at a funeral is no big deal - she won't need to speak to the wife.

My advice would be slip in at the back at the last minute and near an easy exit and see how it goes. I guess that once it's in to all the "he was a great husband//father" stuff it will be unbearable and she'll want to leave sharpish.

It must be a brutal situation to have loved someone and to know your place in their life is unacknowledged and without value. Hearing that in the formal setting of a funeral with all his friends and family who you never met or were introduced to on top of grief will be devastating. Still better that that after the event wishing she had gone.

rightwhine · 21/06/2017 23:40

There could be clues all over the place. She'll probably find out anyway but your friend should try to do damage limitation by staying away.

AliMonkey · 21/06/2017 23:41

When my dad died (after separating from mum), we discovered he had a long term partner we knew nothing about (hadn't told us as didn't want to hurt DM or make us feel we had to keep a secret- or so she told us) and that he had had an affair with someone else while still with DM. The affair and the lies completely coloured my view of my dad and still does and I wish we hadn't found out. But agree with PP that family will almost certainly find out somehow whether she goes to funeral or not.
Dad's partner did attend funeral but stayed at back and didn't come to wake - was a compromise between thinking of her feelings and being concerned for DM, who was grieving both his death and her realisation that he wasn't the man she thought he was. His previous lover was overseas so not an issue but she did email to say sorry to hear of his death and I had to really hold myself back from having a go at her.

jeaux90 · 21/06/2017 23:42

I'm with blueandgreen. She should go if she can hold it together and be subtle.

WarriorsDance · 21/06/2017 23:45

She should do what is best for her emotionally. Her own priority is herself and her own emotional wellbeing

I don't think she needs anyone to tell her that, she's been prioritising herself over his wife and children for 7 years Hmm

@dementiawidow You're a better man (woman) than I Gunga Din.

user1487941567 · 21/06/2017 23:46

I don't agree that she should act selfishly. She has acted selfishly for 7 years. She should give the family the space they need to grieve without imposing herself on them to make herself feel better. Even if she stands quietly at the back someone will ask who she is. Esp as she seems to know his friends enough to hear of this through one of them. That friend will then also be in the shit.

SandyDenny · 21/06/2017 23:50

Does she know him other than as a lover? If they worked together for example it would look odder if she didn't go to the funeral. Does she live near to his family home, near enough to visit the grave without anyone knowing at a later date?

Bosabosa · 21/06/2017 23:52

As others have said, grieve privately, I feel for her.

However, Is this really identifying?? Details have been changed so assuming age of lover, no. Of kids and cause of death are not actual , how many married men died suddenly at the weekend? 100s surely ?? Foreign wife a bit identifying I admit, but up until then??
(If age, number of kids and cause of death have not been changed, get this deleted!!)

MrsLupo · 21/06/2017 23:55

No to the funeral, I think. The grave might be a different matter in due course, depending on how well frequented it might be by his family. But, ya know, he isn't there. If he led that much of a double life with her there must be other places she could go to be reminded of him and feel close to him. Or failing that, generic places of worship or peaceful locations where she could sit with her thoughts and allow some healing to take place.

I can't be doing with all the 'low morals' judginess. Life isn't black and white. And loss is loss. You're a good friend, OP. Flowers

blueandgreenand · 21/06/2017 23:58

I don't think she needs anyone to tell her that, she's been prioritising herself over his wife and children for 7 years

If anyone has been doing that, it is the deceased husband. He's the one that made the vow of loyalty to his wife.

He's put her in this situation; she's on her own and she needs to look after herself.

PokerRoomRules · 21/06/2017 23:59

dementiawidow
You are an amazing person. Respect to you

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