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Original poster

Affair - lover has died

162 replies

Question4Yall · 21/06/2017 22:57

NB: This is for a friend - genuinely. The friend is not a 'friend' aka Me, promise. Name changed because I am a prolific regular and don't want any chance of my friend being outed.

She has been seeing a married man for 7 years. He pretty much led a double life. With my friend during the week (works away from home) and at home with wife and 2 kids at weekends. Wife has no idea.

He died at the weekend. Stroke. He was 49 years old and it was completely out of the blue. My friend found out through one of her lover's friends. She is obviously devastated.

I know the situation is horribly fucked up and I have had my opinions about their deceitful situation over the years, believe me. But the question now is - should my friend stay away from his funeral? She is thinking that she must and I am inclined to agree. But what should she do? Would it be horrendous for her to visit his grave, for example?

She is in absolute bits and I feel quite desperate for her. She has behaved atrociously, as did he. But now he is dead and she has no 'rights' to grieve him. I have no clue what to say to her.

What would you advise?

Just to be clear, she has no intention of telling the wife, kids etc or making any sort of scene.

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 22/06/2017 01:45

How sick would she be to turn up at the funeral.

Absolutely fucking disgusting.

Nowaynowjose · 22/06/2017 02:05

I think he stayed partly because of cultural/religious expectation, and partly because to leave his wife would have brought shame on her.
Maybe your best argument then, would be to remind her that her lover didn't want to bring shame to his wife, so she should respect his wishes.
still a shitty excuse for cheating though

Original poster
Question4Yall · 22/06/2017 02:18

Update; I have just spoken to her on the phone. She isnt going to the funeral. She has no interest in alerting his wife/family to their relationship.

She liked the idea of having her own memorial to him privately in her own faith, without involving anyone else.

Thanks. Stressful for her, and for me as a friend. What on earth do you say? I have no interest in morality and judgement on this occasion...

OP posts:
Neome · 22/06/2017 02:18

Could your friend spend a bit of time with you and any other appropriate friend planning her own way to recognise and mourn her loss?

For example arrange to plant a memorial tree in a woodland burial site or sponsor a bench somewhere she could visit with a suitable non identifying phrase ie 'in memory of happy times'.

Start planning for/training for a fundraising activity for the Stroke Association or whatever the most appropriate charity might be.

See the best counsellor she can find.

Tell herself that she is giving him the gift of continuing to protect the family he wanted to shield from the pain of his betrayal.

You sound very caring and compassionate OP.

Italiangreyhound · 22/06/2017 02:22

Advise your friend to get some grief counselling and mourn privately.

It's a very sad situation and if it comes out now it will be a double devastation for his widow.

In her shoes I would visit the places they went while he was alive. A graveside has (IMHO) nothing much to offer, you can mourn the dead where ever you are.

The wife does not need to know.

Your friend needs to make wiser choices in future.

Neome · 22/06/2017 02:25

Ah, cross post I see.

In these uncertain and upsetting times we are all living through it seems good to me to be aiming for kindness and tolerance perhaps most especially in situations of human fallibility.

Perhaps buy yourself some flowers OP Flowers

MidniteScribbler · 22/06/2017 02:43

If she even considers going to the funeral then she's pretty damn self absorbed and really quite thick.

Even with your update, if the man thought that it would bring shame on his wife to leave her, how the fuck does she think it would be for the man's bit on the side to show up at the funeral? She may have no respect for herself by letting this go on, but if she has any respect for him, then she needs to have a bit of class and stay away.

Qwebec · 22/06/2017 03:23

dementiawidow I'm deeply moved by what you did, so much compassion. thank you for sharing.

OP, your friend is in grief. Even if her relationship was, to say the least, less than ideal, it is over now. She lost a man she loved and shared her life with for many years. As you said now is not the time to question her decisions. If you can, support her in the same way you would anybody else. If she has access to counseling, it can be very helpful, seeing clearly thourgh complicated relationships is not easy and a professional coul help her deal with her grief and come to terms with herrelationship.

sofato5miles · 22/06/2017 03:27

Question4yall. Life can be so very complicated. I have seen many, many affairs but I only know of one that lasted that long but was very intermittant. To lead the life they were leading she must have loved him.

From what I have seen of grief the trauma and shock at the beginning can last a few years. Her pain is unlikely to ease for a while. Just be there for her. Her idea of a private memorial is a good one. And perhaps she should be prepared for a phone call from his distraught family.

MrsPeelyWaly · 22/06/2017 03:36

My husband led a double life. It was the script of a Hollywood movie. Thankfully I found what was going on and i dealt with it. One of the first things I said was what if you had died whilst living this double like? Honestly the thought of it now, even though we separated 4 years ago, still makes me feel ill when I think about it. Tell your friend to stay away.

NotYoda · 22/06/2017 05:36

blueandgree

I cannot disagree more

This funeral, full of his family and his friends, all of whom she's a secret from, would not be hers to take part in. How could that make her feel better? I think it could make her feel more isolated

And just 'slipping in the back' and hoping not to be seen is a continuation of the secrecy in which their relationship was conducted. All very exciting and that, but I think someone at that funeral might notice and wonder.

NotYoda · 22/06/2017 05:39

OP

Glad she's made that decision, and you are there to support her

lizzieoak · 22/06/2017 05:43

No opinion on whether or not she should go but if she had decided to go it's not like she'd turn up in a red dress with a giant scarlet A on it.

I've been to loads of funerals, including my parents and siblings. I didn't know about half the people but it did not cross my mind they were there because they'd been shagging the deceased. We know people from lots of over-lapping circles - surely she could (in theory) have just said she knew him from ages ago and wanted to pay her respects. In the unlikely event anyone asked!

Saiman · 22/06/2017 05:53

My great grandma lost her husband when she was 29. A random woman turnes up at the funeral, nana didnt think any thing of it. There were a few people that she didnt know.

A few weeks later nana went ro her husbands grave and the woman was there, crying. Thats when nana found out her husband had been having an affair.

It devestates her. Even when she was i her 90s she didnt get over it.

Going to the funeral/grave is a shitty thing to do.

sofato5miles · 22/06/2017 06:10

I just don't get that. How could you not be over an affair 60s later. What a waste of a life.

I have been cheated, several times by the same guy, and I still look back on that relationship with affection. It was twenty years ago. If my DH is cheating on me then I would be upset and fight to protect what is mine but he absolutely does not define me.

roundaboutthetown · 22/06/2017 06:17

Your friend chose to lead a secretive life, so no good reason whatsoever for her to publicise her grief, now, by attending his funeral or visiting his grave. I would be surprised, though, if he hadn't left behind clues of his double life. It's extremely stressful living a lie that massive and the clues are always there if you are looking out for them, or going through someone's affairs after death.

Saiman · 22/06/2017 06:18

Thats you though.

This was in the (roughly) 1930s. Its too early to work it out exactly Grin . Marriage did define a lot of women.

It may be something you can move on from. But it wasnt something nana could.

Saiman · 22/06/2017 06:19

Sorry meant to say marriage did define a lot of women, therefore finding this out also defined her. She was a wonderful woman. But didnt move past the betrayal.

Saiman · 22/06/2017 06:21

Working it out it eas more likely mid to late 1920s

beepbeepimasheep · 22/06/2017 06:40

There is no way on this earth that it would be reasonable for her to go to the funeral.

SoupDragon · 22/06/2017 06:45

She should do what is best for her emotionally. Her own priority is herself and her own emotional wellbeing.

Bollocks to that. Although she clearly has form for doing only what is right for her with no thought for anyone else.

lizzieoak · 22/06/2017 06:49

Again - how does anyone at the funeral know she was the mistress? People are generally either grief stricken or trying to be terribly polite at funerals. I've never been to one where people are speculating as to which attendees were having it off with the dearly departed.

Seriously confused here. I don't think I'm entirely missing the point - it seems like a bit of a non-problem as How Would Anyone Know?

octonaught · 22/06/2017 06:52

I think he stayed partly because of cultural/religious expectation, and partly because to leave his wife would have brought shame on her. He did not want to put her in that situation, as he did care about her.

Well the husband would obviously not want the mistress rocking up at the funeral and if the OPs friend is of a different culture there is every chance that she will stick out like a sore thumb.

I really don't like the "arranged marriage" card. The deceased obviously had respect for his wife, if he didn't have his bit on the side, perhaps he would have made more of an effort in his marriage.

100% sympathy with the wife and children.

paradoxicalInterruption · 22/06/2017 07:02

This happened with someone I know years ago. the unexpected death highlighted all sorts of wrong things he'd told his wife to cover up the very long term affair. Ow didn't go to funeral or anything but it all came out in the eweeks after as his estate was settled.

Horrific for everyone.

ExConstance · 22/06/2017 07:08

A frien of mine, married man, had a 5 year relationship with a married woman. Both marriages were unhappy but neither could bring themselves to leave. ( 60 plus, no dependants) she developed a particularly unpleasant cancer and died. Her daughter was always aware of the relationship and felt her father should know in case he found out anyway. Husband and my friend met up and had a heart to heart, her husband acknowledged he had not been an easy person to live with and invited my friend to the funeral, he didn't go as he felt his presence would be a distraction. He does visit her grave on her birthday. I don't begin to understand how he coped with this bereavement without support. Real life is often complicated.

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