Affair - lover has died

[Question4Yall]

NB: This is for a friend - genuinely. The friend is not a 'friend' aka Me, promise. Name changed because I am a prolific regular and don't want any chance of my friend being outed.

She has been seeing a married man for 7 years. He pretty much led a double life. With my friend during the week (works away from home) and at home with wife and 2 kids at weekends. Wife has no idea.

He died at the weekend. Stroke. He was 49 years old and it was completely out of the blue. My friend found out through one of her lover's friends. She is obviously devastated.

I know the situation is horribly fucked up and I have had my opinions about their deceitful situation over the years, believe me. But the question now is - should my friend stay away from his funeral? She is thinking that she must and I am inclined to agree. But what should she do? Would it be horrendous for her to visit his grave, for example?

She is in absolute bits and I feel quite desperate for her. She has behaved atrociously, as did he. But now he is dead and she has no 'rights' to grieve him. I have no clue what to say to her.

What would you advise?

Just to be clear, she has no intention of telling the wife, kids etc or making any sort of scene.

My exh cheated on me - basically because he met someone with whom he was more compatible. I was angry at the time, but with hindsight we had a terrible marriage so no loss.

I've seen serial cheaters who for sure felt entitled. I've known a couple who had drunken one-time only fumbles. I had one woman in a long-term affair where they were in love but he wouldn't leave (who knows why, she said because he was a coward), and I know three couples who had an affair and left their partners and married the affair partner and over a decade and more later are still with their second partner (it was the talk of the kids' school when those ones happened).

People are not black and white and their behaviour varies. Sometimes it's about sex, sometimes about love, sometimes about thrills.

The op says her friend was the mistress for 7 years - probably lots of mundane moments in that time.

ETA - should read "I knew one woman" - half asleep and talking to the cat, wrote part of what I said to him!

I've been on both sides of this albeit I wasn't married myself at the time. Affairs are not an amalgam of x+y=z, they just aren't. People can kid themselves all they want to and, if it makes them feel better then great.

It's not a quick and easy business to leave a marriage but people do - in spite of the hurt and upset they still choose to do that. Others have the decision made for them - and some stay, they don't get caught and they carry on. Affairs are purely selfish and I don't think anybody would dispute that.

This thread is about a long-term affair and how OP should be helping her friend to come to terms with the loss of her partner. Unlike the family, she will have to keep her grief private and that is going to be a very hard thing to do.

burdog, OP has already said that her friend has decided not to attend the funeral.

lizzieoak, me too. My ex and his wife are much more suited than we were. It did hurt at the time, cheating is a lousy thing to do, but I'm happy now and I'm glad that he is too because he was a decent person.

I agree with lying it's naive to suggest that all affairs are purely about sex and thrill. Of course some will be, the one night stands, the regular affairs with different partners etc, but a seven year double life or one where there are e.g. Two families and children etc involved are going to be about much much more than that, however much people try to tel themselves differently.

Given that more people cheat on their partners than don't perhaps it's time to start looking at why this happens in more of an objective sense than just "he was scum, she was scum, the end," sort of way. That's not to say that cheating isn't wrong - I don't think that anyone would dispute that it is, but we also live in a society which doesn't support anyone's right to leave an unhappy relationship just because it's an unhappy relationship.

I was thinking about the distance thing earlier, and in my experience in most relationships where one or other partner works away long-term there is infidelity on one or other side. I worked with two women whose partners worked away from home. The one left her for the OW, and her assessment was "well, everyone knew that all the men were having affairs (they were working on the oil rigs) but most of them just kept the affairs to work and rarely left their wives for them." The other woman's h worked in the city, rented himself an expensive flat and within months had moved in the OW. My eXH worked with someone who was working away from his fammily and he had a long-term affair with someone at work until his partner found out... my dad worked on a short term contract in Saudi and in that instance it was the women left at home who cheated, and at least two whose husbands worked away long-term eventually left them for other men. Similarly I know of several people who have joined forces e.g. Army, navy, police, and in the beginning of their training have been told that "multiple of you will have affairs during this time." Perhaps it's a reality that infidelity is an occupational hazzard of couples whose jobs take them away from each other? Would those same people cheat if they didn't work away from home or if their partners didn't work away?

I'm sorry for your friends loss x

Really tough situation and I do feel for your friend. (Though like most others feel she's right to stay away from the funeral).

I wish the truth would out more often. I'm going against the grain here (and certainly don't suggest your friend does anything) I think a wife deserves to know who her husband was rather than live the rest of her life still in an illusion created by his deceit. For one, you might well get over their death and move on quicker.

Cinnamon - I think I would agree with you if it came out while the husband was still alive - but after he's died, it would be very hard to deal with, because one thing that you want to do after being cheated on is ask "Why?" Even if you never get a straight answer, at least you get to ask. Can't do that if he's dead. :(

Can I just add. If the wife ever does get wind of it, tell your friend to tell the truth if confronted. You know what's worse than finding out something like that? Having the coward of the OW refusing to tell details or confirm anything. Then you live forever with questions and no answers. I speak from bitter experience with this.

OP's friend isn't attending the funeral. Even if she were, it's not her responsibility to tell the wife anything at all, that was the husband's job. OP's friend should not be compelled to disclose details of her relationship, it is private - just as the details of the marriage are and should be private.

I completely disagree with telling at this point because no good can come of telling the wife anything because OP's friend would not be able to answer the question as thumbwitchesabroad identifies - which is 'Why?'. That is a question for the husband who sadly cannot answer it now. Best left well alone.

I know someone who had an affair and a child with another woman, but stayed with his wife (except when "working in London") and did not tell her until his children by the first marriage were grown up and had left home. He then left his first wife and married the mistress and has lived happily with her ever since - they are clearly better suited to each other in character. All I can say about it is that he was clearly a very unhappy, stressed man for years (everyone could see why, in retrospect), and he did a colossal amount of damage to his first family when they found out about the years of lies, and no doubt did a huge amount of harm to his child by the second wife by keeping her a secret. I am quite sure it was also awful for the second wife, but at least she and he chose to end up in the situation they did. It took about 20 years for the violent feelings it caused to start settling down and relationships begin to be re-established.

I also have a friend whose father had another, secret family. She had even played with her half sisters without realising. He was just a generally horrible man who made everyone unhappy and I am quite certain relished the feelings of power and control it gave him, to know he was dominating more than one family.

I know of several people who have joined forces e.g. Army, navy, police, and in the beginning of their training have been told that "multiple of you will have affairs during this time." Perhaps it's a reality that infidelity is an occupational hazzard of couples whose jobs take them away from each other? Would those same people cheat if they didn't work away from home or if their partners didn't work away?
Interesting point, I think jobs like this provide the perfect circumstances for it to happen, yet as long as it's not between two service members, no-one cares.