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Original poster

Affair - lover has died

162 replies

Question4Yall · 21/06/2017 22:57

NB: This is for a friend - genuinely. The friend is not a 'friend' aka Me, promise. Name changed because I am a prolific regular and don't want any chance of my friend being outed.

She has been seeing a married man for 7 years. He pretty much led a double life. With my friend during the week (works away from home) and at home with wife and 2 kids at weekends. Wife has no idea.

He died at the weekend. Stroke. He was 49 years old and it was completely out of the blue. My friend found out through one of her lover's friends. She is obviously devastated.

I know the situation is horribly fucked up and I have had my opinions about their deceitful situation over the years, believe me. But the question now is - should my friend stay away from his funeral? She is thinking that she must and I am inclined to agree. But what should she do? Would it be horrendous for her to visit his grave, for example?

She is in absolute bits and I feel quite desperate for her. She has behaved atrociously, as did he. But now he is dead and she has no 'rights' to grieve him. I have no clue what to say to her.

What would you advise?

Just to be clear, she has no intention of telling the wife, kids etc or making any sort of scene.

OP posts:
mcjobsworth · 22/06/2017 00:01

She really shouldn't go. What if she totally breaks down and gives it away??

I do hope his wife never finds out. Bad enough to lose her husband, but to find out her whole marriage was a lie and not be able to get answers? That would torment me beyond measure.

MrsLupo · 22/06/2017 00:01

dementiawidow Flowers Flowers Flowers

WorraLiberty · 22/06/2017 00:03

FFS I can't even believe people are suggesting she should go to the funeral, 'as long as she keeps it in'.

How does anyone know how she's likely to react to the situation??

She (they) have given no consideration to his wife/family while he was alive, perhaps it's time to start thinking past her own selfish feelings for once.

If she must visit his grave, let her do it in private.

WarriorsDance · 22/06/2017 00:06

@blueandgreenand Whilst I agree with you that the husband has also being doing it, that does not absolve her. She knew he was married and she knew he had children - she needs to take responsibility for her actions too.

I don't agree with "He's put her in this situation" because I doubt he held a gun to her head and made her have an affair with him for 7 years. She chose to be/remain in that situation, she wasn't put there by anything other than her own choice.

I'm not going down the 'low morals' route but I do think she should respect his wife and children and not intrude on the funeral.

user1487941567 · 22/06/2017 00:09

The husband isn't the one currently considering rocking up at the grieving families side on one of the hardest days imaginable. What's done is done, but she can make things better or much worse now and that'll be her own choice.

MandateMandy · 22/06/2017 00:12

dementiawidow What a beautiful thing you did. Flowers

Nowaynowjose · 22/06/2017 00:15

She should do what is best for her emotionally. Her own priority is herself and her own emotional wellbeing.
WTAF? Good think we don't all think like this.

Vanillaisboring666 · 22/06/2017 00:17

She must stay well away and leavery the poor wife to grieve. No way should she find out what her dh has been up to. If your friend has any concious she will stay away amd keep her big fat other woman mouth shut . His family don't need no more heart ache even tho he was a horrible cheating bastard

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 22/06/2017 00:18

No to the funeral, visit grave privately on her own.

I think cheating is shit but this woman owed the wife nothing so how is she being selfish?

It's the nasty bastard who said I do that holds all the blame here.

He was selfish.
He betrayed his wife and kids.

She may have had dubious morals but I highly doubt anyone who can be a bit on the side has any high self esteem.

Let's not blame a woman who has no attachments instead of a man who took vows.

Feel sorry for all involved. Especially children Sad

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 22/06/2017 00:20

She's not having an affair - he is.

user1487941567 · 22/06/2017 00:21

But the pain she causes now by turning up and potentially outing herself at a massively sensitive time when children will be grieving IS her own selfish action. Not his.

Nowaynowjose · 22/06/2017 00:25

Not denying the husband was a cheating bastard who should have known better, but if OW knew he was married and continued the affair anyway, she WAS being selfish. If ppl weren't prepared to be the OW, so many men wouldn't get away with being such arseholes.

lapetitesiren · 22/06/2017 00:28

She could organise a ceremony herself to deal with her grief, for instance by asking a catholic mass to be said for him and then attending. I imagine most faiths have some provision for a service for remembering somebody without a body present. Doing something like this may help her grieve, even the asking may open up some support for her.

justkeepflying · 22/06/2017 00:31

I've seen this exact situation unfold where the OW did go to the funeral. Please please tell your friend stay away, let it go and don't ruin the wife's life.
The aftermath, the fall out, the grief it caused an already grieving family, to the point of illness and admittance to hospital. No please don't do it. Nobody deserves that.
I'm biased but being in the middle of an awful situation such as this. No.

WorraLiberty · 22/06/2017 00:32

Yes, the affair was the husband's fault because he was the one who made the vows.

I don't think that's in dispute.

However, he is dead now so she is no longer having an affair with him.

Therefore, anything she chooses to do now to potentially upset the grieving widow and their family, is entirely down to her and not the deceased.

ShakingAndShocked · 22/06/2017 00:44

Everything that Worra said - literally word for word.

And, no offence to your friend, but she is literally the last person whose 'rights' matter right now. She chose her set-up and this was always a possibility (even if in another 10 years as clearly he wasn't ever going to be leaving his family and from sound of it OW would still have been happy with her crumbs).

If you chose to build a life with someone you know isn't building a life with you this is the only outcome, IE one where you are a mere bystander to events.

loaferloveforyou · 22/06/2017 00:49

Why does she need to go to the funeral and ruin the wife's memory of her husband? Would she not question who she was? Was it not bad enough she was having an affair with her husband while she was alive that she has to go and ruin the last memory he wife has of her husband?

You don't need to go to the funeral to pay respects to someone - if she must, she should do it in another way.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/06/2017 00:52

She absolutely has to stay away from the funeral. Even if the widow doesn't know about her, it seems that some of her lover's friends DO know, and that would make it very awkward for all concerned.

It would be appalling for the widow to even get an inkling that her husband had had a long term lover on the day she buries him. Bad enough to have lost him, and be grieving - how much worse would it be to suddenly discover that he was also a faithless bastard, which would ruin her memories of him and make her hate him? No, just too cruel.

Let your friend have her own private grief-fest at home, because that's the only place she can do it. And NO to visiting the grave as well - again, imagine if she comes up against the widow! No.

MandateMandy · 22/06/2017 00:53

It's not even just his wife at the funeral. His poor bloody parents are likely to be there too given his age.

Lanaorana2 · 22/06/2017 00:57

How ghastly for her - she and lover RIP very probably had a much more authentic relationship than he and the woman he married.

MN is frenzied about adultery, as you may have gathered - they'll come out in regiments on the side of the wife, no matter how dead the relationship may or may not have been.

But...but...but... don't go to the funeral. It will make a scene that no one needs, least of all your friend. SHe should find the right way to grieve - and when the time is right, look for someone who isn't a cheat.

Nowaynowjose · 22/06/2017 01:03

she and lover RIP very probably had a much more authentic relationship than he and the woman he married
Um, yeah, that's why he stayed with his wife and she was his bit on the side. Confused

HildaOg · 22/06/2017 01:06

Lana a man will always leave if he finds "better". The mistress wasn't better. She was a secret bit extra on top of a marriage he didn't want to leave. Had he wanted to, he would have.

Original poster
Question4Yall · 22/06/2017 01:06

Thanks for all replies. It has given me lots to think about. I am seeing he tomorrow for a coffee so will try to talk to her about all of this again.

She isnt an evil person. She is a really lovely woman. Believe it or not.
I know its easy to vilify the OW in this situation, but the OM had an arranged marriage at a young age and I think he stayed partly because of cultural/religious expectation, and partly because to leave his wife would have brought shame on her. He did not want to put her in that situation, as he did care about her.

Anyway, thank you. Goodnight.

OP posts:
OVienna · 22/06/2017 01:14

She should do what is best for her emotionally. Her own priority is herself and her own emotional wellbeing. Crikey.

I mean - I am not sure why I am bothering to comment as I think your friend probably shares the view of that poster and will do what suits her, in the end, regardless.

Lunar1 · 22/06/2017 01:14

She's not a good person if she's even contemplating going to the funeral. She needs to stay away completely. This is what she signed up for.

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