Affair - lover has died

[Question4Yall]

NB: This is for a friend - genuinely. The friend is not a 'friend' aka Me, promise. Name changed because I am a prolific regular and don't want any chance of my friend being outed.

She has been seeing a married man for 7 years. He pretty much led a double life. With my friend during the week (works away from home) and at home with wife and 2 kids at weekends. Wife has no idea.

He died at the weekend. Stroke. He was 49 years old and it was completely out of the blue. My friend found out through one of her lover's friends. She is obviously devastated.

I know the situation is horribly fucked up and I have had my opinions about their deceitful situation over the years, believe me. But the question now is - should my friend stay away from his funeral? She is thinking that she must and I am inclined to agree. But what should she do? Would it be horrendous for her to visit his grave, for example?

She is in absolute bits and I feel quite desperate for her. She has behaved atrociously, as did he. But now he is dead and she has no 'rights' to grieve him. I have no clue what to say to her.

What would you advise?

Just to be clear, she has no intention of telling the wife, kids etc or making any sort of scene.

What a cheat, no wonder he had a stroke! She should stay away.

lizzieoak - only in your weird little world would absolutely nobody talk to the strange, sad looking woman at the funeral that nobody knows.

If you're still reading OP my thoughts are that you say to your friend the same kinds of things you'd say to anyone who is grieving someone they loved. Maybe you don't need to say much, maybe she would just need you to listen, if you can do that.

I say this a someone whose exDH had affairs, and I'm not an apologist for OW/OM by any means. But I'm in a different place now.

What a cheat, no wonder he had a stroke! Be a dear and close the door on your way out.

If say she goes. Say she was a friend from work. Maybe.

I'm sorry for her loss

Or just finally have some empathy and stay away.

Which is what she apparently plans to do.

What cliches from OP - probably from her friend - about the man cheating. Excuses. He didn't want to "bring shame" on her: so no chance of that with an affair eh!

Your friend may well be "lovely" but her actions for seven years have not been.

Sometimes people do know and turn a blind eye.

No matter what the circumstances surrounding it OP in simple terms, your friend has lost someone she loved deeply. She needs your kindness and your support. Listen, don't avoid talking about him (in the situation I doubt there will be many people she can talk to). His wife and family will be getting enormous amounts of support and sympathy. You can do the same for your friend. Best of luck.

Ìf the husband spent all the week away with work then there may well be lots of people from hìs other lìfe, not just ow.
However, she'd need to be able to hold herself together and Ì don't thìnk that īs lìkely.

I'm pleased your friend decided not to go. That's the dignified decision for her and the best decision for his wife and family. I hope she can move on in her own way now. Just support her as you would any friend who had lost their partner.

I think your friend should do something herself to mark the end of the relationship and his death without going to the funeral. Go to somewhere special to them or the like. Then at a later time, she could visit the place where he is buried if she wants do.

Best thing that could happen for your friend really. Her secret life living a lie is now over and she can hopefully move on to better things.
Give her some sympathy and then tell her to keep away from married men in future.

OP you sound lovely and supportive I hope your friend finds a way through her grief.

The judgement on this thread makes me shakes my head. These things are never black and white.

Why so many identifying details OP?
And why is your friend so concerned to do the right thing now he is dead? It was "horrendous" of her and him to carry on the affair for 7 years.

I also suspect that going to the funeral would upset your friend too much.
Apart from her loss she would also see the reality of his life, as he was probably spinning her lies too.

Surely the wife will find the evidence? Then the children find out, and their trust will be broken and their future relationships damaged before they've even begun.

Doesnt want to bring shame on the family, I knew a lovelly very religoues lady who wasted 20 years of her life on a mrried man, (have also been cheated on by H, who lived 2 separate lives,) it was the mans fault, er no, takes 2. I work colleague also had this situation, she did go to the funeral, but then told me she wanted to be the one to walk/be next to the coffin, it didnt help her. Obviously, symptahy for the "friend", you cannot help falling in love, but you can help what you do. Arranged marriage, maybe spent those years telling OW, he didnt love his wife, i wasnt his fault, and he was going to leave her "one day". I do not think she should go, it will make her feel worse, seeing the wife, and the cildren, no fair on them either,.

I think she should stay away and keep everything crossed that the wife doesn't find out. There's also a chance that the wife knew what was going on but didn't want to admit it, she is now grieving and why make her pain worse bringing this up. Stay well away.

If she thinks she can hold it together rand look like a 'wok colleague' not 'lover' then go to the funeral. If not, she'll have to mourn in private and go visit his grave at a later date or something.

This kinda happened to my friend - her dad had a long running affair, wife found out because he had a child with the other woman, then he got cancer and died. My friends mum was the bigger person and invited the mistress and child to the funeral and forged a relationship with the child as it is my friends half brother.

I think OP's friend should prepare herself for the fallout when the affair is found out, as it very likely will be, sooner or later.

As her friend the OP could also expect grieving of a different kind for all the years OW may feel she has wasted on a shadow of a relationship where she herself will also have been deceived from time to time, and the realisation that in reality it may have, to the widow, seemed a good marriage.

Why does MN in general give a hard time to OW? Because the collective experience is of the nasty mess cheating and betrayal leave behind them, often for a lifetime as in the 1920s case. Duty always to yourself be damned.

I hope you friend can find peace in her decision, OP. I think it's the right thing to do.

I still think the thread should be deleted though - I know you've changed details but I don't think that helps because you might actually be implicating someone completely innocent whose circumstances DO match the ones you describe, and that would be even worse IMO.

If this is genuinely about your friend in crisis I think you owe it to her to have this thread swiftly deleted. I feel very uncomfortable about all these strangers discussing her desperate situation without (presumably) her knowledge and would be devastated if it were about me.

These things are never black and white.

I think 'don't fuck with married people' seems pretty clear to me.

I am wondering whether this thread is real and hesitated posting again for that reason. But I am so livid about the way in which the arranged marriage card was played I can't resist. So- he gets to have one foot in two cultures and she doesn't? Rather than sympathising with the guy I am livid he seems the have pitched this as his excuse for carrying on with an OW. His poor wife- maybe she would have been grateful if the marriage hadn't gone ahead too! And how horrible she would feel - if indeed that is the case- to find out her 'D'H permitted himself a get out clause all along.