Men who are not getting enough satisfying sex

[PacificDogwod]

What happens to them?!
Do they explode or something??

WTAF gives them the right to pressurise their partners for sex or humiliate them or 'threaten' to go elsewhere??

What happens to women who are not getting enough satisfying sex?
Just suck it up as long as you are satisfying yer man?

There are FAR too many threads about this 'problem' currently and I am putting my stance on this in this one to save me repeating myself: Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

I totally get that there can be a mismatch in sexual desire in a couple and that IS a problem, but how it should be addressed is surely not by abuse and humiliation and pressure??

For the record: NOTHING happens to men who are not ejaculating as often as they might think they'd like. And anyway, surely that's what the shower or an old sock is for?!

Guys, up yer game.

Women, get angry

Airbiscuits

You articulate perfectly how being with a low libido partner feels, regardless of whether it is from the man's or woman's persepective. Thank you for cutting through all the bullshit being pedalled on this thread

Airbiscuits I applaud you. So true.

Thank goodness the menfolk have arrived to tell us how we are wrong 🙄

If your partner has a lower libido than you then you need to talk about it like adults, just like any other issue you don't feel the same way about. Locate the issue (physical, emotional) and if you want to work on it then do.
If it's a deal breaker for you and you really can't live with it then you need to reconsider whether this is something you can live with. If it's not then the relationship may end.

In reality, far too many men bitch, moan, whine, coerce or outright force the partner into sex rather than talking it through. Unfortunately women do need to fear abuse from men.

I wonder how you'd feel if it was, say a male partner who'd been injured in combat and was unable to have sex, and the wife bitching about her 'needs.' How would she be judged for leaving to get more sex?

Probably quite differently.

If your libidos are mismatched then work through it like adults, whilst respecting the bodily autonomy of the partner. No one is forcing you to stay in a sexless marriage if you don't want to. No one should whine or behave like a hormonal chimp in the meantime.

I'm a woman and I agree with airbiscuits and how shit it makes you feel. But apparently we aren't allowed to moan about it.

Of course you can moan about it, if an issue is making you unhappy you need to take steps to resolve it.

Those steps are : talk, respect each other, assess whether it's a deal breaker. If it is, consider ending the relationship.

The problem is that far too many men don't do that. They coerce. And they come up with all the excuses and justifications in this thread for why they 'must' have sex and why lack of sex excuses their bad behaviour. Or they don't acknowledge that being a lazy fucker around the house means their partner is constantly in skivvy mode which is the least sexy thing ever. Or they expect said skivvy to turn into a porn star without any effort from them.

If there's an issue talk about it like adults. If you can't, or can't resolve it then perhaps the relationship has run its course.

No one is forced to stay in a sexless marriage. Too many women are coerced into sex they don't want.

Totally agree about it not working and moving on. Have done. I know I can't live in a relationship that doesn't involve physical intimacy. Life is too short.

Again, i have encountered some women who are pretty poor "in the sack". I guess thats my fault? Maybe its both our faults in that we just didnt fit together well?
I think it's possible for people to just not "fit" well together, yes TDH, like mismatched styles of touching for example. But it can also be physically due to the variations in size and shape of genitals. Then you add emotions to the mix and I'm not surprised there's so much unforfilling sex about.

Wow, totally bemused by the aggressive lawn mowing and car washing. It's not lack of sex that makes you behave like that, it's your choice.
There have been many threads on MN where people have explained how damaging it is to be regularly rejected sexually. It's not just sexual frustration, it goes to the very core of the person, male or female. They start feeling undesireable, self esteem lowers, etc. I reckon affairs aren't about sexual frustration but the desire to be desired by another living human. Masturbating only deals with the sexual frustration not the emotions wrapped up in it, so saying "just have a wank" is totally unhelpful.

Anatidae, even when 2 women tell you here that they are unhappy with their sex lives, you still insist that the issue only lies with men. Open your eyes - this site is full of posts by women who are being driven (in the words of one poster i recall) "bat shit crazy" by low libido partners who refuse to engage in any reasonable conversation towards finding a resolution. And it is not as easy as just upping sticks and leaving - there are many reasons why they stay - children, finances, they genuinely love their partner or they just keep believing it will change.

And your analogy of the wounded serviceman is disingenious - most people accept that illness or a physical inability to have sex requires much more understanding than a partner who point blank refuses sex.

i totally agree with you that there is never any excuse for abusing a partner, but having a moan about a LL partner is not abuse.

AnyFucker

Why do you keep mentioning basic facts that I've already acknowledged as if they are some big giant secret that only you know. If you want to be patronising, try saying that's actually profound.

Now as to your substantive point: obviously, social conditioning conditions men to think women owe them sex. Duh. But guess what? Social conditioning also conditions men to think that women don't like sex. It also conditions women to think they shouldn't have sex except to keep a man. People talk about women's responsive desire as if that's innate. No, it's conditioned. Women are also conditioned to use sex as leverage rather than explore sexuality on their own terms.

So plenty of the "sexual mismatch" in relationships can come through patriarchal ideals as expressed by a woman. I know, shocking to you that you can't just do a drive through blame-the-DH/LTB in every case.

As I said before, your solution to this conditioning is to encourage women to raise the price on sex (housework!), rather than stop trading with it. As if women can become sexually free and equal by trading sex for a clean house.

jeaux90

You might as well give up. It's faux-feminism at it's worst. They basically have very regressive ideas about women's sexuality (2nd wave?). They believe that all men want lots of sex; women don't want much but give some up occasionally to men who clean well. The "feminist" thing to do is to dole out sex in dribs and drabs in exchange for being a good husband.

So if a man is unhappy with sexual frequency, it must be because he's doing something wrong. The weird thing is they deny both that asexual women exist (because it's always the man's fault. women can never just not want sex) and that truly sexual women exist (a woman's sexual desire is always responsive to a man's actions).

What utter crap. I have a higher libido than my husband but I also have a vibrator so don't feel the need to strop about like a teenager if he's not in the mood.

The point is that women are still being coerced into sex they don't want in ways they don't want.

There was a poster yesterday who was allowing her husband to choke her during sex as the only way he could maintain his erection.

To deny it is a problem doesn't stop it being one

Ok let's strip it down to go either way. The issue can lie with either partner. A libido mismatch can occur in either side. If that's the case then they both need to talk about it. Like adults. Neither partner has a right to sex and neither partner has a right to coerce the other.

You talk about constant rejection and that's an interesting issue. It implies that the partners are not in fact speaking about the issue - one is just continuining to make advances and the other is rejecting. That's unhealthy because it's falling into a pattern where one partner feels coerced and one is rejected. That cannot end well. And it says that the partner making advances is not truly listening to the one rejecting, they just continue to advance. No positive steps are taken, one feels pestered and one keeps pestering. Unless the couple gets to the core of the problem it remains.

If one partner is saying no all the time, the solution is NOT to keep asking, it's to discover why and resolve that issue.

At the same time (and now bringing gender back into it) I know too many women who faced a grumpy sulky partner who whined that they weren't getting any after birth. Who pressured and cajoled instead of respecting and listening. That is an issue.

If my husband says no to my advances I respect that. If he would continue to say no I would back off totally while we talked it through and resolved or explored any issues.

Do you understand what I'm saying here? 'Constant rejection' needs to be explored because it means that one partner isn't listening and is continue to press for something the other partner doesn't want, instead of listening to their reasons why not and resolving them as a couple.

Not at all rolopolovolo. I and most women like sex.

We don't tend to like it with men we resent because they treat us poorly in our day-to-day home-lives. If a woman is pissed off with her partner cos he's not picked up his share of housework and childcare, and she's tired and fed-up, she will not feel like sex. If she feels like they're a team and they're not having ongoing friction about her feeling taking for granted, then she's more likely to have the energy and interest in sex. It's not a trade, it's mutual respect - if he has none for her, treats her like a skivvy and like sex is part of her chores for him, then she's not going to be excited to have sex with him.

ey basically have very regressive ideas about women's sexuality (2nd wave?). They believe that all men want lots of sex; women don't want much but give some up occasionally to men who clean well. The "feminist" thing to do is to dole out sex in dribs and drabs in exchange for being a good husband.

That's not a feminist view. A feminist view is that both partners are equals in a relationship and have the right to bodily autonomy. That women can and do enjoy sex just as much as men. That good sex springs from respect and equal power in a relationship. I'm afraid the view you give is not mature, but quite reminiscent of a certain bit of the internet where men rage against women and seem to dislike them very much indeed.
It's quite a recent thing historically to have men as the sex that need more sex. Plenty of historical sources show the idea that women were seen as dangerously keen and were a risk to men.

Respect and equality, of both sexes by both sexes, is feminist. Man bashing solves nothing, treating women as objects to satisfy men's 'needs' solves nothing.

As I said before, your solution to this conditioning is to encourage women to raise the price on sex (housework!), rather than stop trading with it. As if women can become sexually free and equal by trading sex for a clean house.

What on earth are you talking about?
All my friends are sexually liberated women over 30 and I don't know a single one who trades sex for housework. How insulting. I do know women who kinda go off the idea of sucking their husband off when he constantly leaves shit stains on the lav for her to clean off.
That's not the same thing. Is it? ? Has my silly ardent feminist brain confused me? I'm sure a man will be along soon to helpfully point out ( again) that sometimes women want sex too.

The feminist view is equality. Not a trade. X 1000000000

How insulting. I do know women who kinda go off the idea of sucking their husband off when he constantly leaves shit stains on the lav for her to clean off.
That's not the same thing. Is it?

This made me chuckle.

Perfectly explained.

"women's responsive desire is conditioned" ????
Says a man.
What? ONly a man an innate sexual response? Women's is conditioned.

Rolpolovo. What. The. Hell........

And further on

"There was a poster yesterday who was allowing her husband to choke her during sex as the only way he could maintain his erection."

The poor woman. That is so sad. If anybody's innate sexual response is changing through conditioning it's porn-watching male sexual response. Women's has remained pretty much unchanged. They still want respect, affection, attention, to know that they and their time and efforts are valued equally. Big turn on that. Men don't and won't grasp this.

Perfectly explained by category12

I think some men prefer a skivvy to do sex on though.

You just cant explain it to them because although they might moan about the skivvy not being up for sex often enough, really, they prefer that status quo than the hassle of having to give over time and resources to make the sacrifices of parenting (and life) 50:50 and they can't no matter how deep they dig respect their wife or see her as equal. They just can't try because they can't succeed because it's not within them. So they put their hands over their ears and say la la la and moan about the skivvy they do sex on.

We don't tend to like it with men we resent because they treat us poorly in our day-to-day home-lives. If a woman is pissed off with her partner cos he's not picked up his share of housework and childcare, and she's tired and fed-up, she will not feel like sex. If she feels like they're a team and they're not having ongoing friction about her feeling taking for granted, then she's more likely to have the energy and interest in sex. It's not a trade, it's mutual respect - if he has none for her, treats her like a skivvy and like sex is part of her chores for him, then she's not going to be excited to have sex with him.

If your DH treats you poorly then address that. If you want to end a relationship, end it! Encourage women to end relationships and be with equals. Don't you think it's weird is that no one ever suggests that women do chores to get more sex out of men? Men with low libidos have low libidos. No one ever suggests that men have low libidos because of how their wives treat them. But women with low libidos need things to raise their libido. People have even said it on this thread openly.

That's what it means for women to have "conditioned responsive sexual desires". Anatidae has it perfectly. Equality would mean women take control of their own sexual desires and identity not just wait for a man to do the dishwasher. It would mean to stop tying your sexual appetite to leverage in a relationship. Women's sexuality is just as warped by patriarchy as men's is. But so many women are so committed to trading sex for things that they can't actually bear to be honest about it.

I can honestly say I have never, ever traded sex like that. Neither has any woman I've known and we do talk about such things.

you talk of equality but place the blame squarely on the woman to sort it,.,,
that's not how it's going to get solved. I live in a Scandinavian country and we are getting there - more men taking parental leave, less common for women to skivvy. Not perfect, but way better than my native uk

I'm interested that you think that somewhere, 'purely sexual women exist.' We exist everywhere- women, in general, like sex. Your view of this is warped. There are roughly the same proportion of asexual men and women actually, it's a normal bit of the spectrum of human sexuality. It's neither right nor wrong.

You don't seem to actually like women very much from your posts. That comes across quite strongly. Big red flag when guys complain about feminism. Feminism is trying to make things equal. Equal social, political, legal , financial status for women.

No one owes you sex. Not women you know, date or have been married to for twenty years. Sex, good sex anyway, is something that happens with mutual respect. If you're needing to nag for it something is wrong. If you're repeatedly nagging ask yourself why. Why aren't you listening to the 'no'? What's gone wrong? Why are you continuing to pester rather than step back and work at it?

Rolo - If a man were doing the majority of chores, childcare, etc and didn't fancy sex at the end of the day because he was knackered of course the suggestion would be for the woman to take some of the pressure off.

Especially if she was an ungrateful shit about the whole situation which is unfortunately common.

You seem to be clinging to the 'throw the hoover around' comment but are completely missing the point of it, sadly.

Thank goodness there are men here to tell women to 'just leave' abusive men. Women could NEVER have thought of that alone. And because we're so thick, that's the reason we stay in abusive relationships, we never thought of leaving.

Thank goodness for men who come up with these great solutions for women. No wonder they run the world.

To deny it is a problem doesn't stop it being one

This.