Men who are not getting enough satisfying sex

[PacificDogwod]

What happens to them?!
Do they explode or something??

WTAF gives them the right to pressurise their partners for sex or humiliate them or 'threaten' to go elsewhere??

What happens to women who are not getting enough satisfying sex?
Just suck it up as long as you are satisfying yer man?

There are FAR too many threads about this 'problem' currently and I am putting my stance on this in this one to save me repeating myself: Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

I totally get that there can be a mismatch in sexual desire in a couple and that IS a problem, but how it should be addressed is surely not by abuse and humiliation and pressure??

For the record: NOTHING happens to men who are not ejaculating as often as they might think they'd like. And anyway, surely that's what the shower or an old sock is for?!

Guys, up yer game.

Women, get angry

I totally would recommend a man who was doing the lion's share of housework, worked and was taking responsibility for the majority of childcare and household management, and therefore was too tired and resentful for sex, should ask their partner to share the load more equally.

Rolo, you're so obtuse. Women do take control and leave men all the time because they've stopped loving them and they've gone off them. It doesn't happen over night though because they want the man they married or had children with or both to want to meet them half way, not to be begged to be fair.

My x didn't get enough sex. I didn't get enough respect. So I took control and left.

The notion that women aren't sexual because they aren't sexual in the same way that men are sexual is ridiculous.

I don't see where any woman on this thread has said that things raise her libido.

Being with a man who believes that his partner's time is as important as his, so he doesn't expect her to do more than 50% of the work, is that a 'thing'? It a thing but it's not things

ime it's men who think they can trade for sex.

Things don't raise mine. To paraphrase Beyoncé, I buy my own ;) I earn equal to dh and I earn well. I have no desire to be a kept woman, if I want it I buy it (not that I do I'm not terribly materialistic although I have a terrible sewing fabric stash and a thin for jewellery... but I digress)

What raises mine is not being exhausted, from work, kids, bloody housework and stress. And being treated with love, respect and humour. Funnily enough, dh is exactly the same, being a reasonable chap and all.

What raises mine is being treated like a person - not a mother, not a skivvy, not a house keeper, not a sex object, but somebody he actually enjoys being around, is interested in, has fun with.

Things?! Pah.
I have received pretty things in the past, that made me feel like shrivelling up.
Honestly.

"So when men or women engage in passive aggressive behaviours, sulks, strops, cold shoulder etc - it's not healthy and it won't help improve the relationship."

all this is true. But the scratchy, edgy feelings described by some posters in this thread because they are regularly sexually frustrated are not contrived, deliberate attempts to make things better, or manipulate them into sex.

Male violence and entitlement is a huge problem. I get that.

But I have left a long term relationship in which I was not my best self and sexual frustration was a large part of that.
I was also exhausted, bore too much practical and financial responsibility alone, had no one to talk to because exP lost interest in talking to me and I felt isolated from my other friends. I was physically, sexually, practically and emotionally incredibly lonely.

And it made me not much fun. I was a wreck running on empty and I was angry and sad most of the time. Sex was only a part of it but actually a decent session would have put us in a much better place to deal with all the rest.

I was an idiot, sex was not good from the beginning, I should never have got that involved with someone so sexually unsatisfying for me. but it was part of what made me angry and it is hard to disguise the anger of having few of your many needs met, ALL the time, while working hard for a family and being treated like shit

I'm I the only person reading this who wonders if blokes take the advice to leave relationships with their low libido partners , will they manage to find replacements who will maintain permanently high libidos?

Perhaps blokes stay with the coercion strategy because they know the odds are against finding such a paragon, and finding anew mate is hard work.

Well bloody hell, I wrote a long post and the page reloaded and lost it!

Dd is 15, the things she's told me leave me with no doubt that secondary school is rife with practices that are probably confusing to girls who are developing their sexual and relationship knowledge.
She was groped at a party by a drunk boy, when she complained to her friends, instead of berating the boy and telling him what an arsehole he was, she was told she was being silly, she was a prick tease and that she enjoyed it really. The same has happened to friends of hers as well, the onus is on girls, by girls and boys, to be available at any point.
Sexual abuse and language is common in school, grabbing bums and boobs, rubbing themselves up against them etc, and is passed off as boys will be boys, girls laughing it off, and being criticised if they're unhappy with the uninvited attention. The awful thing is that many parents agree with it, it's just part of growing up, they don't seem to see that it's teaching boys to disrespect and even ignore boundaries, and girls to feel they are wrong to have those boundaries in the first place. This isn't just at my dd's school (a nice, rural school), but in other apparently nice schools, where it's just seen as tiresome behaviour that will be grown out of. (To be clear, this isn't constant behaviour, but it does happen, and I can remember the same going on when I was a teenager - I was groped on the school bus and had the humiliation of being laughed at by everyone on it, including the bus driver, then tearfully telling my mum, who also laughed and made some joke about me being grown up now )
As much as parents can (but many don't) instil strong boundaries and decent values and model appropriate relationship behaviour (and again, many don't), peer led discovery and education is more influential for teenagers. Pressure to fit in can be immense.

Trying to educate against this once people are adults is going to be difficult, as it's seen as normal and not worth making a fuss about because it could be worse.
Sex ed in schools needs to improve and include candid discussions about boundaries, about consent, and needs to be clear to both boys and girls that some behaviour is downright abusive and will not be tolerated. Schools need to take a hard line on any sort of unwanted sexual behaviour, rather than sigh and dismiss it.
Men and women together need to know that pressure to have sex and unwanted touching is not ok, but they need to know from an early age.

I think some men would be astounded at the amount of sex their exes are having with new, better partners. I know a few women whose exes think they are 'frigid' when they were just tired, miserable and unsatisfied. Now they're happy, it's a whole different start.

I also know at least two women in shitty relationships who read porn romance novels and watch Outlander for their jollies instead of shagging their husbands because their husbands are dismissive, unkind and controlling. They can't leave (finances and children) but would certainly be fucking given half a chance at feeling good.

Too many,
I am sure the reason so many single (and married!) men chase much younger women is the hope that they have a much higher sex drive than their ex (or current)

marbles those men are idiots

My sex drive in my 50's when I am comfortable in my skin and sharing my life with a good man is infinitely higher than when I was a 20 something in a series of shit relationships that tanked my self esteem

MrsTP I know my ex would be shocked at the sex life I have now. I shocked myself, was with him from a young age and just thought I had a low sex drive. Turns out I don't!

User, I know this attitude is rife.

Which is why I think teaching about meaningful consent and respect and boundaries starts by respecting toddlers' refusal to kiss Great-aunt Gerta, making quite sure that children understand that 'play fighting' is only ok when everybdoy involved is having fun, not tickling a child when it is perfectly obvious that while they are involuntarily laughing they are also distressed and simply being stronger than them does not justify carrying on etc etc.

Coercive sex has no role in a healthy relationship, it has very little to do with meaningful sex that cements a relationship - it has everything to do with control, power and entitlement.

Sex Ed in school is too little too late and while it includes loads of unnecessary information does not focus enough on relationships, not just the mechanics of SI.

I refuse to date someone whose sexual desire and appetite is not the same as mine. It's a deal breaker.

Yes Pacific, I completely agree.
Accepting a child's refusal to kiss someone is so often seen as bad parenting though.

Agree totally. I have a son and will be teaching him from the get go that he doesn't have to kiss anyone he doesn't want to (in fact this has already happened a couple of times and I've had to explain why by various relatives.) as he gets older, respect and boundaries will be drummed into him and hopefully he will grow into a decent human being who respects women, Actually schools here (Sweden) do cover this stuff - there's a big emphasis on it.

Sex ed in school is indeed far too late. It also isn't taught by anyone who has an particular specialist knowledge about relationships. Any given teacher might have skewed boundaries (I certainly know a few), so an open and frank discussion wouldn't help at all. Getting specialist organisations in would be awesome, but very few schools have the resources.

Sorry, not RTFT but just had to laugh very loudly at the idea that KPMG and other organisations invested in denying sexism exists, are some kind of experts about why the glass ceiling exists.

When women try to negotiate the way men do, act, speak, behave the way men do, the way we're told to, assertively, confidently, professionaly, we are seen as unlikeable bitches and we don't get the pay-rise. If we fall back to trusted sex role behaviours of femininity,. we are liked more and we still don't get the pay -rise.

Bet KPMG et al haven't noticed that.

People who think discussion resolves issues around mismatched libido have clearly never been in this situation

."If my husband says no to my advances I respect that. If he would continue to say no I would back off totally while we talked it through and resolved or explored any issues"

Ok. So you are told the issues are "I'm getting too old for this" (we are both mid-late 40s....not 80s)

So unhelpful. The alternative to getting old isn't that appealing.

Agree AskBasil. There is lots of scholarship to back this up. Just felt the previous poster was so ignorant and silly that it wasn't worth the time to discuss this with her.

Airbiscuits, your situation sounds shit and I am very sorry about that.
I really do feel for both sides in this. I think I actually was both sides in fact, in my last relationship, in a weird way: on some level I was very conscious of being sexually frustrated but if you had asked my ex whether I was "up for it" he woudl have said no and perhaps implied he was (yet not enough to make any credible advances or accept mine)

Ok. So you are told the issues are "I'm getting too old for this" (we are both mid-late 40s....not 80s)

That sounds like an odd reason - to me it sounds like a deflection.
But you've discussed - the next step if it's not working is to consider leaving the relationship. Discussion may not resolve the issue - but it's a necessary step. If after that you can't reach agreement you leave. No one should be stuck in a relationship that makes them unhappy. I personally have left a long term relation for issues that couldn't be resolved. What you can't, mustn't do is continue to request what is not being offered freely.

You have the following alternatives: accept the situation and be unhappy, actively try to resolve it (which it seems you've tried) or leave. It's shit, but it happens. What you want, which is more sex, seems not to be what your wife wants. So unfortunately you're at an impasse. She has a right to say no, you have a right to leave. It's not a great situation but what else can you do?

Posted on a similar thread ..,
So perhaps the real question is - what does it mean when your DW is no longer interested in having a sexual relationship with her DH?
If he's not pulling his weight, being lazy or any number of other domestic grievances then DW should have the integrity to discuss these. Same for hygiene, respect, or feeling badly treated etc.
Perhaps the issue is that - not least on MN - the answer as to why is that for some reason or other DW is saying - in effect - 'you are not good enough for me to consider continuing an intimate relationship.'
So - if someone says - you're not good enough for me - the relationship is pretty much over.
So the only question left should be whether the feeling that someone 'isn't good enough' mean that they can change things or go on hurting one another.
I would say that if DW was getting the message that she wasn't good enough to be treated with affection, love, intimacy- without any discussion of what is actually wrong - that bad behaviour in response wouldn't be considered quite so abusive. And her pathetic attempts to seek reassurance through pestering, sulking, threatening to leave, getting angry, emotional, and basically behaving badly - these would be forgiven. She'd probably be told by at least one MNer she was in an abusive relationship.
My thought for the day!

Dadaist, I understand what you are saying.
I am not defending PA bullshit, whether committed by men or women.

Click at the top of this thread on the Relationship board and read some of the threads. Even accepting that some are trolls, some are exaggerated, some are completely one sided, MN is much more frequented by women than men - even accepting all that, do you not see some kind of pattern?!

While DV can be committed by men and women, the numbers are not favourable for men.

I cannot believe that that even needs pointing out.

How many men are in fear of their safety, health and well-being when they don't deliver sexually what their women want or demand?

Don't be obtuse.
This thread is not about individual experiences - it is about the balance of power in relationships as a whole.