Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

I always thought respect was earned.
Certainly not demanded or expected; and not for liars, cheats or abusers.

Maybe I should send that as my reply.

I so recognise the pomposity. I expect he has always behaved like this, and you accepted it, either for a quiet life, or because it was the "normal" within the relationship.

He is clearly discombobulated with your moving on, and is now trying to reassure himself that things are unchanged. He is in charge, he knows best, you defer to him etc.

I used to have phrases such as " Can you possibly explain why/what ..." What is the meaning of what/where/why " etc etc. I engaged as well. Such a relief to have left it (mostly) behind me!

Onit, don't engage, just ignore. He's baiting you. If you send that reply (or any reply) you will be dancing to his tune. You will come across as being bitter and angry, and this will confirm (in his mind) that you are unreasonable. He's convinced himself he's done nothing wrong. So reminding him of all the shitty things he's done won't make a scrap of difference to him. I feel your rage, and in your shoes, i would struggle to bite my tongue, but you need to disengage from his twattery for your own sanity. 💐

I haven’t replied.
I am learning to vent elsewhere.
He has always been pompous (what a fab word ) or actually became more so as his position increased and mine fell.
As he made most decisions, he’s not used to having no say or me asserting myself. Which is all it is.
He had this devoted, timid, depressed wife with little self esteem.
I’m not that person anymore but he hasn’t seen me change.
He see a bitter, jealous, vengeful harpie.
I’m glad he doesn’t know me anymore. He doesn’t deserve to. His actions had consequences for all of us but by far the best thing is his diminished influence on my wonderful dc.
Because he’d do to them what he did to me. And that’s become much more difficult to achieve now he sees them so little.
And actually the baby means his influence is diluted further still.

I had a weird dream last week that ow came to my house and I sat her at my kitchen table and fed her.
Odd.

Is nigel still around?
I remember there’s an anniversary of sorts coming up for her and have been thinking about how she is.

Onit, you've come such a long way and sounding so much more confident and self-assured. There will be days when you feel wobbly, but that's o.k. - you can "fake it to you make it".

Think of his missives as white noise. Respond to the essential particulars concerning the children in a brisk, business-like manner and move on.

He's not worth your time or energy.

You've won my admiration and respect 💐

Onit I have a couple of long-standing threads of my own on here regarding my situation with an ex too.
Yours really helped me in the dark days as I saw your messages change and grow in strength and confidence.
Your last post about how you have changed was wonderful. It really summed it up for me and echoed many thoughts about my situation.
My ex is really pissing me off at the mo with the way he treats the dc and I am always the one to pick up the pieces.
Mine are a lot older than yours, 13 and 10, but already I Can see how damaged their relationship with their dad is. I'm not sure how much longer it will last.

I'm here you have done so great Onit-im really so proud of you.
Well remembered-(I'm genuinely touched that you remember that) -on the 21st it will be two years since I found out about h and best friend. I feel like I've gone backwards this last year with it all really . I should be feeling much better by now and Im just...either flat or at times still very tearful. If anything I felt better this time last year. Might be time to bite the bullet and go back to the GP for meds again maybe,but I had such a bad experience with them last time that I'm scared to.
Divorce still not sorted either-maybe it will help to get that over with if we ever do...

The pressure is so great to be over it. But I think we all need to be that much gentler with ourselves.
Docs isn’t a bad shout nigel even if only to chat. I can’t remember if you said you’d ever had counselling. It’s worth it. I’d go hungry to keep seeing mine and at this point we’re pretty much passed what he’s done since he left. The firefighting is done but it’s clear I’ve many issues of my own to deal with. Some from long before I even met lcb.

My divorce is in hand. But he’s not shared that info with me. No discussion. No heads up.
He needs the marriage certificate and dcs birth certificates but he’s ordered copies rather than ask me for them.
I only know because I’m still being nosy on the old iPad occasionally.
I can only assume he wants to spring the thing on me.
It’s a control thing.
But he’s not that clever.
I’m not either but I have you guys and morality on my side.

Had CBT at the beginning to stop the panic attacks and enable me to go and watch the girls play football and do the school run-both places where I was bound to bump into her. Had some regular counselling since... probably need a bit more.
Just been out to lunch with DD's and exh-he met us in town as he was on his way back from somewhere so we did child handover there and had lunch with them. He started shouting and lecturing at me about something I let them watch on Tv that he didn't approve of. The girls were a bit and eventually I just said-I think you need to take it down several notches and we'll discuss it without our children siting here. I was upset but for once I've come away from it not thinking-how can I make this right? but instead thinking, Thank actual God I don't have to live with this shite anymore...poor Dd1 however made me go to the bathroom with her and begged to come back to mine instead of her Dads today. I find that a bit heartbreaking. I wish I could've said yes .

I’m in awe of you being able to communicate face to face but I think that’s why I’m doing so much better.
It’s really hard for him to manipulate me by email or text.
I don’t have to think on my feet.
I’ve always been better with space to think. And time to confer with smarter folk than me.
From a distance, I’m in charge. And he knows it.

I think it's good for the kids to see us together and getting on. Which we can usually fake. But it is hard when he's like he was today.And I found Christmas extremely hard-I don't think I can do that again.

I doubt your DC are convinced by your faking it. It may be Xmas was difficult for them too.

Of course they love their Dad, and you. They may even at some level enjoy you all being together, although it might confuse them. That doesn't mean it is the best thing for them.

But, it really is all about his control and ongoing abuse of you. You no longer live together but the dynamic of the relationship continues. It is bad for you, actually making you ill I suspect. It is bad for your DC to watch the dynamic play out. It is actively preventing you all moving on. You are no longer a family unit of four, better to establish your own new unit. He can do the same.

It may be that in the longer term you can do things together now and then, although it is usually impossible with an abusive/controlling man. It suits no one other than him at the moment as far as I can see.

MsP is most likely speaking the —hard— truth *
My cousin grew up with her narcissistic father and a stepmother who had no maternal instinct at all and is probably not without her own antisocial personality traits. I know as a child I never liked her. She just seemed very cold emotionally.
My cousin found out they were getting married on the morning of the wedding when they gave her a new dress.

Obviously my dcousin has issues but she is able to tell me what it felt like to be a child in a tough situation.
The main thing she says over and over is that kids aren’t stupid. They see and hear more than you think. They feel the “wrongness” of a situation; and they judge.
She told me a story of going on holiday and waking in the night. Going into her dad and finding her SM (gf at the time) in the bed with him.
She jokes that she couldn’t put a word to what she thought at the time but the closest she could get to it now would be whore .

The point of this is that it’s highly likely that your DD’s and my dc’s are aware of more than we think. Even if they can’t verbalise it.
Your dd not wanting to go might be that she sees the effect he has on you and doesn’t like it or she doesn’t like that he went off with your friend. Or maybe she just doesn’t want to go because he’s a dick.

I also wanted to say I finished reading Living with the Dominator and it was scary in places. I might’ve already mentioned that I’d finished it. I can’t remember .
I highlighted so many passages.
It reminded me of things I’d forgotten. Especially early stuff.

Oh no she doesn't like it that he's with my friend. And she's told him as much. (It didn't go down well and of course was all my fault ) And she doesn't like it when he acts like a dick. And has told me as much.But they have both said several times that they like that we can occasionally do stuff together and that they don't have to choose or feel guilty at times like Christmas as some of their friends with divorced parents do... so as long as that's the case then that needs to be the aim I think-though never again for so long over Christmas-I know my limits now.

You’re a star nigel and your girls know it.

I’m quite open with my 2 now if they make comments or ask questions about daddy not being my friend.
I just tell them that no one has to be friends with anyone who hurts them or treats them badly. I wish it’s a lesson I was taught.
I think it’s easier because mine are younger and they see things more black and white.
Daddy hurt mummy so he’s not her friend.
Older kids see more shades of grey and it’s less clean cut.

Yes I say similar to mine- that he's their dad and we will always try and get on and that he is great in lots of ways, but that we weren't good at being married to one another...they know the background and they aren't stupid so I don't think there was any point in lying to them really-they know I find it hard sometimes.

Onit you are sounding very clear and strong. Just reinforces how controlling he is that he can't even tell you the divorce is approaching! Well done on not reacting and staying (at least for him to see) detached. I second what you said about verbal communication - it still gets my head in a spin and I don't deal as well as I would like to. Text and email also gives me the thinking space and time to consult others. You are doing so well and are really getting to understand the dynamics of his controlling tactics...I hope you can feel the difference in yourself and are very (rightly) proud if your progress.

I remember finishing Living with the Dominator the first time. Scared and astonished at how it resonated.

Have you read it Nigel? I hear what you're saying re the DC, and I know that you are listening to what they say/want. The thing is that sometimes what they say/want isn't what is best for them, or indeed you all as a family unit. Also they have also been impacted by the ongoing dynamic of your relationship with your XH. Given how he behaved in front of them last time, their relationship with them is also unlikely to be healthy. Controllers/abusers can be like this with DC, as well as partners. And as I always say it doesn't stop when you/they leave.

I used to appease my XH, partly as I had always done it, partly to try and make things better for my DC. In fact things got better for them when I started to detach, put down boundaries, and sometimes had to prevent him damaging them by reducing/stopping contact. I had worried so much that would be the wrong thing to do for them. In fact it was the reverse. They felt happier, more secure, and years later are in a place I doubt they would be otherwise.

I'll have a read of it. I do hear what you are saying Mrs P-and I know that form the middle of it isn't always the best place to see the big picture so I appreciate your advice.

De lurking after a long time to say I am full of admiration for you, Onit, and AleC4, too. I am rooting for all you strong ladies on this thread and hope that you all go from strength to strength.

re Dcs, if there are questions I think you should be truthful, you are not LCB's keeper. What he did to you was the most appalling treachery. It so very nearly destroyed you. He got to walk away with financial security & completely reconstruct a new life, incl. baby now. & still wants to screw you at every turn.

On a happier note, What about your bf ? Have they met him now ? I am certain LCB will prove himself to be difficult & controlling when they do.

God theres been so much going on over the last few days. Apologies for the epic post.

Had a shitty Mother’s Day. Not bad in and of itself as I had some lovely time with the dc but I was pretty sad for lots of it.
It’s really hit me this year that I miss my mum.
We bought some flowers and took them to the grave. I haven’t been in a long time and didn’t stay long as I was quite distressed and because it was mother’s day the cemetery was really busy. I didn’t want to upset my dc either.

Last weekend the dc went to his. On Sunday he asked if they could stay another night as school was closed for a snow day on Monday.
I’d been unwell enough that I’d not gone to work either Saturday or Sunday and bf was here taking care of me.
My instinct was to have them home but I was feeling truly awful (migraine type thing with fainting feeling and dizziness) and bf suggested that it might be better for me if I gave myself a night off (he was going home Sunday afternoon).
However, I agreed to them staying another night to be returned home by 9am.
At 5pm I received a group text from the council saying school was now reopening.
I made a split second decision to leave the dc there. They’d be having tea and if he was to bring them home, they’d be very late to bed.
But I was so upset at the late text I emailed the head and the council to complain.
I asked the head for a meeting.
I was so worried because school is his territory. I was so paranoid I didn’t put anything in the email in case it got back to lcb (on the parent council)
However the head asked me in for a chat.'
I explained the difficulties that were potentially going to arise due to the late group call and my subsequent decision. That lcb would use it as leverage

Head was lovely and said if I needed her to write something for the courtshe would.

And then this morning I got it.
He wants to do sundays overnight because they all loved it and though I won’t see them for a longer period, “it would seem to suit all of us” twat

He went in to say he can’t justify the 3 hrs to collect ds from his activity on Tuesdays and that the 4 journeys back and forth on Mondays are unfair on the kids. So he’s going to move ds’s class from Tuesday to Monday. To suit everyone.
But not ds as the last time he suggested it (after he moved away) ds got very upset and said he didn’t want to change days.

I’ve asked him to give me a chance to organise and his reply was telling me that any solution would need to suit his Monday problem too.

He went on to say he wanted to take the dc abroad in the summer but he needs my permission because I have their passports.

And finally he wants to sit down face to face as he finds emails confrontational and I must also get frustrated and angry.

Then he returns them late tonight.

I spent this morning having an imaginary conversation with the cat (who was amazing and let me shout, swear and cry at her as I pretended she was him.

I’m so tired.
I have a meeting about my absence tomorrow. I was off in December with a bad cold, the weekend with the headache/faint/dizzy thing and the 2 days last month after the baby was born.
It’s likely I’ll lose my next pay rise and get a written warning

I should be sleeping but I need to formulate a response to his email, mitigation for my attendance meeting (arsehole ex probably won’t do it) and reply to my lawyer who I had stood down after the financials were done but who got in touch today to say the divorce papers are imminent.

Pass the gin and/or the sawn off shotgun

And sorry mix not yet. Soon hopefully.

Breathe onit.
My one has recently started to pressure to change our contact schedule to something that more suits him. He too couched it in terms of it being better for the children as well as for him. I said I would consider it, did, and have concluded, after a brief chat with the girls, that actually it's only better for him. Thus I won't be agreeing to it in full, but will offer a small compromise which he can either take, leave or take me to court over.
And that's your answer for him. If you feel it will in any way benefit the kids to compromise then do so-if not, he can take what he has now, or he can take you to court. Up to him. I don't think he will take you to court as it would be so unlikely he would win.
Again how he would prefer to communicate is up to him, but if you can't countenance face to face meetings with him then you cant and that's that. (And I can see why you wouldn't be able to). He is just trying to control things as that's where he is most comfortable. You don't have to agree to it.

That sounds crappy about work. I hope when you chat with your manager he or she will be sympathetic. It seems unfair to punish someone for genuine illness to me.