Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

me too Onit, don't let this get to you, he has the money to take his DC on holiday, it is good for them to experience other countries, food, culture, sunshine. He is allowed the contact in the holidays, so whether in the UK or elsewhere, his influence doesn't change. Hopefully they will go somewhere warm, & swim & play in the sand.....
Just say, Holiday fine, (it will annoy him there is no controlling to be had)
Send off the email, & try & say, "what will be will be",
You are still their rock

nigel I missed your 2 messages. I think we must’ve xposted and I haven’t looked back.

I appreciate the offer of a place to visit. Right back atcha
I will keep it in mind.
I have a few friends down south who I might try to create a road trip holiday. And I’d love to take the dc to London though it scares the bejeesus out of me just thinking about it.
I heard from the big boss today that my appeal will be scheduled for the week after next. At least I think that’s what he said. I will get a letter anyway.
I can’t let it go. If it stands I lose any bonuses (usually 3 or 4 a year) and any pay rise. Not much either way but I can’t afford to not get them.

Is there a union Onit ?

No union mix but an in house rep who’s very good and has helped and will come to my appeal with me.
I should’ve had her at my meeting but I honestly didn’t think this is the outcome I’d get.
As it is she’s found holes and discrepancies all over my record and she helped me with drafting my appeal letter, so I hope they’ll revoke the sanction.

The rep sounds like a star. Good stuff.
I know how hard it will be to say yes to the holiday. But mix's response is perfect-' holiday fine-let me know the dates' and leave it at that...deep breathe and send and then it's done..
Road trip is a great idea. Good to plan something positive for you and the dc's to look forward to...keep going onit.

Sent the email during my counselling session today. And then turned off my email notifications.

Great plan! Worth employing more often.

AS always I am in awe of how well you are dealing with it all. Enjoy the rest of your day, and the sunshine.

Well done onit.
My one has started texting to say 'I'm about to send you an email....' then doesn't send the email for about 5 hours during which time my anxiety is through the roof. I was nearly sick yesterday as a result.
I imagine he is doing it on purpose as I once made the mistake of telling him I find it quite anxiety inducing when I get a long email detailing his thoughts on our divorce/my terrible parenting etc etc.
I think I will have to take the email function off my phone-but that is a colossal pain in terms of living, and also I don't want to be inconveniencing myself due to him and my bloody reactions to him. I feel quite annoyed at myself today for letting him get to me.

Nigel, can you not just send his emails straight to another folder.

Something entitled along the lines of 'youre binned dickhead'.

I do. But I can't block him from sending me texts to tell me he's emailing me so then I'm still sitting waiting for him to do so.

Sorry Nigel, I missed that he text you first.

Can you ask him not to text you to say he's sending an email? Maybe in a puzzled sort of way as in 'not sure why you need to send a text to tell me you're sending an email, but you don't need to bother, the email itself will suffice'.

I did. And he has continued to do it as he's no doubt surmised that it makes me uncomfortable.
I just want to get in bed and stay there this week

I'm sorry you're having a bad week Nigel. It's awful that he has the power to make you feel this way.

Banging on again Nigel. WA/Freedom programme. You are feeling like this because he is (primarily) still in control. They can help you break away.

I know you worry about your DC, and want things to be as "normal" as possible for them. But this isn't it. You at still attempting to manage an unmanageable situation. Much as you did when you were married I expect.

His demands, his responses, his behaviour to you, and also to your DC are not your responsibility. He can own them. I do know myself it is scary to think about changing your response, or even entirely ignoring him. But that is because he has got you believing that through his control/coercion.

The current situation cannot be good for your DC. The way you are feeling today alone is not a good one, never mind the longer term. Sending positive thoughts and encouraging you again to look at what I suggest.

Nigel you’re such an old pro at this so any suggestion seems pointless. It’s like when people say to me with regard to my son - have you tried this that or the next thing? I want to slap them round the chops with a wet cloth and say, now why the hell didnt I think of that? 🙄🙄🙄

until a few weeks ago I had my own version of this malarkey going on but I managed to put a stop to it. Not that what I did would help you as it was same same but different kind of situation and not really transferable.

Do you get time off for Easter?

I am between jobs at the minute-trying to decide which of the two jobs I've been offered to take. Even that is stressing me out no end. One pays less but I'll like it more. The other pays more but is more managerial and like the job I lost when I had my wobble in the aftermath of finding out about h and my friend. I'm just not sure I can work at that level anymore and even trying to decide is spinning me out. What is the matter with me?? The only bright spot is that we are going on holiday somewhere hot the second week of Easter. We really need it, the girls and I.
We are still wrangling about the divorce-finances and more importantly custody, the arrangements for which he now wants to change for no other reason I can see than to fit better around his social life. Thus I can't ignore or block his emails as on the one hand I need the the divorce sorted, and for that we need to engage, but on the other hand I need to find some sort of energy to tell him to do one on the changes to the contact that he wants. I don't want them, and more importantly I don't think the girls do either.
It will be two years tomorrow since I found out and I'm no farther on-I've had counselling and therapy and I just feel I'm going backwards.
I'm sorry to moan. And hijack our onits thread again but I really feel wretched today.
I've had a look at the freedom programme Mrs P,and I might try and do on line.

I think after all you’ve been through and are still going through that it's time to do something kind for yourself and I think taking the job you’d like more would be a good choice to make. You could use it to recover from the horrors of the last few years. And who knows where it may lead you a few years from now? Better days would be my guess and I think that’s what happens - life is shite, you feel as if you’re drowning, then one thing changes and it creates a ripple effect so that everything starts to feel better. I think that’s just waiting around the corner for you.

What do you think would happen if you told him to do one re the contact changes? And is what you think might happen a real possibility, or is your mind working against you? Sometimes when I’m scared or upset, mostly about my son, I ask myself what the worst possible outcome could be and how I would deal with it. And not talking about death when I say worst outcome, that’s not going to happen to him. It’s just other kind of serious issues that can crop up. Anyway, I ask myself what the worst possible outcome could be and I work out how Id deal with it - then I stop thinking about other scenarios that really are my mind getting the better of me. Would something like that work for you?

As for onits thread - she’d be the first to say to you don’t be daft!

I hope you and the girls have a great holiday. 😊

Nigel, stop pandering to him, just STOP.
Like for Xmas, you did it his way, it made you fucking miserable & sent you back to feeling you need meds.
NO, if it doesn't help YOU, it won't help you DDs
Even if they want to play at "happy families", (I said this before) if it makes you unwell, they are going to have to learn that their arsehole father is infact NOT welcome inside your home. you can go for a meal if they really insist, but you can walk away afterwards.
You need to stop bending to everyones wished, you cannot keep it up forever, you will crack up.
Just say to the bastard, actually NO, that doesn't work me.... Tosser

and breath....

nigel I’m contemplating registering a new email address only for him to use.
If I was getting those kind of texts I’d be tempted to buy a cheap payg sim and stick it in an old handset and tell him that’s my new number.
I’ve seen something on Pinterest or similar which shows you a fake error message along the lines of
error306// message undeliverable. Further messages will be charged to your account.
But my thing is now to ignore anything that is unnecessary.
Bf said something at the end of a very long conversation last night which resonates still. He said that while I fret and worry about all lcbs shit and then plot and fantasise about all the shit I want to make him feel, lcb feels nothing.
He wants what he wants.
No regard for anyone else. Not the dc and certainly not me.
Until I can actually not give a shit and remove my emotional attachment/response then he will continue to win because my own head is playing for him.
This was like a lightbulb.
Not necessarily new information but it hit home.
Even if he’s trying to get a ride out of me deliberately, even if I don’t take the bait and ignore or reply unemotionally he still succeeds if I have the panic and stress before I respond calmly.
The only way I win is if I’m actually unemotional and calm.
In our cases (which my bf doesn’t understand the narcissism/psychopathy thing) I believe that while they can even sense the response we have, no matter how we try to disguise it, they feed off it. Like vampires. I think it’s just their way. Like toddlers who misbehave to get attention. The only way is to ignore. But truely ignore. Not pretend to.
Do you get what I mean? I’m waffling now

I am going to employ a fake it till you make it strategy as it has worked in the past.
So not an eye roll, what does the asshat want now, response even.
Just an ok, I have an email. It needs an answer but it’s not urgent, I’ll do it when I get a moment. Oh look, the kettles boiled, kind of thing. Till the instinctive response becomes less and less.
Does that even make sense?

I’ll check in with you tomorrow nigel.
FWIW I’d go with the lower paid, less stressful job. I could do with the money from a more senior role (that I used to have too) but I’ve more or less decided I’m not capable while this is all so new.
When the dc are older I’ll rethink. Maybe even do the college course I wanted to do.
But for now, the dc are small. I see them less than I’d like because of the split. And as they get bigger even when they’re here they’ll be with their friends rather than me.
That’ll be my time to step up or move on job wise.
It’s a slog now but it’s not forever.
And it is 2 steps forward and 10 back sometimes, isn’t it?
But look how far you’ve come. And you’re still here. And if you could’ve seen this the day you found out you’d be amazed.
I still haven’t found my pride in how I got here yet but others tell me they’re proud of me. And I’m proud of you nigel and all you amazing people who’ve got through or are getting there. And are helping those of us still in the shit bits.
If I was drunk at a party with you all I’d be crying and telling you all I love you

But it’s true

*If I was drunk at a party with you all I’d be crying and telling you all I love you.

Can we dance around our handbags as well.

Thankyou all- I do appreciate you listening. Virtually as it were.

How are you nigel?

I thought I’d share some news. I’m taking the dc to meet the bf on Sunday. They seem really excited about it. I’m shitting myself because I’ll be meeting his dc too.
What do I say to 2 teenage boys?
I'm shy at the best of times.

I'm ok I think. Funny sort of day. I've got two lovely friends coming to take me for a pub tea soon so at least I won't be sitting in dwelling. Thankyou for thinking of me.
That's news indeed! How exciting!
Just be yourself. Don't ask them about school, they will think it lame, (my near teens always say it's lame when adults ask them about school) but anything else is fair game xx

Hope you had a nice meal nigel and have had a wee drink to celebrate being free.
You are a rockstar and you deserve to be so happy. Every day that passes takes us all closer to that.
Hugs ((()))