Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

onit do you know from bf what his teens are interested in - music, tv, games console stuff, skating or other sports etc? If you do maybe spend an hour just having a look at what it's about so that you can chat to them a bit about their interests. It's easier if you have a starting point

Lost a long post and about to start work so, short version.

I can do Star Wars/superhero chat .

And I’m now aware of lcb wanting to pursue custody through court.
I’ll cost him thousands and the dc will have to have welfare checks and god knows what else.
I’ve calmed down to a panic but I need a handhold. What next?

Oh onit, just as we think he's reached peak knob, he surpasses himself again. I have no advice but can offer a handhold, and I know you'll get good advice from the experienced women on this thread.

What does that mean Onit?

He’s not happy with the arrangements for contact.
He’s pushed and pushed and now he feels it’s necessary because he’s not getting enough of the holidays.
Also that it should be taken into account t that he lives further away and has a baby now.
Like I should have accommodated his new family as well as his old one.

I honestly wonder what his lawyer thinks. If I were him I’d be poking him and saying “CONSEQUENCES!!!”

So he wants what he sees as more of a fair share? Not that he wants to take them full time?

I’m not familiar with the ways in the Uk, I was confused.

I think you’ll have to just let him get on with it as horrific as that will be. You can’t put up with the constant poking away at you forever and if he does go to court and get some of what he wants he’ll never be able to try and change things because it will be as the court ordered.

And the distance thing works both ways. Just as he can say he lives further away. You can now say he chose to move and as such he should facilitate the visits.

I know you’re in a Panic at the thought of this. I would be as well. And I wouldn’t expect you to be anything else except raging. But, the fact he’s doing this is also testament to how far you’ve come. He never expected to have to do this. You’ve thwarted him Onit and I hope you can find the strength to send him an email before the weekend saying pls go ahead.

And I think you have to do it before the weekend because it will leave him reeling that you’re not arguing with him, on top of the fact it’s the weekend your kids will meet your BF. LCB will be punch drunk. Its a double whammy of the new you. But of course I understand that not living in the UK means I’m not really aware of what is actually a good tactic legally.

But it was his choice to move? What about that does he not understand? Similarly it was his choice to have a baby with a woman for whom he left his wife and existing children. Jesus Christ the level of entitlement...

I would say to him that he must communicate with you in this via solicitor and that you'll
Look forward to seeing him in court. He's very unlikely to win... perhaps it would shut him up for good.

He's very unlikely to win... perhaps it would shut him up for good.

I think It will take the wind right out of sails and even if Onit ends up having to give more access it will be a very hollow victory for him.

Right now Onit is supposed to be doing all she can to avoid court.

And would hopefully cost him a ton of money. Because that seems to be the thing that irks him the most.

The dc told lcb this afternoon that they’re going to meet mummy’s friend on Sunday.

The dc told lcb this afternoon that they’re going to meet mummy’s friend on Sunday. confused

I’m really hoping youre as pleased about that as the rest of us must surely be be even though we’re supposed to be grown ups😜

I did have a wee smile to myself

But I do know I’ll be punished, so I will enjoy it while it lasts.

But I do know I’ll be punished, so I will enjoy it while it lasts.

I know that feeling well what with ours being out of the same mould.

Lol! I'm glad you can still see the humour, Onit, in this ridiculous charade your knobhead ex is starring in.

So he wants to take you to court for more access? Bring it on I say.

My sister never thought her knobhead ex would take her to court, but he did.

It's a different legal system where I'm from, so I can't advise you on that front.

Without going into too much detail, I can say that two years and 5 court appearances later, my sister's ex got jack shit.

He had a partner and junior representing him. My sister represented herself because she couldn't afford legal counsel (knobhead had left her with a mountain of debt).

The whole process terrified her, but she went through it because she had to.

Ex was left with pile of legal bills and she was left with a very hollow victory (because at the end of the day, there are no winners).

Ultimately, it was a good outcome for her as she is no longer subject to his controlling, abusive ways.

You can't live in a constant state of anxiety and fear where a seemingly innocuous email becomes an act of terror. It's not good for your health or your sanity.

Onit, you've handled yourself brilliantly throughout this dreadful time, and I know you are strong enough to get through whatever the future holds.

I'll be thinking of you xx

I agree, I would say "jog on", I think this is an empty threat.
I think you have been more than reasonable throughout, He gets what he wants each time & assumes you will cave.
Let him go to court, any judge would say, "But Mr Prick, when you left with your new mistress, who you so readily got up the duff, & moved to X Town, you knew perfectly well you were making contact with your existing children more complicated. Why should Onit be the one to pay the consequences again ?

Oh, & don't hesitate to remind him that any court costs will be his alone

I agree, and think "jog on" would be the perfect way for you to say it to him . Let him go to court, let him spend a shit load of money, and then let him regret it because surely he won't get any more than the already generous amount of contact he already has. But then it will be official and he won't be able to threaten you or bully you for more.

I'm so pleased the dc told him they're meeting your friend. I bet he's fucking livid . I'm just imagining his thoughts now, knowing that you've been seeing someone and he didn't know a thing about it.

My friend (and ds’s best friends Mum) has just sent me a text that lcb sent her.
Asking if her ds wants to go to his for a sleepover at some point.
He said he’d got her number from ds’ phone.

I suggested she tell him that snooping on someone else’s phone is not the kind of behaviour that she’s expect from someone asking them to entrust with their child’s care.

He has no idea, does he?!?

I would get you rDS to urgently put a password on his phone, LCB is doubtlessly reading any messages from you
re sleepover,3 is not a good number, one child will get left out.
You would think he had enough going on..... or just wants them to play along nicely, so he can leave them to it ?

His phone has a password on it!

Ds said something a few weeks ago about daddy getting in contact with his friends Mum.
I’d warned her he might try to speak to her but I had assumed he’d do that face to face at school.
My friend doesn’t know what to say to him.
Any suggestions? Serious ones specifically but if you have any funny ideas, that might be good for a laugh

Oh I can think of loads
How about, I don't want my child any where near you or bilbo baggins indoors

I'm going to go against the grain and say its perfectible acceptable for a parent to have access to their childs phone. But I do see that LCB having access to it is probably not a good thing on certain levels given he's without scruples.

What does your friend do now Onit? Well, to me its very simple. She says no and if he ask why she just says she's happy with the current arrangements for socialising out of school.

How about she doesn't want her son going for a sleepover in an area she doesn't know and at a house she doesn't know?
I wouldn't have let ours go off to sleepovers in those circumstances, I'm sure lots of parents would feel the same. You want to know where they are, the house, the people who live there etc.

He's a cheeky bugger! Again.

I might be precious because it’s technically my phone. Linked to my account. And I pay for it.
I just hate the mofo so nothing he does is acceptable.
If he saved a baby from a burning building I’d still think he was just an attention seeking twat .

I might be precious because it’s technically my phone. Linked to my account. And I pay for it

Its not being precious but the alternative is you making rumbles about it and him saying ok I'll get him a phone.