Onits owning it! Or at least has an agreement in principle for a mortgage on it ;-)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2787862-Onits-still-on-it-Thread-3

This is thread 4

Almost exactly a year since my opening post on thread 1.

Things are very different for me now.
Mostly better.
My mental health is suffering now and I'm off work while I try new antidepressants which are fucking with my already fucked up sleep.
I think a year of chronic sleep deprivation has ruined my ability to function normally.

LCB is an annoyance at best and a bullying, arrogant arse most of the rest of the time.

I am a very different woman to the one who posted at 2am a year and a few days ago.

My dc are doing ok. This isn't the life I wanted for them. I didn't want to be a single parent. On benefits. In a shitty ex council house.
But, they seem happy.
Dd's birthday today. We had a party at homes and it was enjoyed by everyone, I think.
I remember last year being fucking devastated and, having started rereading my original thread, completely brain dead, because I don't remember much.
Tomorrow is Father's Day and the anniversary of telling the dc their dad was leaving.
It's so difficult looking back on it all but it also helps me see how far I've come.

But more importantly, my dc seem largely unaffected. I know it's early days and I'm under no illusions it won't bite me in the ass someday but...

I have a boyfriend (if a man over 50 can be described that way).
It's not perfect. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I like him a lot. The sex is amazing. We're compatible in lots of ways but I find I'm holding back. He doesn't know the Hal for of what LCB has put me through. And I know his ex broke his heart.
We have issues with distance and incompatible schedules not to mention that he's a rebound guy.

Ah! fuck it! I'm happy! Content even. But I still scare myself thinking about what I had in my house and bed.

Hi Onit, so sorry you are having a rough time ( again, still...). I'm a longtime reader and occasional poster - I don't know if this makes sense but would it work to email LCB and say that the kids have had enough upheaval and it's not helpful to them to keep chopping and changing so you will not consider changing arrangements at such short notice? Perhaps agree to look at arrangements holistically to a set schedule (eg quarterly, termly) when everyone's (really everyone's, not 'everyone's-but-yours') viewpoints and schedules can be considered?

Oh, and tell him that email is your preferred medium as it enables clarity for all parties. You do not and should not have to meet him in person.

Big hugs - keep on keeping on, you're doing great.

A change of approach. Same old attempt at control.

Do what suits you and DC. Make your decision and let him know. By email. And say that is your preferred method of communication. He will be really struggling with not telling you face to face what is happening any more. Really struggling. And again don't get drawn into a online debate.

Can you go to your doctor re work possibly and ask about retrospective sick line given your situation?

You are doing brilliantly. This is why he is upping the ante.

Thanks ladies

I had said to my boss when she said we’d need a meeting that I wouldn’t keep her long as I had no mitigating circumstances but on reflection, I have listed a few things under the heading of depression and anxiety as it is something I have suffered many times before and could be seen as in underlying health issue which would mean it would be discounted.
I’ve noted the various medications I’ve been prescribed over the last year and previously and also that I’m in counselling and been diagnosed there as suffering PTSD which is ongoing (though I am getting better) and which flares up under periods of extreme stress. I think finding out about the birth of the baby would count.
I can only hope my manager has some compassion.
I’m quite teary today still and very shaky.

I’m focusing on this meeting and I’ll figure out his email later.
I really, really wish he’d just leave me alone.

I agree with MsP and UK regarding the content of your reply. Just to add though, keep your reply as short and concise as possible. You don't need to give him reasons beyond a one line "minimising upheaval to the DC" type of thing. And as has already been said, tell him that your preferred communication medium is email and that is what will continue. Once you've sent your short reply then there's no need to engage in further discussion. He'll try though, because that's what he does.

Try to see this for what it is. He's flexing his muscles again, going for a pissing contest. That's all. You can decline his requests if it suits you and the dc better.

Reading between the lines it sounds like the school might be quite well aware of what a knob he is. Funny that, eh?

Hi Onit,

Big hugs beautiful lady 💐. You are doing great under very difficult and trying circumstances.

More white noise from the bleating fucker?

I second what Nige, Mrs P and the other wise women on here have suggested: insist that the children's established routine is maintained and that email is your preferred method of communication.

Repeat it adnauseam if necessary.

He's only ramping up his ridiculous demands because he senses you are getting stronger and he is losing control. Hold onto that thought.

I'm sorry you are having such rough time. He really is a nasty little prick.

I'll be thinking of you and Nige and all the other fabulous women on here who have to deal with this fucking shit. You are all 🏅xx

So what is he saying? he keeps them on Sunday night, does all the extra scholar activities on Monday & then brings them home to you on Monday night. ? every other w/e ?
Sorry if I'm wrong, but this might be an improvement ? you mentioned that the kids were getting car sick.
we knew he wouldn't keep it up for long.
If you don't agree I would say he made the decision to move X miles further away knowing where the DC lived, & where the DC schools are, if now he is finding it inconvenient it is something he will have to suck the fuck up, or forgo his "slot"
You are NOT able to juggle your work schedule at his every whim, & it was already thrashed out incorporating his every demand.
"It does not suit me to change my planning, & I have no time nor see any necessity for a face to face meeting, email works perfectly.

Keep going Onit - wise words from the more experienced!!!
Look after yourself. 🌺

A change of approach. Same old attempt at control

I agree. He knows he's lost control of Onit and whilst he was able to cope for a while he's now unable to and he's floundering. I wonder if the children have maybe innocently said something about 'Mummy's friend' and because Onit has well and truly got one over on him this is the result.

But I also agree with Mix when she says the children staying over on a Sunday night might work out well.

Would I agree to a face to face meeting with him? Absolutely no way. Granted it might be great to call his bluff and have a face to face meeting to prove to him to face to face that he can't control you but the fact is Onit's not sorted enough for that YET!

Onit, I hope thing work out for you at work and you feel better soon. xxxx

Got a written warning at work.
Devastated at the lack of compassion.
Apparently because my depression/anxiety was triggered by an event (the birth of the baby) it is not a recurrent illness.
I am going to appeal the decision but I could do without the extra stress.

I’m trying to reply to his mammoth email and think I’ve managed most of it but I’d like your thoughts on one point.

He wants to take them abroad.
It makes me feel uncomfortable.
He needs my permission, “not least because you have their passports”
How do I refuse? Should I refuse? The dc would love to go away and I can’t take them. But I feel extremely uneasy about giving him permission to do anything because of the constant manipulation.

Help!

Onit, That is very cruel of your employers, you cannot help if you are sick. So in fact they are punishing you for 2 days taken off when highly stressed/unhappy with good reason.

I know you want to keep your DC close, but in reality they will have a lovely sunny holiday (unless camping in Normandy) the X friend will be occupied with the baby, so kids should be able to just be happy kids.
I think you know it would be churlish to refuse them a holiday
What division have you decided upon for the summer holidays? Is this for 2 weeks ? at least he won't be being controlling & manipulating for that time & You can Skype them & stipulate you keep the passports on their return.
Sorry if it's not want you want to hear

I think you should let them go too onit. If he's manipulating then it will be all the time, not just on holiday, and they are exposed to him frequently enough anyway, so in that respect there won't be much difference. That said, I can understand that you will be reluctant to let them go, especially as you can't take them. The only sticking point might be if you feel there is an issue with him being able to keep them safe, or any issues with having OW around them. Although in that case those things would apply when he has them for overnights too.

I think work have treated you badly there. They've shown a total lack of understanding of what depression and anxiety are. Strikes me they (management/HR?) could do with some training in this area. Is it worth getting some advice from ACAS before you speak to your employers about it?

The Easter break is coming up. I wondered if you had any plans, or if you had plans to introduce your dc to your bf any time soon? Easter might be a nice time to arrange a get together with him and your combined children.

It’s not what I want to hear but I need to hear it if I’m being unreasonable or petty.

I appreciate your thoughts.

It’s one of those weeks where there’s not enough hours in any day to get it all done.
I need the easter hols so I can catch up.

You’re not being unreasonable or petty. You’re being human.

Ps - I went with a howdens kitchen in the end and I’m really pleased with it.

Its completely normal to want to keep DCs away form the man who hurt you so badly, & who at one point totally irresponsible with DC
He has not been exemplary. But this is how it is now, you have to make it work. If you wanted to take them on holiday you would shout high & loud how unreasonable he was if he kept passports.
Also no point in thwarting him, you do not want him to go to court over this.

Agree. Not worth battle and headspace over holiday. But politely ask for propsed dates etc. Why not plan some stuff for you and DC at Easter and Summer. Free and cheap days. Will help you feel more in control and less like you are working around him. And good to look forward to.

Re the Monday. Do what suits you and DC. If you do want to do this I'd make sure it doesn't increase the actual time spent with him overall and rearrange accordingly. Don't want precedent set. But do what is best for DC and you as primary carer not to suit his new living arrangements.

Be brief and to the point. And confirm email will continue to be how you communicate. Don't explain or answer his point.

Also he will probably tell DC re holiday anyway. Be ready and don't take the bait. KOKO.

Hi Onit,

I'm so sorry you've been dealt this double blow from both fronts.

I rememember my sister saying to me when she was experiencing similar (after successive weeks/months of broken sleep) that she didn't want to open her eyes in the morning, afraid of what fresh hell the day would unleash.

I'm sorry that your workplace isn't as understanding or supportive as it could be. I'm not in the U.K. so I don't know what recourse (if any) you have.

When things are difficult at home and work, you really do feel like you're between a rock and hard place. I don't have any sage advice, but I know when my sister was at her lowest point, it was hard to convince her that things would get better, but they did eventually, and significantly so, and they will for you too, Onit.

In regards to the children going abroad with the bastard ex, I really think you should let them go, if they would enjoy the trip away, and if it doesn't interfere with existing holiday arragements.

I know it must hurt like hell: of course you wish you could be taking the children abroad youself.

But in letting them go, you wouldn't be conceding to the arsehole's manipulations; you would be doing what you always do: putting the happiness of your children first.

You are doing great Onit (you really are, and it will become apparent in the fullness of time) and we are all rooting for you. XX

I don't think you have a choice on the holiday unfortunately. The man is vile but not a danger to the kids thus if he were to challenge you legally on it as unfair as it is, he would probably win. It's a bloody horrible feeling when they go away and especially abroad. I hate it. But I try to see the positives which are that at least they get a holiday out of it.
Your work have been wankers quite frankly. What is the matter with people? I get that there are policies and procedures but as a manager you also get some discretion about when and where to apply them for God's sake. You said you could appeal? I would if you can summon the energy...
Lots of love to you-remember it's cyclical-a good few months will by Sod's law be followed by a period of dross. But the good stuff will come round again.

And if you fancy bringing the kids down south for a mini break mi casa su casa... London only half an hour on the train so you could do some day trips and what not...I know it's not a foreign holiday but a change is as good as a rest and all that x

Thank you all for the cheerleading.
I’be so much on my plate atm but I want you all to know your support and advice means so much.
I’ll let them go on holiday because they deserve it. I will cope with missing them and the jealousy (because that’s what it is ) of him being able to do that when I can’t.
I’m seeing my rep at work today to discuss appealing the written warning. I have 5 days to do it. Not sure how that wirkd but the rep is lovely and has done it lots of times.

I will keep you posted on the lcb but I’m still working on the reply. I’ll send it tomorrow probably.

to you all and hope the weekend comes quickly

well done Onit, onwards & upwards......

It sucks that Twat gets to play the manificent disney dad, but you are the children's bedrock - their primary source security, stability and constantcy. Your children know this, and in the long run, it is what matters most 👍. Good luck with you work meeting - I'm glad you have someone on your side ☺

I don't know what happened with the emoticons - they don't translate well. Anyhow Onit, good luck!

No shame in feeling jealous of his ability to take them on holiday at all. Totally natural reaction.

I had a proper anxiety attack at work yesterday. So worried about my warning and replying to his email and all the other stuff I have to do, that I got myself all upset.
I’m still totally overwhelmed and had to take the morning to go into work to write an appeal to have the warning overturned.

I don’t know what to do about replying to his email. I have a response written to all except the summer holidays.
I just can’t put the words together agreeing to him taking the dc away.
But I know I have to.

Onit Im sorry you had the panic attack. Are you currently on any anti anxieties or anti-depressants. Would a trip to the Dr help your emotional health. I have a theory that one bout of depression makes a person more prone to another and each time it happens it happens earlier into a bad patch. But thats just my theory and it may be a load of nonsense.

As for the reply regarding he holidays it can be as easy as - they'd love that.

Im sorry its so bloody hard for you.