Suddenly finding myself at the end, after 12 years?

[Flyingmoonpig]

Hello there,

I have been a long term lurker and have never posted! Thought I'd give it a shot and see if anybody might be able to offer any guidance. I feel lost TBH.

Myself and my partner have been together for 12 years and we have three children (8, 5 and 3). My partner is 11 years older than me and also has 2 children from when he was married.

Our relationship had a fairly unsteady start... lots of drinking & taking drugs together, me struggling to get used to dating a man with children, ex wife, controlling mother etc. We were taken with each other right away but life was complicated.

We broke up 2 years into our relationship because he didn't want anymore children and I did, this had been a big source of conflict and we agreed to split. He came back to me saying he'd changed his mind and that he would love to have children with me so after a period of time we got back together.. lots of drama after I'd slept with someone else while we were apart.

Anyway we carried on as usual, going out at the weekends, went on holiday then found out I was pregnant. 1st child born in 2008 (who was very hard work!).

I was studying at the time which made becoming a parent really tough. Other half had lost his home to repossession and was facing bankruptcy. We were skint, stressed & miserable. When he was 2 I accidentally got pregnant after contraception failure and had an ectopic pregnancy, then a few months later I had severe dyskariosis of the cervix.

I had started working and partner had started up a business which was not paying him any money, also stressful. I found myself pregnant again (planned this time) later in the year and had another child in 2012. Found myself pg again when ds2 was 1!!! Bit of a shock but I was happy, partner was not and questioned paternity!

Anyway his business has picked up and for the last few years he has taken wages, I supported household for three years with the help of tax credits prior to this though. It was a v hard time.

We've had some lovely times but a lot of our socialising has centred on drinking (plus drugs in the early days but not for a long time now). I was very insecure from the start because of ex wife and I had just come out of a very abusive relationship which I had no way healed from.

After being v lovely at first OH would change at times, uncommunicative, and inconsistent. If we argued when drunk he would break stuff or hit doors, once he slapped me round the face (but we were both drunk and I was being horrid). He reeled me in but would act sometimes completely disinterested, turning down sex and being very unaffectionate.

There has been a lot of selfish behaviour over the years such as leaving me to wet baby's head after C section, siding with his family over things e.g. When his sister wanted to stay over after I'd had csection and I said only for a night and she got upset.. he had a go at me, doing what he wants to do when he wants to do it e.g. Working all hours, nights out etc.

Perhaps none of these sound that bad but I just find that I feel pretty lonely. He's not outwardly horrible to me and can be really lovely at times. He's v sociable and all his friends and family love him. However in the relationship he doesn't really talk to me, works all the time, and does not help around the house at all. There is no affection between us and this has been absent for years.. in the early days I used to cuddle him and he just acted like he felt awkward, over time it's just started to feel weird.

It's like nothing's that bad that I can say there is a concrete reason but a gradual drip feed of stressful circumstances and me feeling quite unsupported and unappreciated over the years has led me to feel like I've fallen out of love.

Mother's Day was the worse and it's all come to a head since then, am on antidepressants, counselling and couples counselling. We talk in couples counselling but at home he just gets cross if I try and raise a difficult matter or just stares at the tv to avoid it!! He hates me asking him to do anything round the house and said that he works so hard and I don't appreciate what he does do. I also work 30 hours a week in a stressful job and am struggling. I know he is too because his business is really stressful.

It's hard to know how much of my depression is down to the relationship and how much is my own stuff but I am working through this in counselling.. but I just keep coming to the conclusion that we are not a good match. I feel like I'm growing spiritually and in my self understanding and also coming to terms with the abuse from the past but I don't feel like I want to share this with him because he doesn't get me and I've always had a gut feeling deep deep down that it's not right although for quite a while I did think he was my soul mate and we got engaged. However the wedding planning stopped and started and has now halted and my engagement ring has come off now!!

Just wondered what other people would do in this situation? He's not a bad man but is intrinsically selfish without even realise, was moddycoddled by his mum and is crap at communication. I'm probably no walk in the park either but I am trying my best. We have three young children and are being civil to each other. I feel like giving up!

Sorry it's long if you got that far!!!! Summarising 12 years is hard lol thanks for reading xxx

Hi MissCPH. Yes I'd been doing a bit better with the sleep but the events of yesterday left me feeling really anxious. Trying out a new gym with my friend tonight so going to work my butt off in the hope that I sleep better tonight!

I got embroiled in it yesterday and won't do that again as it was completely pointless! However I remained pretty respectful with no swearing or abuse and kept bringing the topic back to the children to get an answer out of him. Obviously an answer I didn't really get - only that he'll have the children overnight once he gets himself into a flat, which I'm not going to push for now. He was being really arsey and I did ask him to collect his belongings and give me the keys and he said no - said that if I get rid of his clothes (which I'd never do anyway) that he will withhold payment of child support.

So far I've had no money off of him but he does have a payment which goes into my account tomorrow which he originally said I could keep (normally used to pay for swimming and save for holidays) - however he said if its a lot he wants some of it in order to pay to set himself up in his new home. I'm worried that I'll give him money and then in august he'll tell me he can't afford to pay and I'll be battling to get money out of him.

He does have them tonight and I have text him to tell him what food there is for their dinner and that they'll need to have a bath before bed (otherwise he won't bath them). He is not happy because me and my friend are trying out this new gym and he doesn't like it.

Well done on managing the boundaries at home with your husband! Its good that you found a fairly calm and workable arrangement that isn't causing too much conflict. Ex and I had gone past this stage already without really knowing it - where we were just being polite (inside I was dying but he actually thought we were getting on really well!!).

As he needs access to the house while I'm at work on a wednesday (and he doesn't have a home to take them to) I guess I'll just have to let him keep hold of the key (would rather he gave it back and I just gave it to him each week when needed but he obviously wants that control) - then when he gets sorted I'll have the locks changed.

I've never tried tapping. Last night I got myself off to sleep by focussing on my breathing and it did work but I kept waking up in panic and was then obviously unable to get back to sleep.

Ah the joys of life!! On the plus side I am actually feeling better in myself - I like myself a whole lot more than I have done for a while and can see the negative impact that the relationship has had on my self esteem and wellbeing. Onwards and upwards!!!

Thanks for your reply Miss CPH hope you are good today. xxx

I guess in his eyes he feels that I have everything and he has nothing - that it was my decision to end it so he's going to make it as difficult as possible for me. So in his eyes his logic is justified and it worries me how punitive he could become with regards to money and the children. xxx

The sooner you get legal advice the better.

Let me get this right...

You work three days
You contribute 50% of household money
You do everything in the house
He has just bought a new car for £17k without even discussing it with you
Consequence of the new car is that you are even further away from managing to buy a house.

What exactly are you getting from this relationship? It sounds awful.

I wouldn't have got past one child with this man because I would have kicked him so hard in the nuts to render them useless.

Wow, he is threatening to withhold child support if you don't keep his belongings? He is being quite defensive and assuming the worst.

I didn't keep up the good work re flatmates - we went out for a quick walk to to get some fresh air, and we were talking, and he said that we could probably carry on as flatmates, and I said I agreed. But then he started talking about how that would be best for me as I would not manage financially on my own and that I need him with the children as I have a problem with discipline. I said that he did not have to worry about my finances and I reminded him that have been the breadwinner before, although it was tough. I said that he also has discipline problems with the children as he over punishes in an attempt to compensate for me. I then said that if we are to be flatmates, then we would need some changes, and that I would need him to not play his entire collection of classical music constantly. He said that I can just ask, and I can have the living room to myself (I have not spent the evening in the living room for 3 years as I can't stand his music, so I am only in there when he is away). I said that I don't feel very welcome. By this point I was quite upset and eventually he said that he was going to his mums for a few days as he can't be around me when I am "like that". Now he is filling out child maintenance forms to see how much he would have to pay. He is quite concerned that he will have to support me with more money than he wants to, although I have said to him it would be minimal, just his share of debts and child maintenance.

So I guess the lesson to be learned from me is that I am still really upset under the surface and that we really don't understand each other. I do try to not go there, but it's just hard. I'm only human.

I really do want to do what's best for the children, and sometimes I convince myself that we could live together as parents and flatmates only. But even for that the basis is just not there. He keeps telling me that my problems will not go away just because I get rid of him. He thinks it's all in my head and it's nothing to do with him. I said that it would really help if one day he understood how hard it is to always be in charge of everything and still being marked "not passed" on my performance.

I'm taking DD swimming now. I

Thank you. I have emailed my friend who is a family law solicitor to to ask her what she thinks and to pinpoint me in the right direction if needs be.
xxx

Hi MissCPH. Yes this situation has brought out all the undercurrent nastiness which I knew was in there but just lies dormant a lot of the time. Throughout this process I can honestly say (apart from a lively couples counselling session last week) that I've not acted in a childish and immature manner - no name calling etc and I have been honest and stuck to the facts, as they seem to me.

I know what you mean about trying to be nice on the surface but deeper down you really don't understand each other. This is definitely me and ex - he tried desperately to be nice in order to look like we could be on the same page but scratch beneath the surface and the huge clashes are still there. He's so selfish and misogynistic and I really don't need that in my life (or the kids - it was only a few months ago that DS1 was sat on the sofa and I asked him to help me with something - he said no because it was women's work and men sit down on the sofa!!!). I hope that in ending this relationship I might be able to bring this cycle to a halt perhaps as I want my children to grow up to support equality.

Do you really think you could live as flatmates only, when theres so much hidden hurt and resentment? Do you worry that the children will grow up to think this is how normal relationships are? Also what would happen when you were ready to start dating again?

My ex was saying exactly the same as your husband - that it was my mental health that has tricked me into seeing problems in the relationship that weren't there and that I'm the one with the problem. The thing is that since he has gone I have continued to feel more and more healthy in my mind than I have felt for a long time. Don't get me wrong, this is really hard still, but my own insecurities have significantly lessened and I'm starting to feel happy in myself. Ex doesn't like to see this as he resents women with self confidence and sees it as big headedness.

Hope swimming was good! I'm at work today and am absolutely shattered! xxx

Hi Flying, I hope you got some sleep? I did, I did a short yoga session and then I used EFT for sleep, and it worked! It crazy to be at a point where I am just so grateful for a decent nights sleep, something I always took for granted.

I do sometimes wonder if it's all in my head, and that is at least half of the truth, I guess. Whenever my DH is behaving in a manner that is not right to me, I guess I have allowed it by putting up with it and staying with him. I honestly feel that in the last many years he has only been with me because we have children together and for the services I provide. And I have not taken the bull by its horns and talked to him. I have let it go and I have made myself more and more miserable. I guess I thought I had to, because of the children. I am still terrified of telling them and making them unhappy, I fear that they will hate me.

• the main point here being that it's very important for me that I don't exclusively blame my DH for the breakdown of the marriage. I have not been able to communicate my needs in a rational, productive way, I have mostly gotten upset when I didn't get the reply I wanted. I have not stood my ground enough and I have avoided conflict and let it simmer and bottle up inside myself. Also although I have really tried to support DH during difficult times, I have simply not had the strength to do it well, it has been too much for me. I have tried and failed. I wish I had said "Sorry, I can't do this, it's too much for me", rather than bang my head against the wall.

I keep thinking about what you said about trying to be nice on the surface but deeper down you really don't understand each other, and it's so true, yesterday was a classic example, we start out quite nicely discussing things, but quite quickly I get really upset as I am not getting anywhere, we end up where we also end up, not understanding each other and desperately fighting to get our point across. It's just not going to work.

So in answer to your question, no, it's probably not a good idea to be flatmates long term. It will probably cause me even more pain.

I am quite confident that the holiday will be okay, but I do have to give up the dream of being understood. It doesn't help that I get really upset, tearful and angry whenever I try to explain my self! I guess that's who I am to him, someone upset, tearful and angry.

That's horrible, that your DS1 even know the term "women's work"! This is not what you want for your children! I am very lucky that my sister's partner is very close to my DC, as he is a very caring and modern man, so my DS does have him as a role model as well. I hope you also have men in your family that could be role models for your DC?

Hi misscph! Glad you managed a good nights sleep.. the tapping obviously worked!

I had more sleep than the night before but stayed up later than I should have done just to get some me time! I posted loads of old pics on fb and ended up chatting to my exbf (one before the really abusive one) who I adored but he moved away and broke my heart.. he apologised for everything and said how lovely I was! It was so nice to hear and slightly healed the broken-hearted girl deep down inside who had turned to drugs and bad relationships after he had gone. It was a really nice conversation! Anyway I slept solidly for a whole 5 hours which is better than nothing!

About your husband... I think there's quite a significant portion of men who just carry on despite not being happy because it's easy and they might not think about things as much as us anyway? And like you say you've raised the bar as to what's normal through doing everything...

I have done this too, to the point of breaking myself and although I have complained, politely asked, for help etc it has never been met.. I realised with my ex that no matter what I do he will not notice but will resent me if I continue to ask for assistance. If I work my socks off he doesn't even notice.. this part of him is so like his dad.

I think when you realise that deep down you're on completely different pages it starts to feel impossible... it's just a surface level relationship and not even one that that's good.. our surface level was polite and fairly aloof, with a bit of a connection when drinking. Almost total abstinence and lots of therapy has showed me how little we have on common in real life.. plus I'm a very affectionate and loving person but he isn't and we don't evoke that in each other. He views me, and most women, with a subliminal mysoginistic lens and I cannot live with that. I too have lost respect for him over the years which is fatal for a relationship.

A hmrc officer came to the house today with an enforcement letter... demanding immediate payment of 10k for unpaid vat. Deep down I've known that it's always hanging in the balance and I know I can't go through debts and liquidations, bailiff stuff again. However I must admit despite what a tit he's been I do feel a bit sorry for him... he's lost his partner, kids, home and now the business is taking a hit. It's a crappy hole to pull yourself out of and it's only 8 years since the bankruptcy. However it also highlights that he's a bit of a financial risk and I've always known this TBH. For eg buying that expensive car only a few months ago despite work situation being strained.

The problem is that you and your husband.. as did me and ex, get into a very unhealthy dynamic and he may see you as tearful and angry but it is likely that the nature of the relationship contributes massively to this. The last couple of days I have felt amazing, free and also not paranoid about myself.. it's like the subliminal control in the relationship ate away at my self esteem and now he's gone it's like a weight has been lifted.

Regarding male role models... well not really!! There's ex who is either unhelpful or begrudges helping.. however I wondered if this may improve when he's on his own as he has to get on with it.
There's his dad... errrr no!
My dad when he visits drinks all day and expects to be waited on hand and foot although loves the kids and does play with them.
My brother is a god finding man who is trying to improve himself but has long standing mental health and drug problems and continues to commit financial fraud.
My other brother is a functioning member of society but only sees the world in his way and is very selfish (e.g. Asked me for money towards a big pressie for nephew on his birthday and then didn't even get my daughter a card!).
Ds1 will have a lovely male teacher next school year though so that's good!

Have gone on sorry! Really hope you're ok xxx

Hi Flying, I sent you a PM xx

Just thought I'd post here again...

Having a dark couple of days. It's been 4 weeks and 2 days since my ex moved out and there have been so many mixed emotions. Initial elation and a huge sense of freedom. Frustration over contact and him not having them overnight and him using the kids to control my whereabouts. E.g. Won't look after them if he knows I want to go to the gym.

Some better more amicable days where he's just being really reasonable. He had the kids today while I worked (Wednesday is normally his after school day anyway). He took them to Toby carvery and sent me a pic of the kids with their icecream.

Sat here tonight wondering what on earth I've done. Oldest ds really struggled when ex left tonight and had a total meltdown. I think I handled it well but I felt so awful for him... so upset and angry.

I just feel so lonely. I enjoyed getting the house in order at first but now it just feels like a ghost town and it all reminds me of our life together. It's really hard staying on in the home actually and I feel like I want to change everything (but cannot afford to do so and I know the kids like the familiarity).

I have this guy hitting on me at the gym and I keep telling me to leave me alone, that I'm not interested and he says it in a jokey way but is so persistent..: I seriously don't even fancy him anyway and never will.
I honestly feel so weird inside as well, like I've no femininity left inside me and I can't imagine ever being with anyone ever again. I fancied this man at the gym for a whole year... like he totally awoken something in me (lust lol) that I hadn't felt for such a long time. Now I feel desolate. Not that I'm in any hurry but I feel like the demise of the relationship is all my fault because of my weirdness.

Odd post and sorry to moan but just needed somewhere to vent. I feel like it was all in my head and maybe I got it all wrong.

Hope all mumsnetters are ok xxx