Suddenly finding myself at the end, after 12 years?

[Flyingmoonpig]

Hello there,

I have been a long term lurker and have never posted! Thought I'd give it a shot and see if anybody might be able to offer any guidance. I feel lost TBH.

Myself and my partner have been together for 12 years and we have three children (8, 5 and 3). My partner is 11 years older than me and also has 2 children from when he was married.

Our relationship had a fairly unsteady start... lots of drinking & taking drugs together, me struggling to get used to dating a man with children, ex wife, controlling mother etc. We were taken with each other right away but life was complicated.

We broke up 2 years into our relationship because he didn't want anymore children and I did, this had been a big source of conflict and we agreed to split. He came back to me saying he'd changed his mind and that he would love to have children with me so after a period of time we got back together.. lots of drama after I'd slept with someone else while we were apart.

Anyway we carried on as usual, going out at the weekends, went on holiday then found out I was pregnant. 1st child born in 2008 (who was very hard work!).

I was studying at the time which made becoming a parent really tough. Other half had lost his home to repossession and was facing bankruptcy. We were skint, stressed & miserable. When he was 2 I accidentally got pregnant after contraception failure and had an ectopic pregnancy, then a few months later I had severe dyskariosis of the cervix.

I had started working and partner had started up a business which was not paying him any money, also stressful. I found myself pregnant again (planned this time) later in the year and had another child in 2012. Found myself pg again when ds2 was 1!!! Bit of a shock but I was happy, partner was not and questioned paternity!

Anyway his business has picked up and for the last few years he has taken wages, I supported household for three years with the help of tax credits prior to this though. It was a v hard time.

We've had some lovely times but a lot of our socialising has centred on drinking (plus drugs in the early days but not for a long time now). I was very insecure from the start because of ex wife and I had just come out of a very abusive relationship which I had no way healed from.

After being v lovely at first OH would change at times, uncommunicative, and inconsistent. If we argued when drunk he would break stuff or hit doors, once he slapped me round the face (but we were both drunk and I was being horrid). He reeled me in but would act sometimes completely disinterested, turning down sex and being very unaffectionate.

There has been a lot of selfish behaviour over the years such as leaving me to wet baby's head after C section, siding with his family over things e.g. When his sister wanted to stay over after I'd had csection and I said only for a night and she got upset.. he had a go at me, doing what he wants to do when he wants to do it e.g. Working all hours, nights out etc.

Perhaps none of these sound that bad but I just find that I feel pretty lonely. He's not outwardly horrible to me and can be really lovely at times. He's v sociable and all his friends and family love him. However in the relationship he doesn't really talk to me, works all the time, and does not help around the house at all. There is no affection between us and this has been absent for years.. in the early days I used to cuddle him and he just acted like he felt awkward, over time it's just started to feel weird.

It's like nothing's that bad that I can say there is a concrete reason but a gradual drip feed of stressful circumstances and me feeling quite unsupported and unappreciated over the years has led me to feel like I've fallen out of love.

Mother's Day was the worse and it's all come to a head since then, am on antidepressants, counselling and couples counselling. We talk in couples counselling but at home he just gets cross if I try and raise a difficult matter or just stares at the tv to avoid it!! He hates me asking him to do anything round the house and said that he works so hard and I don't appreciate what he does do. I also work 30 hours a week in a stressful job and am struggling. I know he is too because his business is really stressful.

It's hard to know how much of my depression is down to the relationship and how much is my own stuff but I am working through this in counselling.. but I just keep coming to the conclusion that we are not a good match. I feel like I'm growing spiritually and in my self understanding and also coming to terms with the abuse from the past but I don't feel like I want to share this with him because he doesn't get me and I've always had a gut feeling deep deep down that it's not right although for quite a while I did think he was my soul mate and we got engaged. However the wedding planning stopped and started and has now halted and my engagement ring has come off now!!

Just wondered what other people would do in this situation? He's not a bad man but is intrinsically selfish without even realise, was moddycoddled by his mum and is crap at communication. I'm probably no walk in the park either but I am trying my best. We have three young children and are being civil to each other. I feel like giving up!

Sorry it's long if you got that far!!!! Summarising 12 years is hard lol thanks for reading xxx

You will experience guilt and doubt as you were the one who told your partner that it's over. And there will be set backs.

Don't worry about whether your partner is narcissistic or you are co-dependent, you don't need these labels!

And just in case you don't know (you probably do), dividends do count as part of income, so even if your partner takes dividends and a minimum wage, both are income when you look at maintenance etc. He just pays less tax on dividends.

Well I went to the counselling session... it was a battlefield! He said exactly what he thought - said he had been emotionally rejected by me over the last few years as I have not understood or supported him in his work which has been really stressful. Said I was abusive when I leave him long lists of jobs to do when I go out (hand on heart I do not do this!!! Sometimes I will say 'can you do me a favour and tidy up the lego' or 'can you move the washing upstairs') - said it was like my dad who used to check for dust.

I'm sorry but that is NOT abuse! Simply asking for a bit of help. He said he thinks that all I think about is the house and kids and that his work means nothing to me. I said it did and as far as I could I have supported him - asking him how his day is, looking after the kids evenings and weekends so he could work more hours etc.

Said he still does not get mothers day and that since I've done my domestic abuse course and had counselling its all changed. He said that I'm very intelligent and able to manipulate the situation to look like I'm right. I said I am trying to understand his position constantly but there are still things I don't like in the relationship which aren't my things to take responsibility for. I said I don't like his anger and gave examples of the things he's said - even the counsellor said 'well we all say things in anger', so I feel now that he will feel exonerated in that.

Grrrrrr will post again later but have to leave work now. xxxxx
Thanks for the reply misscph. xxx

So in essence the counsellor agreed with your partner? What did the counsellor say about you wanting to split up but your partner not taking your seriously?

I honestly don't think you will get anything out of telling each other off in the counsellor setting. Perhaps you could ask for a meeting about moving forward, not dwelling on the past? Is the counsellor male by any chance?

(I'm beginning to appreciate that my DH does not want to go to counselling! He has actually totally accepted that I no longer want to be married to him)

How is it abuse to that you ask your partner to help in the house? Of course your partners work is important, but it's HIS job, not yours.

Yes basically we were both saying what we thought and to me it felt like he was minimising the anger and how it makes me feel. I quoted him and said how it's swear words and belittling the rape and she said 'we all say things in anger'... I pointed out that that might be fine for some people but it's not for me and it hurts a lot from the person I'm supposed to be closest to. When he said me leaving a list of things that needs doing is abuse I should have said calling me a c* is abuse!!!!

The counsellor is female and is very nice but I had reservations on the 2nd session when she kept calling me by a completely different name and couldn't remember how many children we had.

I feel she tries so hard to be balanced that she missed things which many deem to actually be unacceptable. Maybe I'm just looking for confirmation of my own position and I'm just being a princess about it all but I do think the anger is unacceptable and he should be told that he might need to explore that further.

I went to use it as mediation really and a lot of stuff got aired and at least I was able to see how he really sees the situation.. whereas all the niceness and apologies recently has left me second guessing myself. I feel more resolute in the decision making process.

She did pull him up on him saying that I can't have it every which way... e.g. Ask him to leave then come see the kids and I go off to the gym.. I highlighted that the kids just want to see their dad and I don't have to be around at that time, hence I can go to the gym and do some exercise!! But he doesn't like it.

I don't understand the abuse thing and the support of work, well maybe I wasn't overly enthused when he worked for 3 years for no money, having to deal with the resulting conflict with his ex wife etc whilst he didn't even say thanks or he understood how difficult it was. I became resentful. However I always ask him how his day is and free him up to do extra time.

It's such a mess. He is staying here tonight. But no arguing.. I'm making cakes xxxx

If the counsellor can't remember your name and how many children you have, then she is not reading her notes prior to the counselling, and basically she is not counselling you. (my counsellor always comments in a way that assures me that she can remember what we have talked about). I think that is a deal breaker for the counselling (my DS went to a speech therapist group for children who stutter, and after one hour of playing name games, the therapist still had no idea what the 3 children's names were. I didn't come back).

I think you are wise to see it as a session where things got aired and perhaps you both gained some understanding of each other. Your partner does not think that the anger is a problem, but you do. He does not feel supported by you, but you think that you have given all that you can. Etc etc. Accept that this is how things are, and that these problems are why you no longer want to live with your partner - none of you are satisfied in the relationship, and none of you want to give more than you already do, and it's not enough. End of story, time to go.

Enjoy your cakes! Keep up the no arguing. I'm sure that the counselling cleared the air for now.

I have had a lovely day working and getting even more tanned in my lunch break, and now I am going to break my own rule and have another drink the day after ;) DH is not back till tomorrow, I'm making the most of it. I am so much more relaxed when he is not here.

I will be checking in again later.

Yes it did annoy me about her not remembering my name. I thought hmmm red flag but true to form thought let's give her a second chance! On another session we were talking about our past relationships.., I talked about my 3 year relationship then 2 two year ones. And her words were 'oh no significant ones then'.. err yes they were actually very significant to me thanks!!

Yes the session definitely exemplified the issues on both sides and we both see intentions and motives that maybe aren't there because the communication is so bad! I haven't been able to work out whether ex is just really not understanding or whether he's highly manipulative!!

He's being über nice now. Just bought a take away and got chocolate from the supermarket.. I am accepting but not relenting lol.

Your day sounds lovely! Are you having a gin tonight? Enjoy the nice relaxed atmosphere at home while u can :) xxx

Red flag indeed, trust your gut feeling, this counsellor is just not really present (I am also quite likely to know something is wrong instinctively but still carry on. I'm getting better at it though). Of course relationships of 2-3 years are significant!

Vodka and bitter lemon here. It's been really hot, over 26 C.

Coming weekend is DH's birthday and MIL is coming down. She's a lovely woman and DH has told her, but she's unlikely to bring it up, thankfully. Me and DC have bought a very thoughtful present and I have even reminded my dad and sister that it's DH's birthday. I think I am being very good!

I think you said you were going on holiday this summer, is that still on? I am, going for 3 bloody weeks, I think I will be fine, but you never know. We are both bringing laptops and doing a bit of work, so we will be going out with DC in shifts, thankfully.

They say you should never go to counselling with an abuser. This is why.

If you absolutely definitely want to go to counselling, then find a counsellor of your own who specialises in abusive relationships. Take him to that one.

I wouldn't go back to a counsellor who did not remember my name. She's shit.

Highly manipulative abusive people often really do not understand the true situation. They are exceptionally selfish, they genuinely believe that their needs are massively more important than yours. They do not understand that you are equal. This leads to them being highly manipulative and abusive.

Imagine for a moment if his world view is that he is a supreme god and you are a robot built to serve (kind of a household appliance). Now go back over everything he said. All of a sudden it is completely logical!

You are failing as a household appliance, his supreme lordship is not getting absolutely everything he wants, ergo you are in the wrong, you are a defective household appliance and he wants you to get fixed, the counsellor is helpfully pointing out that you are defective so maybe you will get fixed and he will get his handy appliance back working again. He is so happy. Totally logical from his point of view.

Thanks misscph.. think I was a bit lead on by the fact that my counsellor recommended her, plus I've never done couples counselling before so didn't know what to expect.
Sounds like you're being v positive and grown up about the next few weeks plans.. hope you manage to get through the holiday ok! Also good that your mil is polite enough not to make any rude comments. We've got mil and sil, plus my mum coming over tomorrow. That'll all make for a nice atmosphere given the current situation!!!

We are supposed to be camping with some other families and then later on going away to a cottage with friends. Am thinking of just doing it all on my own, think it might be awkward if we are all together! There will be people around to help so in theory it's doable???! Or am I just mad lol.

Hi runrabbit! Yes it was a bit of a car crash and I was so shocked that violence and verbal abuse got normalised. Maybe she could see me being very vocal about my feelings and was defending the sweet and calm man who's with this mad and aggressive woman? This is the first session where I actually said what I think. But TBH I needed a space to really say and she did agree that we should be going our separate ways as the conflict is not good for the children.

He wanted me on the antidepressants and my own counselling but then didn't like it when I started to really identify the things I'm unhappy with (and have been unhappy with for a long time on and off). He thinks my counselling is faulty because it confirms my own theories which are wrong (how can my own ideas of what is right for me personally be wrong?). We haven't discussed today's session. He is downstairs working on his laptop and I'm seeing to a lively 3 year old who won't sleep!!!

I brought up that he was so quick to get away before bedtime last week, plus turning up extremely hungover to take the kids out, but yet he wants 3.5 days a week custody? Plus I pointed out that I've offered him to have them overnight at his parents while he sorts his own accommodation out but for the second week running he's going out with friends? He said I can't have it every which way I like. He's renting a two bed flat for the same price he could rent a 3 bed semi, but wants the kids 3.5 days a week (3 children)... not sure that would be comfortable, 3 kids in a two bed flat for half of the week?!

Xxx

Ok so he's been super nice all evening, bought me chocolate and making tea.. trying to make small talk and discussing the fine details of ds's presents. Said he wanted to talk about couples counselling and that he doesn't want it to get that nasty again. Then asked me if I wanted some affection........ errrr no thanks.
Kept making inuendos then I got him a duvet and said he could sleep on conservatory sofa. He said so I can't sleep next to you then? ....... errr NO!!!
Then made another comment about getting it on saying he's in for a penny in for a pound and might as well have one last go. I said you really don't know how women's minds works i.e. The last thing I want to do right now is sleep with him.. for goodness sake I've spent the last 1.5 years fantasising about other people! So here I am in bed getting worried that he might appear at some point tonight. Brilliant xxx

OMG, I can't believe he was trying it on! It really is all about his needs, like rabbit pointed out (spot on with the "failing household appliance", btw, my DH has complained about the service for years).

Did he disturb you again last nigth, Flying?

It's a bit confusing that the counsellor seems to be on your partners side, but still agrees that you should split up.

I think it's important to remember that a counsellor does not witness your home dynamics, she/he only has your/your partners version of it. They are never going to truly understand it. What they can do is listen to you and give you some advice, they can never tell you what's right or wrong or who's fault it is. And it does help to talk to a professional who (in principle) is unbiased. But at the end of the day, you have to sort your own problems out and make your own decisions.

I know! It felt very odd and freaked me out a bit. He consistently was trying it on and obviously didn't want to sleep on the sofa. Looked like he was getting a bit of a kick out of the chase. He didn't disturb me during the night thankfully but DS1 was seriously excited so was up and down till midnight!! I am so tired today as DS1 was then up from 5:50am.

I was in the shower this morning with the door closed and he walked in, saying its nothing he hasn't seen before and was looking for the kids toothpaste (which is always in the downstairs cloakroom). Made me feel quite uncomfortable. However he goes about it all in a very childish way which is never going to entice me anyway!!!

Yes the counsellor is only getting a snapshot and ex does present really well. I do feel that verbal abuse and violence has been ok'd in the context of anger and he will have taken this message on board that its acceptable. I'm not going back now, unless he pays for one more session as simple mediation. I don't think he will continue with any therapy/anger management now that he knows our relationship is truely over.

Got family coming around tonight for DS's birthday tea and then tomorrow he's got a party and mcdonalds with his friends and a friend staying over in a tent and ex is in there with them so that I can be in the house with the little ones. Ex is not staying tonight though thankfully!!!!

I am so worn out!! Thanks for the reply misscph. I am back at work for a few hours now (my safe haven!!). xxx

You must be exhausted. I know what you mean, I love my work, there's no conflict! I think I would lose my mind if I didn't work.

I hope you DS has a lovely birthday, good luck xx

Normally there is no conflict in my work at all. However one of my colleagues who is also an old friend is here today (our hours do not really cross over all that often) and we are not speaking. This is because I was offered an increase in my hours and so was she but I got awarded the lionshare by my manager as a performance based decision. She is now not talking to me (after I've tried to communicate with her) and there's quite a lot of conversation in the office but not between me and her. Awkward. And I could so do without any atmosphere at the moment. I HAD to take those hours and made the decision solely based on my need to support my family but I think she feels I colluded with the manager in order to get them, which I did not do. However I didn't ask him to offer her the hours because yes I did want them.

Another rant over!!! I need a holiday.

Thanks MissCPH have a lovely day. I need to sort out some sort of food and also make another cake and ice the whole thing later on! Busy times. xxx

Well I've practically spent the last 3 days with ex because of sons birthday! It's been tiring but we have been amicable. He's tried to woo me back using his fairly limited repertoire and TBH I feel nothing apart from a bit of pity.. does that sound awful? He's stated in such a heartfelt way that he wants to fix it but I just cant go back.

Yesterday turned out to be really difficult. Ds1 having had hardly any sleep & obviously feeling upset and confused by the situation (in addition to the stress and excitement of it being his birthday). He was so tired and clingy last night, kept breaking down in floods of tears (he is quite emotional anyway). Ex couldn't understand why??? Errr.

Anyway he did not stay last night and we had a v calm morning. Then a birthday party with ds1s siblings and friends which was lovely. Ds1 ds2 a friend and ex are sleeping in the tent having a midnight feast. Ex agreed to it with enthusiasm but now looks thoroughly hacked off with the whole thing.. I am tucked up in bed lol.

Ex spent the evening on his laptop and phone, barely interacting with the kids and it just made me feel even more sure in myself about things. Tired now! Glad his birthday is over and that he's managed to have such a lovely time today xxx

I was wondering how you were getting on, Flying. It sounds like the birthday party went really well under the circumstances, well done!

I've got my MIL over here, it's going well, but I have slept badly most of the week and last night I woke a 3am and that was pretty much it. I have had a lot of work on, so that must be partly to blame, but tbh I have slept badly for about 3 years now, I have had very low stress resilience since we moved house 3 years ago, where I also had a big fallout with my mum (she's quite neurotic and difficult), it was just too much all at the same time, and my stress resilience just never really recovered (in spite of yoga, meditation, swimming, all kinds of supplements etc). I think it's partly peri-menopausal, but mainly about how I handle things - I don't think I do too badly, but there must be a problem somewhere! It's not great, as I really need to step up my income, but I pay for it with bad sleep.

This morning I am catching up on work. I dont really mind it, and I will try to get it done by lunchtime, as I really need some down-time!

Oh, and DS had a celebration assembly yesterday, and we were 3 minutes late and of course he was the first to get his award so we missed it :( Rather that just say "what a shame" (and be thankful we weren't as late as the 3 x other parents who arrived as the ceremony was finishing), DH was blaming it on me! I told him that although I agree it was rather rubbish of us, either of us could have said to leave earlier, that it wasn't my personal responsibility. I also reminded him that I was at DS' sports day and karate grading last week, none of which he attended.

Hope you slept well?

Hi misscph! Sorry it's been so hectic round here. I will post tonight once kiddies are in bed as am currently cleaning for my 93 year old grandad! Xx

Thanks misscph..
The birthday did go pretty well TBH which is fortunate given the circumstances.

Sorry to hear you're not sleeping.. is it awkward with mil there? I imagine the relationship stress doesn't help the sleep. Over the last few months my sleep has been absolutely horrific! Am sleeping better now (although have crazy antidepressant dreams) and have noticed a real improvement now that ex has moved out. Perhaps when things change in your relationship you might find the sleep improves?

Your husband sounds like he was being a bit of a knob about the assembly! How ridiculous that he blamed you.. these things happen.

I've had a pretty good weekend.. obviously ds1s party and sleepover on Friday night and was pleased when ex left on Saturday morning. Then stayed at home on Saturday and one of my oldest friends came round and fixed all of the things that had been left two years ago in the en suite! Ex was supposed to redecorate and fix the deals etc and never did it.. so my friend did it for me and now yippee I have a lovely en suite that is just for me to use :)

Last night my mum came round and looked after the kids.. I went to the gym and for a swim then went to my friends house for a catch up.

I offered ex the kids overnight last night but he declined saying that he was going out with his friends and staying over.. that he'd have them for the day today instead (fab commitment from the man who wants the kids 3.5 days a week!).

I asked him to come for 9:20 so I could do a spin class and he got angry saying that's just about meeting my need. I was going to see my grandad in the same town where his parents live and he asked me to drop the kids there!! I said I'm not doing that as I wanted to do a bit of exercise and see my grandad later on after doing things around the house.

Anyway I said that I thought he might like the full day with the kids so therefore it would meet all of our needs if he collected them early (then I can get on with my day and I had a lot to do). He told me not to use the kids to manipulate him and that if I did that 'it won't end well'.. I simply said that I was just trying to do a class and that he could then have more time with them.

Anyway he turned up at 10:40, being all nice and showing me lovely quotes about pulling together through the tough times. I am so far away from wanting to be with him as I have ever been!!! He's so against any form of control that he made the morning all about his timing. He was out getting drunk again yesterday but didn't seem as hungover as last week. Then took the kids out for the day with his family and brought them back this evening.

I had a lovely day after he'd gone.. painted the skirting boards in the en suite and the radiator, went for a run, made a spag Bol, cleaned my grandads then my mum made me dinner! I just felt really free and it feels amazing!!

Hope you're ok misscp and managed to have a nice weekend xxx

Hi Flying, good to hear about all the practical things you are doing, it sounds very familiar ;) I think it's psychological, wanting to get those things done, and I think it's healthy, you are tidying and clearing on so many levels.

From what you write about your weekend it seems that you are only having confirmed why you no longer want to be with your ex - he is defensive when you are giving him what he asked for, ie. time with your DC. I am guessing in his mind you are using him as free childcare. That is so wrong. My DH can be similar, if I ask him to do something specific with the DC, he accuses me of "finding him jobs".

My weekend went well. My MIL is very nice and she is a good "buffer" between me and DH. He had a few glasses of wine (not drunk, just merry) and was very nice and attentive, but I didn't engage. He had a nice birthday, and we all enjoyed ourselves. He did really appreciate that I was on my best behaviour and made sure everything was in order. I was quite pleased myself, but overall I am so tired of always being the project manager AND the executive, it's very hard work.

Anyway - you sound very calm! It's good to hear that your mum is looking after you, you so deserve that.

I did sleep better, thank you, but it's still not great. I have booked an appointment at a chiropractor who is also a kinesiologist, as I have had back pain for the last 2 weeks. I am hoping the the kinesiology might help with my horrible PMS. It's quite expensive, but I have justified it as I am taking a break from the counselling.

Hi misscph.
Sorry for the late reply.. struggling to find anytime at the moment. Well done on the birthday front, sounds like you got through it well! Good that you mil is supportive. Hope the chriropractic treatment brings you some relief. Are you getting on ok without the counselling? I'm taking a break in august which I think will be good.

I cannot sleep.. I feel over tired and wired. Tossing and turning in bed after a really tough day. Horrid text exchanges with ex over contact with the kids.

I'm basically asking him to see them and he's resisting. Asked him to have them on Saturday night (3rd weekend now) and after two drunken sat nights out he says he has plans this weekend (he is also away for 4 days over next weekend).

Asked him to have them tonight so I could attend counselling and go to the gym but he was so arsey about it. Told me it's all about having my selfish needs met and that I'm probably seeing someone at the gym. I said that the kids simply miss him so it would be a good opportunity to spend time with them esp as the split is still so recent: he got v nasty about my intentions, said I'm using the kids to get what I want and that if I make him feel guilty then it will escalate! So threats now as well which is nice. Won't give me my key back to the house and refuses to take his stuff yet. I told him not to bother and my mum came over and helped me out... felt like I was on the brink of being totally overwhelmed by the whole situation!!

He's having them as usual tomorrow and I told him last week I'll be later back as I'm heading to the gym with my friend as she has day passes for a David Lloyd near me... however even though it's his night he's not happy and said he wants me back at 6:30 so he can view a flat. I told him no and that he'll have to take the kids with him!!!

Won't have them overnight at the weekend as he has plans and also said that I am a mother of three and can't have the social life of a teenager... I simply need a night off because full on single parenting of 3 children is sooooooo hard...

Anyway he's being really horrid. Says I was never a vulnerable young woman (far from it he said) and he just confirmed the deep rooted hatred for me and women in general that I always knew was there. I really really dislike the man but also a bit worried because he's clearly in attack mode now and is 100% using the kids to control me, which is so unfair on them.

Sorry to rant... I am stressed!!! Xxx

Urgh just thought I'd post again as I'm awake again! Managed to get about an hour before waking up in panic. Back to this again which is rubbish because my sleep had started to improve.

My ex has said some really horrible things. The following point are all messages from him today.. it's been going on all day:

...To be honest my biggest concern is the kids and your mental health. Probably not a great combination.

...I do want them overnight, unfortunately arrangement for this weekend were made already. And I'd love to hear you replies whatever they might be, might hear the real you make an appearance.

...Doesn't come across like it was that difficult. Some of your comments have come straight out of therapy. Sadly it looks like your £30 a week has directed you towards deciding our relationship was rubbish, and don't say it isn't because it clearly has. Comments saying that at 23 you were vulnerable and at 11 years older I took advantage is straight out of counselling.

...Believe me you certainly weren't vulnerable, anything but.

...You've got it so wrong. You think you have all the answers but sadly you are so wide of the mark. It's very sad and almost laughable but your decision. 2 degrees does not make you the Font of all knowledge, and in this case just extremely misguided.

Back to me now.. if he's that concerned about my mental health and the kids why isnt he trying to have them more/arrange overnights etc???! I'm am sooooo glad that I've left him and am free of all this rubbish. He has belittled my rape and laughed at my vulnerability at a time when I'd been through such horrendous abuse... but doesn't see it and thinks he's a ok and that the problem lies with me.

The other thing that happened really early on in our relationship was that I found expired links to a certain type of porn that would be a deal breaker for me. I left him then but he woo'd me back saying that they must simply have been pop ups from viewing normal porn. There were about 10 links in the recent section on his laptop. This has always been unresolved for me despite how much I've tried to tell myself it wasn't true and tried to see the good. He's so inconsistent with a distinct inability to take responsibility for anything, and this being a deal breaker, of course he'd never admit to it.

He makes my skin crawl. Xxx

Don't have any more counselling. See a good lawyer instead.

Ditto see a lawyer. If you can, take down a screenshot from his laptop with the vile links on.
for you and keep writing it all down, people like him bombard you with so much rubbish it's often hard to recall exactly what actually happened. If you've a record, then you KNOW it's really not you. Folk like your EX are all about themselves - had other plans for the weekend AGAIN. He didn't expect or sadly want to take his DC for the weekend. Yeah, can totally see how his DC are the most important people in his life. He knows if he has them then he has to be a proper dad, play with them, control his temper and actually think about their needs not his own. He also knows it would give you a break and that's not allowed in HIS world, because in his head, he's blameless. You've only brought this on yourself .
In your shoes though, if the links on his laptop involve anything happening to children I wouldn't allow him to have the DC overnight.

You're doing a brilliant job, your DC will really appreciate it one day I promise. My DC are all grown up now and are extremely happy I didn't buckle the day their dad, during an access visit, burst into tears begging for another chance. He was hysterical and so were the DC. It was heartbreaking the DC pleading to have Daddy back, to 'forgive him mummy cos we have.'

Folk like your X have always been around, you or I can't 'fix' them because really, they don't want to be fixed.

Best of luck Flying

The web link thing happened right at the start of our relationship.. when I pressed on them it said link had expired. He flatly denied it and said it must have been from a pop up window. However he never takes responsibility for anything so over the years I've become increasingly uncomfortable about it.

He is truely so intrinsically selfish and is really showing his true colours now that we are in this situation. He was trying to woo me back over the last few weeks through being really nice, saying that he'd access his own therapy/anger management etc but I haven't trusted. Now that it hasn't worked he's being really horrid.

It really has astounded me his lack of ability to see beyond his own nose but now I am really starting to understand. His true character has no depth to it - he is a paranoid, selfish shell of a man who wants to look good to other people but doesn't care about upsetting those close to him. I really am so happy about my decision but am worried about how this moves forward and seriously only got about 2.5 hours sleep last night. Am at work now and he's having the kids after school and this evening as I have plans. But he worries me as I can't trust him and its all unquantifiable and he is making it all about my mental health.

xxxxx

I am so sorry to hear that you are sleeping so badly, Flying, this is probably a symptom of the pressure you are under at the moment.

I think you might benefit from not having any expectations to your ex. Think of yourself as a single mum with no ex. Avoid engaging too much with your ex, don't ask him to have the DC. If he does have them, that's all it is, and if you can make the most of that time, then that's great.

If you stop engaging and only speak with him on a basic, practical level, you should suffer less.

(it's not the same situation, but I am actually doing really well here since I stopped having any expectations in regards to my DH. I am not as disappointed and frustrated. We are parents and flatmates at the moment)

I think you should change the locks to your front door if he won't give you back his key.

Also, about the porn, I get why it's upsetting, but leave it be. It's a long time ago, and it's not going to change anything. It's just more negative energy.

Have you tried EFT/tapping? Perhaps try it to clam down at night? It works quite well for me.