Suddenly finding myself at the end, after 12 years?

[Flyingmoonpig]

Hello there,

I have been a long term lurker and have never posted! Thought I'd give it a shot and see if anybody might be able to offer any guidance. I feel lost TBH.

Myself and my partner have been together for 12 years and we have three children (8, 5 and 3). My partner is 11 years older than me and also has 2 children from when he was married.

Our relationship had a fairly unsteady start... lots of drinking & taking drugs together, me struggling to get used to dating a man with children, ex wife, controlling mother etc. We were taken with each other right away but life was complicated.

We broke up 2 years into our relationship because he didn't want anymore children and I did, this had been a big source of conflict and we agreed to split. He came back to me saying he'd changed his mind and that he would love to have children with me so after a period of time we got back together.. lots of drama after I'd slept with someone else while we were apart.

Anyway we carried on as usual, going out at the weekends, went on holiday then found out I was pregnant. 1st child born in 2008 (who was very hard work!).

I was studying at the time which made becoming a parent really tough. Other half had lost his home to repossession and was facing bankruptcy. We were skint, stressed & miserable. When he was 2 I accidentally got pregnant after contraception failure and had an ectopic pregnancy, then a few months later I had severe dyskariosis of the cervix.

I had started working and partner had started up a business which was not paying him any money, also stressful. I found myself pregnant again (planned this time) later in the year and had another child in 2012. Found myself pg again when ds2 was 1!!! Bit of a shock but I was happy, partner was not and questioned paternity!

Anyway his business has picked up and for the last few years he has taken wages, I supported household for three years with the help of tax credits prior to this though. It was a v hard time.

We've had some lovely times but a lot of our socialising has centred on drinking (plus drugs in the early days but not for a long time now). I was very insecure from the start because of ex wife and I had just come out of a very abusive relationship which I had no way healed from.

After being v lovely at first OH would change at times, uncommunicative, and inconsistent. If we argued when drunk he would break stuff or hit doors, once he slapped me round the face (but we were both drunk and I was being horrid). He reeled me in but would act sometimes completely disinterested, turning down sex and being very unaffectionate.

There has been a lot of selfish behaviour over the years such as leaving me to wet baby's head after C section, siding with his family over things e.g. When his sister wanted to stay over after I'd had csection and I said only for a night and she got upset.. he had a go at me, doing what he wants to do when he wants to do it e.g. Working all hours, nights out etc.

Perhaps none of these sound that bad but I just find that I feel pretty lonely. He's not outwardly horrible to me and can be really lovely at times. He's v sociable and all his friends and family love him. However in the relationship he doesn't really talk to me, works all the time, and does not help around the house at all. There is no affection between us and this has been absent for years.. in the early days I used to cuddle him and he just acted like he felt awkward, over time it's just started to feel weird.

It's like nothing's that bad that I can say there is a concrete reason but a gradual drip feed of stressful circumstances and me feeling quite unsupported and unappreciated over the years has led me to feel like I've fallen out of love.

Mother's Day was the worse and it's all come to a head since then, am on antidepressants, counselling and couples counselling. We talk in couples counselling but at home he just gets cross if I try and raise a difficult matter or just stares at the tv to avoid it!! He hates me asking him to do anything round the house and said that he works so hard and I don't appreciate what he does do. I also work 30 hours a week in a stressful job and am struggling. I know he is too because his business is really stressful.

It's hard to know how much of my depression is down to the relationship and how much is my own stuff but I am working through this in counselling.. but I just keep coming to the conclusion that we are not a good match. I feel like I'm growing spiritually and in my self understanding and also coming to terms with the abuse from the past but I don't feel like I want to share this with him because he doesn't get me and I've always had a gut feeling deep deep down that it's not right although for quite a while I did think he was my soul mate and we got engaged. However the wedding planning stopped and started and has now halted and my engagement ring has come off now!!

Just wondered what other people would do in this situation? He's not a bad man but is intrinsically selfish without even realise, was moddycoddled by his mum and is crap at communication. I'm probably no walk in the park either but I am trying my best. We have three young children and are being civil to each other. I feel like giving up!

Sorry it's long if you got that far!!!! Summarising 12 years is hard lol thanks for reading xxx

Thanks springy I'll look into it. I feel like such a fool being in this situation, a supposedly intelligent person who has suffered bad domestic violence before, even when he's slapped and pushed me I just tried to forget it and move forward because it didn't seem consistent with what I knew about him. My ex was a total nutjob and it was only when he seriously assaulted me and set fire to my car that I managed to get away!! The penny has finally dropped that the abusive behaviours are still him and I don't want to live that way.

It's like I can't expres myself as he just doesn't get me or seem that interested in what I've got to say. There's a lot of bubbling anger beneath the surface and things are perhaps better nowadays because I avoid situations and conversations that could lead to conflict. Anything that touches a nerve and he's v defensive and angry about.

Misscph yes I'm thinking about staying at my mums. I spoke to her earlier and she said that we are welcome anytime so that's nice. That's really interesting about the transactional analysis and this is very much the role I'm trying to play... the calm adult, not getting angry or arguing. He doesn't like it and throws insults around calling me a c* and other things (this always happens in arguments with him). I'm definitely not reactive as I was in the past and am quite good at keeping my cool now, think the antidepressants are helping with that as well.

I am trying iamthinking.. I think I just try so hard to explain my position in the hope that he'll understand but I'm deluded if I think this can be achieved now. I was hoping for a mature approach to this but it's not looking likely. I need to accept my own reality and it's different to his but that doesn't mean he's right.

I really need him to go now although I'm not sure how tonight will pan out. Thank you sooooo much for all the replies you have really helped me through this. He actually makes me feel really uncomfortable and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone like that, totally messes with your head xxxx

It's nothing to do with intelligence, though. It doesn't operate on that frequency - it operates on a far more deadly frequency.

Btw I'm SO angry your ds was subjected to that abuse.

You seem to take it in your stride? It is entirely unacceptable and your boy needs to be removed from that environment with immediate effect. Today, tomorrow. Not the end of the summer.

I'm not sure you get it op.

I'm sorry about that, I don't want it to come across like that. I think I'm still in shock to be honest. I've been hoping that this could be sorted out amicably. Ex partner has told me that he's seeing some flats next week. If it kicks off before then I will be taking the kids to my mums xx

You have to remember that I also have three children to consider with all their things are routines based here.. I need him to leave this house. If it escalates again I will leave temporarily until he has a flat (although am worried I won't get back in here if I do that) xx

Sorry or call the police! As I said earlier... I am taking this seriously x

He's already kicked off.

I'm not telling you off - or I'm trying not to. You're in it, up to your neck in it, and you don't see it. Out here, it's clear.

Your kid/s are being abused by a bully. It is terrifying to be exposed to someone committing violent acts in our presence. Your son is a child and can do NOTHING to save himself. You are the adult, your role is to protect him - you CAN do something about saving him.

I get it but also am trying to hold it together peacefully until he goes and not leave him on his own with the kids. I'm trying to manage this carefully and in the best interests of the family.. it's ex partners birthday tomorrow which the kiddies are looking forward to. However if it escalates there will be an immediate change. He's just quiet at the moment but has spoken about looking at a flat. We are still in the same bed... that's how quickly it's all gone down the pan! Literally gone from crap to awful in a matter of days xx

Well I hope he does actually follow through with the flat plan, I hope it is serious and not just talk.

Me too.. trying to sleep last night was horrendous. Am going to have to sleep in with the kids or on the sofa tonight. Kiddies loved giving him his gifts this morning. All feels very weird, but I defo know this is over.

Just need to figure out how and when to tell the kiddies xxx

Ok so he just came upstairs while I was getting ready and asked whether we could sort it out. I said no that this is the end and we now need to try and work through it for the kids.

He didn't shout but became nasty and said that he wants 3.5 days a week with the kids (shared custody) even though it's likely he'all be in a 2 bed flat. Anyway I said that I didn't think that was fair given that he is struggling with ds1 and has recently shed things in front of I'm. He said the only reason that happened is because of me.

He told me that unless he gets 3.5 days a week he'll call my employer and tell them that I used to take drugs and try to lose me my job. He also pointed out that if he doesn't get the 3.5 days a week he'all have to give me money.

He refuses to believe that I'm not having an affair and thinks I'm really promiscuous after having a one night stand when we were separated years ago. He thinks I'm mental, just like my family and am making a huge mistake. I said that his destruction of things when there's conflict scares me and he totally belittled it, saying it was nothing to end a relationship over.

I think I need legal advice. He did say he is going to stay in a hotel xx

I totally get that he doesn't want to lose his kids and the stakes are high. It's awful for everyone but I do not think shared custody is in the kids best interests. Xx

Flying, he is so not in touch with reality, he is using you as his scapegoat.

He does not want 3.5 days with the kids, he just doesn't want to give you any money. And the threatening with calling your employer is so low!

I suggest you keep telling him that he will not lose the kids and that he is still their father. It may not be what you want to say, but if that's what he is worried about, it might have an affect.

Sorry OP, I know this is awful for you but he is such a cliche we should play separation "Bingo".... he wants 50/50 shared care (to save money)...you are mentally unstable....what comes next?
I suppose at least he hasn't used the "you're an unfit mother" line (yet?).

I'm remaining very calm and asking him to focus on the wellbeing of the children. I know his bottom has just fallen out of his world but I have seen the menacing side of him before in arguments and he can be really nasty.. he calls me names and criticises all my family and previous misdemeanours (even though he also used to take drugs as well... only I was 23 and he was 35!).

When he threatened me with getting me sacked I pointed out that that my ex did the same thing before seriously assaulting me.. almost like trying to take away my successes and achievements because I'm a woman? When he gets nasty he really puts me down and treats me like I deserved the abuse I got from my ex, he sees me as fairly strong so thinks maybe I don't feel scared when he kicks off (which I do and I've told him so before).

If this can remain civil I would be happy with one day and night a week and time during the week as well and would like it to be amicable and friendly eventually in the best interests of everyone. Or every other weekend and time during the week as well.. but we have to take one step at a time here and things need to have calmed before contact can be decided upon.

His family are here now and he's drinking wine in the garden.

Thanks misscph. Am hoping he's going out tonight. Xxxx

No iamthinking he hasn't said that yet. I guess it's a very emotive time so he's pulling every tactic out and as upset and angry... but upon him doing so I see the nasty side that I know is there but bubbles beneath and every so often he lets rip.

I witnessed a drunken fight between him and his dad 5 years ago at a family party and it was brutal. They really went for each other. No one in the family ever talks about real matters and everything just gets swept under the carpet resulting in these outbursts.

Genuinely I really do feel awful for him because I think emotionally he was never given the appropriate skills to be able to deal with life. He has gone out now but started crying before he left and I've started thinking 'what am I doing'? 'Am I the most evil person in the world. All this history, 3 children and some very happy times, maybe I am just mental.

But in my gut I've always had doubts and don't want to marry him so whats the point, especially as I'm always slightly fearful of another outburst. I really really don't want to take his kids away from him but ultimately he feels like he's losing everything and he doesn't want that. He wants me to stay his partner but he does not know how to take part in a mutually supportive relationship. He can be really patient at times and I think that maybe I've painted a monster because of everything I've said, but he really can be a really loving father and he really loves his kids.. But doesn't know (unless led) how to enjoy them and be in this relationship.

Am making it sound likes it's all him which of course it's not. I am trying to take responsibility for my part in this too but feel my judgement has been so clouded over the years because it's always just been about surviving, plus then drinking at the weekends and never really having a clear head.

Mother's Day was so poignant to me because it just showed me what I've known all the way through and every time i see his family it confirms it.

So sorry to write so much but I am very very stressed out right now. Must get kiddies to bed thank you soooo much xxxx

When he says things like wanting the children for 3.5 days a week, you don't have to argue or debate. You know perfectly well that he absolutely will not want to have them that much in sole charge of them. He's trying to wind you up and it worked.

So, all you have to say is something bland like "That's nice. When you've got your own place we can work out the details."

Call your employers? Don't even respond.

Your children will very likely benefit from moving house. Your house is full of bad memories. There's a door with a patch of unpainted filler to remind everyone that he punches when people don't jump to his tune. There's a cupboard with plates, he punched one in front of DS so DS would know that his own body could be that plate next time. DS has to be in special groups at school for his problems.

Give them a fresh start in a place they don't associate with their abusive violent father. A place where they don't think he might walk through the door. A place where they've never seen you be treated like a slave.

Flying, I totally understand your doubts, I think that is only normal. I have them too. Because of course it's not all bad. But if you think about it, is there enough good? Or perhaps the bad is so bad that it doesn't weigh up the good?

It seems to me that you DP has not grown much as a person unlike you. You seem like you have really thought this through and you are not blaming, you are concluding.

I have personally found that I was dreaming of an ideal relationship, and ideal version of my DH and of myself, and I could always find an excuse that reality was different.

You do not deserve the nastiness you describe. It's normal to have arguments and say things you regret. But it's not acceptable that he calls you names, criticises you and your family and brings up wrongdoings in the past.

Can you go to your mums, you said you had called her and she said it would be fine? Have you told her about the current situation?

Do you have anyone IRL you can talk to who knows your DP? I have told my DS, and although of course she is biased, it's been a great relief to talk to her.

Runrabbit.. I didn't argue with him but just asked him to put the children's needs first. But you're right when he's ranting like that I should just agree. His mother is a total control freak and would probably offer to have them so he could have them 3.5 days a week! I didn't really respond about the threat to call my employers... just pointed out that that's something my abusive ex did and he seemed almost to belittle the abuse I experienced...

Have toyed with the idea of moving but worry that too many stressful events at once could be really difficult for the kids... daddy leaves, move house, start school all at once? I'm so sad reading that about my ds1.. he is a truely lovely boy but young in his year and v sensitive, finds it hard to fit in with all the more boisterous boys (which is fine with me as long as he is able to make and sustain friendships).. the school are fantastic with him and we have a very open line of communication. I am trying my best but this is truely horrendous.

Partner has gone out now and is probably going to be paralytic when he comes back.. using alcohol as a coping mechanism and as it's his birthday I think he's just pressed the self destruct button. I'm a bit worried about how he could be later when he comes back but I will just go to bed with ds1 in a bit after our film finishes.

Thank you for your message xxx

Hi misscph how are you doing?
I relate to what you say about a fantasy of the perfect relationship. We went out for drinks with friends last year, fab night, but at the end my friend was looking at her husband and said 'I just love him sooooooo much' and they were so cute together. Me and partner when out, have a laugh together but I wouldn't say we would have a natural flow and I would often find myself making conversation as he didn't really seem to have much to say. Sometimes awkward but often guzzling wine or gin and then the alcohol would carry the night, same as if we were sat out in the garden together. I never had that sense of contentment and fulfilment and the physical side of our relationship has varied so much... sometimes surprisingly lovely but often very predictable and quick and he never wants to cuddle afterwards, always keen to get his pjs back on. I feel my natural sexuality has become a bit blocked because there doesn't feel like there's a natural chemistry between us. This has fed into my own issues with sex which go back to the previous ex. Sorry lots of info, just getting it all out there as I think!!

Yes he defends himself when he's been really nasty saying he was drunk or that that's what happens in arguments. But rarely says yes I'm sorry about that it was wrong. Our earlier arguments fuelled by drugs and alcohol were quite vicious both ways but I never was physical, I wonder if this being the norm has allowed it to continue into the present day, despite it being a very rare occurence nowadays. But then I don't really give reasons to cause rows... I was doing all cooking/shopping/packed lunches, paying half the bills and working part time so doing most of the childcare, planning all birthdays christmases holidays days out etc, plus covering for weekends because he was always so busy. Have learnt not to mention stuff that rattles his cage I guess so really important matters and unresolved things have never been resolved and he's always so good at sweeping things under the carpet and moving on (well not really because it always comes out later).

I am going to my mums tomorrow for the day with the kiddies but she lives about 40 mins away so I'll have to come back as kiddies have school and I have work on Monday.

Thanks misscph.. feel like I've opened a whole can of worms and it's all very messy. It's good that you've got your sister to talk to. I've spoken to 2 of my friends and my mum. Soon to be ex partner hasn't told anyone really although did say to his mum to go easy on ds1 as things are difficult at the moment... she'd smacked him when he'd been 'insulent' as she called it when looking after him and I was really upset about it. No doubt when it all hits the fan this is all going to be my fault and I'll be viciously blamed like his exwife was when she left (despite him having thrown a bloody lamp at her!!) xxx

OP They all say that about wanting the DC 50/50. He won't really. He won't want the stress/responsibility, no matter how much money it saves him.

It's a strategy to try to make you cower and be kicked back into line. He knows you won't want that and thinks you will agree to stay with him, but you have MN now and you know better.

Just keep repeating that it's over, and say yes, we will have to agree all of this in due course.........

I can guarantee that if you can make him think you have plans for the childfree time you will have, he won't be nearly as keen!!!

Thanks happypoobum (good name!). Yes I'm hopeful that he was just being nasty and using it to manipulate me. Just makes me dislike him even more... there's no way I could go back now after everything he's done and said. But in his mind it's all justifiable because he's the victim and I'm the nasty selfish woman taking everything away.

When faced with his vulnerability I do feel massive empathy and also guilt but I do know this is the right decision. Thankfully he is actually staying at a friends tonight and I feel so much less anxious.

Such a stressful time and so many emotions.. fear, guilt, anxiety, sadness, then excitement and hope. The thought that I won't have to feel disappointed at not being supported or worry about the niggling feelings that something's not right.

I so need a holiday!!! Xxx

Oh flying have just caught up with your thread after being away. I'm so sorry to hear how this has escalated for you all. It does confirm your gut feelings were right though.

You sound like such a lovely empathic person. Unfortunately though he like your ex had trampled on your good nature and has gone way too far, way too often because he knows you'll try and understand him rather than walk away, which you'd have had every right to do, so many times.

I do think you need to value yourself more. There's no way this is your fault. Him accusing you of having an affair is such low-level deflection it's not worthy of a reply. How awful for your son. And to make you feel bad when it was his failing is just so twisted it beggars belief.

I know it's hard to unravel it all but please, time to raise your bar and kerp all that kindness and empathy for you and your DC. It's not your fault he can be violent and self medicates with alcohol. Yes it's sad but staying with him won't fix that. Only he can do that.

Definitely get some legal advice. If you're worried about him getting angry maybe say you need him out while things calm down so you can think. Then get the ball rolling with legal advice, freedom programme, and lots of rest x

Sorry for typos, feelings took over!

Hi lurking! Nice to hear from you and hope you had some nice time away..

It really has gone so far over the last few days and I can see how in the past having just let things go and moving forward has created a culture of acceptance. But I didn't really know it at the time.. it just didn't seem to make sense (but obviously the gut feeling was there telling me it was wrong). Also I feel really guilty because I used to be really angry years ago and used to lose my temper quite a bit with ds1 when he was a toddler. He was a really challenging child who never slept and I was at uni then working and getting very little support from partner who was doing his business every hour of every day and not taking any money (or even talking to me about it because he was too proud). I feel so guilty that my stress has created some attachment issues in him (plus when I was pregnant I was in counselling with severe anxiety and processing the trauma of abuse from ex partner) so I think this also affected him. If I did lose it more than I should have done I always said sorry and there was a great deal of positive parenting as well, but I feel so guilty.

Thank you for saying about self value.. I'm coming to that realisation now. I've had really poor self esteem for years and present as really confident and strong but have quite severe anxiety, issues around sex and trust and periods of depression. Current relationship has not really helped in that respect either I'm afraid.

It became really nasty when he made the threat about my job.. I told him that's what ex partner did just before he raped me and he'd already made some awful comment that 'did I like getting raped' while being angry. Just horrifying really as I'm writing that all down.

He came home earlier to see the kids before we left for my mums and we spoke quietly and privately in another room. He's begging me to reconsider and wanted me to cuddle him. I told him that there last 3 months for me have been absolute hell as Mother's Day triggered a cascade of trauma and I have not known what on earth was going on.. but I see now that Mother's Day was a trigger of old trauma but that my deterioration has been very much about this relationship.
He's been skating my family a lot recently so I laid it on the line about his.. that he has a controlling and dominating mother who at the same time acts like she needs nothing from others (making herself insignificant in terms of people meeting any need she has), plus a very angry and emotionally withdrawn father (mother is also emotionally unavailable)... that the parenting he has experienced has exactly contributed to the person he has become and that he needs to start his own process of personal growth in order to reflect and make some changes.. otherwise he'll continue to create the same mistakes.. I also suggested anger management. He sat there and took it all.. I wasn't mean and pointed out that I am and have been working through all my stuff and he can't sit there and point the finger thinking everything to do with him is a ok!!!

Anyway, his proposal of splitting custody is simply absurd and I do not want my children spending half of their time with an emotionally incompetent father who coparents with his mother. I pointed out that 50/50 would not be in their best interests but I want him to access help (therapy/anger management) and we could work together as friends to coparent our children to the best of our ability. He could pick up from school and see them a lot, have a day and night at the weekends once I feel confident that he's doing ok? I feel if he just takes them 3.5 days a week because he misses them and just wants the control then they will really suffer.

Sorry for the essay my feelings took over too!!!!

Thanks for your reply. Xxxxx