In our 30s, he hasn't made a move, sexually frustrated lol

[Dipsy86]

Been going out with my new boyfriend for over 6 weeks. We have seen each other basically every second day since we met! (we knew each other before, he isn't a stranger, known him since we were teens). We have been on about 3 "proper" dates per week, then coffees and lots of walks in between these dates. So we have seen each other A LOT!!

We definitely have that spark, he constantly tells me how attracted he is to me. He is always holding my hands, stares into my eyes and tells me how amazing I am etc. IT is really lovely. We have kissed a lot too. He is 33, I am 31. But I am now getting extreme sexual frustration lol to the point where it is starting to bug me. There has been ample opportunity for him to "try it on" and he hasn't. He has been at my house multiple times and i often think "this will be the night" lol and it doesn't happen. Instead he will just keep kissing me. He isn't a virgin, has had previous girlfriends, even one night stands (even I haven't had a one night stand lol).

I mentioned it last week and he said "oh we have plenty time to be doing that and get to know each others bodies etc, I don't want to ruin this and am enjoying taking this slow". I then said "you won't ruin it". I am past that stage now lol, I know we are both in this for a relationship. But I am literally at the stage where I can't take it anymore and it is actually awkward now as I am like just make a move on me after 15 minutes of solid kissing.

I mentioned it to some of my friends and each of them said they thought it was really odd, how much we have seen each other and no sexual moves have been made. I do not feel confident enough to make a move on him sexually as in my experience it is usually the guy that would initiate this first. I have laid plenty hints now and he knows how I feel.

He even told me he had even been to the gum clinic last week. He said "I want to start this relationship properly". Which is really sweet and I totally respect it. However, naturally I want to rip his clothes off lol.

What are your honest thoughts on this?

Ahh, poor guy, sounds like someone I know through work, he is the loveliest guy, true gent etc but then has banter similar to that of your love interest, silly humour about big dicks etc. (Although openly admits he has t had sex for three years) He comes to me for relationship advice sometimes me I feel for him I do, I wish he could meet someone lovely but is incredibly shy when it comes to making a move. He is handsome and down to earth with a lot going for him but it is this that always lets him down bless. Although I couldn't be bothered with it either!

I just don't think you are right for one another in the sex drive department and this is probably best for you both. I think you have been patient and not unkind to him so hope he takes it on the chin. You can end a relationship for any reason you like you don't need anyone's permission!

What HildaOg said

@HildaOg I know, there is clearly something going on. I'd say what we have been doing is companionship. I told him I'm happy to continue doing that if a good film comes out or he wants to go for food or something. But I did say I don't think this is working in a romantic relationship capacity

Btw. Thanks everyone for all your help on this. I have really appreciated it. It has kept me afloat when I have felt I was drowning a bit.

Is it wrong that now it's basically ended with him that I completely miss my ex? We ended 3 months ago and my heart and head have been broken ever since. Since meeting new guy it was a good bit of distraction and I could have done with the sex haha but nevermind.

That's v interesting about the autism thing. DHs best mate has ASD and has never had a proper girlfriend really, just women who stick around for a bit and then give up, and this is despite him being very good looking, intelligent and wealthy. The public snogging thing made me wonder - DH's mate seems to think that there is a particular way to act with what he calls "my girlfriend". But he also has very little filter between brain and mouth and kind of lets slip what he's really like. It's very confusing I imagine, for the women around him.

Incidentally he also uses prostitutes quite a bit, he says because he understands the interaction better. So the gum clinic made me wonder too.

I think he's being honest. He's not very experienced. He's totally into you and has been attracted to you for years. He is really terrified of screwing it up. He is like a deer in the headlights, and can't make a move. Just scared. Immature sex talk from being so inexperienced and hanging around young builder types.

If you actually like him a lot, maybe invite him over to talk, and you make the moves. See how he responds. See how you respond too. Then forget it if that doesn't work.

Ah you're heartbroken on top of all this. The last six weeks must have been twice as hard then.

I think it's totally normal that you're now thinking of your ex. This disappointment could have triggered the previous one.

Is there anyone else on your horizon. Someone suitable to provide the transitionary post heart break sex?

He said I don't know to why he did not explain how scared he was by text. But he said the reason he hasn't made moves is just being scared and afraid of screwing up something he wants so much. I think that might well be all it is. Just scared. Because he hasn't had a relationship in so long, wants one so much, and likes you so much. Maybe he had a touch of aspergers or something else too but really this simple explanation could be the whole deal. It doesn't have to be anything more. I feel sad for him. He needs someone who can make him feel comfortable and make the first moves. Once he has some confidence he might be a stallion. Of course not having confidence is not very attractive, but after so many years of not having a relationship I can see why. And because he likes you so much it makes him much more wimpy.

I think BengalGal is right about him. Poor guy.

I agree with Bengal too at this point. At least you have an answer!

It's possible he's on the spectrum too. As someone on the spectrum myself I don't find it at all offensive that this might cross anyone's mind.

People with AS can have sensory issues which mean intense touch can feel uncomfortable or even painful. Or on the other end there's me who really likes a lot of sensory input so I like sex. But I do know that some people with AS really don't like sex.

The fact I'm on the spectrum makes it quite difficult for me to find the right person for maybe different reasons. I usually can only successfully date other people on the spectrum. I'm considered good looking so NT people are initially interested in me and after a while they think I'm 'weird' because of my obsessive thinking and ways etc

Anyway I digress. But that could certainly be one of the reasons. I'm sorry you're heartbroken from a previous relationship- that must be confusing.

It's good that you have an answer at this point though.

Dipsy, Bengal makes a good point.

How would you feel about inviting him over for the night but be clear and explicit to him that it was only to sleep and no sex. This may make him relax a little and get over the first hurdle of being naked together?

That's if you want to try at all now?

Or do you want your ex back? Or should you remain single for a while to recover from ex ?

It doesn't sound like Aspergers to me having worked with people with it. But I'm not going to contradict other posters who say they are AS and recognise his behaviour. But in general I think it's too easy to put labels on people.

I think you have to let this go OP. Obviously, after your break up, this guy was a breath of fresh air because he was being 'romantic'. But at 33 if this can't translate into asking you for sex, it's odd. Most men no matter how shy find their testosterone takes over and they just go for it!

I agree that 6 weeks isn't long, but you've not answered all the questions here about was it 'just' snogging or was there any touchy feely over /under clothes too?

if it was just kissing and he was afraid or unwilling to have a feel, I think it's a no-goer. He's either gay and in denial or incredibly shy in which case you'd be put in the position of being his 'teacher' - none of which is very appealing.

I also can't understand how he got into one night stands when we assume he'd have to be pretty full on, yet is unable to do anything physical with you.

He sounds pretty mixed up to be honest.

Sorry, but it's messing your head up- walk away.

He's a virgin. I'd put money on it. I'd also put money on a previous fumble ending in premature ejaculation before getting his clothes off, which is why he won't 'grope'.
The big dick/ons/GUM clinic stuff is bullshit. If he was honest about it I'd say give him a go but the prevarication - no.

One night stands are not such a problem for him because there is no desire for or fear of messing up a much wanted relationship. Or prostuitutes, same deal. No strings, no fear. We don't know if he lied about anything. I doubt he made it up about the clinic, why would he? If you like him give him a chance, otherwise let him go. I think we've all been a bit harsh on him really. He's just a shy guy. Might not be a virgin or gay or anything like that, just terrified because he really really really likes OP and wants a serious relationship with her so very much.

Uodate: I said to him I feel like we are friends that just kiss etc. He said "I kinda feel the same, but I have been a wimp and avoided so many situations to make a move". I then said I get the feeling you haven't been honest with me here and you practically ask to see me every day but have had no intention of progressing this.

Also just last week he made a big show of it by updating his relationship status on facebook. About 20 people commented on it saying "about time" "so pleased for you", enbarassingly some of his mates said "oh you're not in tbe closet then"

Anyway today he has said yes I'm happy to be friends. Communicating with him on an adult level is VERY difficult so I'm happy with that, I doubt I'll see him again. I'm not that bothered, probs my pride that's a bit bruised

Don't worry Dipsy. The right person is out there for you 💐

Very strange. He liked you, he must have had some strange reason, but he wasn't able to say it. I'm sure his pride is more bruised than yours, he's just saying he's happy being friends to save face.

Ps, I think a lot of guys would say the not in the closet comment about a mate, weird male humour, it doesn't necessarily mean they really think he's gay.

I still don't think it adds up, is he Jay from the Inbetweeners

I'm glad you've finished with him it seems the right thing to do as even if things suddenly changed I think it would've bothered you because he has shut down conversations and disregarded what you wanted to say. He will hopefully learn the error of his ways, he can't help being nervous (if that's the reason) but he can avoid sounding like Johnny Big Bollocks and sending out mixed messages and he might have a functional relationship next time.

You'll have no problems OP you sound top! Onwards and upwards!

The sad fact is he has done nothing in reality to stop you from walking away. He's shrugged his proverbial shoulders and accepted being friends. I am sure you feel cheated by all the BS from the past few weeks (I would!). He must surely have known even back then that he wasn't going to take things further with you, but strung you along.

There's definitely someone out there for you who would never play games like that, they'd be too afraid of losing you.

That's a result OP, it really is.

Is it wrong that now it's basically ended with him that I completely miss my ex?

Not wrong - completely normal because you a missing the nice bits with your ex which you hoped you would get with a new man but it didn't work out that way.

Everyone is different though - maybe have some time and focus on being good to yourself.

Has he given no reason for why he is avoiding sex?

If he was saying he loves you and wanting to spend so much time you, why isn't he fighting for your relationship?

Tell him you need answers so you can move on, without it you feel used.

You did the right thing.

I had a fairly long, virtually sexless relationship previously and it was just as baffling. I was seeing a therapist for the last while of it and even he, you could tell, was desperate to figure it out and get some resolution - was he asexual, had he been abused, was he gay - it was getting to be like a puzzle which was really crappy when it's your life and you don't understand what is going on. In retrospect, I think my ex is gay. This could well be the same for yours.

Virgin. From those social media comments and my past experience .

But even my DH who was a Virgin when we met, was at least enthusiastic....

It's unfortunate but on the other hand, there is no future in this if he can't let himself go and take the risk to pop his cherry.