In our 30s, he hasn't made a move, sexually frustrated lol

[Dipsy86]

Been going out with my new boyfriend for over 6 weeks. We have seen each other basically every second day since we met! (we knew each other before, he isn't a stranger, known him since we were teens). We have been on about 3 "proper" dates per week, then coffees and lots of walks in between these dates. So we have seen each other A LOT!!

We definitely have that spark, he constantly tells me how attracted he is to me. He is always holding my hands, stares into my eyes and tells me how amazing I am etc. IT is really lovely. We have kissed a lot too. He is 33, I am 31. But I am now getting extreme sexual frustration lol to the point where it is starting to bug me. There has been ample opportunity for him to "try it on" and he hasn't. He has been at my house multiple times and i often think "this will be the night" lol and it doesn't happen. Instead he will just keep kissing me. He isn't a virgin, has had previous girlfriends, even one night stands (even I haven't had a one night stand lol).

I mentioned it last week and he said "oh we have plenty time to be doing that and get to know each others bodies etc, I don't want to ruin this and am enjoying taking this slow". I then said "you won't ruin it". I am past that stage now lol, I know we are both in this for a relationship. But I am literally at the stage where I can't take it anymore and it is actually awkward now as I am like just make a move on me after 15 minutes of solid kissing.

I mentioned it to some of my friends and each of them said they thought it was really odd, how much we have seen each other and no sexual moves have been made. I do not feel confident enough to make a move on him sexually as in my experience it is usually the guy that would initiate this first. I have laid plenty hints now and he knows how I feel.

He even told me he had even been to the gum clinic last week. He said "I want to start this relationship properly". Which is really sweet and I totally respect it. However, naturally I want to rip his clothes off lol.

What are your honest thoughts on this?

Or live herpes, and he's waiting till it goes into remission again...

Oh god, I couldn't be arsed with this, I really couldn't.

He sounds about 14 - giving you the romantic starry eyed blather one minute and telling you what a big cock he has the next and wanting lots of snogging. But his hands never go near you.

Could. Not. Be. Arsed.

Too much speculation.
If you have herpes you tell your partner(s), not wait till it's dormant. It's only fair.

This guy is all about apple pie and ice cream, and couples running through fields of corn with the wind blowing in their hair, a fantasy world where real messy sex doesn't happen, but women are adored and put on pedestals till ' the time is right'.

Because he doesn't want sex.

@Boredboredboredboredbored
Did you ever get him to go again after the first?

He wouldn't have an outbreak of herpes for that long anyway.

On the one hand, going to the gum clinic is sensible thing to do.

On the other hand, it's not something that most people (I'll go as far as saying most men because generally speaking they'd rather have a sharp stick in their eye then have someone look at their bits unless it was for an actual complaint that they had symptoms for that they couldn't ignore. I don't think going speculatively is what most men would do normally.

In any case, it takes the clinic only a few days to give results so if he was in the clear, why would he even have mentioned it? Why advertise it to a new potential sexual partner? It's an offputting topic.

I think your best clue is in the gum clinic news.

I'm shocked at people being so willing to get rid at 6 weeks! That's no time at all to get to know someone and to feel comfortable

It's OK for sex to be a priority. It would be for me, if I somehow ended up back on the market again. I would want to be with someone I was sexually compatible with, and frankly someone who had built it up into this hugely meaningful and majestic event would turn me right off. (Charitably assuming all this stuff about wanting to be comfortable is the truth, which I doubt.)

OP, or anyone, can end a relationship (clearly and kindly) after whatever period of time they like if things aren't working for them sexually.

Can you do votes or polls on here?

7/1 He's just a nice shy bloke
5/1 Gay
2/1 micropenis
11/10 he's a virgin
1/3 Chlamydia

Sounds like OP is a nice person. Plenty more fish in the sea is a cliche , but seriously - there's an ocean out there. And honesty is what this situation needs. If it becomes a proper relationship, honesty is a good start.

Obvs we all want to know what happens next.

I'm shocked at people being so willing to get rid at 6 weeks! That's no time at all to get to know someone and to feel comfortable

I agree with you but there is more to this situation than him taking the time to get to know the OP.

Aside from anything else I'd be completely put off by jokes or references to the size of his dick. That would be a dumping offence for me.

I had a boyfriend who was emotionally abusive and he used sex as a tool of control.

I knew him for a couple of years before getting together and he talked about sex a lot and gave me the impression that he was a very sexual person. Once we got together, although we dtd fairly early on, it very quickly became a once in a blue moon thing, often accompying a cycle of ignoring and then love bombing.

He was an emotionlally damaged person and had been abused as a child (certainly physically and I suspect sexually as well) and I often wondered if he was gay (and I wasn't the only women who dated him to suspect this). Whilst I hold no bitterness towards him now, it was a deeply unpleasant experience and not one I would recommend - don't go there, you can't help him unless he's willing to face his demons and if he's playing at having a relationship, he's not ready to face them now. Run.

I too had a relationship where the man was a virgin but was a lot older than me. We DTD quite early on, then he did U-turn and withdrew, sexually. I never understood why. He wasn't gay. I loved him deeply and hung on hoping it would get better, but after a long time of doing nothing but kissing, had to walk away and regret wasting those years.

Just friend zone him, and move on.

All the things this guy says are about HIM, reassurances for him:

1. He thinks it's ok to keep telling OP that it's best they wait - that makes him feel better as whatever it is that he's worried about remains further away in the future - he is totally and one-sidedly controlling this entire part of the 'relationship'
2. He decides where and how they go out - again, OP is not a participant in the choosing of where to hang out or what they do - again, totally one-sided control from him
3. He has a big penis - reassuring himself that his manhood (ridiculous term!) is going to be adequate for OP (because he's worried about it)
4. He's been to the GUM clinic (or has he, could be bullshit - I always think unless you go together and are in on the giving out of each other's results then you can never truly know) again he's reassuring himself (possibly because he did have symptoms or was worried theoretically about being infected, who knows why). It's odd to have just one of the pair referring to STI checks - in other relationships I've been in we've both agreed to get tested, not one person doing it and not the other)

For all those saying 'Why isn't OP willing to wait 6 weeks/months (whatever) - it's impatience' - this is not two people who have discussed the possibility of waiting, it's one person telling the other person that they WILL wait with a multitude of additional red flags.

However (and OP I'm not having a go at you or criticising you), but you do seem to have been what appears to be very passive in all of this. I'm not sure if even in the short time you've been with him he's done a number on you already and you're already conforming to what he wants or if in other parts of your life/previous relationships you've tended to be a very non-confrontational sweet person - which may have been totally fine with someone normal, but I do not think this guy is. I think he is beginning to subsume you and you need to get away from him.

I find the kissing only totally weird (you've not really answered if there's other touching outside clothing although it's probably not especially relevant) - kissing only in private when it could be more and then somewhat in a controlling and inappropriate and domineering way in public speaks of someone who is highly uncomfortable with their own sexuality or with intimacy for whatever reasons. Forcefully snogging someone randomly in public whilst not allowing anything more than kissing in private is TOTALLY MENTAL.

I don't even think it's worth asking him or giving him an ultimatum - it'll just be more bullshit/fantasy blurb and you'll be no further forward. All you risk why doing this is it dragging on, and on, and on, and on.....

I honestly would say that you're ending it because the relationship isn't moving forward in the way that you want. Never mind the lack of intercourse, the going out for coffee etc and not back to yours and all the other MANY red flags should have you running for the hills. Tell him it's over and go off and find someone else who's fun, makes you feel good and isn't weird.

Is he a virgin, would explain his actions!

(Sorry if it's already been asked, I haven't read every comment)

RTFT!

He says he's had 1 night stands and has just been to a gum clinic.

A friend of mine was with a man like this.

She concluded he was most probably gay. He's still single several years later, and they are still good friends.

The snogging in public, and wanting you to meet his parents suggests to me that he's gay, but wants to cover it up.

keeponrunning - apologies, I wasn't on this thread today until now. I am thinking, don't engage If you've actually been there, you can practically smell it when you encounter it again.

Just posted on another thread about dating rules-of-thumb.

Mine was - if it's hard work right at the start, forget it. No matter what the reason.

This is exactly what I mean.

Here you are 6 weeks in - absolute turmoil, loads of hassle and heartache. It's just NOT WORTH IT.

Note - if there was a solid, sensible reason for him wanting to wait, and if he was a nice, sensible guy... this would be fine, and you wouldn't be having all this angst. Why? Because he would have TALKED to you. E.g say he's religious - you sit down, he explains nicely how he feels, why he feels it. No angst.

But this isn't how it is. He blows hot and cold. Ducks and dodges. Can see you are puzzled and possibly upset, off balance - and avoids it when you try and address. Gives mixed messages. You have NO CLUE where you are with him.

The no sex is not a problem. HE is the problem.

Dump him, because one thing you know for a fact is that he is a messer.

I'd give it one more attempt at straight talking, letting it be known that you're bloody fed up - not of not having sex, but of him playing games with you over it. One chance. I would think you'll get the same nonsense. So dump.

@FizzyGreenWater Nails it precisely! Next time I need advice I'm coming to you Fizzy...

Yeah. Three cheers for Fizzy!

Bravo Fizzy, you've got it nailed (unlike the OP, arf)!

I always say if it's hard work at the start then end it. The start's the fun bit, the carefree and no ties bit, the bit where you get butterflies and want to talk all night except you can't because you're shagging.

If it's not like that at the start then it sure as hell isn't going to get like that once the mundanity of rent/mortgages/bills/in-laws/kids/pets/tiredness etc etc etc is thrown at it.

Walk away. At best he's a bit weird and at worst he's some narcissistic, abusive sociopath. I, for one, wouldn't stick around to find out.

Polly, people can lie too.

It's be interesting to see what he says OP if you were completely upfront and say I'm ending the relationship because I want to have sex with a partner. It would leave no doubt of where the issue is and might get him to open up to you as a friend.

Other danger of course is then he might u turn and say he wants to right now...then I'd be pretty suspicious of controlling tendencies

Omg.

Fuck that.

It's ok for him to not want or he ready for sex of course.

It's equally ok for op to want it as long as she isn't pressuring him.

What's not ok is he won't even talk about it and is happy to shut down any atgenota at a conversation about it and waste ops time with stuff that is just not too g to go anywhere.

Whatever the reason I actually don't think it matters. He doesn't need a reason to not want sex yet. But clearly you are in different places and it's time to end it and get out befire you are both to far into this