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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have seriously hurt DH - What do I do?

293 replies

HannahWayes · 08/06/2017 21:35

Haven't seen DH for a week (long time for us), he's back from business hunting over seas and we were thrilled to be together again, as always.

Lovely dinner, etc etc. I went to the loo and popped back to see he was on my iPad. He was on my FB and saw my ex pop up in recent searches. His facial expression looked hurt. I asked what was wrong and he said "you tell me, or better yet, have a look for yourself".

I did and the page was on my recent searches. Gulp.

I cannot believe I was silly enough to do this, and even worse, leave it around in full view for him to see. I'm devastated.

I searched my ex today out of curiosity. I wondered what he must be doing now. I have no feelings for him, but his existence passed my mind in fleeting today and I searched him.

I'm pregnant with DH's child. I love him and would put my life on the line for him and this baby. He is everything to me.

Where do I go from here? Should he LTB?

I told DH I'm so sorry if it's hurt you and I really do mean it. He said "well it's all just bollocks. Go have your bath you were running".

I'm in tears here in the bath. I don't know what I've done.

As for the FB searching, he wasn't snooping. He doesn't have FB and uses mine to search for his brother/sister and see what his nieces and nephews are up to.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/06/2017 11:18

You're doing a very good job of of outlining a controlling man, post by post...

I'm wondering if the gates lead to a bridge...

Original poster
HannahWayes · 09/06/2017 11:26

It's all just pissing me off now. I want to move on and he's obviously very annoyed by it (still). I'm frustrated.

I want to try and see where you're coming from and maybe this example of the search FB thing is a good one, but I can't think of anything else...

I really want to move to a certain location? It gets considered.

I want to go see a cinema film? It's a definite yes.

He never pushes me into doing anything or tries to get his own way. Until now... but I'm not sure what his own way is?

OP posts:
Original poster
HannahWayes · 09/06/2017 11:41

I'm wondering now if I should text with a well worded, 'back your ideas up', message?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 09/06/2017 11:47

So he's lying in bed with the light off, and you walk in, turn on the light and make him get out of bed.

I'd be really pissed of with that and might well strop off to the settee. People disturbing my sleep do so at their own risk.

Sleeping on the settee is not that refreshing, and he was late for work, so he was not as chatty as usual. Otherwise I can't see any actual signs of him being annoyed, from what you report. You questioned him, he said he was late. He told you about plans to look at a house. I don't understand why this means he is acting oddly, or what you are upset about.

ravenmum · 09/06/2017 11:50

Did he say anything about the FB search apart from that it was "all bollocks"? Doesn't that mean that FB activity is indeed all just a load of bollocks and not worth thinking about seriously?

Original poster
HannahWayes · 09/06/2017 11:56

You questioned him, he said he was late. He told you about plans to look at a house. I don't understand why this means he is acting oddly, or what you are upset about

We were looking at the house together originally. I was coming too. He was also coming to see venue.

OP posts:
Original poster
HannahWayes · 09/06/2017 11:57

rave he said I just don't see why you'd do it, but if you want to go and pine over your ex, you're welcome to

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 09/06/2017 12:07

Please accept my apologies for some misleading details in OP. I didn't want to be outed but to hell with that now

Understatement of the week! Your not married, he wasn't abroad looking for work and he lives with his mum.

Original poster
HannahWayes · 09/06/2017 12:08

Understatement of the week! Your not married, he wasn't abroad looking for work and he lives with his mum*

He doesn't permanently live with his Mum

OP posts:
ravenmum · 09/06/2017 12:10

I'd leave it with the messages, whatever. You clearly need to sit down and have a sensible conversation together, like two adults about to bring up a child. You don't need to apologise or tell him you love him any more than you normally would. You'd be putting yourself in the position of someone who's done something wrong.

Much too much drama. It's hard to work out where it is coming from, but someone definitely needs some sort of help!

hellsbellsmelons · 09/06/2017 12:13

I also think the fb thing is a red herring.
There is something else to all this.
Is he on his phone a lot more than normal?
Has he been staying at his mums a bit more than normal?

Original poster
HannahWayes · 09/06/2017 12:19

Hi all, here is his text response after me asking outright what is going on:

"I'm angry and upset because at a time when there is so much going on, a baby, a new house a wedding you're on fucking Facebook checking out your fucking ex. Is that what's in your mind? Really?"

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 09/06/2017 12:27

I'd not respond to that.
Other than maybe a PA Hmm.

Grin

Honestly, his behaviour and your agonising over it is like something out of Eastenders.

Frankly, I'd laugh at him and would lose a fair bit of respect for him over this

OlennasWimple · 09/06/2017 12:28

Honestly, all you can do is say that it was idle curiosity, it doesn't change anything about your feelings for him.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 09/06/2017 12:32

You say you're not as excited about the wedding as he is , this coupled with you looking up an ex on FB , could this be part of the reason he's so pissed off ? That you are not giving him the impression that you are fully committed to him ?

PacificDogwod · 09/06/2017 12:33

"DH, it was idle curiosity. Now get a grip before I get pissed off with you for being a twat".

StarHeartDiamond · 09/06/2017 12:34

Consider telling him it's not what's on your mind, it was purely accidental it happened, you're sorry he's upset about it and you'll leave him to it until he's ready to talk/move on. You can't go backwards, you're getting married, having a baby and buying a house so bring on fb and idly happening to look up an ex is totally insignificant in the face of your commitment to him and you hope he knows that.

You could say that as your ex was abusive you subconsciously many wanted to see he's now moved on and won't be back to spoil your current happiness.

If you had an abusive ex you will be absolutely done with the jangling nerves and waiting to see what happens next, particularly as you are pg, so for your own peace of mind you need to get busy doing things and try not to dwell too much on this. Your dp will come round in his own time so wait and see. Flowers

Original poster
HannahWayes · 09/06/2017 12:41

Have explained all these things from you lovely lot and he's having none of it.

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 09/06/2017 12:43

That is HIS problem.

Move on.

BlueKarou · 09/06/2017 12:44

Just tell the truth; it was curiosity and it meant nothing and you hope he trusts you enough not to continue flying off the handle.

MyFavouriteName · 09/06/2017 12:46

Massive overreaction from both of you. Must be more going on and this is just a side effect.

ShatnersWig · 09/06/2017 12:47

Suspect Condensed may well have hit on something. If you're not coming across as excited about the wedding and he finds you've been looking up an ex, he may well suddenly wonder if it's all about to go pear shaped. Add in stress of approaching baby, new house, possible work stuff and then he's had a lousy night's sleep on the sofa because you wanted to change the sheets....

Original poster
HannahWayes · 09/06/2017 12:47

Massive overreaction from both of you. Must be more going on and this is just a side effect.

There really isn't, hence my shock

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 09/06/2017 12:47

WTF? I have three of my exes as facebook friends. He needs to get a grip.

Tazerface · 09/06/2017 12:48

Well, if my husband texted me that I'd text back something like,

"Grow up you fucking idiot, looking up an ex out of idle curiosity is nothing. If you're going to throw your toys out of the pram because of this you are not the man I thought you were."

I can be hot headed and this would boil my piss. He looks up his nieces and nephews as presumably he doesn't actually want to contact them - this is the same as far as I'm concerned. Ask him why when you've got so much on he's got time to look at Holly Willoughby and look up family members he doesn't want to talk to.

He sounds like an utter knobber.

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