Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have seriously hurt DH - What do I do?

293 replies

HannahWayes · 08/06/2017 21:35

Haven't seen DH for a week (long time for us), he's back from business hunting over seas and we were thrilled to be together again, as always.

Lovely dinner, etc etc. I went to the loo and popped back to see he was on my iPad. He was on my FB and saw my ex pop up in recent searches. His facial expression looked hurt. I asked what was wrong and he said "you tell me, or better yet, have a look for yourself".

I did and the page was on my recent searches. Gulp.

I cannot believe I was silly enough to do this, and even worse, leave it around in full view for him to see. I'm devastated.

I searched my ex today out of curiosity. I wondered what he must be doing now. I have no feelings for him, but his existence passed my mind in fleeting today and I searched him.

I'm pregnant with DH's child. I love him and would put my life on the line for him and this baby. He is everything to me.

Where do I go from here? Should he LTB?

I told DH I'm so sorry if it's hurt you and I really do mean it. He said "well it's all just bollocks. Go have your bath you were running".

I'm in tears here in the bath. I don't know what I've done.

As for the FB searching, he wasn't snooping. He doesn't have FB and uses mine to search for his brother/sister and see what his nieces and nephews are up to.

OP posts:
TreeTop7 · 09/06/2017 08:37

Most Facebook users have looked up exes. It's pretty normal.

Original poster
HannahWayes · 09/06/2017 08:40

Where do I go from here Mumsnetters?

I have established to myself that his reaction was over the top, yet he is entitled to feel hurt. However, now I feel as if it should've blown over and it hasn't.

He's pissy and has left with an overnight bag to go back and see the house tomorrow. He will return if I am seeing the venue tonight with my dad as he will need to see it too. Last night has not been brought up by him but still, he is acting the same.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 09/06/2017 08:48

So no business trip, he lives with his mother whilst you live on your own. He's telling you the relationship is over, listen to him. The Facebook thing is a red herring.

morningconstitutional2017 · 09/06/2017 08:50

All you can do is insist that it was simple curiosity that made you search and say that you won't do it again. Reiterate how much DH means to you and go from there.
If you really can't help yourself from searching about ex then do so privately leaving no trace.

KoalaDownUnder · 09/06/2017 08:51

Are you married or not?

Ceto · 09/06/2017 09:01

You are right to feel angry. You need a serious conversation with him about how his reaction is massively disproportionate and you have legitimate reason to be concerned that he is showing such controlling and abusive tendencies. It looks to me as if he wanted you to get into the state you did last night so that you would come crawling to him and he could magnanimously "forgive" you - till the next time. It's a classic abuser's technique.

NerrSnerr · 09/06/2017 09:04

I wonder if he's trying to end the relationship. His reaction was mad but I don't understand why you tried to change the sheets while he was in bed, I'd go and sleep elsewhere if someone did that.

ittakes2 · 09/06/2017 09:09

Just tell him you had no secret intentions. Explain you knew he looked at your iPad and Facebook regularly - and that if you really had an alter motive you would have felt gulity and made sure you deleted your search. The fact you didn't, knowing he actively goes to your computer, is evidence you didn't give it much thought.

IfeelFloopy · 09/06/2017 09:11

Ridiculous. I've looked up all of my ex's and past flings and still do. I've looked up my boyfriends ex's too! I look up al sorts of people and although I haven't asked and wouldn't like to see, I presume my boyfriend has done the same with his past flames. It doesn't mean anything at all. If anything in one circumstance with an abussive ex of mine I look occasionally in hope that he is having a shitty time!

He should definitely be over it by now. If I were in your position I would tell him that you need to talk to him. Explain what you have here about why you did it and if he continues to sulk let him get on with it! Every relationship is obviously different but I know that my boyfriend would get bored after a while, realise he's being a drama queen and get over it.

Prometheus · 09/06/2017 09:17

He is being abusive and controlling here. Everyone looks for exes, old bosses, former bullies etc on Facebook. It's human nature to be nosy. If he is this controlling over a Facebook search, I hate to think what he would be like if you ever spoke to another man or went for a coffee with a male friend.....

dun1urkin · 09/06/2017 09:25

TBH I'd probably still be in a huff if I was TURFED OUT OF BED SO YOU COULD CHANGE THE SHEETS!!!

(shouting in case you've not noticed that this is something that is being questioned Hmm)

ShatnersWig · 09/06/2017 09:27

Prometheus No, sorry, MOST people might but EVERYONE does not, as I've already said.

Yes, actually, he might have been less pissy if OP hadn't tried to change the sheets while he was in bed. That's just weird.

TheAntiBoop · 09/06/2017 09:28

You said at the beginning that he was away for a week and that's the longest you've been apart - given he wasn't travelling why was that?

I think he is projecting his own behaviour onto you - as in he assumes you have bad motives for looking up the ex because he would have or has done

HerOtherHalf · 09/06/2017 09:51

What do I do?

Stop being so submissive and accepting that you are in the wrong just because he says so. He is behaving atrociously and this screams of controlling behaviour. As has been said time and time again, what you did was nothing, it shouldn't even have bothered him but OK sometimes people get bothered about things that others don't.

The real problem is how he is behaving. He is emotionally abusing you and will not let it lie until you get down on your knees and beg for his forgiveness. More worryingly, it sounds like you might do that and anything else to pacify him. That is just putting you exactly where he wants you and setting you up for a life of being totally subservient to him.

Please, please, please stop and think. You have escape one poisonous relationship, do not get deeper into another one when there are such loud alarm bells ringing. If you are thinking of moving into a house together, effectively giving up your independence, I strongly urge you to put that on hold, as hard as that may be.

SparklyMagpie · 09/06/2017 10:17

This is all ridiculous.

Why did you need to change the sheets whilst he was in bed?

Didn't you say on your other thread it's your DP? So are you married?

Don't go begging you did nothing wrong in regards to facebook, the more you beg etc you'll just look like you're guilty of something

Also him being on mumsnet makes me think he's keeping tabs on you, just like him using your facebook

This doesn't seem great at all

Original poster
HannahWayes · 09/06/2017 10:54

I don't think he's trying to end the relationship at all. I can't see where all these actions are coming out of. It's totally out of the blue and he has never done this before l.

No we aren't married yet but we are getting married in August. He's the one super excited and planning and moving things smoothly where as to me, it's not that big a deal. But I by no means show that I'm not interested etc, to me it is just a day but a special one. He is more bubbly about it for want of a better word.

Again, these actions are 100% out of character.

He's very passionate and is extremely excited about baby etc. Always including me in everything and never wants to do much without me as he classes me as his best friend too.

He does have his own personal time too, though. He isn't obsessed.

Please accept my apologies for some misleading details in OP. I didn't want to be outed but to hell with that now Sad

Still no word from him, not even a text.

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 09/06/2017 10:54

You've done nothing wrong with Facebook but wanting to change the bedsheets when he'd already gone to bed was odd, the whole thing seems odd.

Original poster
HannahWayes · 09/06/2017 10:55

Yes the sheets thing was annoying of me!

But I know very well that that isn't the issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
HannahWayes · 09/06/2017 10:56

Is it really all that odd though? He wasn't asleep when I came in. He decided to lye down and turn away from me when I walked in. He wasn't sleeping, he was on his phone.

Yes it was annoying but this isn't the issue.

The issue is he is still angst about the FB search.

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 09/06/2017 10:59

In that case tell him to grow the fuck up.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 09/06/2017 11:03

I think there's more to this than meets the eye . I reckon there's something else going on either with him or your behaviour Op (you say you do other stuff wrong and are ditty) .

CondensedMilkSarnies · 09/06/2017 11:03

*ditzy

PacificDogwod · 09/06/2017 11:07

The issue is he is still angst about the FB search.

His issue, not yours.

Original poster
HannahWayes · 09/06/2017 11:13

I think there's more to this than meets the eye . I reckon there's something else going on either with him or your behaviour Op (you say you do other stuff wrong and are ditty)

But that I meant not being able to work a new can opener etc. Nothing serious. I can just be a bit dizzy.

OP posts:
Original poster
HannahWayes · 09/06/2017 11:13

*By that

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.