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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have seriously hurt DH - What do I do?

293 replies

HannahWayes · 08/06/2017 21:35

Haven't seen DH for a week (long time for us), he's back from business hunting over seas and we were thrilled to be together again, as always.

Lovely dinner, etc etc. I went to the loo and popped back to see he was on my iPad. He was on my FB and saw my ex pop up in recent searches. His facial expression looked hurt. I asked what was wrong and he said "you tell me, or better yet, have a look for yourself".

I did and the page was on my recent searches. Gulp.

I cannot believe I was silly enough to do this, and even worse, leave it around in full view for him to see. I'm devastated.

I searched my ex today out of curiosity. I wondered what he must be doing now. I have no feelings for him, but his existence passed my mind in fleeting today and I searched him.

I'm pregnant with DH's child. I love him and would put my life on the line for him and this baby. He is everything to me.

Where do I go from here? Should he LTB?

I told DH I'm so sorry if it's hurt you and I really do mean it. He said "well it's all just bollocks. Go have your bath you were running".

I'm in tears here in the bath. I don't know what I've done.

As for the FB searching, he wasn't snooping. He doesn't have FB and uses mine to search for his brother/sister and see what his nieces and nephews are up to.

OP posts:
StarHeartDiamond · 09/06/2017 12:52

Well op, if you've said it all and he don't hear it there nothing more to say at this point to him.

Get busy doing something nice for yourself. Really try not to dwell on it for now, the ball is in his court. you can do no more then you've one so wait for him to cool off and see what happens.

Tazerface · 09/06/2017 12:52

He's having none of it?

So next step - wedding's off, no house and single parenthood because you looked up your ex on Facebook!

Fuck that. He needs to explain what his actual problem is, not list what's going on in your lives and then ask you to figure it out. He is behaving like a petulant teenager. How are you not raging with fury OP?

MumBod · 09/06/2017 12:52

I hope your DP isn't emotionally abusive. He sounds a bit of a controlling drama llama at the very least.

I had one of those. It gets very tiring.

I think you might need to toughen up with him, raise your eyebrows, laugh, tell him you were being a nosy sod because that's what fb is for.

If he starts to go on and on about it I think you're allowed to get irritated.

Don't act guilty - you've done nothing wrong. You're not supposed to be perfect. He's living with a human being, not a robot.

StarHeartDiamond · 09/06/2017 12:52

^ doesnt want to hear it

NerrSnerr · 09/06/2017 12:54

So much drama. He is being an utter dick. I wonder if he has a slightly guilty conscience?

Demesne · 09/06/2017 12:55

Sorry, but really? He gets all upset and acts like it's a full-blown affair because you googled an ex?

That's what the internet is for.

In many other relationships, this would literally be nothing. I don't give a stuff if my DH googles his exes because I google mine. Occasional browse at hot colleagues. Facebook photos circa 2002. We're human.

Getting pissy over an FB search is laugh-in-his-face worthy. What a delicate petal. Like he's never done it, or looked at porn, or done anything shocking with his search history.

MumBod · 09/06/2017 12:56

Oh hang on. Just read your update.

I would text back,

'Contact me again when you've grown up.'

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/06/2017 12:56

I've never searched an ex on Facebook, but it's fairly standard behaviour.

I suspect this has made him wonder if he actually wants this; but it's complicated by you being pregnant.

I'd be postponing the wedding at the very least.

KoalaDownUnder · 09/06/2017 12:56

Why has he been staying at his mum's, instead of with you?

ExConstance · 09/06/2017 12:58

IT MEANS NOTHING! I often search the boyfriends I had before I was married, I'm facebook friends with 4 of them. Some of them live enviable lives and have done well for themselves, 3 of them have died during the intervening years. My DH doesn't mind that I keep in touch with people, we have been married for over 30 years. I think your husband is being unreasonable himself to get all wound up over a search - is he usually controlling and jealous?

Demesne · 09/06/2017 13:01

To be honest, it sounds like he's using this as an excuse, and clumsily.

ie: he's wanted to end the relationship, or he's having an affair, and he's been waiting on tenterhooks for you to put one tiny toe out of line so he can blow up and tell everyone how awful you are and you drove him away, and how it's definitely your fault and not his. If it wasn't this, it would be a spoon left in the sink or his socks paired incorrectly.

Bananamanfan · 09/06/2017 13:02

It's no big deal, you were being nosey. Tell everyone why he is in a strop, don't give it the power of being a secret & feeling ashamed about it.

chumpchange · 09/06/2017 13:06

To be honest, it sounds like he's using this as an excuse, and clumsily.

I'm starting to think that too.
I mean, obviously I'd have no way of knowing, but his behaviour is very strange.

PacificDogwod · 09/06/2017 13:12

To be honest, it sounds like he's using this as an excuse, and clumsily

Yep, me too.

PacificDogwod · 09/06/2017 13:12

Does he have something to feel guilty about?

Is he trying to get you so pissed off you storm off??

Weird.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/06/2017 13:15

'Contact me again when you've grown up.'

Perfect response!

Or if he's on MN a lot a simple 'ODFOD' will suffice

usersos · 09/06/2017 13:44

I'd tell him to jog the fuck on and grow some balls.This is really embarrassing behaviour.....

Thebluedog · 09/06/2017 13:51

Bloody hell, what is fb for, if not to be nosey now and again?

Sounds like he's blown this all up totally out of proportion.

NotJanine · 09/06/2017 14:02

I don't think you should reply to him at all. It's just ridiculous and hopefully if you leave him alone he'll realise he's being a dick.

People's internet history brings up all sorts of weird and wacky things. just because we are curious (nosey) and have access to so much information.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 09/06/2017 14:14

From his point of view , no matter how much you think he's behaving unreasonably, if he has any doubts at all about getting married then perhaps it's a good thing this has happened.

We'd all be telling a female not to marry someone she didn't trust no matter how trivial the reason .

HerOtherHalf · 09/06/2017 14:29

We'd all be telling a female not to marry someone she didn't trust no matter how trivial the reason

I would, but the reason why would determine my motivation. If it was because I believed she had good reason not to trust him, I would tell her not to marry him for her sake. If she had no real reason, I would tell her not to marry him for his sake.

OP, You make well have seen on other relationship threads people advising "he's showing you who he really is, believe him". Take that on board. This time it's your ex on FB. Next time it might be the male colleague at work he feels you're too friendly with or that you were too chatty with the courier who dropped off your parcel. At best, he is an immature man-child, at worst he is controlling and has potential to be an abuser. Either way, you don't need that shit.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 09/06/2017 15:05

The fact that he won't sit down and have an adult discussion about this doesn't bode well . Life chucks up all sorts of difficult situations that need an adult attitude, if he can't do it now he won't be able to do it at a later date.

Ceto · 09/06/2017 15:08

"I'm angry and upset because at a time when there is so much going on, a baby, a new house a wedding you're on fucking Facebook checking out your fucking ex. Is that what's in your mind? Really?"

Oh, for God's sake, are you really supposed to spend 100% of your time thinking about those things to the exclusion of all else? Are you not allowed the odd 5 minutes here and there pratting around on the internet?

How about texting back "Are you really telling me that I have to ask your permission to spend 5 minutes thinking about something other than those topics? Are you seriously telling me you don't spend the occasional few minutes thinking about, for instance, Holly Willoughby? Is that what's in your mind? Really?"

Ceto · 09/06/2017 15:10

If there's one thing you need to take from this, it's to change your FB password. Tell him that he obviously has much more important things to do than spend time on FB so obviously he won't have any objection.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 09/06/2017 15:18

I fear changing passwords will add fuel to his fire .

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