Not sure how to go on! Feel like a horrible person.

[Henrythehoover]

This is a bit of a difficult subject and I'm really struggling to know what to do.

I feel really unhappy but not sure how to sort this. I've been with my dp over a decade and we have children together. He's always been a big guy (obese) he used to care about how he looked ect when we met but over the last few years he's just stopped caring to the point he has a shower about once a month when I moan about it he never brushes his teeth (they are rotting) and it's just horrible. He's also very clingy and makes me feel bad for just being me when his anxiety gets bad. It's like I'm responsible for how he feels as in his words "if your not happy I'm not"

We do have good times together but this underlying stuff is really getting to me. The kids are picking up on things too and it's not good. Like they think over eating is normal and don't want to help round the house. I feel so mean feeling sick of it all and I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person for not standing by him when he needs me aren't I?

I've tried talking about it and get told things will change but they never do. It's so difficult to cope with and to make it worse I have no one to talk to a out it. If anyone has any suggestions for making it better as I just don't know what to do.

OP, I have read this thread and I am aghast at what you have been dealing with. Your ex sounds unhinged, creepy, repulsive and actually not somebody who should be around your children. I don't believe for a minute the smashed lightbulb on the bed was down to the kids - there is no way that a man as obsessed with you as he is will not have gone to have a root around your bedroom whilst you were out, because it is his creepy way of infiltrating your private space and the leaving broken glass on the bed may have been some kind of weird punishment. That's how it immediately seemed to me when I read it. I absolutely agree you must get those locks changed. Is there no way your own family can help you out a little more with childcare while you are working? Or could you come to an arrangement with some other school mums where you take it in turns to look after each other's kids and have mutually beneficial playdates? Your ex doesn't sound like he can be trusted with the kids, or even like he gives two shits about them.

The time will come when your eldest child will be old enough to be at home alone, and then when you and she are ready she will be able to babysit the youngest two until you get in from work. It's just a few years away and in the meantime you are doing so so well - many people would not have coped with what you have and remained so strong.

I take my hat off to you. You are amazing and you sound like a wonderful mum with a fantastic future ahead.

Wow ive just read the whole thread. You already know you've done the right thing. Him and his mother can fuck off. I would try and have as few contact points as possible. Maybe an email address you only use for him and his mother? He was undoubtedly in your bedroom the horrible little toad.

I'd be off.

Thank you everyone for your help. I sometimes feel like I'm going crazy because he acts nice to me. He never gets angry or acts aggressive towards me which in a way makes me feel like I'm making it up. It's the little (well big things like yesterday) that make me feel uneasy. I was finally making the house especially my room feel like a place i want to be and in the space of being there a couple of hours he had shattered that.

As for the children I'm not going to take overtime again. I just needed it so i could have time with them over the holiday as I have no annual leave left. I'm also going to talk to the school about the boys.

The boys didn't seem quite so bad today after being round his but other members of his family were there that makes a difference

I think you did the right thing. You are a strong woman, keep the course.

Your relationship was toxic. He, my dear, is a deadbeat looser. You know it and he knows it. When the crowning glory is the fact that he showers daily, you gotta ask where's your perspective!?

The only advice I can give is, stay the course. Keep contact with him minimal, and only talk about the things you must - children's visitation, education etc. nothing personal - ever!

Move on. Forget the looser. Build your own life with adventure and wonder in it. Live, breath, grow.

All the best:)

Thank you. Looking back it's scary how much you can be worn down and how over time someone can chip away at what you expect and make you feel like a shell of your former self.

God his behaviour is just awful :( you are doing brilliantly

I'm finding my middle son such hard work. He seems too have taken on all his dad's traits and I'm struggling not to lose it with him. I feel awful I screamed at him to go away tonight as he stood going on and on at me about something I have no control over. He's picked up on the going on and on till I snap or break down Thu g and it's so hard.

He's only 9 and I shouldn't have screamed at him but he never listens others things drop.

Sometimes I wish we could just pack up and start again as it would be so great ro be away from ny ex and his poisonous family

Can you? Do you have family elsewhere who would help you if you lived near them?

No all my family live in the same village he does. If also have to give up my job that apart from last week fits round school days perfectly so I'm there for drop off and pick up. The pay is bad but at least I can be there for the children. I really do wish I could just up and go but life's not that simple is it? I was looking at the house swap pages on fb at someone wanting to come to my area from Cornwall and the idea of living there seemed lovely. But going away from my family who I am so close to seems a big step and kind of feels like he would have won as he spent many years trying to keep me away from them.

I'm just having down weekend I think.

OP - I've just read the thread snd well done. You've made huge progress. I know it must all look very difficult with money worries and struggles to arrange childcare. But you will slowly solve each problem I'm sure and at least you won't be going round in circles having your energy drained anymore. Well done!!! I'm cheering you from the sidelines you can do this

Thank you so much for all your support.

Thanks again for all your help everyone. I'm now trying to just concentrate on the children. I've been letting myself het wound up by stupid things like our mutual friend and him going away for the week whole he's telling me he has no money for the children as he's off sick.

I don't need to get bogged down in this stuff and telling his work is just petty on my part. Things are better even if times are tight. At least food isn't costing so much and we can have nice evenings together without the big dark cloud of exes mood hanging over us.

Sorry for all the typos stupid phone!

Even if he is on SSP only, he should still be paying some maintenance. If he won't, it's time to get the CMS involved I think. He's never going to pay willingly, because he doesn't love the kids. He would only pay if he thought it meant you'd go back to being his servant.

Were you able to change the locks on your house? How are you feeling about the house now? It was so nice to read that you were feeling positive and safe in your own home, then so awful to read about how he'd invaded your space (and yes of course it was him who smashed the bulbs, or perhaps he got the box down and then told your 6yr old "let's play juggling! on mummy's bed! with glass!" BTW your younger one seems to be taking the brunt of the gaslighting, being told to lie to you, I suspect your ex is probably isolating him from the other two in order to manipulate him, which is why he's regressing so badly.)

If you still feel your house has been invaded, maybe some sort of blessing/cleansing ritual would help? Doesn't have to be religious, just repeating some form of words like "This house is a haven and safe space for me and my children. Hatred, anger and negativity are not welcome here. Everyone in this house deserves a safe space to play, eat, study, and sleep."

I probably sound like a raving hippy but I do think rituals of this kind can really help - they are only symbolic, but by saying things out loud in this way, we are telling ourselves what our reality is.

You are doing really well Henry. Your oldest DD sounds like a very observant person. As a PP mentioned, I'm sure in a couple of years she will be mature enough to meet the younger ones from school and look after them til you get home. Unfortunately it seems clear your ex's mum can't be trusted with childcare. Well, look how her son turned out...

Thank you I like that idea. I'm finding I seem to be getting angry alot lately. I think it's all the frustration I've felt for years is coming out. It's not good but guess it's normal.

If he is struggling for money our joint friends fb is showing a different story as they have spent the week clubbing and staying in a hotel. Then I get told he can't afford to help with a school top. But hey I've blocked the mutual friend now as I don't need to know. It's not worth getting upset about.

Feeling pretty low at the moment. The children are really playing up and talking to me like I'm something they trod in. I feel like I'm constantly having to discipline them. I know alot of it is I'm the evil cow who says no and has to work and do all the boring stuff. I'm also feeling like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall as I tell them I have to go to work so we can do/have nice things but then they say how daddy isn't working and they do more fun stuff than I do. It's so frustrating.

You're doing really well, and even if you are struggling with the kids that's something I'm confident you'll work through as a family.

There are hundreds, thousands of women living in the situation you were in when you started this thread. When you're feeling down remember how far you've come and how much more you're capable of achieving.

Best of luck OP

I'm not surprised you're angry when you are working and grafting for your family and he's off weekending away znd playing fun-daddy (all the while doing a poor me show for sympathy on top).
Don't cover for him let people know he's not paying his share. Get cms involved. He's a selfish arse.
Your kids will wake up to the truth soon enough. Keep strong you are doing brilliantly

Thank you sometimes it feels so difficult when your being told by the children how your the worst mum in the world and being completely ignored by them. They act like I'm not worth taking notice of half the time.

Thought I'd just update. Things are so much better now it's amazing how just a few months have changed things so much. I still can't believe I put up with so much it's crazy.

The children all seem happier and things are just nicer at home. We have our moments but nothing like before.

As for ex he now has the boys every other weekend. Oldest doesn't go anymore as his mum and him have been picking on her and I don't want to force her to go if she doesn't want to. I'm still keeping my distance as he still won't believe it's over. He's still not back to work and going out and about every day but that's not my problem.

So all in all this is the best thing I've done for us all. I didn't realise what I was missing out on with the children before he left and now we do all sorts together and its so nice.

Great update. It's been wonderful to see you gather the strength to see him for what he really is and deal with it. The kids may sometimes kick against you but that's because you are the one with the unconditional love, which also means you are the one that actually parents. They will recognise and thank you for it.
Bloody well done!

That's true it's weird it feels like I've woken up and we actually act like a normal family now having movie nights all eating together talking in the evenings. I don't have that feeling of dread at him coming home from work every night and when I'm having a bad day I don't have someone telling me that I clearly can't cope on my own and that they will have to give up their job to sort it. The children chat more to me and my middle son is really coming out of his shell which he never did before. I know it's not always going to be plain sailing but I don't have someone making everything 10x harder at every opportunity