Not sure how to go on! Feel like a horrible person.

[Henrythehoover]

This is a bit of a difficult subject and I'm really struggling to know what to do.

I feel really unhappy but not sure how to sort this. I've been with my dp over a decade and we have children together. He's always been a big guy (obese) he used to care about how he looked ect when we met but over the last few years he's just stopped caring to the point he has a shower about once a month when I moan about it he never brushes his teeth (they are rotting) and it's just horrible. He's also very clingy and makes me feel bad for just being me when his anxiety gets bad. It's like I'm responsible for how he feels as in his words "if your not happy I'm not"

We do have good times together but this underlying stuff is really getting to me. The kids are picking up on things too and it's not good. Like they think over eating is normal and don't want to help round the house. I feel so mean feeling sick of it all and I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person for not standing by him when he needs me aren't I?

I've tried talking about it and get told things will change but they never do. It's so difficult to cope with and to make it worse I have no one to talk to a out it. If anyone has any suggestions for making it better as I just don't know what to do.

You've done so well!

Don't let yourself be sucked back in again, will you?

No way would I go back I'm finding it creepy more than anything. He knows no one else will put up with his crap and he's doing everything to try and get me back.

It IS extremely creepy. Your desires and needs count for nothing. It's all about HIS needs, HIS getting better, HIS choosing to be with you. Fuck all about you.

Ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore. It's just a matter of time until he realises.

chooses to be

Well why didn't he say so? That makes all the difference! He's convincing only himself.

Tell me about it it's like because he chooses too I should come running back. He lives in another world I can see him getting pretty nasty once he realises he's not getting what he wants.

He's an overgrown baby. He will throw a tantrum when he does not get his way, yes.

It's so good that you are finally to see things clearly and act on that, Henry. Keep strong.

Honestly, Henry, I am in awe of you, you absolutely rock! I've read this from start to end and you seem to have gathered the strength to dump this very odd bloke. I feel so sorry for your poor DC. He clearly isn't interested in them at all.

You've done brilliantly, Henry, on and up!

Thank you I couldn't have done it if it wasn't for you all on here. When I think of all the time I wasted thinking there was something wrong with me I feel a bit sad. Plus all the days out ect he made miserable. My family say I seem like a different person. No longer beaten down. I keep getting upset about some of the things that happened but I'm sure I will get over it eventually.

Hi everyone thought I'd catch up since I'm feeling a bit low. Things have been better I find the evenings hard as it's pretty quiet and I'm so used to having someone talking at me all the time. He has the children every other weekend and he seems better with them but I have a horrible feeling it's to win me over.

I was really stupid yesterday and gave in to meeting to talk about the kids I met at a coffee shop so he wouldn't try and touch me. I should have known of course it was just so he could lay it on thick how much he's changed and how we are good together. How we should forget all that's happened and start again. I told him I can't forget what's happened and don't want to. Then left.

I wish I wasn't so stupid I know he just wants his pathetic servant back who he can pester to the point she just gives into sex everyday to shut him up even though every time she does it kills her inside.

Sorry that's a bit over dramatic I woke up screaming from a nightmare about him last night. I'm not even sure why. So many people have had it so much worse and I know I shouldn't feel so bad I'm not even sure why I'm scared of him it's not like he has ever hit me or anything.

Sorry I'm rambling. I'm keeping away completely now and only contacting if I really have to about the kids. I can't be near him.

I think this is a very serious thing. I'd be embarrased to be with this guy, let alone live with him/go out. Sorry, OP, this would be a deal breaker for me

Keep going op. You are doing so well. You are allowed to feel low about it all, but just think how far you have come !!

Definitely don't meet him again. How much are you in contact via text etc? Keep disengaging! You can do this and you have mumsnet behind you.

Don't beat yourself up - we all make mistakes in this kind of difficult situation and you have been so brave and strong.

Onwards and upwards!!

Thanks for the reassurance I don't tend to show emotion so it comes out in my sleep hence waking up screaming. I just don't get why I'm scared of him.

As I said I'm going to keep away. He texts all the time trying to get in my head again and it's wearing. I don't love him but he has this way of making me feel guilty. It's so messed up.

On the plus side this is my last week at work before I can finally enjoy some of the holidays with the children plus my family have sorted a night away for me and my cousin. I haven't been out other than to family dos in about 8 years so should be good.

Urgh I'm so tired how long does it take to get over this stuff? I think I'm feeling better then I have a day all I want to do is cry. Sorry I'm just rambling to myself

Ramble away. He's in your head a lot at the min. Is he still texting you? Could you change number and keep the one you have just for him so you don't have to check your phone all the time?

You can do this and it will get better.

@Henrythehoover I've read your post from the beginning and all I can say is 'wow, you are bloody amazing!' you are so strong (even though some days you probably don't feel that way)

You should be proud of yourself for finally putting you (and the kids) where you deserve, FIRST

He was (and will still try) grinding you down and smothering you into submission, but you gathered the strength and persevered to break free and for that I am in awe

Sorry, probably sounds strange from a stranger but reading your posts (and others on this thread) is helping me in many ways, so thank you and hope you are well x

Do you still have the texts? Because you might want to consider a formal 'order' of some sort? His behaviour is harassment. Perhaps see a solicitor?
well done for getting out!!
But it's very concerning that he using the fact that you've got the children (and therefore have to be in certain places at certain times) to continue to harass you! You DON'T deserve to be subjected to his behalf (it's awful). Best wishes

Thank you so much I couldn't have done it without your support. I'm finally off work for the last 2 weeks of the holidays. Last night I had my first night out in I don't know how (never got to go out anywhere before and was not aloud to drink) long that my family had arranged for my cousin and me. They had the children so ex couldn't make a fuss and I hadn't said anything to him. Turns out one of the kids had and last night I get a txt saying "I can't believe you are out getting pissed I hope the person you take back to your bed treats you well!"

He is such a nasty person he knows I am not the kind of person to sleep around god I made him wait nearly 8months with all his nagging when we got together and after him making it a thing i had to do the thought of sex makes me feel sick but that's not the point. What got me is the guilt I felt. He knows how to push my buttons and what winds me up. I just ignored but it made me upset.

@Henrythehoover Glad you are back and safe. I bet that night out was like a breath of fresh air! Your kids will get there, just like you are, seeing the path to freedom more clearly. Keep telling yourself 'The kids and I deserve to be happy' keep repeating especially in those trying times with those messages he sends.

He's trying to grab control back noticing it is not in his favour anymore, and you know him best, words have as much power as we let them have (I'm still learning this concept), and you are doing bloody brilliant x

Thanks so much for the reply. Yes it was a breath of fresh air. I found it very surreal to be out without the guilt that he would be shouting at the kids at home. He was even jealous of my brother who I sometimes went to watch films with. Sadly that happened less and less as I felt bad about leaving the children.

I am so happy to be off work now it's been so hard leaving them with him and his mum every day and u can tell by their moods they haven't been told no for the last 3 weeks so it's going to be a struggle to get them out of that mindset.

I keep reading things and realising how bad things were how he just chipped away at me until I gave into everything. I'm starting to feel more like me. I even cried for the first time in years this morning. It was like a relief more than feeling sad. I've got all new bed covers and pillows and even though they are naff value ones they are mine. I swapped rooms with the boys and have decorated my new room the way I like it. It's like my little sanctuary from the world instead of a reminder of a place I felt like a sex toy. I've also changed the living room around and just made it nicer. Also knowing he won't "accidently" break anything nice I got for the place. He's still in my head but I'm making an effort to change that.

Thanks again everyone for listening to my ramblings.

You are a strong woman @Henrythehoover I'm in awe honestly, truly incredible.

I don't even have friends, so totally understand even with family, they take that away too. I don't know if it was the same for you, but no one would believe me if I said stuff about my DP, makes me think I must be crazy to feel/believe such things like it's all in my head etc.

I think will get their strength from you and if anything they could call you? I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry and reassure them that you are there etc

I bet it feels refreshing to change things around to the way you want them, I'm happy for you, doesn't matter about the price just that it's yours and yours alone. You didn't have to ask him or have him give his opinion (not that it bloody matters) but after a while it does doesn't it?

Oh and I don't believe they are ramblings, you have written very eloquently.

I hope, despite him having the kids, you can rest up a bit? Even just to veg out on the sofa or lie in the garden (weather permitting of course!) anything that you want to do x

Sorry, I haven't read the full thread but it sounds like you've come a long way and done brilliantly.

I'm puzzled why you are allowing him to exert control over you via text? Why let him come along on your night out, so to speak? I recommend that you block his number and set up and email account and only communicate via this when it suits you.

Until you put a stop to this he's still got some control over you. Keep the text messages as evidence of unreasonable, stalking behaviour but stop reading them now.

Good luck.

So first week off work and enjoying having the children. I've felt so down about having to work the first three weeks of the holidays so it's good to spend time with them. I'm having a few problems with the boys playing up and expecting to get everything they want as they have been with his mum who gives into their every desire. Especially the older of the two. She seems to favour him which isn't fair.

As for ex he's backed off a bit even though he still thinks we have a chance. He came round to see the kids last night and despite trying to give me a hug pretty much just spent time with the kids so that's good. My oldest dd 12 won't speak to him and I don't no why. She has told me we seem so happy without him she's worried we will get back together.

So was thinking things were getting better but now got my exmil on my case about his health and picking on anything the children say we do with a "how can you afford that" comment. He's been signed off for another month so guess that will be another excuse for no payment. I'm trying to stay civil with his mum as she helps with childcare and I need her help for the last few days of the holiday.