Not sure how to go on! Feel like a horrible person.

[Henrythehoover]

This is a bit of a difficult subject and I'm really struggling to know what to do.

I feel really unhappy but not sure how to sort this. I've been with my dp over a decade and we have children together. He's always been a big guy (obese) he used to care about how he looked ect when we met but over the last few years he's just stopped caring to the point he has a shower about once a month when I moan about it he never brushes his teeth (they are rotting) and it's just horrible. He's also very clingy and makes me feel bad for just being me when his anxiety gets bad. It's like I'm responsible for how he feels as in his words "if your not happy I'm not"

We do have good times together but this underlying stuff is really getting to me. The kids are picking up on things too and it's not good. Like they think over eating is normal and don't want to help round the house. I feel so mean feeling sick of it all and I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person for not standing by him when he needs me aren't I?

I've tried talking about it and get told things will change but they never do. It's so difficult to cope with and to make it worse I have no one to talk to a out it. If anyone has any suggestions for making it better as I just don't know what to do.

Urgh he's now started all the I've lost the best thing to happen to me crap again. Think I'm going to block.

Hi Henry. I've just read your post and although I've not been through anything similar.... you are heading through the tunnel and there is light at the end of it. You sound extremely strong for both yourself and your DC. Sending you well wishes, and hang in there.

Don't listen to his mum, it's none of her business what you spend your money on the cheeky cow. Try and be civil with her as you need her at the moment for childcare but just keep contact to a minimum.

And just ignore your ex texts, he has lost the best thing that ever happened to him which is you. You deserve better, keep going. Your doing so well x

God it's like one step forward then ten back. I've been having a great time off work with the children. Meeting up with people and this weekend when ex had them (sat morn till sun eve) I spent some time on my own and then went to lunch with some friends who I haven't seen in years.

So this eve he refused to drop them off and that I meet them half way at 8pm he only lives 10miles away so not exactly a long drive and I'm always doing the running around. It was half hour after the youngest bedtime and he hadn't fed them dinner as they had a cooked lunch (I have no idea what that's all about) so I had to get home feed them and get them to bed.

I then noticed while youngest was getting changed for bed a red ring on his leg. On closer inspection it was a burn. I questioned ds and he first said it was a cut but when I said it was a burn he said he had taken the car cigarette thing and pushed it on his leg and it hurt. I rang ex to ask why our 6yo was playing with it and he said he didn't know and he just showed him after it happened. Then went into one of his we are meant to be rants ignoring my concern.

Urgh woken up late last night with a call from his worried younger brother asking if I'd seen him as he had not come home and sending him weird txts. His brother is alot younger than him (20) and was really upset so I told him if I heard I'd let him no. He then txt later to say he had turned up and sorry that he had bothered me.

So there we have it he's onto the threats of suicide stage but as I'm ignoring he's upsetting his brother instead.

Before anyone asks I have my phone on at night as I'm one of my nans emergency contacts for her emergency button so keep it on for that.

Anyway off for a day out with some people I know from the school and their children today so that should be fun.

OMG - I feel for you and the absolute shit you are having to put up with from your dh. He is an total nightmare, isn't he?

I would make it very clear to the db that you are not to be contacted in this type of situation. You have split up and you are not responsible for dh's appalling behaviour.

You are doing so well, but your stbx will keep on trying because he's an abusive twat! Stay strong, keep going - you are doing so well!

Enjoy your day out, and try to put him out of your mind and relax if you can.

Look how far youve come op, from your original post. Youre doing amazingly.
If you have an iphone you can set it up so that it's on do not disturb but have your nans number as an exception so her calls will wake you? No one elses can though?

OP, you can set your phone to let just certain numbers (and even email addresses!) through at night (you can choose what times are your 'do not disturb' hours, and have only certain people get through then), if you know the numbers that could call for your nan this may help.
Have a look in settings (or find a geek to help set it up!).

Henry this thread and your handling of your situation is just amazing. I hope you are getting on well.

Hi all thought I'd update. Things are going well I had a great two weeks off with the children and I'm enjoying them so much more these days now he's not trying to stop me talking to them. They have changed alot too. My middle child is struggling a bit and is acting out alot but the other two seem happy.

Money is very tight and I sometimes get a bit down when I see pictures of him on fb going out and about everywhere with joint friends on fb but hey I'm glad to be rid. He's been signed off work since I split with him so if his company catch on to all that it won't last.

He's getting nastier lately since it's sinking in he can't make me feel bad anymore but that was expected. Other than that things are ok.

Keep going - you have been so strong. Things will get better.

Hi Henry, glad to hear you're doing ok. Keep strong, you have made an amazing change for yourself and your kids and I think it was absolutely the right decision to make. Perhaps come off Facebook for a bit. I know I do when anxiety is bad as that makes things look so much better than the reality.
Wishing you well and I admire the strength you have had to do this

I am a single mum. It is much easier than coping with a bad relationship. You will cope.

I wonder is it worth getting the CMS on the case for maintenance? He shouldn't be leaving you with nothing.

Also, I don't think you should let him come into your home at all to see the kids. He can see them at his mother's.

I am in awe of you. You have just saved yourself and your dc from a lifetime of emotional and mental abuse. Well done.

God OP my ex behaved in exactly the same way as yours. It's like they have a script. I also had the ex mil blagging my head to take him back. It took a new relationship to make him back off and even now 8 years on he thinks I'll take him back eventually. Daft twat.

I see he hasn't done the nasty nasty stage properly yet. This is the bit that makes the kids (and yourself) anxious for ages. It's very wearing and tiresum. Keep an eye on it as your kids won't be safe emotionally with him and physically given the above post. Pull back contact through this bit.

Go through the official channels for maintenance and I would really recommend asking the police to have a stern word about leaving you alone. I wish I had done that sooner, it flipped a switch in my exs head.

All these meet me halfway and leaving you short of money are just manipulations so you keep thinking about him and he still has a bit of control over you.

Keep firm, keep using your support and don't be scared to bring out the big guns if he doesn't behave. It really helps

You're doing great OP! You've come along way on this thread

You can get apps where you can block his number, might be worth using when hes not got the kids

Glad you're getting out and about more with the children and your old friends.

It hit me you saying your daughter commented on how much happier you were, that speaks volumes

Keep going OP! X

Henry, what an amazing, strong woman you are. I think what you have disclosed here only touches the surface of what you have had to put up with. Things have come up in later posts that I am shocked about but you had taken action by then thank goodness.

Have you got any money from him yet? He may have been signed off sick, but lots of companies have 6 months full pay, 6 months half pay, does this apply to him ? He is living with his mother so has few expenses. I hope that tax credits etc have worked out for you, it's good if you don't have to rely on him for money and just keep any money you may get from him as extra, so he has no financial hold over you.

Keep going OP 💐

Following your thread and willing you on OP

Thanks for the replies everyone. I've been having a bad few days my middle son is being very hard work he's tantruming all the time it's like having a 2 year old again but he's so strong as he's 9.

Ex is being over clingy making excuses to turn up all the time. I'm being cold as I can but I swear he lives in his own world where me saying I'm not interested is translated as "yes we should get back together" he's still signed off but his mates fb is covered in pictures of them at all the attractions in London etc so must be dying. He also had a massive bacterial skin infection on his face so cleanings going well. Enough about him anyway.

His mum on the other hand has been making my life he'll. She has a favourite of the kids (middle son) and buys him presents all the time. I've finally said no more as his temper is awful and he is so spoilt. I've told her that they are only aloud things for birthdays, Christmas and other bug events. Anyway the day after telling her this I get a text from her boss asking if she can give her money to buy the children a present. Needless to say I was fuming as it's obvious she told the boss that I wasn't allowing her to treat her poor grandchildren. I politely declined the woman's offer and told his mum to stop undermining me.

I was suppose to be doing extra work for a couple of weeks but have cancelled as I would rather pick the children up from school than have her do it as I can't trust her to listen to me.

I am good friends with ex's cousin (they aren't close and we have known each other since school) and she was telling me how whe she was 14 she had a 19yo boyfriend who her parents banned her from seeing. Ex's mum used to say she was taking her out for the day and drop her at the boyfreinds. So that's the kind of woman I'm dealing with. I'm also booking a holiday club for half term so she doesn't have them. Maybe I'm being mean but I can't have her poisoning them against me and buying their love.

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble but I needed to vent as I've been on such a downer the last week.

Feeling a bit better today. It's so hard going it alone but it is better in the long run.

Well done you on coming this far.

You will hit what fills like walls of concrete then find an inner strength to get through the next hurdle. Onwards and upwards

Shit, Henry; I have just found your thread and read the whole way through. You are simply phenomenal. I can't imagine how strong you have to be to put up with all that garbage!

Power to you; you can do this

Thank you I really don't feel to strong alot if the time. I'm just really stuborn when I want to be.

You're doing so bloody well lass.