Not sure how to go on! Feel like a horrible person.

[Henrythehoover]

This is a bit of a difficult subject and I'm really struggling to know what to do.

I feel really unhappy but not sure how to sort this. I've been with my dp over a decade and we have children together. He's always been a big guy (obese) he used to care about how he looked ect when we met but over the last few years he's just stopped caring to the point he has a shower about once a month when I moan about it he never brushes his teeth (they are rotting) and it's just horrible. He's also very clingy and makes me feel bad for just being me when his anxiety gets bad. It's like I'm responsible for how he feels as in his words "if your not happy I'm not"

We do have good times together but this underlying stuff is really getting to me. The kids are picking up on things too and it's not good. Like they think over eating is normal and don't want to help round the house. I feel so mean feeling sick of it all and I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person for not standing by him when he needs me aren't I?

I've tried talking about it and get told things will change but they never do. It's so difficult to cope with and to make it worse I have no one to talk to a out it. If anyone has any suggestions for making it better as I just don't know what to do.

Thanks I'm trying to. He keeps trying to worm his way back in but I'm standing strong. I am feeling good at the moment. His mum is still doing everything to undermine me but I will just have to keep strong.

A good update lass. It will get easier and you'll look back on this and be proud of how you've done.

Well my mum was saying how much i have changed. We did a marathon walk this weekend for the second time. The first being two years ago and this weekend she said she couldn't believe the difference in me. 2years ago I had no drive really struggled with it and mentally was just worn down. This year I was upbeat knocked an hour off out time and loved every moment of it. I was chatty and got really into it. I think her noticing made me realise I had done the right thing.

I'd so dob him into his work! Wanker! Don't let him come round to your house, even if it's a pita. He needs to realise that it's YOUR house, not his and he can't come round when he fancies. You're too nice, Henry! Be consistent and stop him invading your space. It's a trauma, but so worth it.

You're being amazing, girl, don't stop!

Love your last post! Keep on going up!

Henry I've just read your whole thread and I'm so in awe of you. You go from strength to strength with nearly every post, even if you don't feel like you do.

It's so telling who your eldest DC feels like the house is so much happier now. What a cloud you were all living under before.

May be I spoke to soon about things being great the children came back home after school Monday (ex dropped them off at school) and ever since youngest who's 6 has been acting weird he wet himself yesterday and today played up at school and then this evening weed on the living room floor something that he never does. It's like a different little boy has come home

He's going to need time to process it all.

I’d maybe take the youngest to the GP, get him checked over and get it on record. If it does turn nasty and he takes you to court for more access having a paper trail of any concerns about the kids will help your case.

Have you talked to him about how he feels about going to his dads and if anything happens there that he doesn’t like or that makes him feel uncomfortable?

I'm being cold as I can but I swear he lives in his own world where me saying I'm not interested is translated as "yes we should get back together"

His behaviour reminds me of an ex bf....he had a serious personality disorder. A diagnosis he neglected to mention to me, which i only found out when i had to get the law involved due to his behaviour.
He too was totally absorbed in his own fantasy world, anything i said/did was twisted to suit his agenda depending on whether he was playing Jekyll or Hyde.
Once he realised i was serious and there was no going back he became very nasty and psychopathic in his behaviour towards me and anyone i gave attention to (incl my 3 nephews and nieces - eldest was 4 at the time).

I would be keeping a close eye - and a written record - of the injuries and change in behaviour in your dc.
I have an uneasy feeling he is deliberately injuring/scaring your dc to get your attention.
No child holds something hot, like the lighter, next to their skin 'by accident' for so long that it leaves a distinct burn.
The bedwetting etc...he could well be putting all sorts of crap in their heads about getting back together - which as you already know is something that scares them.

Please speak to your gp/counsellor to get their professional insight and support, you need to be extra vigilant.
Reading that long msg he sent you - he's using 'scripted' lines to try and reel you back in.

Your response - be it positive or negative - is fuel for him.

Thank you for your reply I was really stupid yesterday I have been working fill time the last few days to make it so I get more holiday to cover the half term. The school club fell through so I asked if him or his mum could pick up the children yesterday and today so I could work till 5. They agreed but I forgot his mum still has a key. I got home to find him sitting on my sofa and my as soon as I got in my middle child 9 came running up telling me I had to see something in my room. I went upstairs to find light bulbs had been smashed all over my bed. Apparently my youngest had done it which is weird as I keep them on the top shelf in the kitchen. I flew downstairs and had a go at him for not watching them and he denied it and said he had been keeping an eye on them. My youngest says he fell over and it broke on my bed. Which just happened to be in my room that the boys don't go in and is the place I've just made somewhere I want to be. He's meant to be having them next week after school too but now I'm not sure. I don't want to let work down but I don't know. I feel like I'm letting my children down. I'm stuck between having the holidays off so I don't have to find childcare or letting them be wirh him another week. My oldest wasn't about so I couldn't ask her what actually happened.

I keep wondering how I got wirh and stayed with such an idiot for so long. What the he'll was wrong with me not to see it?

I've probably completely outed myself on this thread but I don't care anymore it's becoming somewhere I can vent and I couldn't have got this far without all of you.

That I should do dangerous. Are you sure he didn't do it?

Change the locks on your front door so he can't come into your house anymore.

That is so dangerous

That's what I was wondering little one keeps saying he fell over with it.

He's got them after school today but I've said I will pick them up from his as I don't want him in my house. I just feel really deflated at the moment.

I've been reading your thread op.
Can you change the locks?
Why is he having the kids at yours?

I forgot his mum still had a key as far as I'd known they were dropping them back. Turned out shed dropped him round instead

I'm going to call the housing association to see if I'm ok to change the locks today.

This is yet another example of his psychopathy....and he's got your dc lying to you already.
You don't need to ask your children, OP.
You know they're innocent - and they shouldn't be getting dragged into their parents mess.

Fuck work - your children need your protection right now.
Take your holidays, take sick leave/leave of absence, take the time you need to start dealing with this (basic home/personal security and safety first)

He's got an unhealthy obsession/attachment to you, OP.
He is deliberately putting the dc in danger/at risk to get at you

You should be getting seriously worried/scared by now.
You've never seen this side to him before, he is cold, calculated and vicious in his 'punishment' of you and it will keep escalating....

Deal with this NOW.....before he kills your dc to 'punish' you for 'abandoning' him.

I apologise again for being 'alarmist'.......but I never would have believed my ex was an arsonist who tried to burn down his former home (residents in situ) had i not read it for myself.

You can change the locks - you just need to inform them or give them a copy if those are the rules.

change the locks tell housing association you lost the keys or something.

I think you need to involve outside agencies here, it seems like things are escalating and he’s ramping up his attempts to regain control of the situation.

Definitely get your convers logged, call the GP, women’s aid and maybe even social services for advice and support, you need to have a paper trail to back up your concerns.

Ideally he would not have unsupervised access to the children at all, I get that this is difficult with work though. Can you find a child minder or au pair to help out after school? Easier said than done I know but I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him.

You’ve come such a long way already though, keep going you can do it

Concerns logged that should say

I have just read the whole thread and don't usually comment on other people's relationship issues but...
Henry you are such a strong and deserving woman. So much respect for you.
I agree with PPs absolutely get the locks changes asap. Do not let him over the threshold again. Think this might also be giving mixed messages to your middle DS. I would contact the school and see if you can get some counselling in place for him.
Try and find somebody else to help with midweek childcare, although I do realise that is sometimes that is the most difficult thing to organise. Can they attend afterschool clubs?
You need to have as little contact with him as possible and also your MIL especially because of your DS.
By having contact with him you're giving DS mixed messages, he is obviously very influenced by exDP and MIL.
As [psycho] mentioned, maybe it is time to involve outside agencies. Although you have been coping brilliantly, you need to get some outside support now and maybe even get some counselling for yourself as it is good to speak to somebody who is not directly involved.
Look after yourself

'I'm a horrible person for not standing by him when he needs me aren't I? '

Absolutely and definitely NOT. You have needs too, which you are completely ignoring. Your purpose in life is not to support and facilitate him, getting nothing in return ... and imagine if your kids grew up with the idea that that is a good way to live.

Maybe you would find it helpful to read about codependency: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

I too have stayed with someone in the past out of guilt ... I see now that it was not helping either of us. Go and live your life :)