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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not sure how to go on! Feel like a horrible person.

400 replies

Henrythehoover · 06/06/2017 17:44

This is a bit of a difficult subject and I'm really struggling to know what to do.

I feel really unhappy but not sure how to sort this. I've been with my dp over a decade and we have children together. He's always been a big guy (obese) he used to care about how he looked ect when we met but over the last few years he's just stopped caring to the point he has a shower about once a month when I moan about it he never brushes his teeth (they are rotting) and it's just horrible. He's also very clingy and makes me feel bad for just being me when his anxiety gets bad. It's like I'm responsible for how he feels as in his words "if your not happy I'm not"

We do have good times together but this underlying stuff is really getting to me. The kids are picking up on things too and it's not good. Like they think over eating is normal and don't want to help round the house. I feel so mean feeling sick of it all and I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person for not standing by him when he needs me aren't I?

I've tried talking about it and get told things will change but they never do. It's so difficult to cope with and to make it worse I have no one to talk to a out it. If anyone has any suggestions for making it better as I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
yourerubberimglue · 09/07/2017 04:29

How did he take it out on his mum?

I'm so proud and know exactly what you mean about disconnecting.
I also was one of the children who got a lot of the 'look how mean your dad is for leaving me' talk but tbh it pushed me closer to him because he wasn't always pressuring me and stressing about them and not me.

You'll get there OP, you'll survive this x

Henrythehoover · 09/07/2017 06:43

He shouted and swore at her because I won't do what he wants. Being away from him is making me realise I wasn't going mad he really is a self centres child but while I was living wirh it I just couldn't think.

OP posts:
friedegs · 09/07/2017 07:54

Keep going! You are giving your DC a much healthier home life and you sound very capable of making a wonderful family home without an abusive father.

Henrythehoover · 09/07/2017 07:57

Thank you I have to say on the house front the place is now spotless and I like being here. First time I've felt that way in a long time! It's so calm and even the children are helping more. They still have their arguments but it isn't escalated by an adult causing more grief. It's just nice.

OP posts:
nachogazpacho · 09/07/2017 08:22

You're going to have to keep him at arms length. Ask his mum to drop off and pick up the kids, or you can drop off as in stay in your car and drop them at the end of the path and watch them go in. Then his mum can drop off. Just don't allow the situation where he gets to see you face to face. Speak to the dc and make sure they know it's your decision and no matter what dad says to them to say to you it won't change your mind and it's not their responsibility or fault. He's going to put them under more emotional pressure to get his way.

SnugglyBedSocks · 09/07/2017 08:35

I'm going through similar in that i have recently split from husband. As you pay the bills have you contacted the council about your single person discount for your council tax

Henrythehoover · 11/07/2017 20:53

Thought I'd come back and say hi. Had an awful day yesterday being made to feel bad about it all then shouted at the neighbours kids who wouldn't get out of my garden then had an argument wirh their mum. Not my finest hour and completely out of character for me.

To make things worse then ex turned up as oldest had called him and told him what happened so he tried to use it to say I couldn't cope. He hung round till the kids went to bed and then tried to hint at sex. I told him to get out and after a bit of "we belong together" he left.

This morning my neighbour came round to apologise and said she never knew I could get angry. Luckily today's has been so much better

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 12/07/2017 05:46

So good to read your updates. There will be shitty days but if the general trend is up that's fabulous news.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/07/2017 07:35

Gosh, some of this is so reminiscent of XH (some bits were better, some worse). He used to bring round food as some kind of peace offering. I refused it, and told the DC they could accept treats from him but I wasn't having groceries. One time he came in with a whole load of shopping including a hot chicken and got the DC to ask if he could put the cold items in the freezer. I chased him down the road and threw the chicken after him! He didn't do it again. The subtle approach never worked on XH.

He also used to call me to speak about the DC but shoehorn in personal stuff. One day he told me he had a dream about waking up in bed with me and asking if we were together again and I'd said we were. I told him if he said anything of the kind again I would report him to the police for harassment. He got angry, said I was paranoid and slammed the phone down, but it stuck.

Embrace your anger. Properly channelled, instead of turned inward, it gives strength. Well done to you for standing up to the neighbour, and fair enough, well done to the neighbour for apologising.

CrazyHairSister · 12/07/2017 09:19

OP I've just read the whole thing start to finish and wanted to say well done, you've been so strong for your children.

You are already getting hints of the happier life that you will have without him.

If he truly loved you and truly wanted to try again / prove he could change, then he would be taking all the pressure off you and wouldn't be emotionally blackmailing you. He would be focusing on the children to show that he can get an active and involved loving father, not using them as an excuse to see you.

All he is doing is showing what a selfish, controlling arse he is.

Keep going OP. You are doing great.

StormTreader · 12/07/2017 09:50

"he tried to use it to say I couldn't cope. He hung round till the kids went to bed and then tried to hint at sex. "

Wow, what a winner he is Hmm

Henrythehoover · 12/07/2017 11:17

He's always been like that. He thinks he's entitled to sex as a reward if that makes sence. It's funny since being away from him for a week I can see how bad things were and I'm starting to feel like a person again. Granted a bit of an angry person but at least I'm feeling something.

OP posts:
Henrythehoover · 12/07/2017 11:18

Sorry Annie that did make me laugh

OP posts:
StormTreader · 12/07/2017 13:13

A reward for what, for saying you're incompetent and cant cope?
"Youre doing rubbish, now wheres my sex?"

Youre well rid!

Henrythehoover · 12/07/2017 13:39

It used to be as an award for picking up some of his rubbish or washing up. He thought for doing some mundane task I should be so grateful that I should forfil his right to have sex.

OP posts:
Henrythehoover · 12/07/2017 13:42

It makes me sad thinking of all the rubbish I put up with for the last 10 years in the name of keeping a happy family for the kids.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 12/07/2017 14:10

The fact that your eldest child called your father because he saw you get angry reflects how much you have suppressed your (rightful) angry for so long.

They must be a bit anxious about the changes. To reassure them, I think you need to sit down with your children and explain to them that sometimes getting angry is OK, and they shouldn't get worried (and call your ex) if you get cross sometimes.

Henrythehoover · 13/07/2017 20:54

I have spoken to them and they were fine. I think as I was getting them out of my garden as they were throwing stuff at my middle d's made them feel I would stick up for them.

They saw their dad this evening and seemed to have a good time. He always gets funny when he sees me but says the councillor says he had abandonment issues and a long list of other things. I'm just distancing myself for the moment. I'm on good terms with his mum who can help with child care for a few days over the holidays so that's a bit of a worry gone as I haven't had time to save for anything. My mum has paid for a few weeks in childcare too. Things seem better lately thanks so much everyone for helping me fond the strength to do this. Looking back over my first few messages it's like reading someone else's words it's so strange.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 13/07/2017 21:56

Really pleased that things are getting better, op. Flowers

Henrythehoover · 17/07/2017 17:32

Hi all how's it going? I've can't believe it's been nearly 3 weeks now. He's still being full on but I'm keeping my distance sent a very long weird message that sounded almost obsessions about being addicted to the way I move and smile ect. And how he will never give up as we are meant to grow old together . Not once in the very long thing did he mention the children.

I seem to be going through lots of emotion at the moment. Think I'm getting sorted with the money side of things. Even if the hb is only £2 a week. Little one is playing up at school alot which is hard.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/07/2017 21:19

It seems like you are building clarity and strength every time you post.

He really doesn't give a monkeys about the children. How sad. How utterly self centred of him to think you would want to spend your life with him when he would rather your children didn't exist. Mind you, do his obsessive rants consider what you might want? Or is it all toddler-style wah wah me me I want I want?

Henrythehoover · 17/07/2017 21:32

Dear henry

Words can’t explain how terrified I’ve been to write you this, but i feel like it can’t hurt, Can it? Well, we’ll see. I just want you to know how i completely feel. The last thing i want is to come across your mind as needy and desperate. ( But thats not the Case for a change) Its Just My heart speaking

I guess I’ve decided to write this because lately, I miss you so much it hurts. I miss looking forward to talking to you and seeing you everyday. I miss when we would just talk on the phone for hours. I miss when I would go to look at you, but you were already looking at me first. Some days I miss you so much i go through all the messages you wrote me, and it makes me smile, but then I wake up in the morning realise you’re not here anymore, and I get sad again. To hear i was your world, always made me feel special. You were not ashamed of me and you would remind me you loved me everyday.

I’ve tried to convince myself i don’t want you anymore. But I just can’t let go. I don’t want to see you move on, but I’m not doing much about it either. I know I've been pressuring you.

I could tell you how much Ive missed you for days and weeks , but I feel like it won’t make a difference.

You are too much for me, yet I can’t get enough!! I simply cannot put into words how I feel about you when I see you, hear you! I Smile so much my fat face hurts. I take in the way you move, the way you talk, whenever you are around although it may only be for brief moment, it’s enough to make my day.

These intense feelings will never go away.

Every day and night I thank god that you came into my life and I try to tell you how I feel, because what I feel for you exists inside my heart.

Removed a bit that will out me

If you decide to open up your heart to me again, you will benefit from my improved personal standards and my better self confidence and none needyness which can only serve to elevate this relationship from the emotional state in which it seems to have found itself in. Every second we’ve been apart, every word, action and thought that has ever been spoken or passed, has travelled thru the depths of my mind And it makes me a better person everyday. I guess what I’m trying to say is that, look its not a need or neccesity to have you back, but its a choice instead to want to be with you again.

And my mind and heart choose to be with you – so look there’s a difference between needing you back and choosing to want to be with you. The purpose of this message is to let you acknowledge that I’m not asking for you to take me back right now, I don’t want to be selfish and pressure you to be back with me all over again. NO i dont want that! All im trying to say and gain from this letter is for a little sign of hope that one day this mind of mine will be under control and it will be sunny again between you and me and we can grow old (older) together Cuz the way i feel about you is a really rare type of love.

OP posts:
Henrythehoover · 17/07/2017 21:33

I know I probably shouldn't have shared this but this is the general gist of the messages I've cut out the middle as it's very outing

OP posts:
Henrythehoover · 17/07/2017 21:34

As you can see not a single word about the kids or being a family and they just seem to be getting worse.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/07/2017 21:53

That's all about him and his needs.

What a waste of space he is.

Are you still getting in person and on phone whining too? Are you ready to stop reading what he sends yet?