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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure how to go on! Feel like a horrible person.

400 replies

Henrythehoover · 06/06/2017 17:44

This is a bit of a difficult subject and I'm really struggling to know what to do.

I feel really unhappy but not sure how to sort this. I've been with my dp over a decade and we have children together. He's always been a big guy (obese) he used to care about how he looked ect when we met but over the last few years he's just stopped caring to the point he has a shower about once a month when I moan about it he never brushes his teeth (they are rotting) and it's just horrible. He's also very clingy and makes me feel bad for just being me when his anxiety gets bad. It's like I'm responsible for how he feels as in his words "if your not happy I'm not"

We do have good times together but this underlying stuff is really getting to me. The kids are picking up on things too and it's not good. Like they think over eating is normal and don't want to help round the house. I feel so mean feeling sick of it all and I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person for not standing by him when he needs me aren't I?

I've tried talking about it and get told things will change but they never do. It's so difficult to cope with and to make it worse I have no one to talk to a out it. If anyone has any suggestions for making it better as I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Henrythehoover · 17/07/2017 21:58

The only times I've seen him is with his mum and when he tries to find ways to get me on my own she tells him to leave and alone. He also still tries to get the kids to pass the phone over. I'm going away with the kids for a few days and I think it will help.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 17/07/2017 22:10

Don't answer. Keep your distance. Don't give him an inch. Don't be with him on your own. Hopefully he'll get the message eventually. But you really mustn't reward this kind of behaviour with any answers or response, because that's what he is looking for - getting a reaction from you (other than your continuing to ignore him).

If he asks you, keep repeating the same - No, it's over. No, you don't want to get back. No, there is no hope. Please stop this.

Over and over and over.

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 17/07/2017 23:11

I find it really hard to do that all the time I know I shouldn't and he knows I don't like causing drama so plays on it doesn't he.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 18/07/2017 15:47

Yes, he does. You need to steel yourself. Remember how he drags your children to get what he wants. How he takes you for granted.

But let's be clear about it - you are causing no drama. You want a divorce and are behaving in a civilised way. It's he who is causing all the drama. Don't believe that you are responsible for it in any way.

One thing that I found helpful is thinking that you can feel whatever you like. But you don't have to act on your feelings. So you feel guilty, you know you shouldn't, but don't beat yourself about it - it will go away. Just don't give in to your feelings. Act with your head - which in this case means, don't pacify him, don't appease him, don't give him what he wants.

Horrible overgrown baby.

jesterlaughing · 18/07/2017 17:12

I had an ex like this. He was actually an alcoholic but what a self pitying dickhead.

The language used is just so whiney. Why does anyone think that's attractive?

Just creepy and stalkerish.

Why would I be overjoyed you've decided to have a shower? How low do you think my bar is set?

ARGH!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/07/2017 18:59

Can you avoid even meeting him with his mum?

If he asks the children to hand the phone over, I would take it then immediately hang up. The children shouldn't have to tell him no. He should be taught that putting pressure on them results in abruptly ended contact.

The first time it happens I would state what I'm doing, not wait for a response nor listen to any response and hang up even if he's talking. Next time I'd just hang up immediately.

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 26/07/2017 07:33

Hi again. So I've backed off alot over the last week. Things have been alot better and I took the children away for a long weekend with my family. I don't know why but half way through the weekend I got really anxious and couldn't stop being sick. O was so glad I had people with me to help out but it was awful. I think I was really conscious of the kids playing up and everything just hit me.

My dd keeps telling people she's worried we will get back together as I'm so much happier now and she doesn't want that to change. This is all so hard my youngest 6 had started talking like a baby which the school say is normal and also hiding under the desk and getting upset alot. I feel so bad for making them feel this way!

OP posts:
AufderAutobahn · 26/07/2017 08:12

The fact your DD says life is better now you and your ex have split shows you definitely made the right decision! The phase your 6yo is going through must be difficult to see but it will pass and any pain now will be nothing compared to how their lives would have been if you had remained with your ex. Stay strong xxx

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/07/2017 19:06

You didn't make this happen. He did. Now you are fixing the mess he made of your children's heads. They'll be fine. It will take some time because they will need to see with their own eyes that they can trust you not to let him back. Only time can prove to them that they are free and you put them first now.

JackTwist · 26/07/2017 21:27

I've just read the whole thread and I want to say I think you are incredible. The calm and dignified way you have handled this from the start is amazing. Best of luck to you and your family you're all going to be great SmileFlowers

GlitterSparkles17 · 26/07/2017 21:46

Just read the thread and I've got to say I thought I would get to the end and you would still be with him! You should be very proud OP. You will find things will fall into place eventually, you shouldn't contemplate being with someone who makes you so unhappy just because of money, you will find a way to manage your money, and stop telling yourself you can't cope with the kids!! It's him that's put that in your head to make you feel like you need him there, you don't! Your a great mum who has thought of her kids the whole way through this, he hasn't thought of them once has he. He's obsessed with you and it's not normal.

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 26/07/2017 22:33

Thanks he started when I went to pick them up today as he had told them I would have fish and chips with them. When I said no he started shouting at me saying he deserved to spend time with me and talk about stuff. I pointed out that I've done my talking and it wasn't the time or place as the children were there and getting upset. He carried on even though they were crying about not having dinner together so I got them in the car and said from now on I'm not going to be near him and that he could have the children every other weekend to which he replied "Why would I want to do that". Right in front of them. With that I slammed the door and drove off with the husterical children. The good thing is it's making me realise I have done the right thing.

Since then his mum has rang leaving multiple messages about him being ill and not knowing what he's saying and how he will be better ect.

I really wish I didn't have to rely on her for childcare.

Thanks everyone for your kind words by the way. I have good and bad days I seem to be being sick alot lately which isn't nice. It's mainly when I get stressed and I get this terrible pain in my chest then I'm sick. It's so horrible.

OP posts:
GlitterSparkles17 · 26/07/2017 22:44

He agreed it with the kids to make you feel like you didn't have a choice and then has got angry when you have said no and actually stood your ground. Well done OP. He's using the kids to get close to you again he's a pathetic dad.

Giraffey1 · 27/07/2017 01:26

The letter he sent you was all about him and demonstrated absolutely that he is smotheringly needy. Sadly, he doesn't seem to recognise this. I actually found the letter quite creepy.
His behaviour when he was living with you was all about him and his own needs. He only made changes when he thought he wasn't going to get his own way.
His behaviour now is still all about him and his perceived needs. He doesn't see you as an individual, nor your children. He just uses them - and you - to try and get what he wants.
You sound stronger with every post, OP, your language is changing and you seem to be seeing things more clearly and dispassionately. It's great to see the change in you!

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 27/07/2017 07:46

Thank you I feel so relieved to have finally done it and the distance has made me see things as they really are. He still true to talk me down to make me submit to his constant demands but it doesn't work anymore so he just ramps it up. I really feel for the children in this as he just sees them as tools to hurt me. J just wish I had some other form of childcare for the holidays other than his mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Henrythehoover · 27/07/2017 11:44

If anyone has tops for how they manage childcare on their own with very little cash please let me know as I'm trying to work it out.

OP posts:
GlitterSparkles17 · 27/07/2017 21:27

You should get tax credits to help with that. When you submit your single claim it will ask you how much per week you pay in childcare fees too. Go onto the tax credits calculator and it will tell you roughly what you will get.

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 27/07/2017 21:45

I get tax credits but I don't know how much I would pay in childcare as I've never needed it (the summer club I use won't take them) I thought if you took the vouchers you lost your tax credits which I'm currently using to live on at the moment. As my wages only just cover the rent. I put in a claim for housing benefit and I now get £5 a week towards rent. When I did the calculator it said it would be higher but maybe because they only cover 2 children now. I don't know. Think I may need to take a trip to citizens advice. I get £12000 a year so after tax it's not much.

OP posts:
jerryg · 28/07/2017 12:14

Ring the nursery you want to use and ask how much fees are for the time you need, then ring tax credits and explain the situation. It's been a while since I did this but at the time, I'm sure they covered around 70% of the fees and it went into my bank along with the rest. Anyway, they will be able to help you. Really feel for you OP, you are doing great

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 28/07/2017 13:45

Thank you they are older than nursery age as they are 6, 9 and 12. Will investigate it.

OP posts:
jerryg · 28/07/2017 15:06

Mine too, the nursery I used had an after-school and school holidays facility for older children. The money was spread out throughout the year though I think. Good luck!

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 03/08/2017 11:20

Hi thought I'd update. Things at home are so much better. I am having fun with the children now and they are starting to help more round the house and just seem happy. Of course I still have days where all they do is argue but that's to be expected. I'm not living in dread of him coming in from work and starting on me about sex/being happy ect.

He has finally sorted helping me with money but not until the end of this month. I said why not sooner and got told if I need anything just ask Hmm.

His messages are getting weirder and weirder. Some are almost like spam emails with things like:

"hi I'm #$%#÷ I think your pretty I'm shy and think we should meet up sometime to get to know each other!"

He's just getting more and more odd as time goes on. It's a bit creepy

OP posts:
Original poster
Henrythehoover · 03/08/2017 13:49

Not sure why there's a star in there?

OP posts:
JackTwist · 03/08/2017 14:04

That dosent look like it was meant for you? Or he's trying to make it look that way.

Original poster
Henrythehoover · 03/08/2017 14:10

It was for me he wants to start again forget everything and start over. First with dates (we never went on a date when we first got together) he's also asked me to wait for him. Until he gets better as he doesn't need to be with me he chooses to be with me and that's different apparently.

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