Not sure how to go on! Feel like a horrible person.

[Henrythehoover]

This is a bit of a difficult subject and I'm really struggling to know what to do.

I feel really unhappy but not sure how to sort this. I've been with my dp over a decade and we have children together. He's always been a big guy (obese) he used to care about how he looked ect when we met but over the last few years he's just stopped caring to the point he has a shower about once a month when I moan about it he never brushes his teeth (they are rotting) and it's just horrible. He's also very clingy and makes me feel bad for just being me when his anxiety gets bad. It's like I'm responsible for how he feels as in his words "if your not happy I'm not"

We do have good times together but this underlying stuff is really getting to me. The kids are picking up on things too and it's not good. Like they think over eating is normal and don't want to help round the house. I feel so mean feeling sick of it all and I don't know what to do. I'm a horrible person for not standing by him when he needs me aren't I?

I've tried talking about it and get told things will change but they never do. It's so difficult to cope with and to make it worse I have no one to talk to a out it. If anyone has any suggestions for making it better as I just don't know what to do.

He sounds severely unwell op. You should speak to his gp and let them now just how bad he really is. I suffer from bpd as well as cyclothymia and his neddiNess amd depression all scream a borderline personality disorder or emotionally unstable disorder. Bpd is a serious memtal health condition and honestly your dh sounds very much like this. Please speak to his gp and tell them what he is really like

Oh Henry this is just awful. The way he is treating you is so unfair. This is no way to live. I can't help but feel that without him your whole family will be lifted. You must do something. You would not be the bad guy. No-one can be expected to live in such conditions. Be strong.

This is tough on you op so make sure you also have someone to talk too. My dh struggles with my diagnosis but we have support now and he understands my illness. Honestly things can get better if he gets help .

Also to everyone saying not showering is disrespectful etc he sounds majorly depressed and when your that low you honestly don't care and getting a shower is a daunting prospect . He is ill and not caring about yourself or your personal hygiene is part of the illness

OP he is manipulating you. Quietly but deliberately.
Claim back your life. You will probably find you are stronger than you think and that being a single parent is a walk in the park compared to the life you are tolerating right now.

Beware of him manipulating your DCs' emotions again and trying to pin the blame on you. You would need to be straight with them and make it clear you are allowed to end it if you are not happy and their father won't make an effort to change. After all, he's telling you his feelings are the only ones that count.
The news is you don't have to put up with his behaviour.

The thought of leaving is scarry and make a lot of us put off the inevitable for too long and it does damage your children more than you think.
Once you make the leap the relief (in my case anger)keeps you going long enough to know you have done the right thing.
You need to talk to him when the kids are not around(how old are they?),at the very least tell him to go to his mum's for a while and let the kids see him there .You need space to see how you feel without him there and to then get legal advice.
He does sound depressed and my exdh was and did the non washing but it became the norm even when he was OK.You can't stay with a depressed personification it is dragging you down too,his needs are not more important than yours(it took me a long time to get to that).
All the best ,it is a hard thing to split but gets better,the hard stuff you are dealing with now won't.

Stand firm and insist your DC do chores. It's healthy for them.
If you click this link you will notice the penultimate paragraph describes your H. Don't raise another generation to turn out the same

Forgot to say,his GP may not be able to help,he cannot talk to you about another patient.

I have an ex who was exactly like this. Notice I said ex... I got rid because he was a lazy pathetic excuse for a man and I deserve more, as do you and your children. OP.

The children are 6, 9 and 12. They have said in the past he is lazy and not interested in them. I've told him he needs to step up and be a better role model and I get all the I will change don't want to lose you stuff but it doesnt.

This is so stupid I know what I want to do, I've known for a while but I'm scared of going it alone. Silly things like how I'll afford the summer holidays on my wage worry me. His mum does alot of the childcare. That's another thing his mum I know she will turn on me if I do this. I'm so bloody weak it's pathetic isn't it.

I think you know you'll be happier (as will the kids) once you've separated, so not sure there's further advice to be given.
You are not responsible for a grown man's well being. Stop being a prop for him and focus on your children.
We are all here to hand hold you through it. It will undoubtedly be a difficult transition, but the result will be a much more positive life as a single parent with your gorgeous children.

My mother used to threaten to leave in front of us children. I never really believed she would, but it was still horribly stressful. One of the reasons I will never be very close to her, which is a shame.

When he does that, whatever medical reason he might have for it, he's subjecting your children to trauma. My advice would be to sit down with them and discuss how sometimes people just don't get on well together, so sometimes living apart is a good thing. Your partner is making them think that him leaving is the end of the world, but you need to take away that fear from them: point out how other mummies and daddies don't live together but everyone is OK with it, they still get to see one another and there is less stress.

Talk to your partner about how the children must feel when their own dad paints their mum as a bitch, as if they have to take sides. It's just horrible. He needs to stop. He's doing lasting damage.

OP don't you think you'll end up resenting him if you stay with him? Not washing or even basic hygiene is a disrespect to himself and you. Like the previous poster said talk to the children and try and take that fear away. It sounds like you all care for each other and are aware of how each other's feeling but he's behaving like stroppy pre teen not a man! Seriously action speaks louder than words and unless you give him a window to see changes you need to make plans to leave or let him go to his mum.

Here's a plan.

So you ask his mum to have the children. Pack him a large bag of his stuff, stick it in the boot of the car discretely (assuming you have one) or drop it off at the same time as the kids. If anyone asks what it is say you'll explain later.

You take him out somewhere, café, park - not sure it matters as long as its public. You say you've had your chances and you've not taken them. It's now finished. I don't love you anymore. You've thrown that all away by not washing, not helping, not being a decent father, not taking care of yourself or your mental health. Not being a husband. This is not a discussion.

Take him back to his mothers leave him and the suitcase. Tell the kids to get in the car immediately- no goodbyes to anyone. Leave. No discussion, nothing.

You text him to say that you suggest he starts by having the kids every other weekend and one night in the week. At his mothers til he finds alternative accommodation. Tell him what suits the kids.

Look up on the relevant site how much he should pay for 3 kids. Tell him to set up a standing order to your bank account.
Contact the council for single person discount.
Look up what your entitled to in terms of money from the state.

Also you can have a conversation with the kids about this if you wish. Saying that you both love them but you don't make each other happy and so you are going to live in 2 houses and they can go and stay with Daddy. They can ring him every day etc. You can do it if necessary before you tell him so if he starts to say stuff in front of them you can shut it down with "they know".

I think you'll need to manage this and be utterly ruthless about shutting it down. No listening to his mother. No being bullied. Find some anger and fast.

Well, he's either manipulative and abusive and a crap dad, OR his anxiety and depression are worse and need to be managed better.

I'm not sure all of this can be classed as A&D though - he sounds like an awful dad - manipulative, emotionally abusive...

You are NOT responsible for his happiness. Only he is. You cannot eb expected to prop him up for the rest of his life. Only he can.

OP, soujds like you and the dc would be much happier away from him. How much easier your life would be.

Agree with Wally's post above.

Depression is a terrible thing and the not washing etc sounds classic BUT depression does not lead to someone guilt-tripping their partner to stay by traumatising their kids in front of them, that is flat-out selfish manipulation and its wrong.

'Mummy is making me go'
No she isn't. Mummy has had enough. Daddy has brought this all on himself.

It sounds tough, but I could not live with someone with such disgustingly poor hygiene.
It's an awful example for the DC to see.

Getting the kids out of the way while you have a proper talk is a good idea, as he's using them as a shield.

But I can imagine he would not agree to just go wherever you want. And would be justifiably angry to be tricked out of his home and unexpectedly left with just a bag of his stuff, and his children taken away from him.

Personally I'd be aiming for something less conflictive, more rational.

Take him back to his mothers leave him and the suitcase. Tell the kids to get in the car immediately- no goodbyes to anyone. Leave. No discussion, nothing.

Don't do this! How damaging for the kids. He might be a waste of space but he's still their dad and they shouldn't be encouraged to ignore him like that.

Sorry but he sounds controlling to me. He's not happy if you are happy? He wants you to himself all the time. He's always trying to have someone else have the kids so he has you alone?

He's an arse. Possibly a depressed arse but an arse non the less. You don't have to put up with this. It's control and I think it's abusive

He's emotionally abusive, I'd give women's aid a call and get some support and advice.
He's making you responsible for him, and has probably achieved that through emotional manipulation, hence why you feel awful for considering leaving him.
Do the Freedom Programme - amazing programme.
Go on entitledto to see if you are entitled to/or more tax credits.
Use the Child maintenance calculator to see how much you would be entitled to.
How long have you worked at your job, is there some possibility to jig about your hours to match up with the school hours.
There is a way out of this, although I can understand you feel trapped because of finances and childcare, but there is always a way out.
Can you see yourself dealing with his behaviour for another Few decades?
FYI when men like this start feeling like their means of control is slipping they escalate. Be prepared for more neediness and feel sorry for me dramatics.

Also if you are going to leave him, maybe it's worth starting a post about the finances practical side of things on here. There are amazingly knowledgable posters who can help you getting your ducks in a row so to speak

Okay -

OP, I do believe your partner has slowly but surely regressed. In other words, he is an emotional and psychological child in the body of an adult. This can often happen in close partnership, where one or both partners revert to a childlike state through unresolved childhood patterns and schema.

This would explain his increasing need to be with you over the children (sibling rivalry); his lack of hygiene (infantile need for mummy to wash/clean); and his depression (the past is very present for him right now).

There's nothing you can do. He, however, can do as much or as little as he likes. The problem is that, in a regressed state, he will want you to do everything for him. And the only option to save yourself is to be the adult in an adult situation, and leave him to grow up. Even if that does, indeed, mean leaving him. Otherwise, you're spiralling into codependence.