mylittlestar update - Oh sh**, oh sh**, oh sh**. Why didn't I listen? Am I a complete mug? Will I ever get over this??????

[mylittlestar]

Posted a bit this weekend but just couldn't think straight enough to start a thread.

Ok to brifly summarise for those who don't know - dh left me and ds last year after 14 years together (since age 16) as he needed 'space', had many issues in his life (work, parents split up, closest person in his family passed away), suffering from depression too.

It killed me, absolutley killed me, but I felt our marriage was worth saving and supported him 100%, let him come and go as he pleased, let him have the family life (to see what he was missing... lol!) and the single life.

People in RL (and on here - HappyDaddy in particular, you were right!) said I was being naive. That he was having his cake and eating it. That he needed to grow up and face his responsibilities. Why did he have the 'right' to walk away and come back when he wants. And many people also said that he probably wanted to go and see other women.

I defended him to everyone. Absolutely everyone. I had 100% faith that once he got the 'living alone, putting himself first' thing out of his system he'd come back to me and ds and we'd be stronger than ever.

Friday night he was staying with me but disappeared for 2 hours ('gym'?!). Sat morning he got up at 7.30 am (went out to get 'breakfast and the papers'!) disappeared for 2 hours and switched off his phone when I rang him.
Alarm bells started. He'd pushed me too far. When he got in the shower I checked his phone. 2 messages. Unknown number... 'why didn't you want to kiss me, is everything ok, can you pick me up from work later....'

I confronted him immediately. He tried to deny it. But gave in after a few mins. He's been having an affair with a 19 year old.

I was shaking uncontrollably. (Now Can't stop being sick.) But I held it together.

We talked. I listened to him. I then went straight up to where she works and confronted her. Complete slut. I was really strong and dignified, asked her to explain her side, then calmly walked away. She was white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf. But said he pursued her and she had every right to see who she wants, especially as we're 'separated'...

I then asked him to end things with her, which he did immediately. She then got really really pssed off and got in touch saying how much she loved him, that they love each other, and* that shes pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's what hurts. Yes the affair. The deception. At a time when I'd givien him everything I could to support him.

The fact he had unprotected sex with her. (I now have no idea if the pregnancy is true or a desperate lie to keep him.)

The fact he swore leaving was nothing to do with seeing other people and nothing to do with his age. Then he actively seeks out a 19 year old to do this with (he's 30 this week)!

He swears he doesn't love her. It was about selfish attention seeking and excitement. And ironically, after months of wanting him to come back to me and ds and say that I'm all he wants in the world - he has finally said it!

I know deep down in my heart I can forgive him. I stick by my committment to my marriage, I love him to bits, and I think we can have a happy life. I honestly do.

He's seen the grass isn't greener. But why did he have to test it

But how the hell do ever get close to him again? How will I ever get the thoughts of him and her out of my head?

Have I allowed him to have this affair by letting him have the double life? Am I a complete mug?

Ok, next step is to get STI checks. To find out about the pregnancy. And for us to talk and continue with the relationship counselling (which was working wonders and bringing us really close again?!?!) - whilst he had an affair in the background!

My heart isn't broken, it's numb. Inside is just emptiness, sadness, sheer hurt beyond words. But somewhere in there is my love for him. Can I get through this and ever have a happy marriage again?
I'd like positive stories or guidance. But if you think I'm a complete a* hole then tell me.

I'm sorry you had this happen.
Got no postive stories or anything like that but just wanted to say that you do what you feel is best for you.
Ignore all the doom and gloom lot, if you want to try at your marriage then go for it. Just keep your eyes wide open. Actions speak louder and all that.
Yell if you want to offload more.
PC xxx

God you poor thing.If you still love each other it is worth working on it imo.
The trust thing will be hard though.
My really good friend went through this .they've been married for 20 yrs this yr,so it can work out.
He needs to grow up and realise decide what he wants.You need to stick with the counselling .
I don't think affairs automatically mean a marriage has to end.I know of quite a few that have successfully survived and are still going strong,but it takes a long time to get back to anything resembling normality.
I hope you find the strength to work it out.

He is a liar a cheat and has had it all his way.You have done evrything he has wanted so far in a bid to save things and it hasn't worked.For now I would say he has to go.He is walking all over you(sorry)and you and your ds deserve better.The counselling is pointless if he is lying his way through it

Thank you PC

I hate the thought of boring people to death on here but this is the one occasion where I know that talking to RL people will make them hate him forever and probably end up in 100's of 'told you so's

Your not a ss hole. He is. Honestly he sounds like a randy 14yr old who wants it all. I really think you should take a step back. If a friend told you their husband was not committed to their marriage, coming and going as he pleased, shagging some 19yr old, coming home and passing on gd knows what STIs to her then actually got the 19yr old pg what would you say....aw give him another chance. I THINK NOT.
What a tosser, honestly you are better without him.

you sound like you want your marriage to work but does your husband have the same commitment? You can get over huge traumas that seem insurmountable(i speak from personal experience altho' it wasn't infidelity).
You sound like you have a plan in mind of what you want to do and i think you sound strong ... your DH has a lot of explaining to do and i would suggest counselling - RELATE are very good.

ggirl thank you

noddy - thank you too. part of me truly wishes i could see things that way. yes he has lied through the counselling and lied to my face. left me in tears putting ds to bed, saying he was going for his 'space' but going to her

but my instinct is still to try...

i need a slap!

if your instinct is to try and make it work that is fine but he needs that too!

no positive stories i'm afraid but i can see where you are coming from

break this into small steps.

• get checked for sti's
• find out if this girl is really pregnant.
• assess how your life would be with and without dh. emotionally, financially, etc.
• try and decide what is best for YOU - not DH - this is about you. If he features then fair enough.
• concentrate on you and your ds.
• have conselling
• take one step at a time

Sending hugs your way. Sounds awful.

You can try further down the road if you see he has made changes but if you let him stay now after he has done this he will never learn and imo won't respect you.Let him suffer a bit and see what he is missing and get on with your own life for a while and see how you do.You don't need him he hasn't really been there for you and you are still here.Look to friends and family for support and take maybe 6 months to see how you feel.You might find if you were stronger he wouldn't be so attractive xx

thank you all

glassslipper it helps to see things like that

sti's first definitely (will never ever forgive him for the unprotected sex part - hate him for that. for being so selfish. and for putting me at risk too)

pregnancy - dh is convinced she's lying. but how can we know. he said he never wants to see her again.
do you think i should make her to a test while me/dh are there to prove it. or continue to cut off all contact with her.

emotionally me and ds would miss him like hell. we're all truly happy when we're together.

financially i'm secure, work full time, great family support with ds, and could manage on my own.

counselling... I think even the counsellor will be shocked this week when she hears this update...

I try so hard not to be of the 'I told you so' brigade. It's so easy to say 'do this, don't do that' when you're an outsider.
I had the chance with my best friend and her piece of crap ex but didn't. I just backed away and let her make her own mistakes. I was there to pick up the pieces.
She told me last week that if I had told her what to do etc, she would have get really angry at me and would probably never have spoken to me again. Instead, we are still the best of friends years down the road.
My only advice would be to make him prove his intentions through his actions, don't listen to the words as you already know how good he is at lying to you.
There is nothing wrong with giving your marriage at try, some people will say 'Why bother?' but if you don't some may say that you didn't respect your vows (blah blah blah) and you may not forgive yourself for not trying.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
You can always walk away later if it doesn't work out.

mlstar...{{{hugs}}}} for you honey
i so hope it works out for you xx

noddy, that's good advice. Last night I lay awake thinking, after what he's done, I'm not sure if I can be attracted to someone I don't respect. That's why I'm worried about never being able to get the physical side back.

PC - I know I'd never forgive myself for not trying. I swore that when I got married and had children I would do everything I can to have a happy home. And I know us being together is only a good thing for ds if we're happy. Otherwise it's pointless.

I wonder if I need to take a step back like you all say and make him start proving himself. Let his actions start to speak.

MLS - oh sorry to hear and HE's the arsehole, not you as youre trying to keep this marriage together.

As you are trying to get your marriage to work, does your Husband wants the same thing?

Oh MLS
I'm afraid that I think you did allow him to have his cake and eat it if, when he left, you didn't make it clear that other women were still off the table. If you really do want to make it work, then go for it, perhaps he's satisfied the itch, but he may have gotten a taste for it also. I guess he needed to see if he could still pull the young girls!!
I think the best thing to do is put him on probation, and make sure he knows!! No more women, no more lies. Then talk about all these things, inc this other woman/girl in your councilling sessions. How does he feel about her pregnancy?? If it's true is he just going to abandon her, or is a child going to mean that she and the dc will be part of his and therefore YOUR life forever more.
Cos I think that would be too much for me!!
I wish you luck, but he needs to be completely honest about everything, and he needs to know that. I think if he really does want to come back etc, then you have a position of power over him and you should use it. I don't mean that in a horrible way. But don't let him back and then simper around him trying to keep him happy. You let him back on your terms, and with your rules, and let him be sure that any more shit like this WILL NOT be tolerated!!!
GOOD LUCK, and will be watching to see how you are. If you want to talk find me in the tea shop most days. x

well it what i would do..i step back and let him prove that he wants the marriage to work

{{mylittlestar}} Glad you have rl support as well as a lot of mn support.

My feeling is that if you let him back into your heart, he will do the same again, or worse.

You can find a decent fella - there are some out there! You deserve better than someone who is going to treat you like this.

Having said that, marriages CAN survive affairs, and you might be one of the lucky ones. I wish you all the very, very best and will be thinking of you. Keep us posted

Biglips he swears he wants me now and he can't believe what he's done. (If I'm to believe him)

BOM it was very clear how I felt about other women. When he left, we spoke about divorce, and the one conversation that sticks in my mind is that I said, even if we divorce, which will take the longest time possible as I will not agree to it without a fight, I want us to respect our marriage and never ever see other people. I said it undermines our whole relationship and it would kill me. I said only when we were truly 'over' should we ever see other people.
He sat quietly and then said 'I agree'.

Let him go for now He has lied so much you cannot believe a word he says.This may sound harsh but if you hadn't seen the phone he would have carried on lying and having his cake.Show him the door.You may have promised yourself that you would keep a family together but he obvuiously didn't

BOM it definitely is on my terms too, I agree. The one thing this has given me is the strength to stop doing things to 'make him happy' and the knowledge that if I don't put me and ds first, nobody else will.

squonk it's my fear too - that he could lie so well for so long, what's to stop it happening again.

noddy he said he was going to end it anyway - that's why he didn't want to kiss her on saturday morning. he'd left me and ds in bed to take her to work - 'because he'd promised'. but the lying was getting too much. he realised he wanted me. he just felt bad as he'd used her and was finding the right way to end it.

I know, I know, how kind and thoughtful of him not wanting to upset her - nice if he'd have had that same consideration and concern for his wife. I know.

Oh MLS I'm so sorry. I'd let him go. That level of betrayal would be extremley hard for me to forgive.
However you know how you feel and if you want to try again counselling is definately the way forward for both of you.If u need t talk you have you have my email.

To be brutally honest then MLS, if you were as clear as that about other women, and he agreed, and then did it anyway, then that would be enough for me to end it.
I know marriage's can survive this, but to me that is one of the biggest betrayals, and I would (no matter how much I loved him) have to have more respect for myself than he obviously had and tell him to get out.
That is just me, but given what you said, he knew how you felt, but didn't care.
Also, she doesn't even mean anything to him, if we can assume that he isn't lying about that. So not only did he not respect you and your feelings and slept with someone else, but he risked it all for some one who didn't even mean anything to him. Which IMO is worse than if it was someone that he really cared about, or loved.