mylittlestar update - Oh sh**, oh sh**, oh sh**. Why didn't I listen? Am I a complete mug? Will I ever get over this??????

[mylittlestar]

Posted a bit this weekend but just couldn't think straight enough to start a thread.

Ok to brifly summarise for those who don't know - dh left me and ds last year after 14 years together (since age 16) as he needed 'space', had many issues in his life (work, parents split up, closest person in his family passed away), suffering from depression too.

It killed me, absolutley killed me, but I felt our marriage was worth saving and supported him 100%, let him come and go as he pleased, let him have the family life (to see what he was missing... lol!) and the single life.

People in RL (and on here - HappyDaddy in particular, you were right!) said I was being naive. That he was having his cake and eating it. That he needed to grow up and face his responsibilities. Why did he have the 'right' to walk away and come back when he wants. And many people also said that he probably wanted to go and see other women.

I defended him to everyone. Absolutely everyone. I had 100% faith that once he got the 'living alone, putting himself first' thing out of his system he'd come back to me and ds and we'd be stronger than ever.

Friday night he was staying with me but disappeared for 2 hours ('gym'?!). Sat morning he got up at 7.30 am (went out to get 'breakfast and the papers'!) disappeared for 2 hours and switched off his phone when I rang him.
Alarm bells started. He'd pushed me too far. When he got in the shower I checked his phone. 2 messages. Unknown number... 'why didn't you want to kiss me, is everything ok, can you pick me up from work later....'

I confronted him immediately. He tried to deny it. But gave in after a few mins. He's been having an affair with a 19 year old.

I was shaking uncontrollably. (Now Can't stop being sick.) But I held it together.

We talked. I listened to him. I then went straight up to where she works and confronted her. Complete slut. I was really strong and dignified, asked her to explain her side, then calmly walked away. She was white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf. But said he pursued her and she had every right to see who she wants, especially as we're 'separated'...

I then asked him to end things with her, which he did immediately. She then got really really pssed off and got in touch saying how much she loved him, that they love each other, and* that shes pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's what hurts. Yes the affair. The deception. At a time when I'd givien him everything I could to support him.

The fact he had unprotected sex with her. (I now have no idea if the pregnancy is true or a desperate lie to keep him.)

The fact he swore leaving was nothing to do with seeing other people and nothing to do with his age. Then he actively seeks out a 19 year old to do this with (he's 30 this week)!

He swears he doesn't love her. It was about selfish attention seeking and excitement. And ironically, after months of wanting him to come back to me and ds and say that I'm all he wants in the world - he has finally said it!

I know deep down in my heart I can forgive him. I stick by my committment to my marriage, I love him to bits, and I think we can have a happy life. I honestly do.

He's seen the grass isn't greener. But why did he have to test it

But how the hell do ever get close to him again? How will I ever get the thoughts of him and her out of my head?

Have I allowed him to have this affair by letting him have the double life? Am I a complete mug?

Ok, next step is to get STI checks. To find out about the pregnancy. And for us to talk and continue with the relationship counselling (which was working wonders and bringing us really close again?!?!) - whilst he had an affair in the background!

My heart isn't broken, it's numb. Inside is just emptiness, sadness, sheer hurt beyond words. But somewhere in there is my love for him. Can I get through this and ever have a happy marriage again?
I'd like positive stories or guidance. But if you think I'm a complete a* hole then tell me.

Hi MM

Great to hear you sounding so positive about the ADs I think you're completely right that seeing the depression as an illness, not a guilty secret to be ashamed of, may be the key to him accepting it and moving forward.

Let us know about your pregnancy possibility too...?? Would that be or ?

As for the ow's pregnancy. She's still texting random messages and pestering dh, but, no subsequent mention of the pregnancy. My gut feel is that she was lying. But I honestly don't know for sure. She works in a local shop so I guess in a couple of months I can walk past and see if there's a bump there

I don't want to push it or contact her about it again - if she's lying that will be the attention she's craving.
And if she's telling the truth she has enough to deal with anyway.
So time will tell I guess...

I doubt it is true if she hasn't mentioned it again - surely would be the biggest weapon.

Potential pregnancy is but , but is very, very early days yet and haven't even tested. Just because I am waiting to start these blimming AD's, it's late for once! Maybe my subconscious is making it late. Ha ha.

Yes, I do hope he takes the AD's and they help. When you begin to feel better it's also a lot easier to start things like exercise and eating well etc.

Often think of you. Do hope this all gets better for you and your family...

By the way, with the trust thing, you are right that even if you 'move on' to someone else you will bring the lack of trust with you. I was treated badly by a couple of men, and even though my dh is lovely, and never EVER given me cause to distrust him, I still do.

this is 3rd time I've posted this but talking about trust etc it is pertinent, honst, whatdya make of this? And what do I do? Back to the 2 steps forward 3 steps back senario

Things been going well between us. Looking forward to the holiday - it's aleady com round & pil arrive on Friday & we go on Saturday.
Went out with dh on Friday night for a meal, he took me to a really nice restaurant, obviously put effort into choice etc. Had lovely night. Told him that I was starting to feel 'normal', or calmer or less terrified or however you want to look at it.

During the week we'd had a couple of setbacks. He found out I'd told his sister & was furious with me, not just that I'd told her, but that I hadn't been honest, that I'd lied to him , and a 2nd occsion where Iwas supposed to go out last Thursday night, and my friend had literally, 5 minutes before we were to meet, rang up and ditched me cos she had a date with some bloke and she'd forgotten, and I didn't want to admit to being a dumped bill-no-mates, so went out on my own, read my book for 2 hours then came back and didn't let on. So anyway, while he was ranting on about me not being honest enough about having told his siter, I told him I'd infact been stood up and gone out on me own. blah blah me telling lies, supposed to be fresh start based on honesty, me duly apologetic etc etc.

Anyway, last night I have nightmares about him & her. Wake up feeling down. Go down & look at his phone - last number dialled - hers.

He claims just about work. That there hasn't been any more contact, Does however say he's finding it really difficult to get over his strong feelings, I point out sectretly contacting her won't help to dull the loss etc etc.

So what do I do. There are only so many lies I can tolerate. The fact that he's spoken about how hard he's finding it to get over her is terrible. I do believe on the one hand he wants to. but on the other I have my sanity and self repect to think of. I am so depressed by this latet twist. I thought last week had been good.

If it is true that he wants to get over her (he has today suggested his feelings are stronger than I believed say 2 weeks ago) How does one get over someone like this? He hasn't done anything. I said I'm sick of words, if it's true I need him to be proactive, not passively drooping around.

Help please

Hi ernest

I'm so sorry this is happening to you

I would say in response to his finding it difficult to get over her, he never will while ever he has contact with her. He is going to have to be very very strong, just as you have had to be and are still having to be.
This must be so painful for you and I can only imagine how you must be feeling. You are working so hard to keep your marriage together, he owes you at least the same loyalty.

Stay strong xx

Ernest - I'm sorry things are still hard for you - but it is a long road back to normality and you will get there

As much as I totally condemn the fact that people have affairs outside marriage I can understand how difficult it must be to end an affair. They were in love - however wrong that was - and ending a loving relationship is, I imagine, emotionally complex.

I don't want to be 'soft' on the 'erring OH' but I think if you want to move forward and rebuild a relationship with your DH you need to be able to aknowledge the pain he is going through. BOth of you are mourning the loss of your marriage as it was, you are mourning the loss of trust and fidelity in your marriage and he is mourning the loss of his relationship with the OW. By its very nature this is not going to be a fast process. New relationships need time, commitment and love to rebuild them, and you are building a new relationship with him.

Are you still having counselling for yourself? Are you both going to marriage counselling? I think both are important to help you work through your feelings. If you don't think it is working for you with your existing counsellor, then find another one that you click with!

Whilst I think it is healthy to aknowledge that he is in pain from leaving his relationship with the OW, I think it is also fair, having done this, to tell him that you expect him to deal with his feelings for her away from you.

As for the sheer hypocrasy of the man, telling you off for relatively innocuous lies - well words fail me.

The phone call to the OW would have alarm bells ringing for me - but I am not you and you do seem to want to believe the best of him

Sorry terrible spelling in my last post - multitasking!

MLS - have just properly caught up with this. Am going to sort out the CAT thing tomorrow - when I'm at work where I obviously do most of my MNing so will send you my email address. I know you have many friends on here but one more won't hurt

Am off to post on ernest's thread - her update has made me very

hi cnc

yes it would be lovely to hear from you

i've been feeling really down since reading ernest's thread yesterday too. and lilybubble's. just wish there was that magic wand, or even if we could shake some sense into these men that have absolutely no idea what they've done or just how much time and effort it will take them to repair the damage.

i'm so stressed out with work at the moment too. and although things are much better with dh (we've had a lovely weekend) i just have this constant feeling of sickness in the pit of my stomach. i'm not sure if it's just stress and the constant thoughts of it all that's getting to me.

to make things worse though, i've been feeling pretty sick for the last week or so and nothing i do seems to make it go.
i also had an unusually light period last month.
(all of which is probably due to stress.)
but it leads me on to the inevitable... i'm scared to death that i could be pregnant.
(not scared of having another baby or scared of my ability to cope, but on the timing front it really doesn't get much worse.)

i'm wondering if i'm making it worse for myself with the anxiety now, and it's all just adding up. but i think i'll get a test today and hopefully put my mind at rest.

someone said the other day, it never rains and all that...... and that's so true!

Have CAT-ed you MLS. Don't stress about things just yet - more than likely just anxiety mucking up your cycle. How are you holding up today? Is there anything we can do to cheer you up? A joke, a song, a quick jig....

I know. I'm pretty sure it's just stress and now I'm stressing myself out more thinking I'm pregnant!! Was it ernest who went through this a couple of weeks ago too? Bloody stress messing everything up!

I haven't got your CAT message yet but will reply as soon as I do.

I'm feeling much better as I did a 6.30 start in work this morning as I was getting so stressed about something I couldn't do. And I've figured it out! So

A jig would be nice though

Do you know I nearly mentioned that Ernest went through the exact same time a couple of weeks ago - but was worried it would sound too flippant It all turned out to be nowt so don't fret, will you?

Am so mega-stressed at work as well - ah, the joy of Mondays

Have e-mailed you...

Oh well, at least it will take your mind off work for 5 mins!!

Loving the jig btw

Hi MLS

I'm glad to read that you had a good weekend.

Ive just read your recent post, I hope you are ok. Please let us know as soon as you find anything out. I know the timing isn't perfect for you but i know that whatever happens you will deal with it. You have done a pretty good job of dealing with everything else xx

Hello iohw!

What have you been up to today? Not having fun without us are you?

I am going to do a test later. Spoke to dh and we want to be together when I do it - just in case it's positive and then he'll be there to catch me when I collapse!

I'd have to be pretty bloody unlucky for it to be a bfp! I can tell you that! But I think if I put my mind at rest then I can stop convincing myself I feel sick all of the time!!

You will be fine! I just hope you won't be devastated if the test is positive. Don't forget to let us know as soon as you know!!

No, not having that much fun today. Getting my wind back

I won't forget to let you know

If I find the courage to do it!

We'd deal with it fine in practical terms. But emotionally I think I'd struggle right now. It's a strange time for me at the moment. I go from wanting to drag dh up to the bedroom to wanting to shout and scream and cry at the thought of what he's done and what we've been through...
I hope that will pass over time.
(and it's not due to hormones or something )

No, I'm sure it'll be fine

MLS - have emailed you back!

had to LOL at your saying you want to drag DH up to the bedroom! [personal info alert] DH and I barely did the deed for a year (traumatic birth). Then I find out he's been messing about, lo and behold problem disappears and I develop nympho tendencies!

I don't think it's hormones, it's just common sense

ROFL that's so true!!

Glad it's not just me!!

BFN!!!!!!

So relieved! Have opened a nice bottle of wine and as soon as dh has got ds to sleep (can hear them 'fighting' upstairs as we speak! ) we will have a nice drink and enjoy the relief!!!

xx

Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah

Evening MLS at pregnancy at bfn. Strange how similair to Ernest bloody stress. How are things after your 'blip' ?
Ernest i will head over to your thread.

mls, glad to hear about the BFN. that must've been a bit of a worry!

sorry haven't emailed, been sick all weekend and dh has been about as helpful as a chocolate fireguard.

Godd morning MLS

Just to say i'm pleased at your latest news

Now, you need to listen to your body, it's obviously trying to tell you something. Be kind to yourself xx

Hi everyone

Thanks so much for the messages. IOHW I think you're right. The sickness is still there this morning and I think the stress of work, on top of everything else, is taking it's toll.

I don't even feel up to MNing today

Will pop back a bit later and see how everyone is

xx

Well have a good day anyway. Maybe things are just catching up with you a little bit. YOu have achieved such a lot in a short space of time. I'm thinking of you. xx