mylittlestar update - Oh sh**, oh sh**, oh sh**. Why didn't I listen? Am I a complete mug? Will I ever get over this??????

[mylittlestar]

Posted a bit this weekend but just couldn't think straight enough to start a thread.

Ok to brifly summarise for those who don't know - dh left me and ds last year after 14 years together (since age 16) as he needed 'space', had many issues in his life (work, parents split up, closest person in his family passed away), suffering from depression too.

It killed me, absolutley killed me, but I felt our marriage was worth saving and supported him 100%, let him come and go as he pleased, let him have the family life (to see what he was missing... lol!) and the single life.

People in RL (and on here - HappyDaddy in particular, you were right!) said I was being naive. That he was having his cake and eating it. That he needed to grow up and face his responsibilities. Why did he have the 'right' to walk away and come back when he wants. And many people also said that he probably wanted to go and see other women.

I defended him to everyone. Absolutely everyone. I had 100% faith that once he got the 'living alone, putting himself first' thing out of his system he'd come back to me and ds and we'd be stronger than ever.

Friday night he was staying with me but disappeared for 2 hours ('gym'?!). Sat morning he got up at 7.30 am (went out to get 'breakfast and the papers'!) disappeared for 2 hours and switched off his phone when I rang him.
Alarm bells started. He'd pushed me too far. When he got in the shower I checked his phone. 2 messages. Unknown number... 'why didn't you want to kiss me, is everything ok, can you pick me up from work later....'

I confronted him immediately. He tried to deny it. But gave in after a few mins. He's been having an affair with a 19 year old.

I was shaking uncontrollably. (Now Can't stop being sick.) But I held it together.

We talked. I listened to him. I then went straight up to where she works and confronted her. Complete slut. I was really strong and dignified, asked her to explain her side, then calmly walked away. She was white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf. But said he pursued her and she had every right to see who she wants, especially as we're 'separated'...

I then asked him to end things with her, which he did immediately. She then got really really pssed off and got in touch saying how much she loved him, that they love each other, and* that shes pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's what hurts. Yes the affair. The deception. At a time when I'd givien him everything I could to support him.

The fact he had unprotected sex with her. (I now have no idea if the pregnancy is true or a desperate lie to keep him.)

The fact he swore leaving was nothing to do with seeing other people and nothing to do with his age. Then he actively seeks out a 19 year old to do this with (he's 30 this week)!

He swears he doesn't love her. It was about selfish attention seeking and excitement. And ironically, after months of wanting him to come back to me and ds and say that I'm all he wants in the world - he has finally said it!

I know deep down in my heart I can forgive him. I stick by my committment to my marriage, I love him to bits, and I think we can have a happy life. I honestly do.

He's seen the grass isn't greener. But why did he have to test it

But how the hell do ever get close to him again? How will I ever get the thoughts of him and her out of my head?

Have I allowed him to have this affair by letting him have the double life? Am I a complete mug?

Ok, next step is to get STI checks. To find out about the pregnancy. And for us to talk and continue with the relationship counselling (which was working wonders and bringing us really close again?!?!) - whilst he had an affair in the background!

My heart isn't broken, it's numb. Inside is just emptiness, sadness, sheer hurt beyond words. But somewhere in there is my love for him. Can I get through this and ever have a happy marriage again?
I'd like positive stories or guidance. But if you think I'm a complete a* hole then tell me.

So sorry to hear that, mylittlestar. I don't have any experience of anything like this, but I bet the pregnancy is made up. It sounds like a knee-jerk reaction to me and the kind of selfish thing that a 19 year old would say to try to cause trouble. I would put that out of your mind in deciding what you want to do. At the end of the day, you'll know within a few months whether or not it is real...

Just wanted to add my twopenceworth. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with all this, but you sound like you are able to deal with pretty much anything (women are definately stronger than men in some respects!)
Please don't be offended but he must be such an idiot as your life (before this) sounds lovely and he really had no reason as far as I can see, to do this to you. I don't have much advise other than think of yourself and ds for now. I hope I will be as level headed as you if i am ever in a similar situation (although I think I would probably be the mad woman slashing all his clothes up!) Hope things get better whatever you decide.

thanks mb - I hope and pray you're right

when he told her it was over she never said it. but when he sai over means no contact, no friendship, nothing - she said well you've got no chance of that 'cause I'm pregnant and need your support

I hope with all my heart she's lying

MLS

I wish your DH had had the backbone to deal with the underlying issues in his life and sought bereavement counselling amongst other services at the time rather than just bury his head in the sand and tell you that he needed "space". The depression was perhaps brought on also by the traumas he had at that time. He probably never considered that as a possibility.

Now the fallout from all this has fractured your marriage, not just to say an emotionally unstable 19 year old who may be pg with his child.

If she is pregnant will a DNA test be done after the child is born to confirm parentage?.

As for this choice comment he made:-
"He said he'd want nothing to do with her or the baby. Never".

Saying that just tells me that he's running away again from everything. He's been totally irresponsible to say the least. You though are far more mature and understanding and have shown such throughout. He at the very least he will be financially responsible for this child if this child is his. He has a legal responsibility. That child also has a right to know who his father is and your son has a right to know that he may well go on to have a potential half brother or sister.

I wish you well with the relationship counselling; this is certainly needed by both of you at present.

mylittlestar, all the advice on here is good, but I am interested to hear about his life changes, turning 30 and his depression. I had something similar happen with my DP several years ago (the big difference was that we had no kids then - and he didn't get anyone pg - so I can't fully appreciate how you feel, but there were a lot of similarities. He basically had a breakdown, couldn't face the responsibility of being with me, being an adult and having a mortgage with me - and there was another woman involved though it didn't get very serious.

To me it sounds as if this coould be a depression issue - I'm not excusing him, but when you say deep down you feel there is something to fight for, well, I felt the same and I was right. My DP said he loved me and I knew I loved him - and I believed he would be back once he had dealt with his crisis and depression.

He moved out and moved back into a bachelor pad where he had lived before, with a good male friend, and got treatment for depression. We saw each other regularly but I learned that one big key to the situation was not to take any shit. Even if he was ill and depression was making him behave badly, I had my rules - no lying to me, he had to treat me with respect, and his illness was his doctor's business to fix, not mine. I focused on living my life and doing things for myself (and in your case, you need to focus on your DS too). It took time but this put the responsibility on him to sort it out and he did. He came back of his own accord, and our relationship has been better after than before - and we now have started a family too. So - if your instinct is that it can work out, don't necessarily ignore that. Stand tall, make your needs and wishes clear and be firm. I think your arrangements so far, while well-intentioned, may have encouraged him to take the piss and confused him about what is and isn;t acceptable - I know my DP had trouble with this and it is a symptom of depression - the selfishness takes over and the person will do anything they can to distract themselves from the pain.

Again please no one think I'm defending this man - this is just my persepctive and it may be relevant.

One book that helped me a lot is
How You Can Survive When They're Depressed

Even if you split up he will still be your DS's dad, and this book mught really help you learn to deal with him.

Sorry you're having such a shit time - i really admire your dediction to your marriage, i'm not sure i'd have your understanding and patience - he's very very lucky, alot of people would be shredding his clothes at this point rather than deciding to welcome his unborn child into your family.

I really think he's behaved so so badly, the bit that got to me most was when you said that counselling has been going so well - and yet all the time he was sleeping with this 19 year old - it takes some skill to juggle an affair and the pretence that you're seriously working on saving your marriage in counselling - what a big shit.

I really hope that you start to put yourself first - it sounds like you feel that you really need him, and it must be scary to contemplate life without someone you love, but try not to make it all so easy for him. Think about what you're been through, take some time, don't make any rash decisions, just take it a step at a time and make sure you've got some time away from him to think and put things in perspective. If he really loves you, he'll wait.

Or, just start shredding the bastards clothes.

There are no easy answers.

A good friend found out a couple of years ago that her dh (32) was shagging their au pair (19).

I think total fidelity from age 16 is hard... so maybe your dh did need space. I wouldn't read too much into the fact that he'd lied his way through counselling - at least he co-operated and went along.

He's mixed up - he's been a prat.

Only you know whether you can ever forgive him - it's not for others to make that judgement.

i agree with fortyplus. good luck. big hug x

misc thank you

our RL freinds have found it hard to support him in all of this as all they can say is how lucky we are, what a lovely relationship we had. and it was true. we had a lovely home, a ds who really is a little angel, both had good jobs, lovely holidays, great friends. plus he had lads weekends away a few times a year and loved his nights at the gym and football. we had space to ourselves but lovely times together too. i'm so so sad that we lost it all.

just re-read that and i don't mean to make out that we had a perfect life and perfect relationship. if we did this wouldn't have happened! we worked long hours. we took our eyes off each other a bit, tok each other for granted, focussed a bit too much on ds and not so much on each other.
something i saw as normal with a new baby and i didn't see it as a long term problem.

but somewhere in dh perhaps he didn't like not being centre of attention anymore. perhaps he wasn't ready for sharing his life with a little one and that's why the selfish side came out.

(not saying he doesn't adore ds though, he idolises him and is a wonderful dad.)

look I'm making excuses again! I'll stop!!

Mylittlestar - you are truly amazing!!

You seem to me to be a very wise, loving, caring and compassionate person.
You know in your heart what you want and what you would like to happen with your DH.
This does not make you a "complete a*hole" it does not make you weak or pathetic blah blah blah. You are amazing!!!

You have only done what you thought best, in an effort to make your relationship with your DH work.
He has taken advantage of this but you are not responsible for his actions so, do not take responsibility.

By all means, continue to love him, want the relationship to work, but make HIM work at it too.
I would take some time out to lick my wounds and work out where i go from here.

Im sending you a HUGE hug and lots of love X

MLS..you sound very strong which is fantastic..... and the good thing from all of this (which you won't feel at the moment) is as time goes on you will gain a depth in that strength you have...you'll know that you CAN cope with what life throws at you nad it does a habit of throwing some huuuuge unexpected rocks from time to time believe me !!!

One of the reasons that made me decide not to go back into the industry that I was in before children was that there were SO many married husbands having casual sex and affairs with young colleagues...TBH it never bothered me before my DC arrived, but as soon as I had my DS my opinion changed totally - all those wives at home totally unaware of what they were up to...I'm afriad it changed my opinion quite drastically.....

I wonder how many men would be forgiving of their wife if she had an affair, would they approach it in the same way...or would their pride get in the way........

well said ifonlyhewould. She is truly amazing x

You are so right Boobsgonesouth! I know that I would not allow an affait to break up me relationship, i would be prepared to work through it, but if I had an affair!!! Boy, that would be a different matter!

MLS

So sorry to hear this, desperately sorry in fact.

I will email you but in the meantime, don't do anything for a day or two.

Let the dust settle and see how you feel about all this.

You are in fight or flight mode at the moment and so is your DH. He's in total shock at being rumbled. To be brutally honest, he will say and do anything to keep you on side right now.

Absolutely you must follow your heart and if you think you can forgive him then it's worth a go. But can he forgive himself and has he got the strength to face your anger and hurt and upset and keep facing it.

In a couple of months will he be saying "haven't you got over it yet" or "I knew you'd never drop it"? men have a totally different idea of how long it takes to recover from this sort of betrayal.

and of course they want you to get over really quickly so you can all move on and put it in the past.

don't rush into a reconcilation is my advice, but don't rule it out either. let your dh know you are seriously considering your future - don't be a push over.

the last thing you want is to take him back and play happy families for a few weeks/months and then have him duck out again claiming not to be able to cope.....

believe me, that is the last thing you need............

Dh and I have talked about this... It's not actually the thought of the other person having sex with someone else that is the worst part - it's the lies and deceit.

Boco I have his favourite suit hung up just waiting for that moment

Atilla yes a DNA test will most certainly be done if she does have a baby.
He runs and hides from everything you're right. It would break my heart but I would never let an innocent child suffer. Especially given that it's mum doesn't sound the most stable and reliable of people.
I would be there for that child if I could. And I would teach my ds that love compassion and understanding are what get people through. The child doesn't deserve to grow up believing they were a mistake. They need to feel loved and wanted. I would make damn sure of that. I wouldn't let him abandon it, no way.

snowleopard thank you. the depression was what made me support him for so long before this. I think I'd lost sight of it since the affair came out. I felt he'd used it as an excuse.
But it is still there and it's a very real issue. Combined with turning 30, losing his nan who was a 2nd mum to him, and his parents spitting up after 30 years together.
I need to do what you say now and let him deal with the depression. Carry on with the counselling. But set the boundaries and make damn sure I don't take any more sh**.

(I wish I felt as strong as that sounded.)

snowleopard has good points. main thing is whatver you do next has to be on your terms

I think you are a very forgiving person. It is very admirable that you are willing to stick this out and make it work.

He, however, has to prove to you that this is what he wants. More than anything. He really has got to make it up to you, show you that you can trust him. Lets face it, if you met a 'new' man tomorrow, he wouldnt have to work as hard to prove himself, would he?

MLS for what you're going through. I understand that you want to make it work, and I certainly believe that marriages can survive adultery if both parties really want to make it work.

But the baby (if there is one) changes everything. I am utterly horrified that your H can say he wants nothing to do with this child. I think that speaks volumes about him. You, mature and intelligent you, know that that would be wrong and have thought that through. I thought Wannabe's points on this were excellent.

I agree with putting him on probation, for 6 months say, not letting him have the complete family life, coming and going as he pleases. Give him set visiting times. He has to work at your marriage, because it takes both of you. You've been doing all the work so far, and not only is that unfair, but it doesn't work.

I wish you all the luck in the world getting the outcome that makes you happy.

MyLittleStar - just wanted to add that yes, you do sound strong in your posts. I know you must be feeling really awful but keep posting, put up your guards with him, and pretend (especially with him) that you are stronger than you feel!

I always find that in pretending I am strong I suddenly find that I am (if that actually makes any sense!).

You don't have to pretend with us though

wow I'm really overwhelmed at your support and advice. I have tears in my eyes reading this.

fortyplus he is a prat. he's been so mixed up too. it's only now i've found this out and really stood my ground that he's realised that he wants me.

bampa thanks wish i was

jellyhead - you said "Your dh seems a man who looks to you to give him answers so sorting out his mess will do him good." I don't know how you've got to that from my rambled postings but you're so true it's unreal. The counsellor said exactly that. He has to start growing up and taking responsibility.

Ifonlyhewould - dh made a comment once that id I had an affair he'd be out sleeping with everyone he could so you're right!

paddlechick thank you. I do need to take a step back. I like to have everything sorted immediately but I guess in this case it just isn't going to happen!

last thing... fortyplus I do agree, the lies such as pretending to get up early to get breakfast and the papers for me for when i get up, whilst actually taking her to work, are a killer. but the thought of that slut with her hands on my husband. and the thought of him touching her. just sickening. truly sickening.

"get things back on your terms. tell him whatever you need to for the time being so that you have time to think. you and your children come first no matter what. make him start putting you first.

in time YOU can decide if you want to ever make a go of things again or whether you never want to spend another minute in his company.

but don't rush yourself. take the advice and support on here. look after yourself."

I don't know if you recognise them MLS; but these are YOUR words to me, not less than a week ago.

Listen to yourself!

Get soem space to think clearly, it helped me. I don't really know your history, but I obviously believe that if you're both commiteed it can work.

You've already got lots of great advice. What I found really valuable was to get some space to think and gain strength. You also have been very trustng and had it thrown back in your face. Overcoming that is going to be really hard, and I can't advise on how that happens. Best of luck xxx

If she were to be having his baby, I don't know if he would be so disinterested. I suspect that he may be saying this to try and persuade you of his commitment to you. But, if it were me, I would try not to get too wound up about this possibility until you actually know for sure that she is pg. Otherwise, you are letting her (possible) lie influence you and your feelings.

No great advice Im afraid, but theres some good stuff on here already.

Just wanted to add my support, you sound very strong and compassionate,, sadly the grass is often greener.