mylittlestar update - Oh sh**, oh sh**, oh sh**. Why didn't I listen? Am I a complete mug? Will I ever get over this??????

[mylittlestar]

Posted a bit this weekend but just couldn't think straight enough to start a thread.

Ok to brifly summarise for those who don't know - dh left me and ds last year after 14 years together (since age 16) as he needed 'space', had many issues in his life (work, parents split up, closest person in his family passed away), suffering from depression too.

It killed me, absolutley killed me, but I felt our marriage was worth saving and supported him 100%, let him come and go as he pleased, let him have the family life (to see what he was missing... lol!) and the single life.

People in RL (and on here - HappyDaddy in particular, you were right!) said I was being naive. That he was having his cake and eating it. That he needed to grow up and face his responsibilities. Why did he have the 'right' to walk away and come back when he wants. And many people also said that he probably wanted to go and see other women.

I defended him to everyone. Absolutely everyone. I had 100% faith that once he got the 'living alone, putting himself first' thing out of his system he'd come back to me and ds and we'd be stronger than ever.

Friday night he was staying with me but disappeared for 2 hours ('gym'?!). Sat morning he got up at 7.30 am (went out to get 'breakfast and the papers'!) disappeared for 2 hours and switched off his phone when I rang him.
Alarm bells started. He'd pushed me too far. When he got in the shower I checked his phone. 2 messages. Unknown number... 'why didn't you want to kiss me, is everything ok, can you pick me up from work later....'

I confronted him immediately. He tried to deny it. But gave in after a few mins. He's been having an affair with a 19 year old.

I was shaking uncontrollably. (Now Can't stop being sick.) But I held it together.

We talked. I listened to him. I then went straight up to where she works and confronted her. Complete slut. I was really strong and dignified, asked her to explain her side, then calmly walked away. She was white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf. But said he pursued her and she had every right to see who she wants, especially as we're 'separated'...

I then asked him to end things with her, which he did immediately. She then got really really pssed off and got in touch saying how much she loved him, that they love each other, and* that shes pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's what hurts. Yes the affair. The deception. At a time when I'd givien him everything I could to support him.

The fact he had unprotected sex with her. (I now have no idea if the pregnancy is true or a desperate lie to keep him.)

The fact he swore leaving was nothing to do with seeing other people and nothing to do with his age. Then he actively seeks out a 19 year old to do this with (he's 30 this week)!

He swears he doesn't love her. It was about selfish attention seeking and excitement. And ironically, after months of wanting him to come back to me and ds and say that I'm all he wants in the world - he has finally said it!

I know deep down in my heart I can forgive him. I stick by my committment to my marriage, I love him to bits, and I think we can have a happy life. I honestly do.

He's seen the grass isn't greener. But why did he have to test it

But how the hell do ever get close to him again? How will I ever get the thoughts of him and her out of my head?

Have I allowed him to have this affair by letting him have the double life? Am I a complete mug?

Ok, next step is to get STI checks. To find out about the pregnancy. And for us to talk and continue with the relationship counselling (which was working wonders and bringing us really close again?!?!) - whilst he had an affair in the background!

My heart isn't broken, it's numb. Inside is just emptiness, sadness, sheer hurt beyond words. But somewhere in there is my love for him. Can I get through this and ever have a happy marriage again?
I'd like positive stories or guidance. But if you think I'm a complete a* hole then tell me.

how long had your Dh been seeing this girl?

ernest I know

I really found you to be an inspiration. Your thread and your strength have helped me so much xx

biglips - only about 6 weeks. i.e. only since we've been making progress at the counsellor and making plans to get back together?!

I don't think he's slept with her much - perhaps a couple of times. It's been more meeting at lunch time for a drink or going for walks. That's why I can't understand the 'in love' thing??

maybe she is an immature type...and maybe its more of a lush thing and not in love thing..

i hope you do step out and get your head together to think over of what YOU want out of this relationship...whether you want it to work or not

Good luck xxx

she seems totally insecure and immature

when I said that his wedding ring meant he was out of bounds, and when she found out we had a young baby she should have walked away - she said 'to be perfectly honest I have every right to flirt with whoever I want, and you should get to know your husband better'!!!!!

bitch! nobody has a right to flirt with a married man! she has a major lesson to learn from this - I hope one day somebody teaches her the consequences of sleeping with a married man.

there's plenty of people i know who wouldn't have had a dignified talk to her and walked away. they'd have slapped her there and then.

I'd love to do that myself but I just wouldn't stoop. She's nothing to me. She doesn't even deserve my anger!

yep....hope that SHE bloody learn the consequences of being a slapper!!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} to you !

mylittlestar - sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. It sounds as though you have done so much to accommodate your dh, and you shouldn't be hard on yourself for that. It does sound as though he has been having some sort of crisis with all those things happening to him, so although it obviously doesn't excuse his behaviour, it is a bit of an explanation. That would be important for me to know I think. It's not that he wasn't happy with you - it's those things that he's having a hard time dealing with (not unusual for a man, imho). In fact, I'm a bit worried that my dh is doing exactly this, having a crisis after a few big things have just happened to us.

Personally I don't think that the girl is pregnant, more of a stereotypical reaction to that sort of confrontation. Annoyingly, I suspect she could keep you hanging on for a while over this one, as it's her trump card played now.

I really hope you can move on with your relationship with dh. You sound fairly certain in your posts that that is what you want to do. You seem like a lovely, compassionate person, and your dh is extremely lucky that you are dealing with this in the way that you are.

my little star

no matter how many times you're told by others to let him go, he's not worth it etc, you won't see the light until you stop loving him and you finally snap and your self esteem is completely broken.

I really really hope that you can both work through this and save your marriage but it already seems as if you've done as much as you can and he is walking over you.

you are going through something very similar to me a few years back. I posted on mumsnet about it, I was janna then (back in 2004/5). My ex then 27 left me for a 16 year old schoolgirl and he left (forcibly by me). He said he was depressed, stressed, his parents split up he had work probs and so on. I gave him space, he came and went for a year, slept with me, we went for councelling, he wanted to come back, then he didn't until I finally found out he'd never finished with her and had been playing me and her at the same time.

I saw the light quite suddenly after he spent the night at mine one night and told me that she had been a massive mistake, he still loved me and wanted to come home. I thought great, getting somewhere, then he went home and never spoke to me for a week then told me what had happened between us was a mistake and he wanted her.

Now I think he is a tosser.

your d/h is playing you but you have to see it for yourself.

Good luck, I hope you can both work it out though and I am wrong

thank you for sharing your stories

lilyb I hope your situation is ok? If you feel that your dh is perhaps heading for a crisis in this way can you take steps to deal with it before it gets out of hand like my situation? Counselling has helped. But for me, lots and lots and lots of talking, and listening, is what was helping us get through. I know my dh finds it hard to express feelings, he blocks things out, then headed into the crisis as he just couldn't cope with all the supressed feelings and emotions.

I'm gutted to read this, mylittlestar. I really hoped he was just being a bit of a prat and would grow up and sort himself out, soon.

So sorry to hear what's really happened. You're not a mug, at all, he's just been really abusive of your love and trust. I hope you can sort him out.

mylittlestar - I hope this works out the way that is best for you. That might not mean staying together, but it sounds as though you need to give it a try.

I would be very angry at the girl, too, but ultimately your dh must have made himself available to her so you can't lay much of the blame at her doorstep - if it hadn't been her it would have been someone else. In fact I think that he almost seems to have deliberately chosen someone young and tarty - far removed from a person he would want to spend the rest of his life with.

He's had a 'mid life crisis' and now realises just how wrong he was. If you have been together since you were 16 then neither of you had much experience, presumably.

Dh and I were 24 when we met and had both had several other partners. So now when I think he's a boring old sod at least I know that he's the best of the bunch!

HD thanks

Fortyplus there's a lot of truth in what you say and I do believe he didn't appreciate what he had because he had no idea of what it would be like being with other people. So he needed to find out.

(But I've never needed to find out!!)

When I first found out about it I suggested he buy a flat with her, move her in, support her for the rest of his life, start a family with her, deal with all her issues.... I said I'd let him see ds whenever I could but I'd find a man who truly wants me and he can be there full time for our ds growing up... he looked horrified. He didn't seem to contemplate for a second that living with her would in any way be good. Part of me thinks they can bloody well have each other. Neither has any morals. They could spend their lives making each other truly miserable.

Like you say, if it wasn't her it would have been someone else. It wasn't the person. It was the sex. And the attention.

But my numbness is slowly being replaced with rage. He had all the love and attention he needed. I really feel that I want to chop his bits off!!!

mylittlestar - it's early days... you're bound to feel like that.

I don't think there would be any harm in letting him think that you don't know whether or not you have decided to take him back.

mylittlestar, frankly cutting him off at the wallet would be too good for him. He's taken you for granted, and pissed your trust up the wall.

Now he has a glimpse of the real world, he wants you all back again like nothing happened?

It's so tempting to say "kick him out and let him sort his own mess out".

HappyDaddy - do you agree that he never did think of the 19 yo as a permanent fixture? Just a bit of harmless fun he thought he could get away with? Would like to hear a male perspective on that.

Mylittlestar. I can't help as have no experience of this. I am so sorry this has happened to you. He has crossed a line here. Don't try too hard to accommodate his needs. Think about what you and DS want and need right now.

Ditto what HD said.

and FWIW, I think your DH is the biggest slapper/tart. And him looking at HIS OWN wedding ring, should have made HIM realise anyone else was out of bounds.

I do think, whilst understandable, your anger towards this young, and naive girl is very misplaced. I happen to think your DH may well have done a pretty good job of manipulating HER, and given her the whole "my wife doesnt understand me" routine. I actually feel a bit sorry for her. She probably thought he might leave you for her - kudos for teenage girls.

Oh Sweetie, how awful!

You asked for opinions. And first off, I second all the nice things people are saying about how wonderful you are, and strong, and smart.

Personally, IF I was considering taking him back, I'd want to see both of them in the same room first. What on earth is to say he won't start right back up once he's relaxed and the danger of losing you is over?

How can you ever trust him again?

And the bitch.. well if she's about to be a single mum at 19, I guess she will learn a lesson, won't she. But she'll never ever be out of your life. This is a mistake that will keep on taking, forever. Especially because you're such as sweetheart and (rightly so) won't want the baby to suffer the indiscretions of his parents. He will have to financially support this other woman. His parents will be that child's grandparents, too. Holidays? Exclude her, you probably exclude the baby.

It's a frigging nightmare and the more I think about it, the more I think you should just kill him and be done with it. Short of that, divorce him.

My two cents...

MLS - sorry to hear you are going through all of this.
I left my DH whilst living in Canada with the forces after finding out he had been having affairs for 2 years. Ironically enough, I had to attend councilling on my own for the Army to allow me to leave him and fly back home.
I was lucky enough not to have children at that point so only had to worry about me & my hurt.
With my present partner, he has had a 'virtual' affair & was planning to meet when I discovered what was going on. I was 4mths PG. I called the other person & politely advised them I knew their game - funnily enough they knew all about me so obviously had no morals at all. I also warned him that if it ever happened again that would be it - & that was for a virtual affir. He has come near to the line since but has never crossed it.
We now have 2 children & are expecting our 3rd in august.
I think you need to be strong for your son as well as you & put ultimately put yourself first. You are not a door mat so don't allow yourself to be treated like one. As my mum always says words are easy, it's actions that are hard. Let him show you not tell you that you mean the world to him & that he wants nothing more.
Good luck

You're right, but I'd stake my mortgage that she's not pg... conniving little bitch

Still think she's not the one to blame for the affair, though - that lies squarely on the silly man's shoulders.

VVV I'm angry at her attitude to me, but your right that it was him who let her believe it, him who spun the lines, him who told her he was never getting back with me. Even though we were making plans for a new house, sleeping together, seeing the counsellor etc.

That's what got him found out. She asked him to take her to work. He couldn't say 'no, I'm staying with my wife tonight' as she had no idea. So him getting up at 7.30 am on a saturday morning and disappearing for 2 hours is what resulted in me checking his phone. Twunt.

Fortyplus I think he did it because he thought he could get away with it and never wanted it to be permanent. But she's 19, vulnerable, immature, and would have believed every line - so she was taken in by him 100%. I believe she thinks she truly loves him and she genuinely can get him to leave me and ds for her.
Interested to hear HD's perspective too.

He's played an exciting game with both of you - now reality is hitting him right between the eyes. Even if you know you can forgive him and take him back, don't make it too easy for him. He deserves to suffer!

I agree. Thanks to the strength I'm finding from here I have told him today that I'll see him later when I collect the baby and he can tell me his plans for the future and what he's planning to do to make things right. Then I've said no more contact with me (or her of course) until I decide what to do next.

In the meantime have asked him to get himself checked for all STI's and HIV and I'll await the results.

I still think I have it in my heart to try. But I won't let him know that.

Good for you

I second that fortyplus.

And littlestar - i will say it again - you are truly amazing!!
An inspiration!