mylittlestar update - Oh sh**, oh sh**, oh sh**. Why didn't I listen? Am I a complete mug? Will I ever get over this??????

[mylittlestar]

Posted a bit this weekend but just couldn't think straight enough to start a thread.

Ok to brifly summarise for those who don't know - dh left me and ds last year after 14 years together (since age 16) as he needed 'space', had many issues in his life (work, parents split up, closest person in his family passed away), suffering from depression too.

It killed me, absolutley killed me, but I felt our marriage was worth saving and supported him 100%, let him come and go as he pleased, let him have the family life (to see what he was missing... lol!) and the single life.

People in RL (and on here - HappyDaddy in particular, you were right!) said I was being naive. That he was having his cake and eating it. That he needed to grow up and face his responsibilities. Why did he have the 'right' to walk away and come back when he wants. And many people also said that he probably wanted to go and see other women.

I defended him to everyone. Absolutely everyone. I had 100% faith that once he got the 'living alone, putting himself first' thing out of his system he'd come back to me and ds and we'd be stronger than ever.

Friday night he was staying with me but disappeared for 2 hours ('gym'?!). Sat morning he got up at 7.30 am (went out to get 'breakfast and the papers'!) disappeared for 2 hours and switched off his phone when I rang him.
Alarm bells started. He'd pushed me too far. When he got in the shower I checked his phone. 2 messages. Unknown number... 'why didn't you want to kiss me, is everything ok, can you pick me up from work later....'

I confronted him immediately. He tried to deny it. But gave in after a few mins. He's been having an affair with a 19 year old.

I was shaking uncontrollably. (Now Can't stop being sick.) But I held it together.

We talked. I listened to him. I then went straight up to where she works and confronted her. Complete slut. I was really strong and dignified, asked her to explain her side, then calmly walked away. She was white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf. But said he pursued her and she had every right to see who she wants, especially as we're 'separated'...

I then asked him to end things with her, which he did immediately. She then got really really pssed off and got in touch saying how much she loved him, that they love each other, and* that shes pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's what hurts. Yes the affair. The deception. At a time when I'd givien him everything I could to support him.

The fact he had unprotected sex with her. (I now have no idea if the pregnancy is true or a desperate lie to keep him.)

The fact he swore leaving was nothing to do with seeing other people and nothing to do with his age. Then he actively seeks out a 19 year old to do this with (he's 30 this week)!

He swears he doesn't love her. It was about selfish attention seeking and excitement. And ironically, after months of wanting him to come back to me and ds and say that I'm all he wants in the world - he has finally said it!

I know deep down in my heart I can forgive him. I stick by my committment to my marriage, I love him to bits, and I think we can have a happy life. I honestly do.

He's seen the grass isn't greener. But why did he have to test it

But how the hell do ever get close to him again? How will I ever get the thoughts of him and her out of my head?

Have I allowed him to have this affair by letting him have the double life? Am I a complete mug?

Ok, next step is to get STI checks. To find out about the pregnancy. And for us to talk and continue with the relationship counselling (which was working wonders and bringing us really close again?!?!) - whilst he had an affair in the background!

My heart isn't broken, it's numb. Inside is just emptiness, sadness, sheer hurt beyond words. But somewhere in there is my love for him. Can I get through this and ever have a happy marriage again?
I'd like positive stories or guidance. But if you think I'm a complete a* hole then tell me.

I know its not an excuse but it sounds like a classic mid-life crisis. In a relationship from 16 then he's a father and hitting 30 so he wonders what else is out there. I think the girlfriend's text where she asks why he didnt want to kiss her maybe indicates he was having a moral struggle with it or 2nd thoughts - but I think MLS really needs to think about where she wants HER life to go.

He has abused your trust, can it be rebuilt, would you EVER trust him, would he feel he could do it again if you forgave him once.

Could you make life more interesting together, it doesnt have to be downhill at 30, or would it be better to start anew alone?

Thank you everyone

VVV that's exactly how I feel. I couldn't rationalise why that hurt me the most but that's exactly what it feels like.

I guess there's a positive - things can only get better for me from here!

I just keep tourturing myself with the images and thoughts. I'm actually beginning to annoy myself!

MLS been reading you threads and just wanted send you {{{{{hugs}}}}} im so sorry you're having to go through all this.

I CAN totally understand the issue with the ring though, he chose to take it off to please another woman.

DH hasnt worn his for years so its not particularly symbolic for me - when im really pissed of with him I dont wear mine though!

GG we could make life more interesting togther. We like the same things, the same music, nights out, concerts, travel, visiting new places, that sort of thing. We could have a lovely happy life and we have always connected so well and do nothing but laugh when we're together.

I just need to decide if I want to do that don't I.

prettymum thank you so much

GG yes it was about doing it to please her too. That hurts. But then again he slept with her and did so many other things to please her, and himself, and never cared about the marriage at any time. So maybe that's why I need to put it into perspective.

For what it's worth, I think your reaction to finding out he took off his wedding ring is completely normal. Like others have said, his ring was a sign of his commitment to you and so removing it is of course significant. Those little ?home movie? type things in your head are awful, aren?t they?? LOL at annoying yourself ? you?re being to hard on yourself - again

You?ve only just found out these terrible things about someone you adore and you?re bound to go from one strong reaction to another. This is why everyone is advising that you take some time to take stock rather than decide what you want to do straight away ? so that you can get all your feelings out in the open and deal with them rather than repress them for the sake of your relationship.

It?s important that you get a chance to express yourself: to him, to us, to your mates and most crucially to yourself. You won?t know how you really feel about this whole situation unless you let all these feelings come out ? rage, disgust, sadness, love. I know that sounds like psychobabble but it?s the truth, honestly!

Like everyone else, I think you?re doing brilliantly. If nothing else, this experience should show you what strength you have inside you to deal with whatever crap life throws at you. Chin up sweet xx

I like 'psychobabble' I think I did a lot of that last night!!

I think his ears were on fire by the end of it!!

I do wear myself out though. Wish I could sleep as that's the only time all the pain is gone and I'm peaceful. Sadly I'll still have to wake up the next morning and face it though.

I am totally getting the message that I need to stop rushing myself and take time. A while apart from him may help to clarify how I really feel.

I should think you've got the message about taking time out - we've all banged on about it enough

re: the not sleeping and feeling stressed - have you tried some homeopathic stuff? I've used that natural rescue remedy stuff during the day (a couple of drops under the tongue) to take away that panicky feeling and valerian tea before I go to bed at night to help me calm down.

Having said that, when your brain is on a roll going over and over and over stuff, it's very hard to switch off though. Is there something nice you can plan for yourself to look forward to - even if it's just a facial or something nice for yourself?

Have never tried any homeopathic stuff. Never thought of using something to help relax or calm me down before, that's a good idea. I have a banging headache today but no sleep, no good meals and getting on your own nerves is going to do that to you isn't it!

I'm useless in work. I'm wondering if I should take a few days off, perhaps spend some nice time with ds going to the park/swimming etc so that I'm busy focussing on him. Then maybe book to get my hair done towards the end of the week and see if my friends fancy a night out. Might give me a better focus than staring at the computer screen and letting my imagination run wild!

The thing is he is scared now of losing you but its no good to YOU if 6 months down the road he is going to get restless again - you both need to understand WHY and what you can change in your life. Hes not going to be the sole focus of your attention now you have a child, is he man enough to deal with that?

LOL re annoying yourself - I do that too, I brew over stupid things I said YEARS ago, the people I said them to have LONG forgotten but I cant help brewing.

If its possible I would take some time off, I cant believe you are trying to carry on as though nothing is happening.

lol GG glad it's not just me!

I wonder if the counselling will be the time to ask all those questions and get to the bottom of why he did it and how he can convince me it will never happen again.

I think it's a brilliant idea but make sure you plan lots of stuff for yourself. I don't know about you but I have a tendency to mope and feel sorry for myself if I have too much time on my own!

I think the stuff I use is called "Bach's Natural Rescue Remedy" in a yellow box and you can buy it in Boots etc. The Valerian tea my friend bought for me but check the health food shops maybe?

Those times when I'm having a hard time emotionally, I find it really helpful to use tools - little "mantras" I say over and over to myself, counting to ten, talking myself through my fears - do I sound like a nutter yet

Seriously, if you're suffering physically, it makes sense to me to use physical means to counteract that. Have not used self-help books but understand they can also be very helpful.

It's just about finding a way to get through really - whatever works for you. Try different things and see how you feel xx

Am I best pretending I'm ill to work though? I'm not sure I want them to know what's going on?

Just say you need some short-notice leave for a family emergency maybe? Then you don't necessarily have to explain what the problem is!

Thanks Cashncarry I'll look into all of that. I'll go for a walk round the shops at lunch time, it'll probably do me good.

Paddlechick e-mailed me a couple of book recommendations too so I may go and get them - at least reading will focus my mind and hopefully one of the books will magically give me all of the answers!

LOL at finding all the answers - pass them onto me if you do

I think the counselling is a good idea - get to the root of the reasons or you will just be back again in 6 months!

You need some sunshine.

Cashncarry I just remembered the 'pact' we made, back in January I think, when we said we wouldn't tolerate too much arsing about from our respective dh's and we'd give them 6 months! Do you remember?!

Wow I've tolerated some serious arsing about since then!

Just wondered if you are ok and if things are going ok with dh?

Oooh yeah! Was that January - blimey! Yup - we've had some blips since then - posted a couple of threads about it so that I could draw on the MN wisdom (usually late Saturday night!).

It's ok - not great, just ok. Moments of being truly awful though. I still have my suspicions about his behaviour but I'm trying to put his past indiscretion behind me - for now.

The six month limit still stands for me definitely! Thank you for asking - especially considering what you're going through xx

?I give you this ring as a symbol of our marriage?. That?s what we say when we make our wedding vows isn?t it? So when he was with her, he removed that symbol of his marriage. Of course it?s upsetting, because removing the ring is as symbolic as leaving it on. It?s saying ?I?m not married, for the time that we?re together?. That would destroy me too tbh.

My dh used to work with a guy who used to take off his wedding ring when he was out with the lads, his reasons were that ?girls won?t approach the group if they know that one of us is married ? it puts them off?, even my dh didn?t buy that, and the guy in question was given a lot of stick from the other married guys in his office, and was very defensive about it.

Do you know how long he and this girl have been seeing each other? How it started etc? I think I remember asking on another thread whether it was possible he was having an affair, and this was quite a while back.

Has there been any further news from her re the pregnancy etc?

Good for you in sticking to the time limit. I've probably missed your later threads as I never usually get on at the weekend.

Maybe show him what's happened to me and see if he can learn anything from it?!
My dh was truly remorseful last night (as he bloody should be) but I can see how he hates himself and he said he wishes that if he could turn back the clock he'd have given everything to me and our marriage. It's taken this, and basically losing me, to make him realise what he had though!! Bloody men!

Good luck and stay strong. At least I'll be good on the relationship advice front after this and so will always be here to listen and to support you! xx

wannaBe you did ask me about the affair possibility a while back and I remember completely defending him and insisting it wasn't that - lol

It's only been going on for 6-8 weeks. He's been flirting for a while, but things actually only went further in february.

He did the chasing though. He went into her shop, day after day, gave her his number, and then he made the first move one lunch time by popping in and asking her if she fancied going for a drive in their lunch hour. That led to the kiss. Then everything followed.

That's one of the things that's torturing me. He wasn't drunk, flattered, offered it on a plate and succumbed (sp?).
He actively went after her, maybe to prove he could, made the first move, and even when they slept together he drove to her house in full knowledge and awareness of what he was doing.

On the pregnancy front. He's convinced she's lying. I'm not so sure as I know she's desperate for a baby after her miscarriage and she thought him and her were together for the long term.
He wants to completely cut off all contact and not give her the satisfaction of us being bothered about her lies.

I don't know if he should make her do the test though - so that we know one way or another.

Or even say we need a doctors confirmation or something??

I don't know what to do about that??

mylittlestar, hope you don't mind my jokey thread title, I didn't know you where going through a tough time. Someone said I was insensitive. I'm not. Hope you get all the support you need and things work out.