mylittlestar update - Oh sh**, oh sh**, oh sh**. Why didn't I listen? Am I a complete mug? Will I ever get over this??????

[mylittlestar]

Posted a bit this weekend but just couldn't think straight enough to start a thread.

Ok to brifly summarise for those who don't know - dh left me and ds last year after 14 years together (since age 16) as he needed 'space', had many issues in his life (work, parents split up, closest person in his family passed away), suffering from depression too.

It killed me, absolutley killed me, but I felt our marriage was worth saving and supported him 100%, let him come and go as he pleased, let him have the family life (to see what he was missing... lol!) and the single life.

People in RL (and on here - HappyDaddy in particular, you were right!) said I was being naive. That he was having his cake and eating it. That he needed to grow up and face his responsibilities. Why did he have the 'right' to walk away and come back when he wants. And many people also said that he probably wanted to go and see other women.

I defended him to everyone. Absolutely everyone. I had 100% faith that once he got the 'living alone, putting himself first' thing out of his system he'd come back to me and ds and we'd be stronger than ever.

Friday night he was staying with me but disappeared for 2 hours ('gym'?!). Sat morning he got up at 7.30 am (went out to get 'breakfast and the papers'!) disappeared for 2 hours and switched off his phone when I rang him.
Alarm bells started. He'd pushed me too far. When he got in the shower I checked his phone. 2 messages. Unknown number... 'why didn't you want to kiss me, is everything ok, can you pick me up from work later....'

I confronted him immediately. He tried to deny it. But gave in after a few mins. He's been having an affair with a 19 year old.

I was shaking uncontrollably. (Now Can't stop being sick.) But I held it together.

We talked. I listened to him. I then went straight up to where she works and confronted her. Complete slut. I was really strong and dignified, asked her to explain her side, then calmly walked away. She was white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf. But said he pursued her and she had every right to see who she wants, especially as we're 'separated'...

I then asked him to end things with her, which he did immediately. She then got really really pssed off and got in touch saying how much she loved him, that they love each other, and* that shes pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's what hurts. Yes the affair. The deception. At a time when I'd givien him everything I could to support him.

The fact he had unprotected sex with her. (I now have no idea if the pregnancy is true or a desperate lie to keep him.)

The fact he swore leaving was nothing to do with seeing other people and nothing to do with his age. Then he actively seeks out a 19 year old to do this with (he's 30 this week)!

He swears he doesn't love her. It was about selfish attention seeking and excitement. And ironically, after months of wanting him to come back to me and ds and say that I'm all he wants in the world - he has finally said it!

I know deep down in my heart I can forgive him. I stick by my committment to my marriage, I love him to bits, and I think we can have a happy life. I honestly do.

He's seen the grass isn't greener. But why did he have to test it

But how the hell do ever get close to him again? How will I ever get the thoughts of him and her out of my head?

Have I allowed him to have this affair by letting him have the double life? Am I a complete mug?

Ok, next step is to get STI checks. To find out about the pregnancy. And for us to talk and continue with the relationship counselling (which was working wonders and bringing us really close again?!?!) - whilst he had an affair in the background!

My heart isn't broken, it's numb. Inside is just emptiness, sadness, sheer hurt beyond words. But somewhere in there is my love for him. Can I get through this and ever have a happy marriage again?
I'd like positive stories or guidance. But if you think I'm a complete a* hole then tell me.

I agree with VVVQV, mylittlestar. Your DH would have been giving it "my wife doesn't understand me / it's a marriage in name only / we haven't had sex in years" so he could get her into bed. He probably implied that he wanted something more long term, just to keep her hanging on.

Not that I have personal experience, just seen others do it.

Sorry to hear about this MLS.

Men do sometimes do have a midlife crisis and it looks like yours has gone for it big time...I mean a 19 year old for gods sake!! I would say the pregnancy is just her calling wolf to be honest, she sounds quite yound and needy and probably thinks that will get her what she wants.

You have been together since 16 and men are programmed to think they should "sow their wild oats" before settling down, I think he maybe thought he had missed out on something and that is what has led him to this. He has been a completely selfish twonk having unprotected sex and if it is his baby he will be paying the price for a long time.

No point in him staying with you if he will be looking over your sholder for something new though which may happen if you let him back too easily. He knows you love him, he knows you ideally would like to bring DC up together now he needs to PROVE that he is serious about it and you need to decide if it is really what YOU want.

Sorry dont want to sound negative - I hope it works out the way you want.

mls, just wanted to say that I think he's incredibly lucky to have you and lucky that you still care. You must have an inner strength that I could only dream of having in such circumstances.

I wish you happiness, whatever YOU decide.

Thank you everyone. You've given me the strength to get through today and I'm so grateful for that. I will let you know how things go later.

The one thing I'm torturing myself with now - how will I ever get the image of them together out of my head? Is that even possible?

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You can get the image out of your head - believe me. I forgave my H twice for his affair. We separated to "give him space too" where in reality all he wanted was to be with her - she's 10yrs older than me (and I'm no spring chicken ). However, he decided that the grass is greener on the other side even though I put my body and soul into the counselling to save what I felt was a good marriage. In reality you never forgive - you push it aside and forget for a while.

If you take him back - it's on your terms and your terms only. He's the one who has to rebuild the trust, make the changes to save your relationship. It's hard I won't beat about the bush, you'll cry, you'll wonder why you're doing it. If the relationship is worth saving it will be saved. I've already seen one couple get back together that I've been party to the break up. Sadly I'm heading towards single parenthood but I'm sure I'll be in a far better place. I'm always online at strange times as I'm in the States, but if you want to CAT me you can.

Take care of yourself and your little one first and foremost and put his needs way down the list. Sorry this is so long.

Well I OBVIOUSLY spend too much time reading problem pages but they always say if you start to think of them together push it out by thinking of something nice that the two of you did together.

mylittlestar - when my dad died the image of his last few days was like a tape playing in my head - so vivid and I couldn't stop it. It lessened with time, though, and I bet that the pain that you're feeling now will be the same - if you successfully rebuild your relationship then that horrible mental image will cease to appear.

MLS I am SO sorry to hear this esp. after our "convo" of last week. I didn't exactly fear the worst re your DH but when men behave the way he has, even before these recent revelatios, (and many do) another woman is always a distinct possibility..

I would imagine that the next few days and weeks are going to be very important for you in finding out how you REALLY feel about all this. The other week you were saying that if another woman was involved this really would be the last straw. And we were also talking about how you have ben able to prove (to him and to yourself) that you CAN mangage without him; you have HAD to, thanks to him! He has brought this realisation upon you and I think it's very early days yet with regard to you knowing how you really feel. Remember, you don't NEED him; you just want him in your life. Or you did before this, despite everything. You need time to work out what you really want now.

I'm sure he really is panicking now because he thinks he may have lost you, just when he has realised he doesnt want to be without you and that he has made a very VERY big mistake. But made it he has and no amount of begging and pleading can take that away. I know you love him, that isn't wrong, but you deserve a life where you do not have to constantly worry what he is up to; what is going on in his head and whether there is a something sinister behind every bad mood. If the relationship is ever going to work after his, he has SUCH a lot of hard work do to and even then, YOU hold all the cards because HE has done this and after a 14 year relationship.

I hope you are ok. Thinking of you. And got to stp now; keboard playing up; this has taken me 15 mins to type!!

MLS, I have nothing more to add to the excellent advice on this thread, but wanted to say that you sounds like a wonderful wife and mother, and I hope your DH sorts himself out to become an equally worthy husband and father.
I hope things work out the way you want them to.

mylittlestar
you sound like such an amazing and brave woman. I am so sorry this is happening to you.
thinking of you x

Thanks guys. I didn't manage to get back on last night as I saw dh when I picked the baby up and we ended up talking for hours.

GG, alipiggie, fortyplus thanks so much for the advice about getting the image out of my head. One thing probably only time will heal.

Shiny I know I can't believe this happened and after we 'talked' last week I was convinced that I could never forgive infidelity. Then yesterday I found myself not only wanting to forgive, but also considering welcoming his potential child into our lives!! You're right and I do know I can live without him, and I know I could cope, it's just whether I want to now.

Update from last night anyway, I asked him question after question, we talked for hours, and I was leaning towards agreeing to giving things another try.

But one thing he said, for some reason, just changed everything. I asked him if he'd ever taken his wedding ring off. Even at my lowest times when he'd left it was one thing I swore I'd never do until the day I divorced.

He admitted that she'd made a comment about his ring, so from that point on, everytime he met her, he'd take it off.

For some reason this just killed me. I think I was rationalising the affair by thinking it was all about him. It was pure selfishness. It wasn't a reflection on me, I never even came into it.

But the thought of him actively removing his ring made me feel that he was forced to think of me before every meeting with her. But had to consciously hide the ring and think 'fu** my marriage, that's what I think about dw'.

Then he'd calmly put it on and come back to me.

This feels completely irrational. That I can forgive leaving me, putting me through hell, an affair, unprotected sex, a baby... but can't forgive him taking his wedding ring off??!! It's a ring FGS! And I don't know why!!!!

I have told him that at this moment I feel that I can't save our marriage and have nothing left to give.

He has begged me to give him a chance to prove that he can make me truly happy again. Said he wants nothing more than to be with me and forever means forever.

I'm going to use the advice about taking stock now and try to decide whether I can get over it. Somewhere deep in my (very broken) heart I do love him and still feel the commitment to my marriage. But I'm just not sure if I can anymore.

(Thanks for listening.)

You are so upset because that wedding ring is a symbol of you, your relationship with him, and his love for you. He took it off and hid it in his pocket to please another woman.
Good idea to sit back and take stock. You shouldn't make any big decisions, until you've calmed down and thought rationally, and when you're ready, have talked to him a LOT more.
Don't let his begging sway you. He will say and promise anything to you now to get what he wants, mush as he did to this young girl to get what he wanted from her.
{{{{{{{{BIG hUGS for MLS}}}}}}}}}}}}
We're here for you.

Thank you BOM

Are you ok? Under the circumstances?

Not really BOM. I'm in work. I'm in my suit looking professional, hair and makeup done, sitting with all my files around me looking like I'm working.

Instead I'm just in a bit of a daze. I still can't eat, my stomach is in knots. I can't even face a cup of tea.

The tea round is a big thing in our office and I'm sure a few people think I'm pg (lol!) because the only other time I've ever refused a cuppa was when I had awful morning sickness.

I just can't focus tbh. The minute I let the thoughts creep back in, my stomach tenses up again. But I can't keep busy with work as my mind is racing!!

Good morning MLS. I think you are coping remarkably well with all that has been thrown at you which only tells me that you are strong enough to go it alone, if only for a while whilst you decide what is right for you & your DS.

thanks stevie, think I'm beginning to think that too

the sad thing is it's dh's 30th this weekend and I had planned us a lovely meal, arranged for us to be picked up in a chauffeur driven car so we could drink champagne on the journey over there - totally totally beyond my budget! but I planned it hoping it would give us some really special memories and make him realise that being 30 and being with me isn't all that bad! Wish I'd have known this then!!

don't really have much to add Littlestar, except hang on in, you're doing fine. Sad re his birthday, you just have to do what you think best for you. Know exactly what you mean about knotted stomach, i get that too and don't want to eat, so make sure you look after yourself. Only good thing for me was that i shed a whole stone without trying

Oh MLS! .

I agree totally with BoM about the wedding ring: how you feel makes perfect sense to me. I really think you need some big space from your H for a while to work out what's right for YOU. Not sure what to suggest about birthday, personally I wouldn't want to go through with it, but this has to be about you.

PT x

Dont let him push you into doing what HE wants, you gave him space because thats what he needed but obviously his actions have changed how you view him. Take time to think about whether you want him because you like him, love him & want to spend your life with him OR because thats how you thought you life would go and you are afraid of the alternative.

All you can do is take a day at a time, gradually it WILL get easier.

Yes, it's so easy to think you love someone, because you always have, and you want(ed) to spend your life with them, and you have so many happy memories etc etc, but how they behave can change the way you really feel about them, it can just take some coming to terms with because it means everything has to change. This is why it's so important for you to take your time deciding how you feel MLS ((((hugs)))

Well its no good being "in love" with someone if you dont actually LIKE them any more.

I had a very intese relationship with someone years ago but at the back of my mind I always knew he was a bit of a tosser! I felt totally awful when we split up but I shudder to think about what my life would have been like had we stayed together. DH is worth 100 of tosspot.

Well, before now, you can believe that he was behaving on a whim, carried off in the moment, that he could be swayed by feminine whiles, etc.

However, the action of consciously removing the symbol of his love, committment and fidelity to you, is 100% proof positive that he CHOSE to betray you, he thought about it, he knew exactly what he was doing, and he wanted to be 'single' for an 'easy lay' and an ego massage.

So, it makes perfect sense that the removing of the ring is such a gut-wrencher for you. You are being incredibly strong.

onwards and upwards for you my lovely.

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