mylittlestar update - Oh sh**, oh sh**, oh sh**. Why didn't I listen? Am I a complete mug? Will I ever get over this??????

[mylittlestar]

Posted a bit this weekend but just couldn't think straight enough to start a thread.

Ok to brifly summarise for those who don't know - dh left me and ds last year after 14 years together (since age 16) as he needed 'space', had many issues in his life (work, parents split up, closest person in his family passed away), suffering from depression too.

It killed me, absolutley killed me, but I felt our marriage was worth saving and supported him 100%, let him come and go as he pleased, let him have the family life (to see what he was missing... lol!) and the single life.

People in RL (and on here - HappyDaddy in particular, you were right!) said I was being naive. That he was having his cake and eating it. That he needed to grow up and face his responsibilities. Why did he have the 'right' to walk away and come back when he wants. And many people also said that he probably wanted to go and see other women.

I defended him to everyone. Absolutely everyone. I had 100% faith that once he got the 'living alone, putting himself first' thing out of his system he'd come back to me and ds and we'd be stronger than ever.

Friday night he was staying with me but disappeared for 2 hours ('gym'?!). Sat morning he got up at 7.30 am (went out to get 'breakfast and the papers'!) disappeared for 2 hours and switched off his phone when I rang him.
Alarm bells started. He'd pushed me too far. When he got in the shower I checked his phone. 2 messages. Unknown number... 'why didn't you want to kiss me, is everything ok, can you pick me up from work later....'

I confronted him immediately. He tried to deny it. But gave in after a few mins. He's been having an affair with a 19 year old.

I was shaking uncontrollably. (Now Can't stop being sick.) But I held it together.

We talked. I listened to him. I then went straight up to where she works and confronted her. Complete slut. I was really strong and dignified, asked her to explain her side, then calmly walked away. She was white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf. But said he pursued her and she had every right to see who she wants, especially as we're 'separated'...

I then asked him to end things with her, which he did immediately. She then got really really pssed off and got in touch saying how much she loved him, that they love each other, and* that shes pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's what hurts. Yes the affair. The deception. At a time when I'd givien him everything I could to support him.

The fact he had unprotected sex with her. (I now have no idea if the pregnancy is true or a desperate lie to keep him.)

The fact he swore leaving was nothing to do with seeing other people and nothing to do with his age. Then he actively seeks out a 19 year old to do this with (he's 30 this week)!

He swears he doesn't love her. It was about selfish attention seeking and excitement. And ironically, after months of wanting him to come back to me and ds and say that I'm all he wants in the world - he has finally said it!

I know deep down in my heart I can forgive him. I stick by my committment to my marriage, I love him to bits, and I think we can have a happy life. I honestly do.

He's seen the grass isn't greener. But why did he have to test it

But how the hell do ever get close to him again? How will I ever get the thoughts of him and her out of my head?

Have I allowed him to have this affair by letting him have the double life? Am I a complete mug?

Ok, next step is to get STI checks. To find out about the pregnancy. And for us to talk and continue with the relationship counselling (which was working wonders and bringing us really close again?!?!) - whilst he had an affair in the background!

My heart isn't broken, it's numb. Inside is just emptiness, sadness, sheer hurt beyond words. But somewhere in there is my love for him. Can I get through this and ever have a happy marriage again?
I'd like positive stories or guidance. But if you think I'm a complete a* hole then tell me.

It is easy for him to say he was going to end it after he was found out.It doesn't have to be the end forever but for now which way can you turn.She is pregnant and he needs to sort that side of things out

He sounds extremely weak, and if you kick him out he will just take the easiest option, which is to go to her.
I would think that if you want the marriage to continue, and it sounds like you do, you have to accept that you cannot rely on his integrity, since he has none, and you will have to control him like the dog he is.
Glassslipper's small steps advice is excellent IMO. My only suggestion would be that if you do decide to let him stay and work on the marriage, it would be with the ultimatum that any more lies/contact with her (baby or no baby) then he's out, and stick to it.

I think you need to let him go to see how hard he tries to get you back. If you kick him out on probation, see if he really tries or if, after a little while, the efforts tail off.

If he really and truly wants to make your marriage work, he will know that he has to go through a period where he has to prove just how much. And he has to do that from his own place, not in your home, as you need that as a sanctuary.

Totally agree with freckle and turquoise.

you're a saint, you really are. i'm so sorry this has happened.

He is weak. You're right. That's absolutely the problem. He's weak and selfish.

Freckle - I like that advice.

But I also worry that that sort of freedom is what let this happen in the first place.

But I guess this is the time where I need to see some effort and trying on his part. I've done all the trying, all the compromising, everything.

ledodgy thanks xx

BLOODY HELL, HOW AWFUL

NO WORDS OF WISDOM, JUST SYMPATHY AND HUGS

XXX

You shouldn't have to keep someone on a leash though to be able to trust them.Giving him freedom is not what caused this in the first place

I feel that it has been going on too long for you to forgive him.

Chuck him out have a trial 3 month separation and then see how you both feel.

MLS - am so sorry for what you have been through.

A simialr thing happened to my best friend 7 years ago. Her DH apologised and ended the affair - expained why it had happened and she made changes to her lifestyle to makesure it didnt happen again.

There are very few people who know about his indiscretion and she is happy with it being like that. She never mentions and is happy with her 2 DC's born since it happened, and does all she can to make her DH happy.

However every now and then when it's just the two of us where no one can hear us, normally in the car on a night out she has a little chat and a cry as she say's she will never be able to forget what he has done or not think of him and the other woman. And that she can never completely trust him again!

So the good thing is that she has a great family life and as a couple they have moved forward.

The bad thing is that she is storing up all the hurt by herself, it's what's in her own head and heart that she has to live with!

If you and you alone can live with what has happened then you should do your utmost to make your marriage work.

As for the 19yr old. Get her pregnancy story checked - BF's othe woman was a phsycho and caused no end of trouble once the affair was over. So you and DH need to be strong for each other if she goes off the deep end!

MLS, fwiw, I completely disagree with BOM. It ought to have been completely unnecessary for you to make it clear that other women were off limits. You should not have to spell out to a 30 yo man you have known for 14 years and with whom you have a child, what is and what is not acceptable behaviour. Please do not take any responsibility for his cheap and tacky actions.

That said, I wish you well and I think only time will tell whether you and he can make this work. Please give yourself some time and do whatever you can to be sure of your husband's commitment to you and your ds.

xx

am just on way out the door so will write more later. only thing I would ask yourself though is:

you found out by checking his phone, and he told you everything you wanted to hear after you confronted him. What would have happened if you hadn't found out? You say he's finished with her, but did he do this because you told him to? if you hadn't confronted him how much longer would he have continued lying?

Mylittestar - I've just seen this. I'm nearly in tears for you

You've had some great advice but a couple of things you've said stand out to me:

• You think you're an ar*ehole and let him have his cake and eat it. You certainly didn't. You gave him an opportunity to redeem himself and tried to make your marriage work. He and he alone has done wrong. He could have used it as an opportunity to get his head together but instead used it as an excuse to fall into bed with the nearest bit of skirt.

• You said he's finally saying the things you want to hear i.e. that you and DS are the centre of his world etc. Do you think that might be because the girl is pregnant. He's obviously terrified of commitment generally but is picking the less terrifying of the two (being you) where he knows that perhaps he'll have more leeway.

I'm sorry if I seem to be harsh. I and everyone else on MN and in RL will of course support you if you want to work on your relationship with this man. But please please think of yourself first before you think of him. Judge him on his behaviour not his words and protect yourself physically, emotionally and financially from someone who has done and is doing so much damage to you.

xxx

It wasn't the freedom that made him do what he did. It merely offered him an easier opportunity.

What he has to prove is that, with complete freedom, he chooses not to do anything other than work his bl**dy socks off trying to mend your marriage.

Thank you so much for all the advice. I'm shaking uncontrollably and feel physically sick so it's hard keeping up and trying to look professional and like I'm actually working!! (I think I may need to give in and take a few days off, I just hate letting people in work down.)

Anyway, milkshake thank you so much for your story.

I have a very strong feeling this girl will go off at the deep end! She's 19, from what I've cared to listen to has had a very bad life, accused her father of molesting her when she was younger so they kicked her out, had a bf for years, got pg at 18, had miscarriage at 4.5 months pg (truly horrendous nobody should have to go through that), then her bf ran off. I think she thought my dh would love, care and protect her and make her whole life better. She told my dh she 'loved' him after a few snogs and lunches out. WTF?!

He really picked the wrong person to have a casual affair with. There's every chance she could be pregnant. And I really do fear that she will not go away quietly.

He swears now that he'll stick by me though.

Just had a text to say he'll do whatever it takes to prove how sorry he is, and he intends to give me and our relationship everything he's got.

I'm so confused.

makes me so bloody mad, men are so fecking predicatable (she says from expereince !!)

DH1 did this to me...but we had no children so it made it easy to walk away.....

DH2 (current husband - sounds as if I'm looking for no 3 !!!) had an affair 9 years ago, so before we had children but it didn't come out into the open until DS (now 6) was 9 months old - she'd been back in contact and they were looking to rekindle the affair until I found out & nipped it in the bud before it got to that stage - I spoke with her and her husband then threw DH out for a month refusing him to see DS and only corresponding through a solicitor - a short sharp shock tactic but also a reflection of how I felt at that time - I really wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him at that time......

Making a go of it is really hard - we're still together but tbh there isn't a week that goes by when something reminds me of his betrayal...I've certainly forgiven, but never forgotten and there's always been a part of me that will never completely trust DH again. The reality is that a betrayal (by whichever party) does change the relationship, I don't believe that it can ever go back to how it was, it just takes a different path...sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. When an adult makes a decision to have an affair then they have to take full responsibility for that decision - I'm absolutely not a believer in excuses for taking that final step

" he was under pressure, he wasn't getting any sex etc etc etc" doesn't wash with me....there can always be a reason but the reality is that the person that you have built a relationship, that you believe to have a mutual respect and understanding with & for chose to cross the line of acceptable behaviour and they have to take responsibility for that.

My strategy was to, effectively put DH on probation by saying that I wanted to make a go of it but couldn't promise that I'd feel the same after, say, a 6 month period...the reality is that you don't know how your're going to feel on what will be a roller coaster ride - they'll be days when you love him so intensely then others when you could quite happily stick a knife in his back for the hurt that he's caused to you and, potentially your family...

I wish you lol and mumsnet vibes....good luck

Really sorry to hear this. He sounds very immature. If she is pregnant then he will be tied to her for a very long time and that will make it difficult for you because she and their child will always be there in the background. You didn't 'allow' this to happen - he chose to make it happen. I wish you well if you decide you want to make another go of it with him but have a think about why you really still want him. If you've been with him since you were 16 maybe there is a fear of the unknown. Don't make it too easy for him just to slip back into your life - he needs to work at it.

Marriages can and do survive affairs, it takes time, commitment, tears, rows, more tears, more time, but it does happen, and there are people on mn who will testify to the fact that it is possible to rebuild a marriage after an affair.

But before you can look to the future you need to look at the here and now. This girl may be pregnant, how do you feel about that? If she goes ahead with the pregnancy then there is going to be a baby, an innocent child, who didn?t ask to be born into the centre of all this. And that baby will have the right to want a relationship with his/her father, and ultimately, with your ds, who will be his/her half brother. Can your marriage survive that? Will you be able to look at that child, have a relationship with that child if your dh has him/her on access visits, knowing what he/she represents?

You need to establish whether this girl actually is pregnant before you can look to rebuild your lives together, because if she is this changes the outcome significantly. If she isn?t, he can walk away from her and never look back, and ultimately the pain will become less and you will move on together, but if she is she will for ever be a part of your lives.

boobs thanks for sharing your story. you sound like you've been so strong.

I really can't help feeling that men are all the same and I'm better off with the one I know that finding another one who will do the same to me!

That comment says more about my self esteem than anything though! I know I deserve better. I'm young, have a great job, have great family and friends, and I'm pretty sure I'm not hideously ugly too!

Sadly too, my dh didn't even have the excuse of no sex. I'm in a lucky position of feeling really happy and confident with myself since getting back into shape after having ds, and things in that depertment were really good. We both felt that. (Although not enough for him obviously!)
It was a problem within him that led to the affair, he knows he doesn't even have an excuse.

jelly I'd never thought of asking him to come up with a plan. I've got so used to being the strong one and him constantly saying 'I don't know' so that he could keep me in limbo. I will definitely take your advice and ask him tonight what is plan is for our future, how he plans to make it work, and what practical steps he plans to take next.

Mylittlestar - I really think you need some time out from this situation. You feel physically sick because you're under enormous stress. Is there anyway you could ask him to leave you alone for a while so you could have a chance to digest how YOU feel? However long you think you need - a week, a month?

I know it's hard. I know you want him to make everything better. But if you really do need some space from him to figure out some things for yourself. He's texting you at work begging your forgiveness - is this part of a wider campaign? I can't imagine that you're getting much time to yourself what with work, DS and him?

One other thing and then I'll stop nagging I promise

While I was reading your last post, I actually caught myself feeling sorry for this girl. Then I caught myself feeling sorry for him for picking her

Will you stop making excuses for him? There's no right person to pick for an affair! The rights and wrongs of what he did to her or what she did/is going to do to him is not your problem. If she does turn psycho he'll have to deal with it. Believe me, if she told him she loved him after such a short time, she must have had good reason to think that was what he wanted to hear...

I'm sorry if I'm being a tad harsh. It's just I feel so for you and I really do what to kick his arse!

wannabe you're exactly right.
the prgnancy is the main factor for me at the moment. I feel the anger welling up inside me everytime I think about the fact that he was so utterly selfish and reckless to have unprotected sex. Why the hell he believed her that she was on the pill I don't know.

This anger is made a million times worse by the fact that we got caught with ds while I was on the pill!!!!! It was a massive shock for us, took some adjusting to, we just could not believe after 12 years using that contraception successfully that it had happened.

Then he slept with her without a condom!! It shouldn't have mattered that she was on the pill. STI's and an unplanned baby didn't even register with him. I'll never forgive that.

If she's not pg then waliking away and rebuilding will be easier.

If she is, how do I feel? Devastated that he will have a baby with her. Especially as I've been broody since having ds but dh says no for now.
But full of compassion for the poor child who didn't ask for any of this.

He said he'd want nothing to do with her or the baby. Never.

I would actually want the baby in our lives. I'd want it to know it was loved by it's father and welcomed as my step child and my son's sibling. I only have to look at my ds to know that.

The innocent child would deserve a happy content and protected life as much as my ds. It would be it's f*ing reckless parents who don't deserve a thing.

cashncarry hi. thank you. you're right. and I'd love you to kick his arse! you're not being harsh at all. I need this advice and support.

FWIW I think she said she loved him so quickly because she latched onto the first person who had given her the attention and support she was craving. She truly believed they were in it together for the long term - she told me that. But I will do what you say and stop making excuses for him! He LET her think that way. His fault.

MLS, I have fortunately never had an experience like this so I can't possibly give you any advice, but I just wanted you to know that i'm thinking of you and to ask you to please look after yourself because your DS needs you.

thank you GG

my ds is the most wonderful happy loving baby - at least I'm so lucky to have him