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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I was the Other Women and I'm so sorry

171 replies

otherwomen · 01/06/2017 21:48

It's been 18 months since my affair with a unavailable man was discovered. 18 months ago my world fell apart and I'm no longer the person I was.

I'm not proud of what I done in the slightest and if I could turn the clock back I honestly would and I 100% wouldn't of done it.

For 18 months he pursued me, he chased me until I finally caved, he promised me the world, in came charging into my life and told me we would be together, told me what we would do, where we would go, he even got me pregnant (miss carried).... he even told me not to question his integrity when I questioned him on what he was doing!

18 months ago his partner found out, his partner has children (I believe these children aren't his) he told me he was only staying for the kids! She asked me to tell her details, asked how far it had got, where the affair took place. And it wasn't the first time she had spoken to me either as she had found some messages he had sent me 18 months before, before our physical affair had started... and I didn't tell her because the second she found out he told me not to speak to her!

From that moment he also never spoke to me again, he never answered any of my questions he just blanked me and destroyed me.. and I still had to see him everyday at work.

18 months on I'm slowly repairing, lots of long walks, holidays walking the beach in the evenings alone, and spending time alone I'm finally off the anti depressants, I'm no longer crying, I'm starting to wash again and take care of my appearance, and get back on top of housework and finances, I have even had a few dates very half hearted.... I don't think I will ever be ready to let anyone into my life again.

But I am slowly starting to find myself, he literally broke me, I 100% loved that man. I'm even starting to make peace with all the unanswered questions I have. Sure I still think of him everyday but now it's thinking about the things he said, the snippets of time we spent together and now I'm calm.

But you know what the worst thing is? The worst thing is I never once apologised to her or answered her questions and for that I'm truly sorry, I want to tell her I'm sorry, I want to tell her I'm honestly not that girl chasing unavailable men (because I'm not he was the first and last) and I want to tell her how very very sorry I am for ruining her world, her relationship, her family.

I won't do this, it's not fair to upset her life again for a 3rd time, I have no idea if there still together, I made sure I never looked either of them up on social media but I'm sorry i putting her through this pain I honestly never meant to hurt her.

OP posts:

spankhurst · 01/06/2017 21:53

Well, you did a shitty, selfish thing, but you're clearly more than aware of that. He's the one that should be feeling like this. Do you think he does? Let yourself grieve for your love, forgive yourself and move on. Wanting to contact his partner is just a way of prolonging your connection to him. No good will come of it.

PaintingByNumbers · 01/06/2017 21:56

you arent really relevant tbh, this is between him and her

MoonlightMedicine · 01/06/2017 21:58

It sounds like you need to forgive yourself and move on from this. Don't look back, just look forward and build yourself back up. It sounds like it has been a really tough time for you.

hahahaIdontgetit · 01/06/2017 21:59

You are no longer relevant to them, and you are over dramatic (that's not a good thing)

deckoff · 01/06/2017 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinkheart5917 · 01/06/2017 22:01

You done a shitty thing and your feelings are not relevant really, it's the women & the dc I feel for they are the ones dealing with the fall out for this!

You may of "never meant to hurt her" but what did you honestly think would happen?

Your made a choice to shag an unavailable man and got found out, one would hope you've learnt a lesson. So get over yourself as I doubt his racked with guilt

justdontevenfuckingstart · 01/06/2017 22:02

oh what a load of crap.

Original poster

otherwomen · 01/06/2017 22:02

I would never contact her now! But I do feel bad that I never answered her questions... jeez I have hundreds of my own that I was desperate for him to answer so I can't imagine how she's felt/feels.

As I say I have no idea if they are together, I have purposely not looked I would never throw her back into that nightmare again.

OP posts:

Original poster

otherwomen · 01/06/2017 22:05

No I didn't mean to hurt her, he made it all sound so simple... he would leave before she found out and we would quietly continue our relationship

OP posts:

Original poster

otherwomen · 01/06/2017 22:07

Spankhurst no I don't think he does feel shitty!

OP posts:

Charmageddon · 01/06/2017 22:11

Over-dramatic, self-centred, victim-mentality nonsense.

Boo hoo.
Cry me a river.
It's been 18 months since your boyfriend split up with you - your reaction is completely disproportionate.

I wonder if the poor woman that you (& far more so he) screwed over & didn't give a moments thought to, was able to have the luxury to wallow in self pity & 'rebuild' or if she just had to keep on going because she has kids & responsibilities other than her own self pity?

Get a grip.

Maudlinmaud · 01/06/2017 22:12

I think it's high time you moved on. They obviously have.

SirNiallDementia · 01/06/2017 22:13

You chose to have a relationship with a married man.

Now you have to live with the consequences of that choice.

No sympathy here I'm afraid.

DrMrsPepper · 01/06/2017 22:16

This should be a place of no judgements. I'm glad you're getting your life back together OP and you really need to move on now. We live and we learn

Fortheloveofcharlotte · 01/06/2017 22:19

In an ideal world we would all be perfect, do no wrong and not hurt others but people do. You did wrong and you were hurt. I hope you can move forward from this with a lesson learnt. Good luck x

Pinkheart5917 · 01/06/2017 22:20

"he would leave her" Funny how all ow say he said that isn't it.

It's been 18 months, he soon dropped you and went complete silence for his wife didn't he? When it come down to it you lost, he choose his wife not his bit on the side.

They have rebuilt there life, shame you haven't down the same becuase I doubt he cries in to his pillow about you

Plenty of unattached men available. Maybe go find one

missyB1 · 01/06/2017 22:22

He's not worth all this angst, put him where he belongs, a mistake you made in the past that you have moved on from. Forgive yourself and allow yourself to find happiness. You have lived and learnt.

UnicornSparkles1 · 01/06/2017 22:23

Run OP, run like the wind. You are about to be annihilated.

SheWhoMustNotBeTamed · 01/06/2017 22:25

Yes what you did was dreadful but the fact you feel bad for it tells me you aren't an evil person. Easily manipulated and impulsive, but not evil.

I rarely hear men who are the OM feel so shitty about not telling the husband. How he can't sleep or eat etc.

Even when women do disgusting things we still seem to care about the other human involved a lot more than our male counterpart.

Note: I'm speaking generally, some OMs do care and many OWs are vindictive cows

Original poster

otherwomen · 01/06/2017 22:28

No I won't run!!

I'm sorry I made a huge mistake and I'm not perfect like 99% of Mumsnet but I am truly sorry for the situation I got involved in.

And in all of it the pain I caused her is what bothers me the most.

I'm not sitting at home crying over him, I loved him but I can now see him for what he was!

OP posts:

RebornSlippy · 01/06/2017 22:29

Fucks sake. Some right hard nuts here.

OP, yeah, you fucked up. However, I think you're paying the price. It's incredible to me how some men can be such liars. What is it? Do they believe the words when they're saying them and then chicken out? Or are they fully aware they're talking shite the whole time. Either way, you're well out of it. Be thankful he's gone silent. Better to hear nothing than bullshit.

Mind yourself.

SheWhoMustNotBeTamed · 01/06/2017 22:29

Also honestly just because she is a fellow woman doesn't mean she owes the wife loyalty.

Sure if they were friends but if they don't know each other it's acsimple case of self destruction to me.

You get with a cheater, you'll eventually be cheated on too.

If my H had an affair with someone who didn't know me I feel I'd be angry at her but I wouldn't feel she had slighted me just anger at how this could happen. If she felt guilty I would be glad though- it would tell me she had some moral fibre somewhere.

DearMrDilkington · 01/06/2017 22:30

*You chose to have a relationship with a married man.

Now you have to live with the consequences of that choice.

No sympathy here I'm afraid.*

This.

rhinorocks · 01/06/2017 22:31

Are you writing a novel? Or studying journalism or creative writing?

babycow38 · 01/06/2017 22:31

My OW, said all the same, me and my Husband are back together, I hope you mean it OP, it's great to know OW are not the bitches we think they are, but mine said it all, paid lip service to leaving us alone, then still tried to text and rekindle , she could just not handle being out of the picture,

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