I was the Other Women and I'm so sorry

[otherwomen]

It's been 18 months since my affair with a unavailable man was discovered. 18 months ago my world fell apart and I'm no longer the person I was.

I'm not proud of what I done in the slightest and if I could turn the clock back I honestly would and I 100% wouldn't of done it.

For 18 months he pursued me, he chased me until I finally caved, he promised me the world, in came charging into my life and told me we would be together, told me what we would do, where we would go, he even got me pregnant (miss carried).... he even told me not to question his integrity when I questioned him on what he was doing!

18 months ago his partner found out, his partner has children (I believe these children aren't his) he told me he was only staying for the kids! She asked me to tell her details, asked how far it had got, where the affair took place. And it wasn't the first time she had spoken to me either as she had found some messages he had sent me 18 months before, before our physical affair had started... and I didn't tell her because the second she found out he told me not to speak to her!

From that moment he also never spoke to me again, he never answered any of my questions he just blanked me and destroyed me.. and I still had to see him everyday at work.

18 months on I'm slowly repairing, lots of long walks, holidays walking the beach in the evenings alone, and spending time alone I'm finally off the anti depressants, I'm no longer crying, I'm starting to wash again and take care of my appearance, and get back on top of housework and finances, I have even had a few dates very half hearted.... I don't think I will ever be ready to let anyone into my life again.

But I am slowly starting to find myself, he literally broke me, I 100% loved that man. I'm even starting to make peace with all the unanswered questions I have. Sure I still think of him everyday but now it's thinking about the things he said, the snippets of time we spent together and now I'm calm.

But you know what the worst thing is? The worst thing is I never once apologised to her or answered her questions and for that I'm truly sorry, I want to tell her I'm sorry, I want to tell her I'm honestly not that girl chasing unavailable men (because I'm not he was the first and last) and I want to tell her how very very sorry I am for ruining her world, her relationship, her family.

I won't do this, it's not fair to upset her life again for a 3rd time, I have no idea if there still together, I made sure I never looked either of them up on social media but I'm sorry i putting her through this pain I honestly never meant to hurt her.

Talk about shifting the blame god's sake.

Are you saying the man who cheated on and betrayed his partner isn't to blame?

it's cold, calculating, heartless and ultimately selfish.

How would you describe the man's behaviour?

It sounds like he targeted you because you were vulnerable and being lonely/vulnerable you fell for it. We all do stupid things, fall for idiots, make mistakes. Accept that, get over it and move on.

You're wasting your time and energy feeling bad. There's no reason to. If he hadn't cheated with you, it would have been someone else. He still would have been the person he was, done what he did and their marriage would be what it was... You didn't change anything.

Had you not miscarried, he likely would have left her for you and you'd be with him now, you wouldn't be feeling guilty and I don't think you are feeling guilty now. I think you're not over him and pretending to yourself that the moping over him is guilt over his wife. When it's not about her. He hurt you.

NoLoveOf: Are you stupid, did I say he was not to blame?

What the hell do you think of his behaviour, that he's a model husband and human being?

Are you stupid

No.

did I say he was not to blame?

Nothing in your post suggested you thought he was to blame.

What the hell do you think of his behaviour, that he's a model husband and human being?

That he's cold, calculating, heartless and selfish.

NoLoveofMine I'm pretty sure the posts here have an emphasis on the female because she's the one that is relevant to the thread. Of course the man is to blame, and I don't think for a second that anyone here thinks otherwise. It's not a case of one or the other, you know.

It's not a case of one or the other, you know.

I agree. I think when one party knows the other is in a relationship they are partly to blame in fact - I wouldn't excuse them, I just note that more vitriol not only on this thread but in general when reading reaction to these kind of things tends to be aimed at specifically women even when it's the man who's cheated on his partner and betrayed them and their children.

The posts talking of him "choosing" his partner as if he's had an affair to consider other options then come down on a particular side and the woman chosen has somehow "won" also add to this.

The reason more vitriol,is directed towards the OW on this thread than the cheating husband NoLove is because posters are talking directly to the OW. If the husband posted here he'd get as hard a time, if not harder.

It's not just on this thread where this happens. My last post is also relevant to this; if some think partner could "choose" either and his partner "won" that doesn't suggest they'd give him much of a hard time.

NoLoveofMine Ah okay I get where you're coming from. I really do apologise for the tone of my previous post towards you - it definitely came out a lot snippier than I meant for it to be, sensitive topic and all!

Thanks GrapefruitMoonshine and no need to apologise - thank you for doing so but tone can often come across wrong online and I didn't think anything negative of yours!

OP, whatever your reasons for posting this, you've just given some posters here the opportunity to lash out at you and take out their own anger and frustrations with their OWN partners, on you.

For that reason, I hope you are not a genuine poster.

And now Lyingwitch is also a hypnotist who can see into our minds and what is going on with our partners lol.

Notlove: why would I start a chat about the man, he's not on here, the OP is, no idea why you are even asking me that, I can assure you I lay blame on both the OP and the man, pair of cheats, probably made the sex more exciting the fact they were taking the piss out the poor unsuspecting wife.

It's inevitable that threads like this will hit nerves and it obviously has. The OP, if a genuine poster, has no reason to apologise to posters here (assuming her affair partner isn't attached to one). Apologies 'by proxy' are meaningless.

This isn't a 'safe' space for OW - repentent or not - and never will be. It's like fleas finding their first blood for ages. Every. Single. Time.

But that's not my impression of MN in general NoLove. Not at all. I think cheating husbands/wives are hugely condemned and the subject of much invective. As are OW/OM.

There are usually a few apologists for cheaters. Ranging from "think of the effect of divorce on your children" to "I think I could forgive my spouse for a brief affair, as long as he broke it off/apologized/showed remorse" and the inevitable "but if a woman came on here and said she'd had an affair due to unhappiness/lack of sex, she'd get a much more sympathetic response than a man would". Incidentally, the latter genuinely just isn't true- both men and women who cheat get roundly told "if it's bad enough to have an affair, it's bad enough to just leave" and get handed their head in their hands to okay with, morally speaking. If anything, a cheating man will get a few more "there, there" handholds than a woman. There was a long-running thread by a guy with a daughter from an fair in Poland who got a shocking amount of tea and sympathy (some of which, to be fair, was probably about trying to make sure the innocent child didn't suffer).

Whilst with OW/OM, there are also apologists, but generally more of them. There is usually a very healthy sprinkling. Ranging from "you made a mistake, no-one's perfect, don't do it again" and "you've done nothing wrong technically, he's the cheater" to "why isn't anyone blaming the cheater". In the latter case, generally loads of people are blaming the cheater. There are also some who omit to mention specifically that they also blame the cheater. Very occasionally, someone will say "I blame the OW/OM more than the cheater, how can they be such a traitor to their sex?". But they are far, far fewer in number than who say "Technically, he's the only one who cheated, you never made a marital vow".

What ar the questions you have for him? At a guess:

Why did you pursue me if you had no intention of leaving her?

Because it was thrilling - the chase and the secrecy.

Did you mean it when you said yiu loved me?

At that second - possibly- but I always loved her more!

The fact that as soon as she found out he cut contact shows these would be the answers.

The fact he didn't want you to speak to her to tell her what happened proved this too so he coukd spin her a web of lies and minimise your relationship so she'd take him back. Hopefully she saw through him and binned him off!

Do you mean you were pregnant by someone else and he pursued you as you say it didn't become physical until you were 6 months.

Thanks for the reply RhythmAndStealth. I very much see your point. I should have been clearer I was talking of society in general and a few comments on this thread, not MN in general. I do feel that in society women are always blamed in these situations but do agree with you on the range of reactions there are here, as this thread also shows to an extent.

Absolutely zero sympathy for you, not one single drop. What a load of self-pitying drivel. A woman exactly like you destroyed my marriage. Yes my ex was a cheating fuck but women who have an affair knowingly with a married man deserve all they get.

This isn't a 'safe' space for OW - repentent or not - and never will be. It's like fleas finding their first blood for ages. Every. Single. Time

Maybe that's because most normal decent human beings with a conscience find this type of behaviour abhorrent; I can assure you I am not a flea and I'd much rather not read these posts.

It's funny how when the majority of posters disagree with someone's behaviour the goaders react by saying we are all in some kind of collusion with each other to gang up on the OP - erm no, the responses are representative of a variety of people who will simply not condone said behaviour.

I'd say the same to my friend, my sister, even my daughter, there is NEVER an excuse to get involved with someone else's partner, never and a post starting off by saying unavailable and eventually I gave in, he pursued me is utter bollocks, it's actually insulting our intelligence.

When people fuck up I'd like to think most of them learn from it and don't repeat; it's not nice to hurt others.

Maybe that's because most normal decent human beings with a conscience find this type of behaviour abhorrent

I'd have said that most normal decent human beings with a conscience would find the type of behaviour - routine kicking of OW - abhorrent. I certainly do.

All other self-destructive life choices - drug, alcohol addiction, addiction to shitty men as long as they're single - are treated with care and compassion here. Not OW.

It's as if some posters lose objectivity and conflate OW with potential OW in their own life and feel justified in attacking them. Or is it just age old misogyny about fallen women dressed up as a self-righteous kicking?

Either way it's really unpleasant.

And here come the pro affair brigade, I mean, it was just one mistake.

Comparing an affair which takes a lot of planning akin to a drug habit or an alcohol habit is pathetic.

Sometimes we fuck up, admitting it and learning from it is all we can do, comforting and supporting someone who has done a wrong is not the way to go; best advice the OP can take is feel the guilt now that she is apparently feeling for that poor wife, learn not to actively go out and hurt another human and raise your standards when it comes to shagging a man.

18 months ago his partner found out, his partner has children (I believe these children aren't his)

Really you're a fool for believing that of course they're his children.

he told me he was only staying for the kids!

Your believe is they are not his children what man will only stay for someone else's children. Either he's a fool or your an even bigger fool.

You knew he had a partner, and was staying for the kids. You wouldn't have changed his mind about that.

You knew everything and still let him go balls deep.

You should feel sorry, I hope you feel bad.

Confusing a call for objectivity and compassion with being 'pro-affairs' is deeply unintelligent.

Affairs take no more 'planning' than addictions - and people can get addicted to other people as much as substances - hence Codependents' Anonymous.

Personally, I would 'raise your standards' when it comes to giving advice.