I was the Other Women and I'm so sorry

[otherwomen]

It's been 18 months since my affair with a unavailable man was discovered. 18 months ago my world fell apart and I'm no longer the person I was.

I'm not proud of what I done in the slightest and if I could turn the clock back I honestly would and I 100% wouldn't of done it.

For 18 months he pursued me, he chased me until I finally caved, he promised me the world, in came charging into my life and told me we would be together, told me what we would do, where we would go, he even got me pregnant (miss carried).... he even told me not to question his integrity when I questioned him on what he was doing!

18 months ago his partner found out, his partner has children (I believe these children aren't his) he told me he was only staying for the kids! She asked me to tell her details, asked how far it had got, where the affair took place. And it wasn't the first time she had spoken to me either as she had found some messages he had sent me 18 months before, before our physical affair had started... and I didn't tell her because the second she found out he told me not to speak to her!

From that moment he also never spoke to me again, he never answered any of my questions he just blanked me and destroyed me.. and I still had to see him everyday at work.

18 months on I'm slowly repairing, lots of long walks, holidays walking the beach in the evenings alone, and spending time alone I'm finally off the anti depressants, I'm no longer crying, I'm starting to wash again and take care of my appearance, and get back on top of housework and finances, I have even had a few dates very half hearted.... I don't think I will ever be ready to let anyone into my life again.

But I am slowly starting to find myself, he literally broke me, I 100% loved that man. I'm even starting to make peace with all the unanswered questions I have. Sure I still think of him everyday but now it's thinking about the things he said, the snippets of time we spent together and now I'm calm.

But you know what the worst thing is? The worst thing is I never once apologised to her or answered her questions and for that I'm truly sorry, I want to tell her I'm sorry, I want to tell her I'm honestly not that girl chasing unavailable men (because I'm not he was the first and last) and I want to tell her how very very sorry I am for ruining her world, her relationship, her family.

I won't do this, it's not fair to upset her life again for a 3rd time, I have no idea if there still together, I made sure I never looked either of them up on social media but I'm sorry i putting her through this pain I honestly never meant to hurt her.

Please realise that the men fed you bullshit from the beginning. Bullshit that he was only staying with her because of her kids. If he'd really wanted you, if he really was in love with you, it would have been easy to finish with her and start a family with you.

The fact is that he wants to stay married but he also wants to have sex with other women. It's as simple as that. Don't make this into this wonderful love affair that would have continued if it wasn't for his wife. That's not true at all. He lied to you and he lied to her. He's a shit and lucky for you it ended. Really don't waste time pining after him or telling yourself that you loved him. What you loved was your version of him, not the real him.

And I think that you should tell his wife. She deserves to know the truth and make her own choices of whether to stay with him or not.

Still some work to do on your writing style OP

Question - regardless of the wrongs I am a bit confused that a break-up 18 months ago has had this reaction. Marriages breaking down are one thing but this seems very melodramatic. Do people normally take this long to recover from a boyfriend dumping them? Or is all the guilt and shame thats bound up in having that relationship? If so you really need to move on.

You cant even say you were surprised that he had a wife and children and a home. Did not a bit of you wonder about how your relationship with him would last - you were with a cheater. That rarely ends well.

A mistake is picking up full fat milk instead of semi skimmed or getting your days mixed up for an appointment.

You made a choice to be with him. Every time you were together (behind her back) it was your choice to do so.

integrity
ɪnˈtɛɡrɪti/
noun
1. 1. 
the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.
:
3. honesty, uprightness, probity, rectitude, honour, honourableness, upstandingness, good character, principle(s), ethics, morals, righteousness, morality, nobility, high-mindedness, right-mindedness, noble-mindedness, virtue, decency, fairness, scrupulousness, sincerity, truthfulness, trustworthiness"I never doubted his integrity"






The whole OP reeks of someone who has hurt someone else and is now trying to find ways to make herself the protagonist of the story. I completely agree with PP who said that should the bloke still be with her, there probably would be no feelings of guilt whatsoever. Just vile, really.

It doesn't matter what he said or did. It takes a special kind of entitlement to be with someone who is already in a relationship. And deny it all you like, but there must have been a point where you thought that your relationship was valid because you felt like you were better/prettier/younger/more suited for him than his existing partner.

And before someone quips up that it's misogynistic for there to be so much vitriol towards the OW, trust me, there's more than enough of that to go around to all parties involved.

I'm not proud of what I done in the slightest and if I could turn the clock back I honestly would and I 100% wouldn't of done it

Because you were binned...... but of course of it had all worked our for you, you would still feel this.... right?

However, you were single so doing nothing wrong

I don't subscribe to this. It's spouted on MN so often, but is bollocks IMO.

Has no one ever been swept off their feet by a persistent, charming man? It's quite hard to avoid your resistance being worn down.

I went out with a guy who I knew was not suitable (he was single, though), but he pursued me for a year in a context where I couldn't avoid him. When the spark is there and one person is very determined, it's hard to hold out. Especially if you are young and don't realise that that behaviour in itself is a red flag. Especially when all the rom coms romanticise that kind of behaviour.

I agree LynetteScavo - if someone's having an affair with someone they know to be in a relationship they are doing something wrong. However, in these situations when it's a woman who's the "other" one it seems the most vitriol is aimed at her rather than the man who's actually cheating.

It's the person with the partner who's betraying someone and choosing to cheat on them.

he pursued me for a year in a context where I couldn't avoid him.

I would find this incredibly disconcerting and it's quite disturbing the behaviour from boys/men we're conditioned to see as perfectly normal in the pursuit of a relationship. As you say, it's been romanticised which is very dangerous.

I'm sure if the man concerned were here talking Lynette he'd get a fair verbal kicking. But he's not. Wonen tend to be more open and discusd these things.

I guess women do expect OW to at least be able to step into the shoes mentally speaking of another woman, who after all, appears to have to the very thing (the man concerned, with kids, house and other trappings) which the OW supposedly also wants. This is bollocks of course. However the sisterhood thing is still puported to exist on some level.

I have contempt for anyone who chooses to prioritise their own sexual & emotional wants when they know that this is entirely at the expense of, and detriment to, others.

The married man made an active choice to be a monumentally selfish cunt.

The OP made an active choice to collude in that.

This is why I have zero sympathy for women (or men) who try to reframe what is a selfish, active choice into something entirely different.

Melodramatic missives & '18 months of healing' only serve to increase my contempt.

Had OP said something like 'I realise now that I behaved despicably & was horribly selfish - I will never ever fall for that sort of bollocks again & I now see that I had unfairly framed the wife in the role he painted her in - for that I am sorry' - my response would not be harsh at all, as that would be owning her own behaviour.

No I didn't mean to hurt her, he made it all sound so simple... he would leave before she found out and we would quietly continue our relationship

But surely you understand OP that this would have hurt her terribly, and the children too? You'd have been able to present yourself as entirely innocent, but it wouldn't have altered the fact that you'd been instrumental in breaking up those children's home, and separating them from their father. I think if you're serious about growing as a result of this, you need to consider why you would've been happy to found your happiness on the suffering of innocent children.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. God knows I don't condemn you, having been the OW myself in the past. But there's a lot of tough love on this thread that you could profit from. Good luck.

18 months on and op starts a thread on the internet in order to keep the dialogue going. Probably exhausted your friends with it all, need a new audience?
I doubt very much if you'd have wasted 2 weeks worrying about the wife & dc if he'd have left her for you.
You completely sum up the mentality of an ow - completely and totally wrapped up in yourself.

is there really any need for the level of aggression shown to op? she made a mistake, he was the one in a relationship after all, he was the one who made promises. I fail to see how attacking op now will help. she is in pain, that is clear so could I ask you all to lay off - no need.

I think this is a bit of creative writing designed to froth. With knotty little morsels of grammatical mistake to add to the fun.

I wonder just how many of those giving the OP a hard time have done exactly the same? There will be some. Believe me.

OP, don't be too hard on yourself. You made a mistake; you did something wrong. Don't we all, one way or another? Let she who is without sin (and all that).

I'm pleased to hear that you're starting to feel positive again and I hope life treats you well. Take care of you.

S x

I agree, Stevie69 she cant undo what has happened, neither did she have to come on this site and say what she did. I think she came on here expecting a mental and emotional kicking and she got one - sometimes people just need to tell their story to try to move on.

i dont believe for one second that some of the posters on here havent been the "ow" themselves at some stage. My dad left my mum for his ow - did I blame her - No - nor did my mum. She was a foolish young girl who ended up really badly hurt from it. He is the one who lied and cheated after all, not her.

Shocked at some of the replies on here.

Yes OP what you did was shitty. And no doubt if you'd been sleeping with my partner I'd most likely wish to push you under a bus - but you know what you did was wrong. I don't see the need for the harsh replies here. Not EVERY 'other woman' comes away rubbing her hands with glee after shagging a married/taken man.

It may have been morally wrong but technically you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't cheat. He did. And although this may come across the wrong way, if it wasn't you he probably would've cheated with someone else. Guys like this cheat because they can - it has very little with feelings. Only the feeling in their pants

He was the one who betrayed her. He was the one who cheated. He was the one in the wrong. I think your guilt is punishment enough. I don't see any need to sit here calling you whatever I can think of

I'm glad you're getting on with life and sorting yourself out OP. Don't let that part of your life define you as a person

Yes I did 100% expect to get a total roasting

This certainly isn't a creative writing piece, Jesus I didn't even get a grade in gcse English

And no I don't feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for what I did to her!

All those saying I had I choice your right I did! But all I can put that bad choice down to was being in a bad place at the time and I make the wrong decision

He did pursue me for over 18 months and that didn't even waiver when I was actually pregnant (I was single) he still chased me everyday, came into my work place constantly, telling me how bad things were at home how they were arguing and talking of splitting up.... he even had me help him look for a place to live.

The actual physical affair started when my baby was 6 months old, I finally caved and fell for everything he said, all my doubts about what he was saying went and I truly believed him... he was turning up at my house unannounced with his dogs at 11pm at night telling me they were splitting and then staying for days/nights at a time.

And yes he broke me! And he broke her to!

So fucken what if he pursued you, do you not have free will?

Unavailable, nah, living with someone or married, you knew that.

Blaming him still, you choose to go with him OP, nobody made you; unless he has hypnotic powers and forced you to shag him?

Zero sympathy here; now you are sorry, only because HE chose to stay with her and not you, if he had chosen you, you'd not be given a shit about her.

In fact, you've came on here saying now you are sorry, you only came on here hoping someone would say there, there, you made a mistake, it's not a mistake, it's cold, calculating, heartless and ultimately selfish.

I hope you've learned from it and you Allowed him to break you, sure you'll get over it.

Talk about shifting the blame god's sake.

You still sound like a teenager who has a lot of growing up to do.

Everyone fucks up sometimes. Everyone. OP, you fucked up, you fucked yourself up as well as co-shitting all over someone else's family. But life goes on and either you get through it, let it go and begin again or you spend your life re-living it and resenting how life's ended up. It's time to give up rehashing the past and file it away under the "dick moves I made" folder in your brain. You don't have to wear a badge that says "OW approaching", nobody in your future need know unless you want them to.

DS1's Dad cheated on me when I was pregnant, and for a while afterwards. His OW didn't hurt me. His OW didn't shit all over my life. He did that when he popped his knob in her. The OW was just a stupid co-star in his one-man-shitshow. That's all you were, op, a co-star in his Eastenders-style storyline. Let it go.

All this "he chose her", "what he chose" talk. As if the man who actually had the affair and cheated on his partner can sit back and have his choice of women; the implication being the one he deigns to "choose" has cause for celebration and the other is bitter.