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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I was the Other Women and I'm so sorry

171 replies

otherwomen · 01/06/2017 21:48

It's been 18 months since my affair with a unavailable man was discovered. 18 months ago my world fell apart and I'm no longer the person I was.

I'm not proud of what I done in the slightest and if I could turn the clock back I honestly would and I 100% wouldn't of done it.

For 18 months he pursued me, he chased me until I finally caved, he promised me the world, in came charging into my life and told me we would be together, told me what we would do, where we would go, he even got me pregnant (miss carried).... he even told me not to question his integrity when I questioned him on what he was doing!

18 months ago his partner found out, his partner has children (I believe these children aren't his) he told me he was only staying for the kids! She asked me to tell her details, asked how far it had got, where the affair took place. And it wasn't the first time she had spoken to me either as she had found some messages he had sent me 18 months before, before our physical affair had started... and I didn't tell her because the second she found out he told me not to speak to her!

From that moment he also never spoke to me again, he never answered any of my questions he just blanked me and destroyed me.. and I still had to see him everyday at work.

18 months on I'm slowly repairing, lots of long walks, holidays walking the beach in the evenings alone, and spending time alone I'm finally off the anti depressants, I'm no longer crying, I'm starting to wash again and take care of my appearance, and get back on top of housework and finances, I have even had a few dates very half hearted.... I don't think I will ever be ready to let anyone into my life again.

But I am slowly starting to find myself, he literally broke me, I 100% loved that man. I'm even starting to make peace with all the unanswered questions I have. Sure I still think of him everyday but now it's thinking about the things he said, the snippets of time we spent together and now I'm calm.

But you know what the worst thing is? The worst thing is I never once apologised to her or answered her questions and for that I'm truly sorry, I want to tell her I'm sorry, I want to tell her I'm honestly not that girl chasing unavailable men (because I'm not he was the first and last) and I want to tell her how very very sorry I am for ruining her world, her relationship, her family.

I won't do this, it's not fair to upset her life again for a 3rd time, I have no idea if there still together, I made sure I never looked either of them up on social media but I'm sorry i putting her through this pain I honestly never meant to hurt her.

OP posts:
Charmageddon · 01/06/2017 23:13

And in all of it the pain I caused her is what bothers me the most.

Perhaps you & she would have been much better off if you had thought about that in the first place?

Stop feeling sorry for yourself & move on.
Your boyfriend finished with you, that's the long & short of it - yet you're still wallowing 18 months on.

SandyY2K · 01/06/2017 23:13

And actually many BWs still want the truth about the affair.

I would want to know, whether it was worth staying with this liar and I bet you, he's told her a very different version of events.

The usual lines would be :

You were desperate
You chased him
He felt sorry for you.
You meant nothing
It was just sex
He never loved you

..... And the rest.

Unfortunately, you felt a sense of loyalty and didn't tell her the truth at the time.

You'll heal better by finding a new focus and realising that there are good men... But by choosing an unavailable man, you've already written the ending.

Don't let him ruin your ability to find a better relationship. Why would you give that to him?

If his partner is happy to take him back, that's her choice. Even though you didn't speak to her, she knew it was an affair.

I feel you have genuinely realised the poor choice you made. Many here are terribly harsh. Don't let that bother you. I feel the regret from your posts.

Take care and feel free to PM me if you want any support.

Ravenblack · 01/06/2017 23:15

Agree with rhino rocks (last post page 1.) This sounds like a creative writing piece.

And not a very good one at that.

RubyBluesey · 02/06/2017 00:29

sounds like the married man chose her

give her a break MN harridans

jemsywemsy · 02/06/2017 00:42

You made a big mistake and hopefully you won't do it again. His wife quite probably doesn't give a shit about whether you're sorry or whether you normally do this. Her concern is about her relationship. But you need to accept that YOU made this choice, he didn't do this to you, there were two of you in the relationship and while he sounds like a thorough shit he didn't trick you into anything - deep down you never really believed the old "only there for the kids" line, surely nobody really does. No point punishing yourself though, once you've faced up to it and took responsibility. You need to move on, let this go and do better in future. Good luck to you.

pleaseromainecalm · 02/06/2017 00:47

I love this.

He's 'unavailable'. Like you tried to reach him on the phone and couldn't get through. Or perhaps was a toilet, occupied.

Tell it like it is. He was with someone. In a relationship.

McTufty · 02/06/2017 00:55

Wow people are harsh.

Yes OP you did something shitty, and clearly you've paid the price for it. I'm sorry for your miscarriage and I'm pleased you are starting to feel better.

RhythmAndStealth · 02/06/2017 01:15

Well, that is part of the reason so many people advise against affairs with married people.

That it will hurt not only the OW/OM but also the wife/husband & kids.

I'm not really sure seeing why it took actually having an affair to grasp that. Oh well.

C3H8O · 02/06/2017 01:15

Cry me a river. Biscuit

LellyMcKelly · 02/06/2017 01:41

Are you a Maily Dale journo?

GriefLeavesItsMark · 02/06/2017 02:16

Op, are you trying out a plot for a novel? One with a self absorbed, whining protagonist.

mrholmes · 02/06/2017 02:18

I've only read the fact that you were the other women.

We never think we'll be the other person ever but sometimes we just end up there and the other man too.

Arealhumanbeing · 02/06/2017 03:47

When it come down to it you lost, he choose his wife not his bit on the side.

You lost nothing. It was never a competition. There are no winners or losers. It was what it was. It is what it is now.

Look after yourself, keep taking your walks on the beach (lucky!) and try to ignore the unpleasant language on your thread.

LostSight · 02/06/2017 06:09

I think you feel guilty and are feeling this pain at least in part because you know on some level that your self respect was not strong enough.

When I was younger, I might have fallen for his strategy. I was so desperate to be loved that I might have agreed to be someone's second best.

Now, I would never do it. I would never allow anyone to treat me that way. And so, I could never be where you are now.

If that is part of what you are feeling, then all you can do is try to forgive yourself and then learn from it. Don't ever put yourself there again. Don't let your regret ruin your future. Do allow it to shape what you do with that future.

Good luck.

HappyJanuary · 02/06/2017 06:42

Throughout you relationship she was walking through her life in a state of confusion, knowing that the temperature of her marriage had changed but not knowing why.

Every time he was with you, he was cheating his kids out of time with their dad.

You didn't care about any of that. You longed for him to choose you and leave his family, devastating them all.

If he had chosen you upon discovery, you would have been jubilant.

Even though he chose her, the last 18 months have been hell for her and will continue to be for a long time yet.

That is why it is hard to feel sympathy.

MrsPeelyWaly · 02/06/2017 06:49

OP, your opening post is a lot of dramatic nonsense. You need to get over yourself?

Do you write for a living?

MrsPeelyWaly · 02/06/2017 06:50

Are you writing a novel? Or studying journalism or creative writing?

I just saw your post and its spot on!

AnUtterIdiot · 02/06/2017 07:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LedaP · 02/06/2017 07:27

Op you deserve to be happy and no one is perfect. Your ex was a dick.

However your post is ridiculous. You are painting yourself as his victim. You arent. He didnt wear you down. You always coukd have said no. You didnt have to believe all the cliches he peddled. When his dp contact you, before the affair, you coukd have backed off.

Your post is very self indulgent. It was a short relationship and yet you are so damaged you dont think you will be with anyone again, he wore you down etc.

You chose this. Both you and your ex will be spinning the same lines. Which makes me think its more about excusing yourself rather tgan taking responsibility.

feelingoldandtired · 02/06/2017 08:02

Hes have left you for someone else why do people think they can start a relationship with someone who can't be trusted and that it will work! How could you really trust someone like that ! You might be a really nice person but if you'd destroyed my marriage I'd have ripped you apart !

LynetteScavo · 02/06/2017 08:16

The thread title says you're sorry.

You're sorry for yourself. Because you were the loser. If he'd left his partner you wouldn't be feeling the least bit sorry.

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 02/06/2017 08:26

Absolutely no sympathy. People like you destroyed mine and my children's lives.

FritzDonovan · 02/06/2017 08:27

I'm not perfect like 99% of Mumsnet

Nah, but you are sarcastic ^ (which makes me doubt your 'remorse'), self-pitying, and remarkably selfish. Grin

TheNaze73 · 02/06/2017 08:31

I think you're being a bit melodramatic.

However, you were single so doing nothing wrong, he however was attached, so shame on him.

user1490465531 · 02/06/2017 08:34

to be fair if he hadn't ditched you I'm sure you would still be with him.
Then you wouldn't be so remorseful just defending yourself as the other woman.
All women know what they are doing when they get with a married man they just don't give a shit because it's all about what they want.
You get zero sympathy from me.