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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I was the Other Women and I'm so sorry

171 replies

otherwomen · 01/06/2017 21:48

It's been 18 months since my affair with a unavailable man was discovered. 18 months ago my world fell apart and I'm no longer the person I was.

I'm not proud of what I done in the slightest and if I could turn the clock back I honestly would and I 100% wouldn't of done it.

For 18 months he pursued me, he chased me until I finally caved, he promised me the world, in came charging into my life and told me we would be together, told me what we would do, where we would go, he even got me pregnant (miss carried).... he even told me not to question his integrity when I questioned him on what he was doing!

18 months ago his partner found out, his partner has children (I believe these children aren't his) he told me he was only staying for the kids! She asked me to tell her details, asked how far it had got, where the affair took place. And it wasn't the first time she had spoken to me either as she had found some messages he had sent me 18 months before, before our physical affair had started... and I didn't tell her because the second she found out he told me not to speak to her!

From that moment he also never spoke to me again, he never answered any of my questions he just blanked me and destroyed me.. and I still had to see him everyday at work.

18 months on I'm slowly repairing, lots of long walks, holidays walking the beach in the evenings alone, and spending time alone I'm finally off the anti depressants, I'm no longer crying, I'm starting to wash again and take care of my appearance, and get back on top of housework and finances, I have even had a few dates very half hearted.... I don't think I will ever be ready to let anyone into my life again.

But I am slowly starting to find myself, he literally broke me, I 100% loved that man. I'm even starting to make peace with all the unanswered questions I have. Sure I still think of him everyday but now it's thinking about the things he said, the snippets of time we spent together and now I'm calm.

But you know what the worst thing is? The worst thing is I never once apologised to her or answered her questions and for that I'm truly sorry, I want to tell her I'm sorry, I want to tell her I'm honestly not that girl chasing unavailable men (because I'm not he was the first and last) and I want to tell her how very very sorry I am for ruining her world, her relationship, her family.

I won't do this, it's not fair to upset her life again for a 3rd time, I have no idea if there still together, I made sure I never looked either of them up on social media but I'm sorry i putting her through this pain I honestly never meant to hurt her.

OP posts:
HildaOg · 01/06/2017 22:32

If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else. You're irrelevant to their life. Why on earth would you waste 18 months crying over him. Stop. Move on.

Ellisandra · 01/06/2017 22:33

Oh the guilt.

And yet, had he gone ahead and left her, why do I think you wouldn't have been bothered about her at all, and never needed long walks on the beach or anti depressants?

It's all a rather selfish drama.

femfemlicious · 01/06/2017 22:35

Op please don't let the poster's that are being horrible get to you. NOBODY IS PERFECT. You made a mistake and you have realised how wrong you are (I hope) and will never consider going near a married man again. You didn't kill anyone. Please forgive yourself.

And this is coming from a(n abandoned) married woman whose father cheated on her mum and had a child outside of the marriage. I saw how my mum wasn't able to let go of the hurt and move on with her life and be happy, even when their marriage was over. now 30 years later she can't be happy. Why would you put so much of your happiness on 1 person... they are only human and most likely going to let you down. As far as I am concerned cheating isn't the worst thing that can happen.

Poster....chin up....keep calm and carry on. Go and since no more!

MiddleClassProblem · 01/06/2017 22:36

18 months ago she found out, he pursued you for 18 months, any chance you were together for 18 months too?

user1489675144 · 01/06/2017 22:37

Boo hoo - you CHOSE to have an affair with a person who was unavailable - you were found out - now you are upset you were found out.

Apologise to his partner and then move on promising yourself you will never be such a mean, thoughtless bitch again. The hope no-one ever does the same thing to you (Karma some will call it if it happens).

Original poster
otherwomen · 01/06/2017 22:39

I have never tried to contact him in anyway nor do I hope he will contact me!

If I bumped into him I would ignore, he can't answer any of my questions, he is not the person I believed he was, he is just a liar who will say what he things I would need/want to hear.

I no longer want to be with him, I'm no longer angry with him

OP posts:
NoLoveofMine · 01/06/2017 22:41

"he would leave her" Funny how all ow say he said that isn't it.

Or more how the men having affairs say this to the "other woman" to keep stringing them along to enable them to continue cheating on their partner.

MsWanaBanana · 01/06/2017 22:42

We all make mistakes. At least you've realised you did a bad thing and you won't do it again. There's not much more you can do. Move on with you life, don't worry about them and answers. They'll never be enough answers you can give that will ever make what you did ok and she won't ever forgive you. Just get on with your life and forgive yourself. It's done now

PedaloBar · 01/06/2017 22:42

Two of my ExH's former OW had a charming ding-dong at a work do a few years ago, apparently. He's now cheating on work-based-OW number 3 with work-based-OW number 4.

Number 4 must know his form. But she chooses to continue. And drag her young child into it.

OW is a conscious choice.

That's not to say you don't deserve therapy.

isseywithcats · 01/06/2017 22:44

i can see both sides of this inadvertantly i became the other woman, long story short LDR didnt know he and partner were together, we ended up together then married and 8 years later he cheated on me so i got the total devestation of being the wronged wife , so yes you knew he was married, you arent perfect but believe me he wont even probably be thinking about you for one second, heal yourself, shrug your shoulders and get on with your life

NoLoveofMine · 01/06/2017 22:45

There always seems to be a lot more vitriol towards a woman in this situation than the man who's actually cheating on his partner.

"Bitch" is also rather a misogynistic term.

Schleeping · 01/06/2017 22:46

OP you need to forgive yourself - he broke vows and you didn't. You fell in love. Life isn't black and white. Flowers

neonrainbow · 01/06/2017 22:47

So you made a mistake. To whoever up thread said "op lost, the wife won" - yeah, what a great prize, some scumbag man who can never ever be trusted who is happy to shag around behind his wife's back. He will do it again, once a cheat always a cheat. His wife is the one who has lost if she's still with him.

Original poster
otherwomen · 01/06/2017 22:48

Clarify they are not married, believe in 4/5 year relationship!

OP posts:
user1491401693 · 01/06/2017 22:51

Not sure what you want to achieve from posting here. But trust me, ow get their arse handed to them on a plate.

SallyAmorim · 01/06/2017 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fanciedachange17 · 01/06/2017 22:52

I couldn't get past all the "18 months" bits.

NoLoveofMine · 01/06/2017 22:54

You need to hire a proof-reader Sally.

needsahalo · 01/06/2017 22:56

he promised me the world, in came charging into my life and told me we would be together, told me what we would do, where we would go, he even got me pregnant (miss carried).... he even told me not to question his integrity when I questioned him on what he was doing!

So you couldn't stop him and his charging? You couldn't have refused to have anything to do with him outside of work? He got you pregnant? You had no say in that - rape? No consent? You used no contraception? He had no integrity - you could judge this for yourself so...?

Until you take some responsibility for your own actions, you will never move forwards. . You have a huge amount of soul-searching yo be doing. Find your own integrity, perhaps? At the moment you feel sorry for yourself and expect the rest of us to make it better. You need to work that one out for yourself.

Persemillion · 01/06/2017 22:57

NoLoveofMine

There always seems to be a lot more vitriol towards a woman in this situation than the man who's actually cheating on his partner.

Projection.

Schleeping · 01/06/2017 22:57

OP there are a load of people on here who won't even attempt to see your POV, maybe they've been cheated on in the past or are insecure about their husband's and blame women for "stealing them away".

Either way you feel a disproportionate amount of guilt over this. Your ex destroyed his partner (if she is destroyed) not you.

Fanciedachange17 · 01/06/2017 22:58

OP you were a fool now leave that poor woman alone. She doesn't need or want your apologies or dripping as let's be truthful here - you are only trying to make yourself feel better at the expense of someone else's happiness. Nasty business is cheating on a DP. LTB every time I say.

SandyY2K · 01/06/2017 23:04

Learn to forgive yourself and make better choices in the future. You sound remorseful. You've learned the pain affairs can cause.

Make sure any man you date, is out of his current relationship before starting a relationship with you.

When an attached man pursues you, he's showing you that he sees you as weak enough to fall for it. He's seeing a vulnerability in you and capitalising on it.

You need to ask why. Why did he pursue you relentlessly?

What signs of availability to you give him?

Because I imagine that if you said you "I don't date men who are in a relationship", he would have stopped.

Somewhere along the way, you must have shown interest for him to keep trying.

needsahalo · 01/06/2017 23:07

OP there are a load of people on here who won't even attempt to see your POV, maybe they've been cheated on in the past or are insecure about their husband's and blame women for "stealing them away"

Not sure it matters, does it? Personally, I can't abide the OW get out - you owe her nothing, it is him that was cheating. People need to take responsibility for their actions and the impact these actions have on others and their lives. Far too many people see the OW as some kind of unsuspecting victim who didn't deserve to have a boyfriend who was also sleeping with his wife. Awives are discussed as bitches, out of order, how dare they be upset with the OW.

The OP made some poor choices. She would gain huge self respect if she owned that.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/06/2017 23:09

So, you are carrying a huge load of guilt along with the usual breakup emotional mess. I'm sorry, but I don't really have a lot of sympathy for you. In my single years I was pursued by a married man with flowers, cards, invitations for romantic weekends, & flattery and I managed to 'resist' him. I never even met him for a drink. Not once.

Why don't you try expiating some of that guilt by volunteering at a women's shelter? Use your guilt for good. You may not be able to 'help' his wife but I'm sure you could be a great help to other women in need.

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