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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I was the Other Women and I'm so sorry

171 replies

otherwomen · 01/06/2017 21:48

It's been 18 months since my affair with a unavailable man was discovered. 18 months ago my world fell apart and I'm no longer the person I was.

I'm not proud of what I done in the slightest and if I could turn the clock back I honestly would and I 100% wouldn't of done it.

For 18 months he pursued me, he chased me until I finally caved, he promised me the world, in came charging into my life and told me we would be together, told me what we would do, where we would go, he even got me pregnant (miss carried).... he even told me not to question his integrity when I questioned him on what he was doing!

18 months ago his partner found out, his partner has children (I believe these children aren't his) he told me he was only staying for the kids! She asked me to tell her details, asked how far it had got, where the affair took place. And it wasn't the first time she had spoken to me either as she had found some messages he had sent me 18 months before, before our physical affair had started... and I didn't tell her because the second she found out he told me not to speak to her!

From that moment he also never spoke to me again, he never answered any of my questions he just blanked me and destroyed me.. and I still had to see him everyday at work.

18 months on I'm slowly repairing, lots of long walks, holidays walking the beach in the evenings alone, and spending time alone I'm finally off the anti depressants, I'm no longer crying, I'm starting to wash again and take care of my appearance, and get back on top of housework and finances, I have even had a few dates very half hearted.... I don't think I will ever be ready to let anyone into my life again.

But I am slowly starting to find myself, he literally broke me, I 100% loved that man. I'm even starting to make peace with all the unanswered questions I have. Sure I still think of him everyday but now it's thinking about the things he said, the snippets of time we spent together and now I'm calm.

But you know what the worst thing is? The worst thing is I never once apologised to her or answered her questions and for that I'm truly sorry, I want to tell her I'm sorry, I want to tell her I'm honestly not that girl chasing unavailable men (because I'm not he was the first and last) and I want to tell her how very very sorry I am for ruining her world, her relationship, her family.

I won't do this, it's not fair to upset her life again for a 3rd time, I have no idea if there still together, I made sure I never looked either of them up on social media but I'm sorry i putting her through this pain I honestly never meant to hurt her.

OP posts:
HorridHenryrule · 02/06/2017 18:08

The actual physical affair started when my baby was 6 months old, I finally caved and fell for everything he said, all my doubts about what he was saying went and I truly believed him... he was turning up at my house unannounced with his dogs at 11pm at night telling me they were splitting and then staying for days/nights at a time.

If Jeremy Kyle can find them then so can MN. Don't worry Jeremy Kyle will help you all you have to do is call his studio and he will fit you in.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/06/2017 18:10

Doesn't need a studio, his audience is right here. Hmm

HorridHenryrule · 02/06/2017 18:23

The truth hurts if this is true she needs to get a grip of herself. She takes herself to seriously she needs to woman up and move on. We all make mistakes know one is perfect don't be stupid again.

What she got herself into was crazy. I have 4 children when my babies were 6 months I weren't recovered and up for romance. She should put her child first before herself and any man.

Original poster
otherwomen · 02/06/2017 18:54

Allthebestnamesareused yes I was pregnant by someone else! I met him about 6 months before I fell pregnant I didn't have any physical relationship with him until my baby was born and 6 months old, I then got pregnant by him

OP posts:
Original poster
otherwomen · 02/06/2017 18:58

Horrid Henry rules yes I believe they are not his children for the fact they had been in a relationship for 4 years and the children are older than that!

OP posts:
SparklingRaspberry · 02/06/2017 19:01

OP you haven't murdered anybody. The way some of these posters are talking you'd think you had!

not sure if they'd forgotten but the OP is NOT responsible for him cheating on his partner!!! Rather than say "what you did was disgusting" how about you change it to "what HE did was disgusting". It doesn't matter how many women throw themselves at a married/taken man (not saying you did this OP), he can say no!

He CHOSE to chase the op, he chose to lie to her. He chose to lie to his wife. He chose to put his penis in somebody else. He chose to be an arsehole. The woman is not responsible for that at all.

Charmageddon · 02/06/2017 19:44

He CHOSE to chase the op, he chose to lie to her. He chose to lie to his wife. He chose to put his penis in somebody else. He chose to be an arsehole. The woman is not responsible for that at all.

Whilst I agree with most of that, at some point one must take their own share of responsibility too - specifically she chose to allow him to put his penis inside her.
Unless he did it without her consent, they are equally responsible for that.
Women are autonomous individuals.

Fanciedachange17 · 02/06/2017 22:53

Op; you "fell pregnant" by somebody else although you were single, you have a baby then get pregnant by a married man when your baby is only 6 months old? He "pursued you" until you gave in, fell over and your pants fell down. Not your fault at all, oh no deary me no.
He is a cheating liar and you are an easy lay. Grow up and grow some morals.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/06/2017 22:55

He CHOSE to chase the op, he chose to lie to her. He chose to lie to his wife. He chose to put his penis in somebody else. He chose to be an arsehole. The woman is not responsible for that at all.

You are dead wrong. As a society we live under certain social contracts. One of them is respecting other people's relationships. The other is that we try very hard not to inflict pain on our fellow human beings. The social contract here is that a married person is off limits. Whether or not he or she is a 'chaser' has nothing to do with it. And it's not a victimless 'crime'. It causes great pain to innocent people and to children.

RebornSlippy · 02/06/2017 22:58

And the prize goes to fanciedachange for the most judgemental post I've read all week. Just wow. Take a bow.

Fanciedachange17 · 02/06/2017 23:02

Why thank you. >bows>

Alfiemoon1 · 02/06/2017 23:18

havent read all the responses sorry he was married u weren't if he wasn't cheating on his wife with u it would of been with someone else. However personally if I knew a bloke was married or had kids I think I would of walked away from the drama. I can't make out from your original post if u are generally upset at losing someone u loved who strung u along or if u feel guilty for messing with someone in a relationship either way u need to move on

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/06/2017 23:56

I don't agree that any person is 'off limits', married or otherwise. The only thing that makes anybody unavailable is if they themselves elect that they are unavailable. Obviously, if a person is supposed to be in a relationship they would put themselves in that bracket but if they CHOOSE not to then that is their choice.

However much we might want to believe it, we can't and don't own other people and we don't actually have 'dibs'... not unless that person CHOOSES to make themselves exclusive to us. A marriage contract really doesn't enforce that, only the two people involved - BOTH of them - can make their relationship impregnable to outside forces. Clearly, lots of marriages out there are just held together because ONE of the two want and expect it to be so. Sad but true.

A marriage/relationship is not and cannot be a talisman to ward off OW (OM) and I think if we stopped holding people other than our own partners responsible, it might stop the fear.

jeaux90 · 03/06/2017 00:31

Lying. Your post is so true. Wise words.

HappyJanuary · 03/06/2017 07:22

Of course the person most culpable is the cheating spouse.

But there is just something so deeply unpleasant about engaging in a relationship with a married person, particularly when children are involved.

You know your relationship is further damaging the marriage, you know that on discovery it will devastate a lot of innocent people and you know you are in an unfair competition with a spouse who doesn't even know they're in a competition - just sort of hiding in the wings, pretending to believe his lies with your fingers crossed, pick me, devastate her, devastate your children but just please pick me.

Arguably not as wrong as the cheating spouse, although you are of course condoning and rewarding their lying and cheating, but still morally bankrupt, selfish and cruel decisions and behaviour.

That is why I have no sympathy when they come on here all sad because he didn't choose the way he was supposed to and now the ow is hurting instead of his wife and kids.

crazyhead · 03/06/2017 08:27

I had a relationship with a married man many years ago. I was young and my defences were low because I was in a shitty situation of my own, but it was a terrible thing to get involved in and I felt bad for a long time.

Mumsnet isn't where I'd come for advice on an affair. There are all sorts of crap things you can do as a person and I know few people in real life who have not made any mistakes and wouldn't draw on them to advise others, whereas I find the tone of some posts on mumsnet as though from people who have never disappointed themselves, or done anything they see as wrong. This may be quite true - but won't be helpful to you.

In your shoes, I'd now be thinking about how to recover your sense of personal responsibility from this. All you can actually do at this point is to work out what factors in you or your situation got you involved in this mess (I had counselling) fix them so it could never happen again, and move on. Your affair partner and his partner are irrelevant- stay away and allow them to work on their own paths

FritzDonovan · 03/06/2017 08:57

happy, I'm with you on that.

Fanciedachange17 · 03/06/2017 09:10

Perfect post Happy

LittleBooInABox · 03/06/2017 09:38

I'm sorry you went through that OP people here can be quick to judge and seem to think that all affairs start will malice. You didn't promise to be faithful to the women, he did. Flowers

Forgive yourself, and move on. Things happen sometimes. We all do things we are not proud of.

NoLoveofMine · 03/06/2017 10:16

and now the ow is hurting instead of his wife and kids

Whilst I agreed with the majority of your post I didn't with this. Thanks mainly to the one who cheated I'm sure his partner and children are hurting. He may have "picked" them (I really can't abide this way of putting things as I've said, it implies the man can sit back, enjoy his affair/s and decide which he likes best before honouring the with "choosing" them) but he cheated. Even if she stays with him it doesn't mean she's not hurt.

Adora10 · 07/06/2017 12:53

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Adora10 · 07/06/2017 12:55

You didn't promise to be faithful to the women, he did. flowers

Absolutely, but the OP knowing had sex with a man that had a wife and kids, nothing complicated about that, she still went ahead so I am sorry there must have been some malice there or she'd not have entertained him in the first place.

Some of us on here will excuse affairs, some won't, both are entitled to their stance.

SparklingRaspberry · 07/06/2017 13:25

You are dead wrong. As a society we live under certain social contracts. One of them is respecting other people's relationships. The other is that we try very hard not to inflict pain on our fellow human beings. The social contract here is that a married person is off limits. Whether or not he or she is a 'chaser' has nothing to do with it. And it's not a victimless 'crime'. It causes great pain to innocent people and to children

Really? You believe that's how the world works? Nobody owes you anything!
No woman on this earth owes me anything. It's not up to any other person to protect me from emotional pain. It's not up to anybody else to prevent my partner from cheating on me. The only person responsible for that is, wait for it...... him!! The world is not black and white, if someone wants to cheat they will. The only person responsible for the pain caused from the cheating is the one who's cheating! If a woman is on a night out looking for a one night stand, and my partner was giving her signs of being up for it, only he is the one in the wrong! He's the person in a relationship, he's the one who's promised to be loyal to me.

You're right though it does cause pain to the children but if a man is cheating on his wife, then again it's the man who's responsible for hurting his children and wife! Not the other woman!

RainyApril · 07/06/2017 13:45

Nobody owes you anything!

What a sad indictment of society. Thank goodness there are people left who move about the world with kindness, unwilling to cause unnecessary pain or to take any part in it.

Orlandointhewilderness · 07/06/2017 13:50

My Ex-Husband had an affair. Know how long it took me to get past that? Nearly a decade. Know how long it has taken for me to 100% trust a man again? I can't. I'm lucky that I found someone I have a wonderful relationship with but what I was will never be repaired thanks to him and the other woman.

18 months!?! Get over yourself. You and him caused this. Deal with it and be bloody thankful you weren't his wife.

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