I was the Other Women and I'm so sorry

[otherwomen]

It's been 18 months since my affair with a unavailable man was discovered. 18 months ago my world fell apart and I'm no longer the person I was.

I'm not proud of what I done in the slightest and if I could turn the clock back I honestly would and I 100% wouldn't of done it.

For 18 months he pursued me, he chased me until I finally caved, he promised me the world, in came charging into my life and told me we would be together, told me what we would do, where we would go, he even got me pregnant (miss carried).... he even told me not to question his integrity when I questioned him on what he was doing!

18 months ago his partner found out, his partner has children (I believe these children aren't his) he told me he was only staying for the kids! She asked me to tell her details, asked how far it had got, where the affair took place. And it wasn't the first time she had spoken to me either as she had found some messages he had sent me 18 months before, before our physical affair had started... and I didn't tell her because the second she found out he told me not to speak to her!

From that moment he also never spoke to me again, he never answered any of my questions he just blanked me and destroyed me.. and I still had to see him everyday at work.

18 months on I'm slowly repairing, lots of long walks, holidays walking the beach in the evenings alone, and spending time alone I'm finally off the anti depressants, I'm no longer crying, I'm starting to wash again and take care of my appearance, and get back on top of housework and finances, I have even had a few dates very half hearted.... I don't think I will ever be ready to let anyone into my life again.

But I am slowly starting to find myself, he literally broke me, I 100% loved that man. I'm even starting to make peace with all the unanswered questions I have. Sure I still think of him everyday but now it's thinking about the things he said, the snippets of time we spent together and now I'm calm.

But you know what the worst thing is? The worst thing is I never once apologised to her or answered her questions and for that I'm truly sorry, I want to tell her I'm sorry, I want to tell her I'm honestly not that girl chasing unavailable men (because I'm not he was the first and last) and I want to tell her how very very sorry I am for ruining her world, her relationship, her family.

I won't do this, it's not fair to upset her life again for a 3rd time, I have no idea if there still together, I made sure I never looked either of them up on social media but I'm sorry i putting her through this pain I honestly never meant to hurt her.

Thinking she'd want to ask you questions makes you sound like you think you're something special. Like you're in her radar, important to her etc. You're not. Great that you've learnt you shouldn't shag attached men but really words fail me now.

I think you haven't suffered half as much as you deserved to.

And what's this bollox you've told yourself about not being the girl that gets involved with married men.

Women like you are the worst kind.

*Nobody owes you anything!

What a sad indictment of society. Thank goodness there are people left who move about the world with kindness, unwilling to cause unnecessary pain or to take any part in it.*

My thoughts too, in fact I've read a few replies on MN that have really saddened me as it's all about take what you can for yourself and fuck anyone else or fuck your family, don't look after your elderly mother if she is a pain, blah, blah........

I get attacked on here a lot because I don't tolerate shit from anyone, try to tell women they are worth more than what a crappy man can offer them and I am against affairs and will never sympathise.

Apparently this makes me a person that just loves to relish in it.....this is absolute bollocks, I am just a person who has a conscience and no matter how anyone tries to bring me down, I love myself enough to not let what others think bother me.

I am truly amazed that you still have some feelings towards him (you do you know you have them otherwise you wouldn't be feeling the way you do)
He treated you like an idiot, don't you actively dislike him for that?
You were well and truly made a fool of, don't you feel embarrassed?

Stop romanticising the situation and wallowing in emotional claptrap just move on and put the whole affair in the "things I feel ashamed of box".
You are a grown up you could have just said "No, you are not single" to him.
Many of us have been out with/got involved with someone who we believed to be single who was actually "attached" and then had to disentangle ourselves from the relationship.
This was not the case here you knew the status quo.

Just get over it and stop behaving like this is a romantic tragedy, it isn't, it was a tragedy however for his wife and DC's.

I don't know personally OP you are probably a very nice person and have made a stupid mistake that has had affected others.
Its been 18 months, accept the reality of the situation grow up and move on.

If it helps OP....i contacted OW ( ..yes I know) as soon as I found out..to tell her what I knew he hadn't..I suspected he had given her the whole..my wife doesn't understand me ..we never have sex ...etc. She dropped him like a ton of bricks..for which I think was to get credit. I have no issues or interest in her now...yes I wanted details ..the whys and wherefore..but quickly realised the fault was mainly him...now that's a whole other story. So what I'm saying is yes you were incredibly wrong in what you did..and you are paying the price..move on...believe me she will have.

Funny how people are only sorry after they've been caught.

Adora10, I'm here as often as I want to be, thanks. It's posters like you that exhibit spite to any woman who you think doesn't meet your questionable standards of moral conduct. OP hasn't posted anything that would indicate that she is anything other than sorry for her part in the affair but still you want to eviscerate her. Nobody, including myself, has ever said that affairs are a 'good thing' but still you carry on. That says a lot about you and your character. You're just like a flea seeking blood, post after monotonous post and it's very obvious.

You're one of very few posters that I actively dislike and I won't post to you again. I'd be thrilled if you paid me the same courtesy. Ta ever so.

It is very odd to post here - you must know what you're going to get in response.

How do so many women fall for this? Its not exactly news that having affairs with married men is selfish, hurtful and unkind to other women. That men who have affairs aren't worth having, are by definition lying, pathetic cheats. Why did you think you'd be any different?

Okay so you're sad. Your suffering is one tenth of what you've inflicted on another woman, inflicting lasting damage to her relationship. If you follow the rule that you don't do to other people what you wouldn't like done to you, you'll fare much better in life.

So pick yourself up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Youve done it now and you had thousands of chances to stop it but you didnt. Set yourself some higher standards. Being unselfish and principle can be hard sometimes but its not rocket science.

18 months on I'm slowly repairing, lots of long walks, holidays walking the beach in the evenings alone, and spending time alone I'm finally off the anti depressants, I'm no longer crying, I'm starting to wash again and take care of my appearance, and get back on top of housework and finances, I have even had a few dates very half hearted.... I don't think I will ever be ready to let anyone into my life again

You made a mistake but the self pity is silly and annoying, get over it you are not in a film and need to start living in reality.

If you're genuine, OP, I'd suggest that for your very young child's sake, you pack in the long walks alone on the beach at night sooner rather than later. I sense that this is not a concept you find easy to grasp, but everything is not all about you, you know.

Forgive yourself OP

You sound like this really knocked you for six

I hope you haven't had the shit kicked out of you here

Stop thinking about her , he will I am sure cheat with someone else anyway

Please you deserve happiness

Come back on the day when (hopefully) you're on the receiving end of being cheated on.... only then might we be willing to listen to your bs, self-indulgent, narrow-minded, gratuitous little sob story!

People like you who act the poor little victim infuriate me.. except people like you who do what you've done, don't deserve my energy... or the steam off my piss!

Jog on ..... far far far away....... and tell someone who gives a shit....

I don't condone affairs, but I don't think they're all the same. There's a poster somewhere on here whose abusive husband was violent and threatened to kill her animals. She had a brief affair with someone who didn't (initially) treat her like dirt. I don't think she's comparable to someone who cruises Ashley Madison while their exhausted wife breastfeeds their newborn.

But something that does bother me about people who have affairs (leaving aside those whose marriages are horribly abusive, as above), is that so many of them just don't OWN what they did.

This OP is a good example. He "pursued" her until she "caved", he "came charging" into her life, he told her what they'd do and where they'd go etc etc etc...as if she had no agency. So many people who have affairs seem to talk about them as if they are things that just happened, and weren't in any way orchestrated or actively brought about. You hear so much about "caving", being "sucked in", "falling"...

I once talked to someone I knew who had had an affair. She said, and I quote, "I am a good person but I did a bad thing." That won't comfort anyone who's been on the receiving end of this, I know, but it was really kind of refreshing to hear someone admit they had "done" this thing, and not paint it as some sort of circumstance into which they just fell or caved or were sucked....

Sweetheart, you've made some wrong choices maybe......NO ONE, NOT ANYONE is in a position to judge you. All I'd say is don't have contact with him again, but do find a single guy next time and avoid all this drama ❤️

I agree with you Lying. The brutal spite exhibited often makes me wince and question the motivation of the poster.

I get it. I've done something with a married man when I was young - my partner knows and has forgiven me but I'm not in control of his relationship. I still feel guilty because his wife didn't deserve that and it took two to tango - mine was worse as there was no emotion and it would t ever have lead to anything.
You have to forgive yourself - know it doesn't make you a bad person and let it go.
I used mine as a teaching moment - appreciate my partner and work on my destructive behaviour ( I will be seeing a counsellor for this plus food and alcohol issues).
At the end of the day you're sorry, you're human, we fuck up.
Let yourself breathe and maybe try some therapy x

and you deserve to feel hurt. He was married yes, but you were in love , and heartbreak is painful no matter what the situation. You are entitled to your feelings .

NO ONE NOT ANYONE is in a position to judge you

Perfectly normal to judge someone for making shitty hurtful choices, chosen actions are pretty much the only thing you can judge a person for.

You are entitled to your feelings

What does that even mean? Murderers, genocidal maniacs and evil despots are all also entitled to their feelings, while everyone else is entitled to have an opinion on their decisions.

Not likening adultery to murder, just pointing out that the pseudo psychobabble doesn't make any logical practical sense.

Have your feelings, just don't expect many people to care much.

Murderers, genocidal maniacs and evil despots are all also entitled to their feelings...Not likening adultery to murder, just pointing out that the pseudo psychobabble doesn't make any logical practical sense.

Oh for heaven't sake. Likening adultery to murder (and genocide and totalitarianism) is exactly what you just did. You explicitly argued that because we don't really care what evil murderers think, we shouldn't care what adulterers think either. Because it doesn't make "logical or practical sense".

It makes total sense for someone to be distressed that their relationship has ended, even if they had no right to it. It's a very normal, human thing. Arguably it's the most human thing in the world to be drawn to relationships that, for whatever reason, fill some sort of need in us. Doesn't mean we have a right to pursue them in every situation but ffs it's not comparable to being Stalin or Hitler.

It seems to me that he was grooming you OP, a lot of men like this who pursue and win over a woman who would not usually do this sort of thing have sociopathic traits, charming, charismatic, competent in their work, and good in bed. The worst I could say about you really is that you were naïve and foolish, and you know that already. With all these dreadful things that happen to us in our lives the only real way out, the way to get over it and make it irrelevant to now is to just utterly refuse to let it get you down. No judgement from me about your role, he made the vows to his wife, not you.

No, not likening it, just like I said I wasn't.

Saying 'you're entitled to your feelings' is stating the bleeding obvious, like 'you're entitled to breathe'.